It's Normal

AliW220 · May 2012

In Response to It's Normal:
Thank you for this... it brought tears to my eyes.

DanaLynn80 · June 2012

Woah! I knew I was going to like this board. That's exactly SPOT ON! Thanks.

FMrsY · June 2012

As a widow, I can tell you a couple of these made me cry. Thank you for posting.

Famof8 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_its-normal-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:35Discussion:b2432581-63ed-4df5-b539-6dfd539dc91ePost:06a9b6f5-cc5d-457e-9519-42275254ecfd">Re: It's Normal</a>:
[QUOTE]It's normal to be human and understand that life gives you wonderful second chances :) Great list.
Posted by simplemaui[/QUOTE]

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOUUUU!!!!
I feel guilty just for wanting to be married again. I come from a very old-fashioned background and struggled with getting a divorce anyways. Don't get me wrong I wanted away from my XH but I felt like I was wearing a scarlet letter. And now I have a second chance at happiness.

harjess · June 2012

I totally just needed this...

[Deleted User] · July 2012

In Response to It's Normal:

THANK YOU for posting this! I am newly engaged to the man of my dreams, a 2nd marriage for both of us. I have been struggling with all of the details...church, no church, white dress, not a white dress, and everything else that goes along with it! Neither of us had a church wedding, so we have agreed that we will be wed in our church.

I keep second guessing myself with each detail, thinking "is this appropriate, what will people think?" Still struggling, but this post helps a ton!!

mmmendi · July 2012

This was my second read through. Thank you. So many things...

kiki95632 · July 2012

Wow, Thank you for posting this. My wedding is 21 days away and my emotions have been up and down. I picked up my dress yesterday...and it made me cry. My first wedding was a Reno chapel with fake flowers...was in an abusive marriage and when I finally left, never thought I would find a good man.Then I met the man of my dreams and I still am pinching myself that I am getting married and wanted to give me the wedding I never had.

nraymond1 · July 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_its-normal-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:b2432581-63ed-4df5-b539-6dfd539dc91ePost:83afe395-ce35-4f9e-a1d3-4cfc134bb5b4">Re: It's Normal</a>:
[QUOTE]It's normal to cry while reading this and finally realize your NOT crazy!
Posted by gupsmom[/QUOTE]

<div>Exactly! Thank you for this! I didn't get divorced the first time around, I was widowed, but a lot of this still applies. The big thing right now is I feel so bad making family come from all over for a second one and have to spend money on yet another gift. I've already decided not to wear white. </div>

habarbero · August 2012

Thank you! Like so many others-this is exactly what I needed to read today.
Married at 21 separated at 28 remarrying at 30. I know I have found an amazing man but I needed validation of all the "normal" feelings tonight. Printing this one out too!

sweetheartDR · August 2012

After 30 years of marriage, after discovering he had a condition making him angry, violent and manipulative, I had to say good bye to something I never thought I would have to do: my marriage. I now know the difference between real joy, and just constantly adapting to his behavior to protect the kids. Meeting the man that makes me laugh again, who knows what I went through, who loves me with his whole heart, who makes me feel alive again, is the very best blessing I could have received from God at this time in my life. Let go of the guilt of (finally) caring for yourself, and embrace the gift of joy God gives, no matter what age you are, or time of life it is!

ForMe=ItsYou · September 2012

I am so grateful for this... After separating from my husband and waiting on the divorce to be finalized, I fell in love with an amazing man... I really feel blessed to have met him. To finally have open, honest communication and understanding – it’s an amazing feeling. Addressing our wants, likes, dislikes, dreams, ect...

I feel guilt that I found someone before my divorce is finalized. I feel fear that our families will be disappointed that we moved on so quickly. I fear that my amazing stepson (who I helped raise over the last 9 years) will be angry that I moved on. I don't want to hear people say that this is a rebound relationship...The list could go on...

I feel happy for the first time in a very long time, and I am very excited for what is to come in our future. This list was really just what I needed to see!

JG&MD2013 · September 2012

Loved this! I was first Married at 22 then Divorced at 26. Now at 31 ready to take the plunge. This is his firs,t my second. I am glad others feel the same way I did. Glad to know I am not alone.

stina&brad · September 2012

WOW!!! Thank you for making me feel better about EVERYTHING that is going through my head right now. This brought tears to my eyes.

stina&brad · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_its-normal-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:b2432581-63ed-4df5-b539-6dfd539dc91ePost:78382659-e690-4fb3-8586-54c512bcb33f">Re: It's Normal</a>:
[QUOTE]After coming across some mean boards, I finally feel at home here. What an amazing compilation of thoughts! Definitely worthy of keeping near and dear for references! After being married at 21, divorced by 23, now being 30 and getting to this point again is hugely exciting and scary! THANKS to all those who conribited to this!
Posted by jwdds2013[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Wow! I was married by 22, divorced at 26, am 30 and just got engaged. I am in the same boat! Excited. Scared. All of it. lol... I am happy to find this board with other women who understand what I am going through!</div>

dettegirl77 · September 2012

Thank you for this. You took every fear from my mind and put it in words!

Kris10Rose · September 2012

Thanks - 24 days to go and this was exactly what I needed!

skibride2014 · October 2012

Exactly what I needed to read!

foodiddiedoo · November 2012

Thank you for this list. I got married when I was 23, divorced right after I turned 26, and just got engaged several months ago to my awesome fiance at 28. I was REALLY excited when we first got engaged and we set a date almost right away. But now, I keep feeling guilty/embarassed about wanting all these things at my wedding. He's never been married before, so I don't feel too terrible about having a "regular" wedding. He also has a large family that all expect him to have a wedding, so there's really no way out of doing something special. Yet somehow I still feel guilty and deinfately embarassed about everything along the way. I mailed out save the date cards to some of my friends from college that attended the first wedding and was SO scared that I'd get a negative response of someone thinking all I wanted was another present and not just them to be at a special day. Thankfully any of them that did comment seem genuinely excited/happy for me. I really appreciated reading this and everyone's comments because it made me feel less alone. Especially being younger, a lot of my friends have never been married, let alone divorced so it's nice to see there's other people out there.

ADoyle16 · January 2013

Thanks for this! I'm going to be getting married for the second time, as my ex was abusive, so I can relate to things like testing him, and being pleasantly surprised when he doesn't react like my ex did. The one thing I am grateful for is that I got out of that first marriage without any children, so I was able to make a complete getaway and cut my ex out of my life for good. This month marks the 10th anniversary of my freedom, meaning that was when the divorce was final.

beautifulmama28 · February 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_second-weddings_its-normal-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:35Discussion:b2432581-63ed-4df5-b539-6dfd539dc91ePost:31a6d53c-a010-48a3-9e0d-3b8de1c0a4b3">It's Normal</a>:
[QUOTE]Its normal to feel or want… This post was from 4-19-05. We began the post to help us all understand how normal our feelings and needs really are…This list is what everyone wrote about their normal feelings: Please feel free to add. Its normal to feel guilty that you are having a second wedding Its normal to feel scared to commit again Its normal to have some doubts Its normal to worry that your credibility is in question since you vowed "forever" once before (but it is important to know that your credibility is NOT actually in question, because things change) Its normal to question whether or not you should take his name Its normal to worry about what others think Its normal to read the etiquette posts and want to cry Its normal to WANT to have the wedding of your dreams for the man of your dreams Its normal to want all the cheesey things first brides get:) Its normal to be more scared of moving in and combining your belongings than it is to get married Its normal to put up walls It's normal NOT to have the support of every family member It's normal to want to "connect" with other 2nd timers It's normal to "test" him ... again and again It's normal to think at first - we don't deserve certain things It's normal to cry/be upset when reminded of the first failure It's normal to keep putting things off (that guilt thing again) It's normal to have issues when kids are involved It's normal to feel like you have the letter " D " on your forehead YES, it's normal to be HAPPY and EXCITED when you're ready to accept it! * Its normal to have heightened anxiety Its normal to overanalyze every single comment he makes, about you, your kids, your future, your wedding...looking for the cue that its going to fall apart. Its normal to partition off (is that what you meant by walls, Sassee?) those parts of you that were hurt the worst in the past, and be cautious about being vulnerable to him. Its normal to be MamaBear where your kids are concerned, and to be surprised when you feel those MamaBear feelings about HIS kids, or when he becomes PaPa Bear with yours. Its normal to look up waiting for the other shoe to drop Its normal to sometimes just find yourself smiling again Its normal to have just learned the definition of healthy (no matter how old you are) Its normal to need to go to therapy Its normal to be a control freak Its normal to not be good at asking for help (Pealie, these last two are for us) Its normal for you to feel like you have to keep your excitement a secret Its normal to be afraid to lose the BEST thing that has happened to you in a very long time. Its normal to wake up at night & look at him and be amazed he's there. Its normal to want a GUARANTEE that he will not be taken from you by some freak event. It is normal to feel uncomfortable but grateful when your family/friends want to throw parties/showers to celebrate your happiness. It is normal to be pleasantly surprised when FI does not act/respond like DH did. It is normal to feel bad that you get two weddings and some of your good friends have not had one yet. It is normal to obsess about your dress and wonder if it is 'appropriate' enough but realize that sackcloth and ashes for you would not match with tuxes and pretty dresses for everyone else! It is normal to not have something (garter, bouquet toss, etc)for your second wedding just because you had it for your first. It is normal to worry about your child(ren) getting enough love and attention since you now have FI. It's normal to want your family to be just as happy this time as the last time! It's normal to cut and paste this into a document that you can refer to daily, just to remind yourself of exactly how normal you are! It's NORMAL to worry what his family specifically thinks of you, your kids, your parenting style, whatever. It's NORMAL to have a few bumps in the road with the stepkids. It's NORMAL to wonder who's going to compile this into one list and repost it so we can all print it out and post it somewhere prominent. LOL! It's NORMAL to wonder if he's for real because he's just SO perfect for you and your family. It’s NORMAL for things you hated in your past marriage to bother you now. You just have to explain to FI why.
Posted by right1thistime[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>And...I have tears.</div><div>
</div><div>This is amazing, thank you.</div>

mom23jv · February 2013

Thank you, here you all are here supporting me. While people who have known me since the day I was born to her. Tells me how unhappy she is about my dicsion to wear white. It was ok to wear white while 6 months preggers. Or even during the church ceremony, we had because our parents were not there to for our 1st ceremony.
Now I am marrying a man my 3 children love and call Dad. A man with whom I have made a family with for the past 8 years. His children and mine call each other brother and sister.

So thank you again for all your support.
I am doing this celebration OUR WAY!!!!

crs2014 · March 2013

I am a lurker here too. This is my second and his third and I think about all those things listed all the time. Thankfully I have a very supportive family, friends and a church body that seem to love the fact I am marrying this guy. Thanks for the list! I agree too it is more about the planning and thinking about the marriage instead of the wedding.

JessiNoel21 · March 2013

Is it normal to want to strangle your FILs cuz I have about had it with them and their judgements about OUR wedding. Thank you for letting me vent

KimandByron · April 2013

Thank you for this list. We have not even announced our engagement yet and alot of things on this list are what is holding me back. My first marriage was JOP and lasted 6 months before I filed for divorce and 12 months from the day I got married to have divorce papers in hand. I then married a man much older than me and we got divorced but stayed together and then remarried and divorced a second time. I have never had the wedding of my dreams until now. My FI has told me he would marry me tomorrow but he wants me to have everything I've ever dreamed my wedding would be so we have set our date out far enough that we will save enough to splurge on the things that are important to us and even pay for our 10 day Cancun honeymoon in full as soon as we book.

I think most of our famiy members will be just fine. He has 3 children and they are all over 18 and I have 3 children and my twins will be 18 in a few months. So when we get married it will just be the two of us at home. All our children will be on their own and some in college. I've made the decision to get married in Ivory but the rest is going to be my Fairy Tale wedding

soon2Bmrssaunders · May 2013

OMG!!! I wish I would have found this board first. I love this post and thank you for telling me it is normal. My first marriage was a complete disaster!! But I was blessed to have the most wonderful little daughter from it. I have been divorced six wonderful years. In that time I have become a woman that I love, and that has come a very long way. I was blessed again and met and fell in love with the best man I know. Yes!! I feel like I have to hide my excitement. Yes!!! I downplay my upcoming wedding. But I won"t anymore. Thank You

sloaneti · July 2013

Like others this was a great post to read. As I am planning my second marriage my family and friends cannot understand my guilt feelings. As I am the only one in my circle (family and friends) who is divorced it is nice to know that I am not crazy for having these feelings.

Rcastle77 · July 2013

Is it NORMAL to cry just reading that list and realize how many of those things are true? I went through therapy with my divorce and came out the other side realizing that I deserve to be happy and in was in that time I met Tim. He is amazing in every way possible. Are we perfect? Hell no, we argue sometimes but we always come out the other side because we truly love each other. Unlike my ex-husband we talk, constantly... communication is the key and we have it. As long as we don't lose the key, I can't imagine this won't last forever. I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Time to find some kleenex.

stacienbobby · July 2013

Thank you for posting "It's normal." I fell for my guy a couple of weeks after my divorce was final and friends told me to slow down and mourn my 27 yr marriage (married at 17, divorced w/ 6 kids - 3 still in elementary school). I went through counseling for 7 months and felt strong but as it gets closer some of those worries you said are normal were coming to me daily loud and clear, when past insecurities raise their ugly presence. Deep breath... and maybe less coffee!

I have found a great guy and just need to focus on the 'prize.'

Thanks again!!

Emily104 · August 2013

CaseyJane03 said:

oh i so needed this. married at 21, divorced at 22, re-marrying at 26 and feeling too guilty to make a "big deal" of it. how do i do this again? i will feel like all my repeat guests are staring at me and thinking of wedding #1. i just want to fly by the ceremony part and get on to the reception, haha.

and the last name part. ugh. i don't want to change it. i'm not going into this marriage thinking of divorce (like i did last time!) but crap happens.

ahh. i wish i would have eloped the first time and never told anyone so i wouldn't feel bad this time around.

Same for me! Married at 20, divorced at 21, remarrying at 26. I don't even want to invite most of my extended family because I'm uncomfortable with what they might think, since they were there the first time around. I want to be excited and share all of the fun wedding planning and everything with friends and family, but I feel like I shouldn't make a big deal out of wedding things now because people might question my choices or my credibility.

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