relatives and guests not sending gifts
I was very recently married, and a majority of the guests from my side did not bring gifts (or send my wife and I gift) to the wedding. My bride’s parents went to an incredible amount of trouble and expense to give us the beautiful wedding of our dreams, but the lack of gifts or cards makes it appear that my family does not care (especially compared to her friends and family, who attended in full force and gave us an array of nice gifts from our registry). My in-laws are incredibly hurt, and I am embarrassed by my family and what this says about me. The wedding was also out-of-state for most of my extended family, so only a very few even attended.
I want to talk to these family members and figure out why they didn’t attend, and why those who didn’t attend didn’t bother to send a gift. My family did throw a shower a few months before the wedding for my bride and I, so I think maybe they thought that was the end of their responsibilities.
If guests don’t know that is recommended to send a gift when you don’t attend, am I OK to broach this subject with them? What about confronting those from my side who came but didn’t send a gift? Can I enlist my parents to get in touch with these family members to figure this out? I want to get to the bottom of this and stand up for my in-laws and bride, but I don’t want to come across as “why didn’t you get us a nice gift?”
What is the best way to handle this situation and confront these people?
Re: relatives and guests not sending gifts
Planning/Married Biology
Some people believe that if they have to travel to a wedding, their attendance is their gift to the couple, since they had to pay for flights/gas/hotel/whatever.
Some people believe that if they don't attend the wedding they don't need to send a gift, particularly if they don't believe they are extremely close to the couple.
None of this is a personal affront to you. An invitation is neither a summons nor an invoice, so no, there is no way for you to ask them why they didn't attend or why they didn't give a gift without being horribly rude. They were not required to do either and they do not owe you an explanation.
ettiquette around gift-giving differs in various parts of the country. as a new yorker i can completely understand why you are shocked and hurt that people didn't give gifts or send anything. that is definitely the ettiquette in our region and generally when someone comes to the wedding without a gift here they *are* sending a message with it. until i joined TK i had never heard of the idea that people bring their "gift" to the shower and then don't need to give a wedding gift.
did these people not give cards, or did they give cards without a check? there were 4 guests at our wedding from whom we don't have cards, and i am slightly concerned that they brought cards and they went astray, simply because it is SO rare not to at least get a card.
you might be able to get a sense from your parents or siblings about what is going on here. like maybe start by asking your parents if they think you need to send "thank you for coming" cards to the people who came but didn't give a gift.
Like a PP said, in my area of the country it's unheard of to show up at a wedding without at least a card. I've never heard of a guest bringing their wedding gift to the shower, either.
You attitude about the whole thing seems really inappropriate also. If your relatives traveled to the wedding, perhaps the expense of them to attend your wedding made it cost prohibitive for them to get you a gift.
I can't believe that your wife and her family actually see this as a "diss". Weddings do not require an admittance fee. Gifts are not required.
[QUOTE]I was very recently married, and a majority of the guests from my side did not bring gifts (or send my wife and I gift) to the wedding. My bride’s parents went to an incredible amount of trouble and expense to give us the beautiful wedding of our dreams, but the lack of gifts or cards makes it appear that my family does not care (especially compared to her friends and family, who attended in full force and gave us an array of nice gifts from our registry). My in-laws are incredibly hurt, and I am embarrassed by my family and what this says about me. The wedding was also out-of-state for most of my extended family, so only a very few even attended. I want to talk to these family members and figure out why they didn’t attend, and why those who didn’t attend didn’t bother to send a gift.<font color="#800000"><strong> My family did throw a shower a few months before the wedding for my bride and I, so I think maybe they thought that was the end of their responsibilities.</strong></font> If guests don’t know that is recommended to send a gift when you don’t attend, am I OK to broach this subject with them? What about confronting those from my side who came but didn’t send a gift? Can I enlist my parents to get in touch with these family members to figure this out? I want to get to the bottom of this and stand up for my in-laws and bride, but I don’t want to come across as “why didn’t you get us a nice gift?” What is the best way to handle this situation and confront these people?
Posted by ziggystardustben[/QUOTE]
This whole post is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read, especially the highlighted part.