tomboy mother in law!!

kiaratmoore · January 2011

OMG we are less than 5 months away from the wedding and I asked my future mother in law to meet me at David's Bridal so we can pick out a dress. She is a tom boy and I rarely see her wearing anything that doesn't have holes or bleach stains on it and my fiance has never seen her wear a dress and he is almost 28 years old!!!!! I don't mind her wearing a pants suit but whatever she wears it has to look Nice and match the Semi-Formal dress attire for the wedding. When I called her today she said... "oh I'm not ready for that".... Uh ready for what? I explained that we knew she needed financial assistance and we were already planing to pay for the dress... but she still refused! UGH i don't even know what size she wears but i decided that i would look without her and I immediately found a beautiful dress that matches the color scheme and dress code.... but now... how do i tell her this without making her upset?

AutumnFair · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tomboy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:08ed8b0b-d701-44e1-b264-6592b86c7ee4Post:3aa30147-144c-4359-9362-800453ec7fd8">tomboy mother in law!!</a>:
[QUOTE]OMG we are less than 5 months away from the wedding and I asked my future mother in law to meet me at David's Bridal so we can pick out a dress. She is a tom boy and I rarely see her wearing anything that doesn't have holes or bleach stains on it and my fiance has never seen her wear a dress and he is almost 28 years old!!!!! I don't mind her wearing a pants suit but whatever she wears it has to look Nice and match the Semi-Formal dress attire for the wedding. When I called her today she said... "oh I'm not ready for that".... Uh ready for what? I explained that we knew she needed financial assistance and we were already planing to pay for the dress... but she still refused! UGH i don't even know what size she wears but i decided that i would look without her and I immediately found a beautiful dress that<strong> matches the color scheme and dress code.</strong>... but now... how do i tell her this without making her upset?
Posted by kiaratmoore[/QUOTE]

You need to worry less about matching and more about what makes her feel comfortable and beautiful. Grown woman usually do not take well in being forced into something the aren't happy with and if go and tell her you chose a dress for her and that she needs to try it on, I don't know but I have a bad feeling it won't end well.

The best you can do is just ask her when she is free so you can do some girl shopping time and just "happened" to look at some dresses. Then you can have her pick a few she likes and you can pick a few that you think look good and let her try them on. But definitely don't force this dress issue onto her, she is a grown woman and even if she doesn't have the best tastes it is still her body and she has every right to choose something she feels good in.

bablingbrooke · January 2011

Color scheme? Dress code? Ay yi yi. You don't get to dictate how the guests dress, just your WP. MOB is not in the WP, so she gets to pick what she wears.

You know the old saying: "Give me the courage to change the things I can, to accept the things I cannot change, and the wisdom to know the difference"? This is one of those things you cannot change situations. So you need to let it go and stop trying to control it. Micromanaging every little detail about your wedding will burn you out, turn your nearest and dearest against you, and bum out your guests.

[Deleted User] · January 2011

Ditto Autumn. Her dress or pant suit doesn't have to match your wedding colors or WP at all. She is not part of the WP, therefore won't be in any pics with the WP, so it will be just fine.

It is fine for you to suggest a few outfits, but I would let her have the final say in what she wears. Being a MOB or MOG is a very important role and she should feel beautiful and comfortable in whatever she puts on.

R.Wilsonny · January 2011

I'm in a similar situation with my own mother.....my wedding is now less than 5 months away and she has not even gone to look for something to wear. Any time I've brought it up, she brushes it off.

Really frustrating - especially since my FI's mother keeps asking me what my mother is wearing so she can plan around that. I told her to just go ahead and pick what she will wear and not wait for my mother.....

bablingbrooke · January 2011

<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tomboy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:08ed8b0b-d701-44e1-b264-6592b86c7ee4Post:1323e6e3-80fb-45e6-b125-f6d8a761e8a2">Re: tomboy mother in law!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in a similar situation with my own mother.....<strong>my wedding is now less than 5 months away and she has not even gone to look for something to wear. Any time I've brought it up, she brushes it off. Really frustrating - especially since my FI's mother keeps asking me what my mother is wearing so she can plan around that.</strong> I told her to just go ahead and pick what she will wear and not wait for my mother.....
Posted by R.Wilsonny[/QUOTE]
Your wedding is 5 months away. Why does she need to buy her outfit now? It'll just sit in her closet for 5 months.<div>
</div><div>Your MIL doesn't need to coordinate with her, so if she's bugging you, just say, "Mary Jane, you'll look lovely in whatever you pick, so please go shop now if you want." Your mom shouldn't be bullied in to shopping on other peoples' schedules.</div></div>

LuluP82 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tomboy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:08ed8b0b-d701-44e1-b264-6592b86c7ee4Post:3aa30147-144c-4359-9362-800453ec7fd8">tomboy mother in law!!</a>:
[QUOTE]OMG we are less than 5 months away from the wedding and I asked my future mother in law to meet me at David's Bridal so we can pick out a dress. She is a tom boy and I rarely see her wearing anything that doesn't have holes or bleach stains on it and my fiance has never seen her wear a dress and he is almost 28 years old!!!!! I don't mind her wearing a pants suit but whatever she wears it has to look Nice and match the Semi-Formal dress attire for the wedding. When I called her today she said... "oh I'm not ready for that".... Uh ready for what? I explained that we knew she needed financial assistance and we were already planing to pay for the dress... but she still refused! UGH i don't even know what size she wears but i decided that i would look without her and I immediately found a beautiful dress that matches the color scheme and dress code....<strong> but now... how do i tell her this without making her upset?
</strong>Posted by kiaratmoore[/QUOTE]

You don't. She isn't a BM-- you can't tell her what to wear. She gets to wear whatever she wants. My MIL wore a strapless gown that matched the bridesmaids. I thought it was completely inappropriate, but hey-- she's' a grown woman! Her choice, not mine. My own mom wore an ivory dress. Again-- grown woman.

lalap69 · January 2011

You tried to force her to go shopping as though she were a child, commented on her financial situation, and now you're surprised that she doesn't want to go with you? She is a grown woman. She is not part of the WP. You don't get to tell her what to wear. Again, repeated for emphasis: You don't get to tell her what to wear.

sister2groom · January 2011

You can't force her to wear a specific color, or even type of clothing. And I have to say, I've been to tons of weddings and while I don't always like the MOB/MOG dresses, I've never seen one that was outright embarassing/inappropriate. There's a big difference between being a slob everyday and being a slob at your son's wedding.

And some people just don't like to shop with others because they're self-conscious. When my brother got married my mom wanted to take me out and get me a whole new outfit, down to the shoes, but wouldn't even discuss what she was wearing with me. One day she just went out on her own and bought it. I don't think anyone but her saw it before his wedding and it was loveley.

mrsjustinm2b · January 2011

I don't know...if my mom or MIL told me they were wearing white/ivory I would tell them exactly what I think about that...hells no!! That may be a bit bridezilla or whatever but I just beleive it is downright insulting to wear solid white to another persons wedding.
As long as its clean and in good repair it shouldnt really matter what she wears. Just give her the absolute last day a dress would need to be ordered by otherwise she will have to buy off the rack and leave it to her.

trix1223 · January 2011

You do realize that your FMIL (and mom for the other poster) can go to Macy's or Penney's the week of the wedding and get a dress, right?

I find it amusing that people start to obsess about "mom of" dresses months before the wedding. She'll get a dress when she's ready to get a dress. In whatever color she wants to wear. And whatever style she wants to wear.

And if you're a very smart FDIL, when you see what she's picked out, you'll smile and say "I'm so happy that you've found something that you're comfortable in."

Let this go. She's been dressing herself since before you were born.

bablingbrooke · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tomboy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:08ed8b0b-d701-44e1-b264-6592b86c7ee4Post:0ca7a818-41dc-4158-ad1e-529bd3bae478">Re: tomboy mother in law!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know...<strong>if my mom or MIL told me they were wearing white/ivory I would tell them exactly what I think about that...hells no!! That may be a bit bridezilla or whatever but I just beleive it is downright insulting to wear solid white to another persons wedding.</strong> As long as its clean and in good repair it shouldnt really matter what she wears. Just give her the absolute last day a dress would need to be ordered by otherwise she will have to buy off the rack and leave it to her.
Posted by mrsjustinm2b[/QUOTE]
Decide you won't be insulted by it. It's only insulting if you take it to be insulting. My grandmother, aunt, and two of my cousins wore white. They weren't trying to upstage me or make a statement--they wanted to wear it. They looked great. I didn't make a fuss. Why would I? <div>
</div><div>Life's too short to get bent out of shape over colors and reading meaning into them. If that's how you want to spend your engagement, looking for treachery everywhere and suspecting peoples' motives, be my guest. But it seems like such a waste of energy to me.</div>

tldh · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tomboy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:08ed8b0b-d701-44e1-b264-6592b86c7ee4Post:0ca7a818-41dc-4158-ad1e-529bd3bae478">Re: tomboy mother in law!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know...if my mom or MIL told me they were wearing white/ivory I would tell them exactly what I think about that...hells no!! That may be a bit bridezilla or whatever but I just beleive it is downright insulting to wear solid white to another persons wedding. As long as its clean and in good repair it shouldnt really matter what she wears. Just give her the absolute last day a dress would need to be ordered by otherwise she will have to buy off the rack and leave it to her.
Posted by mrsjustinm2b[/QUOTE]

...oh you're going to be a joy....

Do you really think someone would mistake one of the moms for the girl in the big white dress up front?

msgraphics · January 2011

I guess I'm lucky… they both asked what color they should wear… I choose silver, it will go great with purple and green, it's neutral, will look good on both of them and chance are, what they buy will be worn again. That being said I wouldn't try to stop them from wearing anything other than white, black or pink… I hate pink

AutumnFair · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tomboy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:08ed8b0b-d701-44e1-b264-6592b86c7ee4Post:71834ccf-849e-428f-9159-552200b1a6cb">Re: tomboy mother in law!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I'm lucky… they both asked what color they should wear… I choose silver, it will go great with purple and green, it's neutral, will look good on both of them and chance are, what they buy will be worn again. That being said I wouldn't try to stop them from wearing anything other than white, black or pink… I hate pink
Posted by msgraphics[/QUOTE]

You should has said "whatever you feel beautiful in". Once again colors do not have to match. And why are you against black?

trix1223 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tomboy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:08ed8b0b-d701-44e1-b264-6592b86c7ee4Post:71834ccf-849e-428f-9159-552200b1a6cb">Re: tomboy mother in law!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I'm lucky… they both asked what color they should wear… I choose silver, it will go great with purple and green, it's neutral, will look good on both of them and chance are, what they buy will be worn again. That being said I wouldn't try to stop them from wearing anything other than white, black or pink… I hate pink
Posted by msgraphics[/QUOTE]

It doesn't matter that YOU hate pink. YOU'RE not wearing the dress. If your mom or FMIL chose a pink dress, so what? FWIW: With my coloring, I never wear silver. It would look simply awful on me, and I can promise that I'd never have occasion to wear a silver dress again.

When the moms asked what they should wear, the answer should have been the one that my incredibly wonderful DIL or my adorable DD gave me:

ME: What do you want me to wear for the wedding?
DIL: Whatever you feel beautiful and comfortable in.

ME: I think I found my dress for your wedding.
DD: Did you buy it?
ME: No, I thought you might want to see it first.
DD: Mommmmmmmm, if you love it then it's perfect. Go get it.

Oh, and my dopey SIL wore an all white dress to son and DIL's wedding. DIL didn't even realize it until she got her pictures, and then she just laughed about it. It's a typical SIL kind of thing to do. Everyone who knows SIL just thought she looked like a dope and not a single person mistook her for the bride.

bablingbrooke · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tomboy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:08ed8b0b-d701-44e1-b264-6592b86c7ee4Post:71834ccf-849e-428f-9159-552200b1a6cb">Re: tomboy mother in law!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I'm lucky… they both asked what color they should wear… I choose silver, it will go great with purple and green, it's neutral, will look good on both of them and chance are, what they buy will be worn again. <strong>That being said I wouldn't try to stop them from wearing anything other than white, black or pink… I hate pink</strong>
Posted by msgraphics[/QUOTE]
Will you be turning away guests who show up in the forbidden colors at the door?

Viczaesar · January 2011

You don't have any right to dictate your MIL's attire. It's not your business. Period.

aerinpegadrak · January 2011

I hate pink as well, but my mom was initially considering wearing the pink dress she'd worn for my sister's wedding to mine, and my knee jerk reaction was "Go for it!"

She can wear whatever she wants. If she wants to show up in a bright green bikini, you don't really get to tell her no without coming off as a giant brat. If she's not dressed for the occasion, she's the one who looks bad, not you. This isn't for you to worry about in the slightest.

laurenes · January 2011

Previous posters are right, you've probably made her uncomfortable by trying to goad her into shopping with you like she can't manage it herself, and while you meant well by offering to subsidize her dress, it probably made her feel incredibly awkward.

Mom dresses do not need to match the wedding party. I always think it's nice when they coordinate, but it's by no means a requirement.

If it makes you feel any better, my MIL is a bit tomboy/bargain bag shopper herself. I was a little concerned about what she might pick for herself (I've seen some interesting outfits over the years) but I KEPT MY WORRIES TO MYSELF. As it turns out, she bought a sparkly navy dress with a matching shawl/jacket thing. It would not have been my first pick style wise, but it is a lovely color, definitely appropriate for the formality of the wedding, and I believe she'll be both comfortable and happy in it. I think your mother in law may surprise you.

Muffin'sMom · January 2011

Dress code?? Seriously?? Wow.

MairePoppy · January 2011

If I was your fmil, I would have been very offended by your pushiness. The MOB and MOG get to pick out their own dresses, in the color, style and length that they prefer. Do not pick out a dress for her. She's not a 5 year old.

lalap69 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tomboy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:08ed8b0b-d701-44e1-b264-6592b86c7ee4Post:71834ccf-849e-428f-9159-552200b1a6cb">Re: tomboy mother in law!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I'm lucky… they both asked what color they should wear… I choose silver, it will go great with purple and green, it's neutral, will look good on both of them and chance are, what they buy will be worn again. That being said I wouldn't try to stop them from wearing anything other than white, black or pink…<strong> I hate pink</strong>
Posted by msgraphics[/QUOTE]
Then don't wear pink.

Why do you think throwing a party gives you the right to dictate what other people can wear?

LuluP82 · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tomboy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:357Discussion:08ed8b0b-d701-44e1-b264-6592b86c7ee4Post:0ca7a818-41dc-4158-ad1e-529bd3bae478">Re: tomboy mother in law!!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know...if my mom or MIL told me they were wearing white/ivory I would tell them exactly what I think about that...hells no!! That may be a bit bridezilla or whatever but I just beleive it is downright insulting to wear solid white to another persons wedding. As long as its clean and in good repair it shouldnt really matter what she wears. Just give her the absolute last day a dress would need to be ordered by otherwise she will have to buy off the rack and leave it to her.
Posted by mrsjustinm2b[/QUOTE]

It really wasn't a big deal. It's not like people confused my mom's knee-length ivory dress with a jacket with my wedding gown. Or my mom for the bride. You know, my mom was the one escorted in and sat on the front row. I was the one up there, you know,repeating vows in front of the priest.

The reason my mom ended up in ivory and my MIL ended up in a brown gown that matched the bridesmaids is because, when they asked me what I wanted them to wear, I said whatever they felt comfortable in. If that's what they felt comfortable in, well, then that was that.

skippylouwho · January 2011

What's wrong with black? To many of us it is a sign of mourning. I would not wear black to either DD or DS's. Just as wearing white is disrespectiful so is wearing black to a wedding. (If your female, not if you are male). I know most people today disagree with that but it's how I feel and I would not ever do it.

But to the original topic - let her wear what she wants. Let it go, move on. In the bigger scheme of life, is it REALLY that important? And David's (or any other bridal store) would be about my last choice for a dress as a MOG or MOB. Try Macy's, Dillards, VonMaur, Nordstrom's - heck even thrift stores. As far as the department stores, you'd be surprised at the sales and what you can get for the same price or less than you'd spend at David's.

AutumnFair · January 2011

See I think there are too many "traditional" color "rules" for weddings. No one can wear black, no one can wear white, no one can wear the same color as the BMs, MOB/MOG can't wear the same color, MOB/MOG must coordinate with WP just WAY too many dictations in my book. Unless you kick the bride out of the way and start walking down the aisle with a bouquet and start saying vows to the Groom I just don't see what the huge deal is. I've seen plenty of MOB/MOG wear black with sparky trim and look beautiful to me, I believe most people know that black is just a formal color to wear at formal events like black tie parties, weddings, funerals, graduation ceremonies, it doesn't just have to be associate itself with funerals, people wear it to many formal things.

So yeah, I don't think anyone should dictate what outfit a MOB/MOG can and can not wear. If they feel beautiful in it then go for it.

jcamm11 · January 2011

Moms don't need to order their dresses. They dress like they're going to a wedding like any other guest. They can go to Macy's or Dress Barn or something the day before if they want to.

The only issue with color is the MOB and MOG usually consult with eachother so they don't end up wearing the same color, but that's sort of old school anyways.

That's cool if you want to go shopping with her, and really nice of you to offer to buy something for her, but let her pick it out. If she doesn't want to go shopping with you, just let her be then. I doubt she'll show up to your wedding in torn, bleach-stained sweats.

msgraphics · January 2011

Wow… I guess I'm a horrible person for answering a question. Especially because all of you hate my answer…

I can understand an objection to "Mom, you HAVE to wear this" or "FMIL, you need to order this dress, in this color, from this store, by this date." I can not understand an objection to being asked what color they should wear and me giving my preference. This being said, they both planned on buying something new for my wedding and will choose what they like.

If they didn't ask, it would be a different story, but they asked, I gave my opinion and the both liked it (if either objected, I would not be one to insist). I don't get the big deal.

AutumnFair · January 2011

Horrible no, but they asked you what your opinion was, OP's FMIL definitely did not. Plus I think its always better relationship wise to not put restrictions on what colors they should wear. Because they could be shopping and find this awesome pastel pink dress but then they second guess themselves because you said that you liked silver. This why I even suggest not giving them a color (even if they asked) and just to let them go out (maybe with their girls friends or female relatives) and pick something they love regardless of color and they won't have second thoughts because you said anything was alright.

kiaratmoore · January 2011

In response to everyone, I was not at all pushy or demanding when I talked to her and this was something that we discussed 8 months ago. I offered to go shopping as a girls thing on many occasions but still nothing. I was never rude and didn't mention anything about her finances until she brought it up. Knowing her situation before hand we already put the money aside for her dress to gift to her. I am completely ok with her wearing a pants suit to match the semi formal dress code. However, It is my choice to have the mothers match the fathers and that's exactly what I am going to do thank you for you suggestion and opinions. You do things your way and I will do things my way. Good luck on your day

AutumnFair · January 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_tomboy-mother-law?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:357Discussion:08ed8b0b-d701-44e1-b264-6592b86c7ee4Post:f0ba015b-e16e-4cbf-b45d-3fd444eb4ff1">Re: tomboy mother in law!!</a>:
[QUOTE]In response to everyone, I was not at all pushy or demanding when I talked to her and this was something that we discussed 8 months ago. I offered to go shopping as a girls thing on many occasions but still nothing. I was never rude and didn't mention anything about her finances until she brought it up. Knowing her situation before hand we already put the money aside for her dress to gift to her. I am completely ok with her wearing a pants suit to match the semi formal dress code. However,<strong> It is my choice to have the mothers match the fathers</strong> <strong>and that's exactly what I am going to do thank you for you suggestion and opinions.</strong> <strong> You do things your way and I will do things my way.</strong> Good luck on your day
Posted by kiaratmoore[/QUOTE]

You know we advise people because we really don't want them to look like Bridezillas but if you want to take the chance of erking your FMIL because you want everyone to match then that is definitely your choice. But once again, no one should be forced to wear something they do not feel comfortable in just because you want that specific look. I really hope it doesn't come back and burn you like I've seen many times.

tomboy mother in law!!

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