WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred

ca_surfergirl · December 2009

Hi Everyone, I have sent out an email with our wedding website to all of our guests. My FL got a call from his mother last night saying that she does not think everyone, (E.g. some of his family) will follow it and they would show up wearing whatever they wanted to wear. This is how in is outline with the reception information page, because there was concern the guest not knowing what Black Tied Preferred meant. GentlemenA traditional tuxedo is the preferred choice of attire for the event.If you decide not to wear a tuxedo, you may wear a dark suit with a dress shirt and conservative tie.LadiesA long, formal gown should be worn if the gentleman accompanying you is wearing a tuxedo.If the gentleman accompanying you is wearing a dark suit instead of a tuxedo you may consider wearing either a short evening gown or a dinner suit. I wanted “Black Tie” but in the interest of some of our guest went the route of “Black Tie Preferred” so that people would not have to decline the invite because they did not have a Tuxedo or a long formal gown. I mean we are providing a four course meal with an open bar, the least people could do is wear a suit or a cocktail dress. If that is not a good point to draw a line with a dress code, I do not know what is. A wedding we went to this summer (similar group to who will be there from his side) did not have a dress code. Some people were wearing jeans and tees shirts, while my FI and I were dressed in a suite and cocktail dress. Proper etiquette indicates if you can afford to follow the dress code you are supposed decline the invite, not complain about it and try to get it changed. They have five months to find something to wear. If they do not have a suit/dress why not get one from a thrift store? I can’t believe one or two people are trying to get us to change the wedding , when all of the guest from my side do not have any problems with it. It just makes me so mad. Is anyone else running into problems with the dress code? How did you solved it?

Kati0105 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:4a47f681-f759-4021-a51e-a12bf56ad41b">WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Everyone, I have sent out an email with our wedding website to all of our guests. My FL got a call from his mother last night saying that she does not think everyone, (E.g. some of his family) will follow it and they would show up wearing whatever they wanted to wear. This is how in is outline with the reception information page, because there was concern the guest not knowing what Black Tied Preferred meant. Gentlemen A traditional tuxedo is the preferred choice of attire for the event. If you decide not to wear a tuxedo, you may wear a dark suit with a dress shirt and conservative tie. Ladies A long, formal gown should be worn if the gentleman accompanying you is wearing a tuxedo. If the gentleman accompanying you is wearing a dark suit instead of a tuxedo you may consider wearing either a short evening gown or a dinner suit. I wanted “Black Tie” but in the interest of some of our guest went the route of “Black Tie Preferred” so that people would not have to decline the invite because they did not have a Tuxedo or a long formal gown. I mean we are providing a four course meal with an open bar, the least people could do is wear a suit or a cocktail dress. If that is not a good point to draw a line with a dress code, I do not know what is. A wedding we went to this summer (similar group to who will be there from his side) did not have a dress code. Some people were wearing jeans and tees shirts, while my FI and I were dressed in a suite and cocktail dress. Proper etiquette indicates if you can afford to follow the dress code you are supposed decline the invite, not complain about it and try to get it changed. They have five months to find something to wear. If they do not have a suit/dress why not get one from a thrift store? I can’t believe one or two people are trying to get us to change the wedding , when all of the guest from my side do not have any problems with it. It just makes me so mad. Is anyone else running into problems with the dress code? How did you solved it?
Posted by ca_surfergirl[/QUOTE]

alixzafiris · December 2009

Gentlemen

A traditional tuxedo is the preferred choice of attire for the event.

If you decide not to wear a tuxedo, you may wear a dark suit with a dress shirt and conservative tie.

Ladies

A long, formal gown should be worn if the gentleman accompanying you is wearing a tuxedo.

If the gentleman accompanying you is wearing a dark suit instead of a tuxedo you may consider wearing either a short evening gown or a dinner suit.

You actually included this with your invitations? Please tell me you didn't.

Personally, I'd be insulted as all hell if I got this in an invite. I'm an adult, I can dress myself. Andplus, it's 2009. I'm sure if people don't know what "Black Tie Optional" means on an invite, they can google it. Just having that - no problem; adding your little textbook of how-to-dress-yourself advice is rude.

AmoroAgain · December 2009

I didn't try to force my guests into wearing something they wouldn't have.

JK10910 · December 2009

If I got that info from you, telling me (an adult who has been dressing myself for over 20 years) how to dres for your wedding, I would decline and not send a gift. Because you're rude.

ScarletGem · December 2009

Yeah, I'm thinking that most people won't show up to a wedding in jeans and a t-shirt. You might have been better off just saying "Black Tie Preferred" without the instructions attached, and if someone shows up in jeans, it reflects on them, not you.

And your guests don't need to let you dress them up like dolls just because you're offering an expensive dinner.

Brie2010 · December 2009

What it comes down to is that this comes across as extremely patronizing.

They are adults who can presumably figure out how to dress themselves. You are talking down to them like babies. It's no wonder they don't appreciate it.

SwedishChick2011 · December 2009

This is a joke, right?

3plus · December 2009

You're just a peach aren't you?

No, I'm not having these kind of problems because I'm not rude enough to tell my guests what they should be wearing.

AmoroAgain · December 2009

I'd decline with a bag of flaming poo. Cause that's pretty much what you deserve.

Night_Sprite · December 2009

You are a hot mess. Maybe even a tranny hot mess.

JessAndTrav · December 2009

Yeah, I'm going to have to go with everyone else here. Yuor explanation is quite insulting. You should have just left it at 'black tie optional' or something to that effect.

But you asked on what to do now.

Well, you can't really do anything. You can hope that people will show up wearing what you want them to wear, but you can't go to their homes and personally dress them.

You could try to word-of-mouth method, but people may just think that you're being a bridezilla. (I probably would.)

ca_surfergirl · December 2009

I placed this information on the wedding website because people asked what it meant. Our venue will not let them in if they do not wear a suit or dress.

MissLeahM · December 2009

If I had to buy an outfit just to go to a wedding (because the bride went zilla and MADE me) then I would but I wouldn't bring a gift, or spend any money, plus I'd get sh!tfaced and then complain.

AmoroAgain · December 2009

Except, in your case, I'd call you an overpretentious git.

JK10910 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:eca0d341-ecd7-4007-8fd7-183d4c5ab16d">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]I placed this information on the wedding website because people asked what it meant. Our venue will not let them in if they do not wear a suit or dress.
Posted by ca_surfergirl[/QUOTE]

Nope, see, now you're changing your story. Because you said you wanted them to wear black tie because you're feeding them an expensive dinner. If you had said right away that the venue has a dress code, you would have gotten different answers.

So, if that in fact is true, and your venue has a dress code, you might want to add that tidbit of info and get to passing it along by word of mouth. That way people realize you're not just rude.

SwedishChick2011 · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:eca0d341-ecd7-4007-8fd7-183d4c5ab16d">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]I placed this information on the wedding website because people asked what it meant. Our venue will not let them in if they do not wear a suit or dress.
Posted by ca_surfergirl[/QUOTE]
Nice try with the backtracking.

kate51485 · December 2009

Ridiculous. On all accounts.

Edit...hmm, is it on all accounts, or on all counts? My brain is not working today, sorry.

Either way, still ridiculous. If your venue is black tie and you know some of your guests may not be able to afford that attire, why are you having it there, or inviting those people?

squirrly · December 2009

You don't tell your guests what to wear. Proper etiquette says that you convey the level of formality of the event by the style and formality of your invitations. From there it's your guests' responsibility to pick out their own clothes. And, unless your venue has a dress code that your guests need to be made aware of, you shouldn't put it on your invites or website. You can share the information via word of mouth, but nothing else.

It's really a little much to expect your guests to come in tuxedos and ballgowns, in my opinion. Unless, of course, you're the princess of Monaco and the reception will also be a state dinner.

JK10910 · December 2009

After re-reading your original post, I've determined the venue does not have a dress code and you're changing your story because you don't like the answers. Everything in the OP points to YOU wanting a dress code because you're a brat.

ScarletGem · December 2009

Well, if the venue won't let them in if they don't meet a certain dress code, then you should get that info out there (although I would even be annoyed at that, but that's me). But "please be aware that the venue's dress code requires dresses or suits" is very very different from the condescending, detailed dress code you've listed.

JessAndTrav · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:eca0d341-ecd7-4007-8fd7-183d4c5ab16d">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]I placed this information on the wedding website because people asked what it meant. Our venue will not let them in if they do not wear a suit or dress.
Posted by ca_surfergirl[/QUOTE]

You should have just put that information on the website, that your venue won't allow anything else, and then include a link or something about the etiquette for a black tie event.

No matter how you defend it, your explanation is completely degrading. It comes across that you think your guests are idiots.

AmoroAgain · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:eca0d341-ecd7-4007-8fd7-183d4c5ab16d">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]I placed this information on the wedding website because people asked what it meant. Our venue will not let them in if they do not wear a suit or dress.
Posted by ca_surfergirl[/QUOTE]

Then that's all you needed to say. Not "you will wear this and that" blah blah blah.

ca_surfergirl · December 2009

It was a long post and I forgot to add it.

JK10910 · December 2009

I still think you're full of shiit. Especially with the way your OP is worded. Meh.

Night_Sprite · December 2009

Your venue is black tie preferred? Venues even require that? Most venues are either black tie or not. I'm guessing yours is not.

LarissaAnn · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:4a47f681-f759-4021-a51e-a12bf56ad41b">WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi Everyone, I have sent out an email with our wedding website to all of our guests. My FL got a call from his mother last night saying that she does not think everyone, (E.g. some of his family) will follow it and they would show up wearing whatever they wanted to wear. This is how in is outline with the reception information page, because there was concern the guest not knowing what Black Tied Preferred meant. Gentlemen A traditional tuxedo is the preferred choice of attire for the event. If you decide not to wear a tuxedo, you may wear a dark suit with a dress shirt and conservative tie. Ladies A long, formal gown should be worn if the gentleman accompanying you is wearing a tuxedo. If the gentleman accompanying you is wearing a dark suit instead of a tuxedo you may consider wearing either a short evening gown or a dinner suit. I wanted “Black Tie” but in the interest of some of our guest went the route of “Black Tie Preferred” so that people would not have to decline the invite because they did not have a Tuxedo or a long formal gown. I mean we are providing a four course meal with an open bar, the least people could do is wear a suit or a cocktail dress. If that is not a good point to draw a line with a dress code, I do not know what is. A wedding we went to this summer (similar group to who will be there from his side) did not have a dress code. Some people were wearing jeans and tees shirts, while my FI and I were dressed in a suite and cocktail dress. Proper etiquette indicates if you can afford to follow the dress code you are supposed decline the invite, not complain about it and try to get it changed. They have five months to find something to wear. If they do not have a suit/dress why not get one from a thrift store? I can’t believe one or two people are trying to get us to change the wedding , when all of the guest from my side do not have any problems with it. It just makes me so mad. Is anyone else running into problems with the dress code? How did you solved it?
Posted by ca_surfergirl[/QUOTE]
You're nuts. Go to the bottom of this post, and click on the link for my married bio. Click on "menu," and take a look at what WE offered for a meal. Take a look at our formal photos and see how our venue looked - VERY FORMAL.<div>
</div><div>Then take a look at the cocktail hour & reception photos to see how people dressed.</div><div>
</div><div>And then get over yourself. It's a freakin' party and you're throwing it to THANK your guests to coming to your wedding. Let them enjoy it, and save the velvet ropes for the frou frou clubs the next time you go out on a Saturday night.</div>

JessAndTrav · December 2009

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_wr-dress-code-issues-black-tie-preferred?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:edbbc14a-b4d3-4bd7-9c3f-f617c0110c93Post:c081cb0c-c728-423b-b678-cd5a43d97f17">Re: WR: Dress Code issues with Black Tie Preferred</a>:
[QUOTE]It was a long post and I forgot to add it.
Posted by ca_surfergirl[/QUOTE]

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Of course you did.

squirrly · December 2009

Well, then change your website. Take out the obnoxious instructions and include that little note. If you REALLY have to spell it out, link "Black Tie" to a description elsewhere on the web. Surely, though, your guests can google.

But - if your FI's side of the family isn't really a black tie crowd, why on earth did you pick that venue? I want a nice wedding as much as the next person, but we picked a venue that all of our guests should be comfortable in.

ca_surfergirl · December 2009

Thanks AmoroAgain! I will replace that other stuff with venue information about dress code. I wish I had thought of doing that in the first place.

3plus · December 2009

The venue requiring a suit or a dress is very, very different than you wanting "Black Tie Preferred" because of how expensive your meal is.

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