Getting married, not 'officially' engaged...

JediGettingMarried · December 2011

Hi all!

My BF and I have been dating for 19 months. In July we started seriously discussing marriage. We both want to but wanted ti talk about several things first. Well, two days ago, we discussed the last of the 'hot topics' (religion, kids, finances, etc) and found our lifestyles and goals mesh surprisingly well. So while before it has been 'if we get married', it's now 'when we get married'.

We've discussed the wedding and honeymoon (attire, style, location), but no date. He says he still wants to 'officially' propose with a ring.

So does this count as being unofficially engaged, or are we still BF and GF?

redheadfsu · December 2011

Being engaged is just an agreement to get married.

Have you agreed to get married? If so, you are engaged. If not, you are not engaged and are just discussing your future.

rlavach · December 2011

Like redhead said, once you both come to the verbal agreement that you both want to be married (even if a date is not chosen), you are engaged.

My FI and I decided early on in our relationship that we wanted to be married. Finances weren't where they needed to be, so we waited. He really wanted to be able to afford a better ring & I wanted to be able to afford the wedding I've dreamed of. 5 months later, he proposed. Talk about an excrutiating wait! Any I know that is nothing compared to others.

I didn't consider myself engaged, but technically I was.

mandi921vh · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_getting-married-not-officially-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:43e57912-79d2-4f98-bb97-49a3b09e2748Post:104fcc9d-a561-478a-a922-309b19783a60">Re: Getting married, not 'officially' engaged...</a>:
[QUOTE]FI and I talked about getting married for a long time before we were engaged. In fact, we said that we were definitely going in that direction before we moved in together. But I never considered myself engaged or "unofficially engaged" (this is a term that doesn't exist in my mind, either you are or your aren't) until he proposed. We didn't plan anything about our wedding until we were engaged, because it didn't make sense to do it before.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

<div>This is exactly what my FI and I did. Unless you have agreed to get married you are not engaged.</div>

rlavach · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_getting-married-not-officially-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:43e57912-79d2-4f98-bb97-49a3b09e2748Post:104fcc9d-a561-478a-a922-309b19783a60">Re: Getting married, not 'officially' engaged...</a>:
[QUOTE]FI and I talked about getting married for a long time before we were engaged. In fact, we said that we were definitely going in that direction before we moved in together. But I never considered myself engaged or "unofficially engaged" (this is a term that doesn't exist in my mind, either you are or your aren't) until he proposed. <strong> We didn't plan anything about our wedding until we were engaged, because it didn't make sense to do it before. </strong>
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]
This is a controversial point here on The Knot. Most, myself included, say you shouldn't be making any definite plans before you are engaged. BUT, there is nothing wrong with looking around and getting a feel for how much things cost and how long it will do.<div>
</div><div>When my FI and I decided to get married, I joined TK. I used the budget calculator with the $ I had to spend & then started looking for vendors. I quickly realized that it was near impossible to get married in nothern NJ with our budget. We didn't make definite plans, but we did contact vendors & look at possibilities. That is what made us realize we needed to wait.</div><div>
</div><div>When we became engaged, I went through all my info and started contacting the vendors again. It actually made things a little easier. This was all with my FI, though. I didn't do this behind his back. That would creep him out! It was actually his idea.</div>

JediGettingMarried · December 2011

Ack, I'm terrible with words. I guess I didn't define the conversation very well. In short, yes, we have agreed to get married.

So I guess that means we are engaged.

Zimsgirl · December 2011

FI and I talked a lot about marriage before he proposed and knew we were gonna marry each other but I didn't consider us engaged until he popped the question with the ring and everything

aeroprincess87 · December 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_getting-married-not-officially-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:43e57912-79d2-4f98-bb97-49a3b09e2748Post:104fcc9d-a561-478a-a922-309b19783a60">Re: Getting married, not 'officially' engaged...</a>:
[QUOTE]FI and I talked about getting married for a long time before we were engaged. In fact, we said that we were definitely going in that direction before we moved in together. But I never considered myself engaged or "unofficially engaged" (this is a term that doesn't exist in my mind, either you are or your aren't) until he proposed. We didn't plan anything about our wedding until we were engaged, because it didn't make sense to do it before.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

This is the position I'm currently in with my BF. Before we moved in together we knew we would get married one day. Now we know we are getting married, but because he hasn't proposed yet, I don't consider us to be engaged. Although we've decided we are getting married in the future and engaged by next summer.

Mandafly84 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_getting-married-not-officially-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:43e57912-79d2-4f98-bb97-49a3b09e2748Post:bef80b4a-a076-4c20-9623-042918d914f2">Re: Getting married, not 'officially' engaged...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ack, I'm terrible with words. I guess I didn't define the conversation very well. In short, yes , we have agreed to get married. So I guess that means we are engaged.
Posted by JediGettingMarried[/QUOTE]

<div>If you're asking US whether or not you're engaged, then you aren't engaged. You should clarify it with your man and see if he agrees that you are engaged. It actually sounds like you're not (but will be soon!), since he said he still wants to propose with a ring.</div>

freebread03 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_getting-married-not-officially-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:43e57912-79d2-4f98-bb97-49a3b09e2748Post:cd8b685d-5d3f-4c7a-8262-6435973039f7">Re: Getting married, not 'officially' engaged...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting married, not 'officially' engaged... : If you're asking US whether or not you're engaged, then you aren't engaged. You should clarify it with your man and see if he agrees that you are engaged. It actually sounds like you're not (but will be soon!), since he said he still wants to propose with a ring.
Posted by Mandafly84[/QUOTE]

<div>This.</div><div>
</div><div>I moved in with fiance a year before we got engaged. We both knew we would get married, and talked about it plenty, but until he proposed, I did not consider myself engaged. </div><div>
</div><div>Would you be comfortable calling him your fiance in front of him, or would he be like "huh? fiance? engaged?"</div>

goodine11 · January 2012

Yeah, I wouldnt consider yourself engaged until it happens. I think unoffically will take away from the feeling of Offically Engaged. Just wait its coming. Doesn't mean you can't start doing your research. Use this time to unoffically, found out important info that you will need for your wedding.

KatePlusNate04 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_getting-married-not-officially-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:43e57912-79d2-4f98-bb97-49a3b09e2748Post:27b01e6c-99c5-411d-87ec-8eca8638ff5b">Re: Getting married, not 'officially' engaged...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Getting married, not 'officially' engaged... : This.<strong> I moved in with fiance a year before we got engaged. We both knew we would get married, and talked about it plenty, but until he proposed, I did not consider myself engaged. </strong>Would you be comfortable calling him your fiance in front of him, or would he be like "huh? fiance? engaged?"
Posted by freebread03[/QUOTE]

This for me too. We dated for 5 years before becoming engaged, and I considered "engaged" to be when he proposed. It had nothing to do with the physical ring--I would have said we were engaged even if he hadn't given me a ring.

We talked about marriage plenty before we were engaged, even going so far as to throw out style ideas, location ideas, etc., but I didn't consider myself engaged until the proposal. I think if you're engaged or not depends on what you and your SO think. Talk to HIM about it, not us. We have no way of knowing what he is thinking or the circumstances surrounding your relationship.

I don't think you need a formal proposal or ring to get engaged. Heck, two good friends of ours one day said, "Hey, you want to get married?" "Sure," and started planning their wedding. The guy later on did formally propose with a ring, but they were considered engaged before that happened. It's different for everyone, but what's important is that you two are on the same page about it.

P.S. Although I do not agree that a ring = engagement, just know that in our culture, most people expect that. So if you start telling people you are engaged after speaking with your man, just be prepared for all the inquiries regarding a ring and know what you want to say in response to that. I might say something like, "A ring may come in the future, but what's important is our promise and commitment to each other to get married."

Beads921 · January 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_getting-married-not-officially-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:43e57912-79d2-4f98-bb97-49a3b09e2748Post:bef80b4a-a076-4c20-9623-042918d914f2">Re: Getting married, not 'officially' engaged...</a>:
[QUOTE]Ack, I'm terrible with words. I guess I didn't define the conversation very well. In short, yes , we have agreed to get married. <strong>So I guess that means we are engaged.</strong>
Posted by JediGettingMarried[/QUOTE]

<div>I think you might want to clarify that with your partner before you get too excited. Lots of people agree to get married before the formal proposal, and don't consider themselves engaged until after it. </div><div>
</div><div>I tend to feel that if you have to ask strangers on the internet if you're engaged, you're probably not. If you think you're unofficially engaged, again, you're probably not engaged. </div>

wink0erin · January 2012

You're either engaged or you're not. There's no such thing as "unofficially engaged." Saying that term kills kittens, you don't want to kill kittens do you?

There are some that talk marriage with their SO's YEARS before they are engaged. Just enjoy the relationship where it is now, as BF and GF, and save the planning for when you and SO consider yourselves engaged, which judging by what you said will be after he formally proposes with a ring. Don't steal that moment from him.

Getting married, not 'officially' engaged...

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