Aw manda I wub you. I can't really relate but I agree with what Stacks said. You are going to make such an amazing mother I think you will know exactly what to do. I am e-humping you right now. I thought an e-hug wasn't enough.
Aw, Manda, I don't have anything to add that someone else hasn't said, but I'm sending you hugs! (And congratulations! I haven't told you yet I'm so excited for you!)
Thanks J&K! Know what's funny? I know I'll be a great mom. I mean aside from the occassional "I don't want to turn into my mother!" I have no doubts whatsoever. And I will never be her because I actually think about other people's feelings. So there's that.
I don't have much to add to what's been said. I have situations of my own with my mom, and our relationship will never be what it once was, but I don't have any worries like what you're dealing with.
I will echo what's already been said, because it's something I've told myself a million times. You have a million examples of what not to do as a mom, and even though I don't know you that well, I have every confidence that you'll make a great mother yourself.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_point-kpsing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b3d331b-3485-41ea-92d0-c320b4f8be2bPost:1f8f113d-e44f-41c4-8feb-3db8072493d0">Re: No point in KPSing this</a>: [QUOTE]I love you mands - and here is my advice: It's your child and you will protect them how you deem necessary. There is no crying in baseball when it comes to the protection of your child. You may not have the confidence to make waves with your mother just yet - but just be completely confident that once you have him/her you will immediately have it. There is nothing that you won't do - and nobody will stop you when it comes to raising them. Don't let this stress get to you b/c the confidence and the answers you need to handle this will come. I can 100% guarantee it. Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
Mrs. Stack, you are wise.
I agree with this statement 100% ~ your inner Momma-Bear will come out if anything does/says/thinks anything that you perceive as a threat to yourself of your child. You don't want to speak up - but you will. Motherhood is powerful, Manda - and there is nothing you won't do for that baby, including telling your mom where to get off.
Hi Manda, I don't know you very well, but I read this and my heart sank and really went out to you. I don't have good advice, but wanted to send you *hugs*. I've had to cut toxic family and I also understand the "I will not become my mother!" freak-outs. Gawd, I understand. The internal struggle is mighty, but the calm and peace can be a blinding light of happiness after the struggling with a toxic person is over. Not saying this is for you, but maybe even just asking for a break from her altogether for a month. Give you breathing room!
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_point-kpsing-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:3b3d331b-3485-41ea-92d0-c320b4f8be2bPost:43ccf2d9-4abd-4d7b-b532-20f604f51e36">No point in KPSing this</a>: [QUOTE]I thought about making a KPS about this, but it would be super obvious who it was, so there's really no point. I'm afraid this might be a little LJ-worthy, but I have to get it off my chest. I've been obsessed with thinking about my mother lately. I've mentioned before that our relationship is not so good and frankly, I think she sucks at life. We've had a pretty stable relationship the last five years or so because I've worked out that if I hold her at arm's length and just don't give her much information about my life she can't be too toxic toward me (there's nothing for her to comment on, ya know?). I've also been doing that thing where I agree with her just to agree with her, because what's been the harm in that? But now. Now I've got this kid coming and it's changed everything. <strong>My mother has made it very clear that she expects to be involved in things. She invited herself into the delivery room for god's sake. I told her that no, that wouldn't be happening and she got really upset. She's demanding to know how long after the birth she has to wait to come down and how long she can stay. </strong>Very normal mom questions but I don't know how to answer them. Whenever she's in my house she treats my belongings like crap and is a very demanding houseguest. On my bachelorette weekend she used one of my really good towels to clean up my nephew's diaper mess. When I complained she threw the dirty towel onto the floor and got the mess all over my carpet. I can't stop thinking about what I'll do/say if I have a daughter and my mother starts making comments about her weight. I can't stop thinking about the temper tantrums my mother has when I tell her that we do things differently in our house. I can't stop thinking about what I'll do if/when she takes my child aside and teaches them her version of Jesus (which is "the world is split into believers and non-believers and non-believers go to Hell so you'd better be a believer". She taught this to my sister's five year old.) There's pretty much nothing I can do, right? I should calm down? Stop worrying? Move farther away? Fake my own death? There's no point to this post other than me venting really. I just can't stop thinking about it and being afraid of what new twists and turns the relationship with my mom is about to take. Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. My mother is the exact same way. My sister had to deal with my mom acting like this when she was pregnant. My mom was pushing her way into the delivery room when my sister had made it clear that she wanted it to only be her and her husband. My mom told me that my sister told her that she really wanted her there when my nephew was born, which was an outright lie. My mom drove from Georgia in the middle of the night before my sister even went into labor. My sister had planned on telling her after she'd been in labor for a few hours so my mom "missed" the delivery. My in-laws drove in and there was a huge scene ending with my mother yelling and crying and leaving on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my sister's life, while she was in labor and my nephew was stuck, causing her loads of physical pain. Have you tried drawing clear boundaries? If you don't want her in the delivery room, just tell her you want it to be bonding time for you and your H, so she won't get her feelings hurt. I know first hand how stressful it can be and I hope all goes well and stress-free. And if she does end up "preaching" to your children, just be there to reassure them that all people have different opinions and that doesn't make their grandmother right or wrong, but to be open to other options.
"Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light"
Missing my March '12 and September '12 babies
BFP#3 06/25/2012, EDD 03/09/2013, I can't wait to meet my baby girl, Jillian Rose!
Lots of love and humps and boob rubs to my sisterwife, Chancie! You don't get any more fabulous!
I don't really have any advice that hasn't already been given, but I just want to give you a big hug. Family relationships are hard, but you have to do what you think is right for you and your new little family-if your mom can't respect that, too bad for her. Hang in there!
You don't really know me, but I wanted to delurk to give you more support. No matter what, you (and all of us random internet strangers) know you will do what is right for your child and family. If you haven't already, please recruit your husband. I find that removing the "closeness" makes it much easier. I have a difficult relationship with my father, and H will run interference for me. I can deal with the issue later, but he keeps me from being overwhelmed in the moment.
Best of luck!
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Re: No point in KPSing this
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You are an amazing person, ok? Seriously. You are and have not done anything wrong in this scenario, and you're not crazy.
andy YGPM back.
I also think that since we are all aware of it, that's a pretty firm step towards not doing all of those things.
Books read in 2012: 21/50
I don't have much to add to what's been said. I have situations of my own with my mom, and our relationship will never be what it once was, but I don't have any worries like what you're dealing with.
I will echo what's already been said, because it's something I've told myself a million times. You have a million examples of what not to do as a mom, and even though I don't know you that well, I have every confidence that you'll make a great mother yourself.
[QUOTE]I love you mands - and here is my advice: It's your child and you will protect them how you deem necessary. There is no crying in baseball when it comes to the protection of your child. You may not have the confidence to make waves with your mother just yet - but just be completely confident that once you have him/her you will immediately have it. There is nothing that you won't do - and nobody will stop you when it comes to raising them. Don't let this stress get to you b/c the confidence and the answers you need to handle this will come. I can 100% guarantee it.
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]
Mrs. Stack, you are wise.
I agree with this statement 100% ~ your inner Momma-Bear will come out if anything does/says/thinks anything that you perceive as a threat to yourself of your child. You don't want to speak up - but you will. Motherhood is powerful, Manda - and there is nothing you won't do for that baby, including telling your mom where to get off.
Good Luck - you'll do great!
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[QUOTE]I thought about making a KPS about this, but it would be super obvious who it was, so there's really no point. I'm afraid this might be a little LJ-worthy, but I have to get it off my chest. I've been obsessed with thinking about my mother lately. I've mentioned before that our relationship is not so good and frankly, I think she sucks at life. We've had a pretty stable relationship the last five years or so because I've worked out that if I hold her at arm's length and just don't give her much information about my life she can't be too toxic toward me (there's nothing for her to comment on, ya know?). I've also been doing that thing where I agree with her just to agree with her, because what's been the harm in that? But now. Now I've got this kid coming and it's changed everything. <strong>My mother has made it very clear that she expects to be involved in things. She invited herself into the delivery room for god's sake. I told her that no, that wouldn't be happening and she got really upset. She's demanding to know how long after the birth she has to wait to come down and how long she can stay. </strong>Very normal mom questions but I don't know how to answer them. Whenever she's in my house she treats my belongings like crap and is a very demanding houseguest. On my bachelorette weekend she used one of my really good towels to clean up my nephew's diaper mess. When I complained she threw the dirty towel onto the floor and got the mess all over my carpet. I can't stop thinking about what I'll do/say if I have a daughter and my mother starts making comments about her weight. I can't stop thinking about the temper tantrums my mother has when I tell her that we do things differently in our house. I can't stop thinking about what I'll do if/when she takes my child aside and teaches them her version of Jesus (which is "the world is split into believers and non-believers and non-believers go to Hell so you'd better be a believer". She taught this to my sister's five year old.) There's pretty much nothing I can do, right? I should calm down? Stop worrying? Move farther away? Fake my own death? There's no point to this post other than me venting really. I just can't stop thinking about it and being afraid of what new twists and turns the relationship with my mom is about to take.
Posted by mandapanda78[/QUOTE]
I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. My mother is the exact same way. My sister had to deal with my mom acting like this when she was pregnant. My mom was pushing her way into the delivery room when my sister had made it clear that she wanted it to only be her and her husband. My mom told me that my sister told her that she really wanted her there when my nephew was born, which was an outright lie. My mom drove from Georgia in the middle of the night before my sister even went into labor. My sister had planned on telling her after she'd been in labor for a few hours so my mom "missed" the delivery. My in-laws drove in and there was a huge scene ending with my mother yelling and crying and leaving on what was supposed to be the happiest day of my sister's life, while she was in labor and my nephew was stuck, causing her loads of physical pain. Have you tried drawing clear boundaries? If you don't want her in the delivery room, just tell her you want it to be bonding time for you and your H, so she won't get her feelings hurt. I know first hand how stressful it can be and I hope all goes well and stress-free. And if she does end up "preaching" to your children, just be there to reassure them that all people have different opinions and that doesn't make their grandmother right or wrong, but to be open to other options.
Missing my March '12 and September '12 babies
BFP#3 06/25/2012, EDD 03/09/2013, I can't wait to meet my baby girl, Jillian Rose!
Lots of love and humps and boob rubs to my sisterwife, Chancie! You don't get any more fabulous!
I am not sure what to say except I KNOW you will be the best Panda momma ever!
I have a really similar relationship with my mom, and I just wanted to give you an e-hug. I know how hard it is.
Hang in there.
Thanks panther and Jill. Tons!