Snarky Brides

Parenting opinions

Ok, so this was a story told to me by a teacher at work because we were talking abotu parenting and teaching your kids to make good decisions.

When her daughter was 19 she was in college, but still living at home. She often would go out with her friends and stay out until 3am or later. Her mom told her that as long as she was living in her house she would be getting a curfew of midnight and if she planned on coming home later she would need to find other sleeping arrangements.
Well, one night she came home late because her gf's were all out of town and she was out with a boy. She tries to open the front door but it's chained shut and neither parent will open it when she knocks. She ends up going into the garage and sleeping in the car with a thermal blanket for warmth (it was about 40 degrees outside in the garage)

A very big part of me says wtf kind of parenting is this, but everyone else there (who are currently parents of teens) said this was the best idea ever because the girl never stayed out past curfew again.

What say you?
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Re: Parenting opinions

  • I think it's a very weird way of controlling a young adult that would lead to a fuckton of resentment in 9 out of 10 cases.  We have no idea what that girl thinks about that particular memory.
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  • Also, depending on the young person, I could see that being interpreted as the parents asking her not to come home.
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  • I'm all for having rules, and if I had been living at home I probably would have had a curfew as well because my mom and stepdad don't like to go to bed if they know someone will be coming in and disrupting the alarm. The daughter could have chosen to live elsewhere.

    However, making her sleep in 40-degree weather is cruel to me.
  • I would say that as long as my 19 yr old is being safe, not drinking and driving, getting her school work done, maintaining steady employment, and not pregnant I wouln't care what time she came home. She is officially an adult and is responsible for her own actions. Coming in late is not a big deal, it's not like the girl was throwing wild parties or having orgies in their house (that I know of), and serving alcohol to kids.

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  • I say that when you are an adult living in someone else's house (even if it's your parents) you should follow their rules.

    I never was inconsiderately late home after my mom locked me out at 16.  I'd imagine it's just as effective when you're older.
  • As much as I want to say "Wow that's badass" and think it's great that the girl never stayed out late again, I also don't think it should have been done in 40 degree weather and never would have been able to forgive myself if my child decided to walk somewhere and was kidnapped/raped/murdered.
  • Honestly, I don't think there is anything wrong with living at home while you are in college. She's not a child just because she is living at home, and so she shouldn't have a curfew. 
      The point of "parenting" is kind of past, in my opinion. Letting her live at home is certainly not required, but it also doesn't mean she is too young to be out that late.
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  • I had a "curfew" when I was living with my mom during the summers in college partly because she didn't understand that I was staying out that late when I was away and partly because she stayed awake until I got home and didn't want to be awake until 3-4am.
  • Are you okay?
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  • If I were that teen, I would have interpreted that as "my parents aren't "there for me" when I need them" and I probably would have stopped going to them with any of my problems, concerns, etc.  It woudn't have worked with me. 

    I can see how it might have been effective with other kids.

    And FTR, I was out past curfew almost every time I was out, but never more than an hour. 
  • My brother used to call for rides home at 4-5am. My mom told him she wasn't doing that crap anymore, and if he wanted a ride, he needed to tell her in advance. He doesn't, calls for a ride, and gets told TFB. He sleeps in the park that night, but you bet your ass he never did it again.
  • Jas, I don't think there is anything wrong with her living at home while going to school, but at the same time, it's technically not her house. It is her parents'. She is now an adult living with her parents. Therefore, they set the rules and she should follow them. If she doesn't like the curfew, then she could live elsewhere.

    I say that knowing I would have a curfew. Like I said, my parents don't want people walking in the front door at 3am while they are sleeping. My mom is a worrier, and would panic that the door wasn't locked back, alarm wasn't set, etc.
  • I would also worry about her going somewhere and getting kidnapped/raped/murdered, or staying at the guys house, which in my mind is pretty bad too.
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  • My mom's a worrier too, but more in the way of "i need to know who you're with so when I need to file a missing persons report I know who to tell them you were last with and i dont look like a bad parent." She lost my dad when I was 12, so I guess she always expected the worst and was just waiting for something bad to happen to me. She couldn't sleep until she knew I was home safe every night.
  • I see your point Sesh.  When you say rules I think of basic courtesies like picking up after yourself, even providing your own groceries if need be.

       Imho, the choice as to when I go to bed, or how long I stay out, should be mine. As long as she is coming in quietly, I don't see why it would be disturbing.

     I'm also reading this in a way that sounds really controlling. That may not be woman's point, but that is how I am interpreting it.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:d4eb57bf-0684-4a71-bcc6-8fd03dc0cc93">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]I say that when you are an adult living in someone else's house (even if it's your parents) you should follow their rules. I never was inconsiderately late home after my mom locked me out at 16.  I'd imagine it's just as effective when you're older.
    Posted by anna.oskar[/QUOTE]
    ^ Personally I agree.  However, I think that every person's situation is different. 

    Without knowing more about the history of the relationship between the girl and her parents, my inclination is to say "good for the parents for setting boundaries and sticking to them" because I see far too many parents who completely fail to set boundaries for their kids and their kids never really grow up and become mature adults.

    However, I think that chaining the door shut against her was sort of petty and vindictive on behalf of the parents.  They could have just locked up and, knowing she came home later than curfew, had a talk with her in the morning and let her know that next time the door WOULD be chained, or next time she would be moving out, etc.  There might be a situation where the girl legitimately gets home late if her car breaks down, or she hits a DUI checkpoint on the way home and traffic is backed up, etc.
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  • This is going to sound really....full of myself, especially since I don't have kids, but I'd like to think I wouldn't have that problem.  I like to think I'd raise my kids to respect my rules and follow them all the time. 

    Now that you're all done laughing and thinking "wow, this biitch has no idea what she's talking about," I assure you that I realize that is not realistic.  I think one of the most important things with disciplining is that you follow through on what you threaten, or the threatened consequences then have no power.  It drives me up the freakin' wall when I see a parent in a store or restaurant with their kid and saying "If you don't stop that, we'll leave, and you won't get anything.  No, seriously, stop it.  Stop or we'll leave.  If you do that one more time..." and the kid continues, they never leave, AND the kid gets a new toy or a piece of candy.  And they wonder why their kids don't listen?  I get that it's not alwas possible to just leave, but if it's not, then you shouldn't threaten it.

    Anyway, I don't love the idea of the girl sleeping in the cold garage, but I do like that they followed through.  She obviously learned something from it. 

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  • Birdie, that was my parent's attitudes too. I had a curfew but as long as I called if I was running late they usually let it slide. They also taught me how worried they got because one night they told me they would be home by 8pm and didn't get home until 1am and didn't call. Sure enough they get home and I'm sitting in dad's chair with a blanket staring at the door with the phone in my hand getting ready to call the cops. After that the concept of calling clicked.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:d7731c13-ee31-465c-bbf8-eecc52c17b66">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]This is going to sound really....full of myself, especially since I don't have kids, but I'd like to think I wouldn't have that problem.  I like to think I'd raise my kids to respect my rules and follow them all the time.  Now that you're all done laughing and thinking "wow, this biitch has no idea what she's talking about," I assure you that I realize that is not realistic.  I think one of the most important things with disciplining is that you follow through on what you threaten, or the threatened consequences then have no power.  It drives me up the freakin' wall when I see a parent in a store or restaurant with their kid and saying "If you don't stop that, we'll leave, and you won't get anything.  No, seriously, stop it.  Stop or we'll leave.  If you do that one more time..." and the kid continues, they never leave, AND the kid gets a new toy or a piece of candy.  And they wonder why their kids don't listen?  I get that it's not alwas possible to just leave, but if it's not, then you shouldn't threaten it. Anyway, I don't love the idea of the girl sleeping in the cold garage, but I do like that they followed through.  She obviously learned something from it. 
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    Agreed on all counts.
  • AmusingBrideAmusingBride member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2010
    I had a curfew of midnight until I moved out of my parents house at age 24. If I had that option I just wouldn't have come home. My mother is the master of passive aggressive anger (see:k, thanx ma! from about a week ago) so it was just come home OR ELSE and when i moved out i was BREAKING MY POOR MOTHER'S HEART!
    Editited to say- If the kid doesn't have boundaries and a sense of responsibility by 19 she's probably not going to get it until she's out and responsible for herself! She's technicially an adult.

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  • J&K, I know what you're saying. My parents did something right, because I was more afraid of the wrath of my mom than I ever experienced it. I usually only messed up one time and that's all it took for me not to go it again. Living with just my mom from when I was 13-18 also helped the whole obedience thing, because if she was mad at me there was NO ONE to take her mind off of it! :)
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:4a2601ea-cc5e-4fed-8c7f-35cc4f3e5e90">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting opinions : ^ Personally I agree.  However, I think that every person's situation is different.  Without knowing more about the history of the relationship between the girl and her parents, my inclination is to say "good for the parents for setting boundaries and sticking to them" because I see far too many parents who completely fail to set boundaries for their kids and their kids never really grow up and become mature adults. However, I think that chaining the door shut against her was sort of petty and vindictive on behalf of the parents.  They could have just locked up and, knowing she came home later than curfew, had a talk with her in the morning and let her know that next time the door WOULD be chained, or next time she would be moving out, etc.  T<strong>here might be a situation where the girl legitimately gets home late if her car breaks down, or she hits a DUI checkpoint on the way home and traffic is backed up, etc.</strong>
    Posted by slubkin[/QUOTE]

    I bet you $1000 the girl has a cellphone.  That's a good time to use it.

    Also?  If she didn't have a history of staying out late and being late was an unusual thing (in the case of an actual, legit excuse for being late) she wouldn't be in that situation anyway.  It's all natural consequences. 

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:335a5e72-c310-463c-80b7-8a0244fc0c24">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Parenting opinions : I bet you $1000 the girl has a cellphone.  That's a good time to use it. Also?  If she didn't have a history of staying out late and being late was an unusual thing (in the case of an actual, legit excuse for being late) she wouldn't be in that situation anyway.  It's all natural consequences. 
    Posted by J&K10910[/QUOTE]

    Just imagine J&K is me today.
  • My sister and I were so scared of my mom, that we never missed curfew!

    As far as this teenager, I think that making her sleep in her car was horrible, and I hope she won't miss curfew again. I think that the punishment was harsh, but I think she needed to see that her mom was serious about what she said about the curfew.
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  • That's a bit crazy.

    At some point, you gotta let your kid make their choices. And when they're legally an adult is definitely the time to realize that you can make all the fuss you want and you can lock them out of the house, but your teaching days are over and they need to learn on their own. And iif they're ever in trouble at 2am and they need you, they sure as hell aren't going to call you now. Would be afraid of the tongue lashing they'd receive from people who would actually chain them out of the house.

    My parents tried to put a curfew place when I was home during the summer, but they eventually gave up. I mean, I was out at college till 3am sometimes, so it's not like it was just going to magically stop when I got home. And why should it? I have a driver's license and a car. It's not like I'm calling them for a ride. They always knew who I was with, though they rarely asked.

    Then again, staying out late got old after a couple months and now I'm an old person who has problems staying up till midnight.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:bf914fa2-e7c0-4e7a-af10-b53cc3b3e59a">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]J&K, I know what you're saying. My parents did something right, because I was more afraid of the wrath of my mom than I ever experienced it. I usually only messed up one time and that's all it took for me not to go it again. Living with just my mom from when I was 13-18 also helped the whole obedience thing, because if she was mad at me there was NO ONE to take her mind off of it! :)
    Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

    Exactly.  The only times I was ever late were when I had legit reasons, and I always called.  I knew I'd be in over my head if I was late and didn't call.  I didn't want to deal with it, plus I knew that my mom worried.  So I respected their rules, I called, and I did my damnedest not to be late.

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:d7731c13-ee31-465c-bbf8-eecc52c17b66">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE] I think one of the most important things with disciplining is that you follow through on what you threaten, or the threatened consequences then have no power.  It drives me up the freakin' wall when I see a parent in a store or restaurant with their kid and saying "If you don't stop that, we'll leave, and you won't get anything.  No, seriously, stop it.  Stop or we'll leave.  If you do that one more time..." and the kid continues, they never leave, AND the kid gets a new toy or a piece of candy.  And they wonder why their kids don't listen ?  I
    Posted by J& K10910[/QUOTE]
    Omosh. This. We were at the kid's award ceremony and this chick threatened her ~3 year old from beginning to end of the ceremony. "Stop it or we're leaving, Shutup or I'm calling your Dad. <em>Stop acting retarded or i'm going to drop you off at Melwood. <strong>I'm going to call the police to come and take you to jail if you don't be quiet."</strong>
    </em>Seriously, this chick said ALLLL these things. My tongue was bleeding by the end of it.
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  • I think I just figured out my opposition.

     I think after high school you are an "adult" and not subject to discipline. Your parents should expect that you treat their home respectfully if you live there.
     I don't think getting home late and quietly letting yourself in is disrespectful.

     I expect the dynamic between parents and their kids to change after their kids graduate, but that might not be true for everyone.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:1b20637a-8657-4a36-b092-1a8647310bd6">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]My sister and I were so scared of my mom, that we never missed curfew! As far as this teenager, I think that making her sleep in her car was horrible, and I hope she won't miss curfew again. <strong>I think that the punishment was harsh,</strong> but I think she needed to see that her mom was serious about what she said about the curfew.
    Posted by MISSCOURTNEY20[/QUOTE]

    I agree on all counts, except I wouldn't call it a punishment, so much as a consequence.  But, working in my field, I just really hate the word punishment, so that's a personal bias.  (I'm not trying to pick on you, Courtney, I promise.  I just hate that word.  But I do agree, I was scared of my mom too!)

    (To clarify, to me a punishment is something doled out after the fact, and is not as effective.  So if the mom had grounded her the next day, that would be a punishment.  A consequence is a direct, immediate effect of your actions.  Mom said don't be late or you'll have to find somewhere else to sleep.  She was late, she found somewhere else to sleep.)

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_parenting-opinions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:97fc116f-eef7-45ac-a4c3-9cf51d75fcb8Post:fa671158-5715-4109-8e6a-1aeb853d47c8">Re: Parenting opinions</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think I just figured out my opposition.  I think after high school you are an "adult" and not subject to discipline . Your parents should expect that you treat their home respectfully if you live there.  I don't think getting home late and quietly letting yourself in is disrespectful.  I expect the dynamic between parents and their kids to change after their kids graduate, but that might not be true for everyone.
    Posted by jasmineh7777[/QUOTE]

    That makes sense, and I struggled with that too, in thinking about how I felt about this situation.  But I think if she was living with mom with limited responsibilities (I'm going to assume that she wasn't paying rent or for food), then she should follow mom's rules.

    If she was paying rent and utilities and for her share of food, then I think mom has no place to discipline. 

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