relatives and guests not sending gifts

ziggystardustben · June 2010

I was very recently married, and a majority of the guests from my side did not bring gifts (or send my wife and I gift) to the wedding. My bride’s parents went to an incredible amount of trouble and expense to give us the beautiful wedding of our dreams, but the lack of gifts or cards makes it appear that my family does not care (especially compared to her friends and family, who attended in full force and gave us an array of nice gifts from our registry). My in-laws are incredibly hurt, and I am embarrassed by my family and what this says about me. The wedding was also out-of-state for most of my extended family, so only a very few even attended.

I want to talk to these family members and figure out why they didn’t attend, and why those who didn’t attend didn’t bother to send a gift. My family did throw a shower a few months before the wedding for my bride and I, so I think maybe they thought that was the end of their responsibilities.

If guests don’t know that is recommended to send a gift when you don’t attend, am I OK to broach this subject with them? What about confronting those from my side who came but didn’t send a gift? Can I enlist my parents to get in touch with these family members to figure this out? I want to get to the bottom of this and stand up for my in-laws and bride, but I don’t want to come across as “why didn’t you get us a nice gift?”

What is the best way to handle this situation and confront these people?

kristinanddan · June 2010

You absolutely do not say anything to anyone. I'm sorry they didn't give you any gifts, but gifts aren't required and it would be incredibly rude to ask why they didn't give you one.

gottahavashorti · June 2010

Leave it alone. It is more rude for you to ask about gifts and cards than for them to fail to send a card. If they attended the shower, many people give their wedding gift at the shower.

Galaxy8227 · June 2010

I would not bring it up. I'm sorry they didn't give you gifts but no one is required to give a gift. Bringing it up with just cause more problems.

jessicarabbit501 · June 2010

guess what? gifts aren't required at a wedding!

and if you say something to people about it, the only one who is going to come across as rude is you. and how in the world does not giving a gift mean that people don't care? they showed up to support you and your union. that should be enough. a gift is a nice gesture but not required (even by those NOT attending). and i dont quite understand how you think that by doing this you would be standing up for your bride and in laws? not bringing a gift is NOT a diss. as for those who couldn't attend, guess what...your wedding isn't the most important thing in the world! people probably couldn't afford it or couldn't get time off to attend. please, under no circumstances contact anyone to ask them why they didn't buy you something. it would be incrediby rude.

quotequeen · June 2010

Some people believe that if you give a gift at the shower you don't have to give one at the wedding too. This varies by circle, so perhaps in your extended family that's how they do things.

Some people believe that if they have to travel to a wedding, their attendance is their gift to the couple, since they had to pay for flights/gas/hotel/whatever.

Some people believe that if they don't attend the wedding they don't need to send a gift, particularly if they don't believe they are extremely close to the couple.

None of this is a personal affront to you. An invitation is neither a summons nor an invoice, so no, there is no way for you to ask them why they didn't attend or why they didn't give a gift without being horribly rude. They were not required to do either and they do not owe you an explanation.

Jane_Birkin · June 2010

ettiquette around gift-giving differs in various parts of the country. as a new yorker i can completely understand why you are shocked and hurt that people didn't give gifts or send anything. that is definitely the ettiquette in our region and generally when someone comes to the wedding without a gift here they *are* sending a message with it. until i joined TK i had never heard of the idea that people bring their "gift" to the shower and then don't need to give a wedding gift.

did these people not give cards, or did they give cards without a check? there were 4 guests at our wedding from whom we don't have cards, and i am slightly concerned that they brought cards and they went astray, simply because it is SO rare not to at least get a card.

you might be able to get a sense from your parents or siblings about what is going on here. like maybe start by asking your parents if they think you need to send "thank you for coming" cards to the people who came but didn't give a gift.

jlmarks83 · June 2010

I can understand what you mean. My cousin was married last month and there were cousins of ours (in their late 20s - with well-paying jobs - and living at home with no real expenses) that were invited and just signed their name to their parents' card. My mom was appalled that this happened. She couldn't believe that these cousins didn't even buy the couple their own card.

Like a PP said, in my area of the country it's unheard of to show up at a wedding without at least a card. I've never heard of a guest bringing their wedding gift to the shower, either.

noodle_oo · June 2010

Wow, I'm sorry your family did not get you gifts, but you cannot "handle this situation and confront these people?". Asking them WHY they didn't get you a gift or telling them that they still need to get you a gift is about the rudest thing you can possibly do. The right thing to do is to let it go.

You attitude about the whole thing seems really inappropriate also. If your relatives traveled to the wedding, perhaps the expense of them to attend your wedding made it cost prohibitive for them to get you a gift.

I can't believe that your wife and her family actually see this as a "diss". Weddings do not require an admittance fee. Gifts are not required.

miah_23_ncb · June 2010

It seems like for diffrent regions gift giving is diffrent. so you should talk to your wife and your parents about it and see wha they think. But do not be surprsed if someone is offended that oyu asked How come you did not give us a gift.

JenGin74 · June 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_relatives-guests-not-sending-gifts?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:83f23859-97bf-4040-8906-4b8aa5a3866aPost:6d7e6cb7-1de1-406c-8251-c69dc3d56b5b">relatives and guests not sending gifts</a>:
[QUOTE]I was very recently married, and a majority of the guests from my side did not bring gifts (or send my wife and I gift) to the wedding. My bride’s parents went to an incredible amount of trouble and expense to give us the beautiful wedding of our dreams, but the lack of gifts or cards makes it appear that my family does not care (especially compared to her friends and family, who attended in full force and gave us an array of nice gifts from our registry). My in-laws are incredibly hurt, and I am embarrassed by my family and what this says about me. The wedding was also out-of-state for most of my extended family, so only a very few even attended. I want to talk to these family members and figure out why they didn’t attend, and why those who didn’t attend didn’t bother to send a gift.<font color="#800000"><strong> My family did throw a shower a few months before the wedding for my bride and I, so I think maybe they thought that was the end of their responsibilities.</strong></font> If guests don’t know that is recommended to send a gift when you don’t attend, am I OK to broach this subject with them? What about confronting those from my side who came but didn’t send a gift? Can I enlist my parents to get in touch with these family members to figure this out? I want to get to the bottom of this and stand up for my in-laws and bride, but I don’t want to come across as “why didn’t you get us a nice gift?” What is the best way to handle this situation and confront these people?
Posted by ziggystardustben[/QUOTE]

This whole post is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read, especially the highlighted part.

flutgrl1 · June 2010

Honestly sometimes with weddings you learn that people you think care about you don't. It sucks...but in the end it's a good lesson to learn.

relatives and guests not sending gifts

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