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Father of child won't marry...move on?

I'm going to try to make this as short as I can given the details of our situation. Thank you for reading, I am truly tore up about this right now, and would love opinions and advice from an 'outsiders' point of view. 

2008- I was in a "dating" relationship with a man and got pregnant 2 months into it. He had 3 other children, full custody of one, and joint (half & half) with the other 2. We both kind of freaked out, hormones got the best of me and I broke it off. I had 1 other child from a previous relationship as well. 

Fast forward to now.....We have been back together for 4 months now. Things are good between us, and we're happy together. Our daughter is almost 3 years old now. We basically jumped into this head first and moved really quick. I was living with him within 2 weeks.......He has a demanding work schedule and works from 9am-9pm 6 days a week. I have taken on full responsibility of cleaning, cooking, taking care of his one child full time, plus my own. His other two are here for half of the week, every week, and I take care of them as well; homework, baths, washing clothes, feeding, etc.

When and if I bring up marriage, he gets FURIOUS. Says he doesn't want to get married, doesn't need a "piece of paper", and that it means nothing to him. I on the other hand, believe very much in being married BEFORE living together (a lot of details on how I got here), and have pushed my beliefs aside to be here. When I try to stress to him how much it means to me, and that going to bed together every night not being married bothers me, he says that I'm "pressuring him" and trying to "force" him into something he doesn't want to do. I tell him that I understand it won't be tomorrow, and am willing to wait, but just want to know that it's a goal we're working for. He says "it's not." And that "If I ever want to put a ring on your finger, I will. Leave me alone about it, it pisses me off."

On the other hand, he introduces me as his "FIANCEE"!!! Because he doesn't like the way girlfriend sounds. But then expects me NEVER to bring it up. 

I'm considering packing up and leaving. I feel like I'm good enough to do everything else in this house, including raising HIS children, but not good enough for him to be married to. If it's nothing to him, yet so much to me, why wouldn't he just do it? So many questions...Just looking for some advice. Thanks!
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Re: Father of child won't marry...move on?

  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    I would say leave.  Sounds like you guys don't have very good communication anyways, why stay with someone who clearly doesn't want to marry you.  It sounds like he is putting you off with the tantalizing hope that he might someday just to keep you around. You should find someone with the same dreams and hopes as your own.  That includes getting married.  He could be a great guy but if you don't match up don't force something that isn't going to work. Best of luck to you.

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:c0dea92a-dee2-4cd4-850e-b560709cfa84">Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]going to bed together every night not being married bothers me, he says that I'm "pressuring him" and trying to "force" him into something he doesn't want to do.
    Posted by Courtney6983[/QUOTE]
    Sounds like he might be pressuring you into doing something you don't want to do (i.e. live together before marriage). If you don't think living together before marriage is right, then move out. You may want to end the relationship regardless of what he chooses to do next, but if he chooses to make you doing something you feel is right a relationship-ender then that's his problem.

    Also, being a stay-at-home-mom sounds to me like a very risky situation if you're not married. SAHMs can have a tough time getting back into the work force, which is exactly what you'd have to do if you broke up because it's not like you'd be getting alimony.
  • Courtney6983Courtney6983 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I'm not a SAHM, I own my own business so my hours are very flexible, and I do a lot from home. 

    It's not even that I was dying to be married now, just given the situation and seeing as how I'm living there, I want to know that we are working towards marriage. 


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  • edited December 2011
    This situation sounds awful.  He keeps you around to care for his home and his children and occassionally sleep with him while he won't give you the one thing you ask for?  Nope, not me honey.  I'd be long gone.
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  • edited December 2011
    Think about it this way: if your daughter was a grown woman in this situation, what decision would you want HER to make? She may be young, but she's learning from you every day. Make a decision you can be proud of.

    I won't say what I think I would do, because I have never been in your situation. However, I'm a firm believer that your relationship with your partner is an incredibly important foundation in your family. Your child(ren) will suffer if their parents (even step-parents) have an unhealthy or hostile relationship. Whoever you choose to spend your life with, you should be happy with them and be able to communicate your needs, understand theirs, and work TOGETHER toward common goals.

    If talking to each other won't work, consider couples counseling to help you resolve this issue... whether that ends up in you staying or going. When kids are involved, these big relationship problems can be damaging if left unresolved.
    Anniversary
  • AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:c0dea92a-dee2-4cd4-850e-b560709cfa84">Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm going to try to make this as short as I can given the details of our situation. Thank you for reading, I am truly tore up about this right now, and would love opinions and advice from an 'outsiders' point of view.  2008- I was in a "dating" relationship with a man and got pregnant 2 months into it. He had 3 other children, full custody of one, and joint (half & half) with the other 2. We both kind of freaked out, hormones got the best of me and I broke it off. I had 1 other child from a previous relationship as well.  Fast forward to now.....We have been back together for 4 months now. Things are good between us, and we're happy together. Our daughter is almost 3 years old now. We basically jumped into this head first and moved really quick. I was living with him within 2 weeks.......He has a demanding work schedule and works from 9am-9pm 6 days a week. I have taken on full responsibility of cleaning, cooking, taking care of his one child full time, plus my own. His other two are here for half of the week, every week, and I take care of them as well; homework, baths, washing clothes, feeding, etc. When and if I bring up marriage, he gets FURIOUS. Says he doesn't want to get married, doesn't need a "piece of paper", and that it means nothing to him. I on the other hand, believe very much in being married BEFORE living together (a lot of details on how I got here), and have pushed my beliefs aside to be here. When I try to stress to him how much it means to me, and that going to bed together every night not being married bothers me, he says that I'm "pressuring him" and trying to "force" him into something he doesn't want to do. I tell him that I understand it won't be tomorrow, and am willing to wait, but just want to know that it's a goal we're working for. He says "it's not." And that "If I ever want to put a ring on your finger, I will. Leave me alone about it, it pisses me off." On the other hand, he introduces me as his "FIANCEE"!!! Because he doesn't like the way girlfriend sounds. But then expects me NEVER to bring it up.  I'm considering packing up and leaving. I feel like I'm good enough to do everything else in this house, including raising HIS children, but not good enough for him to be married to.<strong> If it's nothing to him, yet so much to me, why wouldn't he just do it?</strong> So many questions...Just looking for some advice. Thanks!
    Posted by Courtney6983[/QUOTE]

    Have you talked to him why he is so against it?

    On the other hand, if he is so against it, why don't you just deal with it.

    If him not marrying you is the main thing you worry about, leave him. It's obvious your relationship will never be ready for marriage the way it is now. You both have a lot of shiit to work out if it ever is going to be. Not everyone wants to get married and not everyone is going to be understanding of that.
    I'm not good at feelings.

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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    If you aren't ready to end the relationship you at least need to move out. If you aren't comfortable living together before marriage then don't do it, its as simple as that.

    IMHO you made a huge mistake by moving so fast in this relationship and now you have a big mess to deal with.


  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:c0dea92a-dee2-4cd4-850e-b560709cfa84">Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm going to try to make this as short as I can given the details of our situation. Thank you for reading, I am truly tore up about this right now, and would love opinions and advice from an 'outsiders' point of view.  2008- I was in a "dating" relationship with a man and got pregnant 2 months into it. He had 3 other children, full custody of one, and joint (half & half) with the other 2. We both kind of freaked out, hormones got the best of me and I broke it off. I had 1 other child from a previous relationship as well.  Fast forward to now.....We have been back together for 4 months now. Things are good between us, and we're happy together. Our daughter is almost 3 years old now. We basically jumped into this head first and moved really quick. I was living with him within 2 weeks.......He has a demanding work schedule and works from 9am-9pm 6 days a week. I have taken on full responsibility of cleaning, cooking, taking care of his one child full time, plus my own. His other two are here for half of the week, every week, and I take care of them as well; homework, baths, washing clothes, feeding, etc. When and if I bring up marriage, he gets FURIOUS. Says he doesn't want to get married, doesn't need a "piece of paper", and that it means nothing to him. I on the other hand, believe very much in being married BEFORE living together (a lot of details on how I got here), and have pushed my beliefs aside to be here. When I try to stress to him how much it means to me, and that going to bed together every night not being married bothers me, he says that I'm "pressuring him" and trying to "force" him into something he doesn't want to do. I tell him that I understand it won't be tomorrow, and am willing to wait, but just want to know that it's a goal we're working for. He says "it's not." And that "If I ever want to put a ring on your finger, I will. Leave me alone about it, it pisses me off." On the other hand, he introduces me as his "FIANCEE"!!! Because he doesn't like the way girlfriend sounds. But then expects me NEVER to bring it up.  I'm considering packing up and leaving. I feel like I'm good enough to do everything else in this house, including raising HIS children, but not good enough for him to be married to. If it's nothing to him, yet so much to me, why wouldn't he just do it? So many questions...Just looking for some advice. Thanks!
    Posted by Courtney6983[/QUOTE]

    <div>Ok.  I have a lot of thoughts here.  So, I'll try to be as gentle as possible.</div><div>
    </div><div>1) Birth control is your friend.  Between the two of you, you have 5 children (and it sounds like neither of you has been married.)  I strongly recommend that at least until you get your relationship issues sorted out, you invest in some quality birth control.  The last thing you need right now is to get pregnant again and bring another child into a potentially tumultuous relationship.</div><div>
    </div><div>2)  Maybe you jumped into this too quickly.  The "where do we see this relationship going" conversation probably should have happened prior to your moving in...but I guess it's shoulda, coulda, woulda in this case.</div><div>
    </div><div>3)  If you choose to raise his children, that's very nice of you, but it doesn't sound like he's making you do it.  So when you argue with him, don't throw that in his face.  I guarantee, it won't go well.</div><div>
    </div><div>4)  He told you...he doesn't want to get married.  If you force him into marriage or give him ultimatums, the ONLY reason he'll marry you is to shut you up.  Then he'll quietly resent you until your relationship self-implodes.  I've seen it happen many times in cases where one spouse gave the other spouse the ultimatum of "Marry me or else..."</div><div>
    </div><div>5)  Can you explain your reasoning in not wanting to live together before marriage?  Obviously, if you already have a child together, this has nothing to do with sex.  So how does this make sense?  Also, if there is some logical explanation for this, he's not going to take your desire to not live together before marriage seriously if you admittedly "jumped into" living with him.  If it's that important to you, move out unless he marries you.</div><div>
    </div><div>6)  When he calls you his fiancee, announce "No, I'm just his girlfriend."  He'll look stupid and shut up.  Also, make sure you tell him that you're not ok with him calling you his fiancee if you're not engaged.</div><div>
    </div><div>7)  If you want to leave, leave.  Only YOU know what your deal breakers are.  If never getting married is a deal breaker for you, then you need to leave.  Also, realize that your child's well-being in this situation needs to be your #1 priority.  Do what's best for her.  If you're going to leave, do it now, and don't make it a long, stressful, drawn out process.  Make it as quick and painless as possible (think ripping off a band-aid.)  </div><div>
    </div><div>Good luck.</div><div>
    </div>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:c0dea92a-dee2-4cd4-850e-b560709cfa84">Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE] going to bed together every night not being married bothers me
    Posted by Courtney6983[/QUOTE]

    Really? REALLY. You already have two children, definitely one out-of-wedlock. I fail to see how this can truly bother you.

    That being said, you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend as to why he has such an aversion to marriage. No one should have to sacrifice something that's really important to them in order to appease the other person, i.e. you shouldn't have to sacrifice your desire to get married and he shouldn't have to get married if he truly doesn't want to.

    If you guys cannot come to a compromise, you need to decide what is best for you and your child. No one can make that decision for you.

    Good luck.
  • edited December 2011
    I wasn't trying to be snoopy, but I was genuinely curious and noticed OP's post on the Nest (same topic). She has been married, and her husband passed away. She was also apparently on BC, so we can cease ragging her about those two things.

    In my experience, if you have sex, you can conceive... regardless of whether you're taking pills, using condoms, hanging from rafters while crowing like a rooster... whatever. Sex = POSSIBILITY of pregnancy. End of story.

    That said (and on a slightly joking note), this guy must have super-human sperm to knock up 3 different women so many times! Ba-dum-ksh! Cool
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Um... whoa. This baby-daddy sounds like a jerk. Why are you with him again? If I were you, I'd run like hell and then get a court order for child support. And what's with calling you a fiancée when you're not and he never intends to marry you. Loser. If he hates the term 'girlfriend' so much, he needs to put truth behind what he's calling you instead. Except he doesn't sound like he's worth marrying anyway.
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  • edited December 2011
    He's telling you he doesn't want to get married ever. I think you should take that to heart/at face value. Accept it as an unchanging truth and ask yourself, "Can I live without marriage forever in order to be with him?" From this post it sounds like the answer is no, in which case you should leave.

    What I would personally do in your situation is move out. *Maybe* not break it off just yet (though I think I would, but let's say I wouldn't), and kind of try to get a "new start" on the relationship. You jumped in way too fast, obviously. It's OK to take a step back to try to give things time to grow. Especially since it's only been four months. Kid or no kid, that's a very short amount of time to be thinking about marriage.

    However, there is a very wise woman I know who says, "If a man shows you who he really is, believe him. He is showing you who he is right now, and nothing you do will change it. Accept it or move on." It sounds like you're kind of in denial about what he's saying to you and hoping he'll change his mind eventually. He *might,* but going through life pining for something that may never come is no way to live.

    And aside from the marriage issue, he sounds kinda childish and jerky. No matter what you decide, I think couples counseling is in order.

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  • stemms8810stemms8810 member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Yes, move on.  Trust me because I have been there, if a man says he doesn't want to get married or has no interest in seriously discussing it, then it's not going to happen and you deserve to be with someone who WANTS to marry you.  He also has no respect for your concerns about living together before marriage.  It sounds like this was all rushed into too quickly.  Don't stay with a man if the relationship is not meeting our expectations and he won't compromise.
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  • edited December 2011

    RUN, dont walk, to your freedom!  Lord have mercy.

  • edited December 2011
    I  see so many red flags in this post. Just the part that you said about him getting "FURIOUS" when you bring up marriage makes me really worried for you.  What did you mean about him getting furious? Does he hurt you? Scream?  Also, it is a red flag for me when you say that you moved in with him within two weeks of your relationship, yet you don't agree with living together. Anyone who forces me to push aside my beliefs for, I would be gone. Unless you chose to, and now just decided you don't want to live with him, then that's a different story.
    When you love someone, you can tell. When you're in love with someone, everyone else can tell.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:6dc4f9a9-4e0d-4362-a57c-4b545d2d10d7">Re: Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Father of child won't marry...move on? :   5)  Can you explain your reasoning in not wanting to live together before marriage?  Obviously, if you already have a child together, this has nothing to do with sex.  So how does this make sense?  
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    <div><span style="font-size:10.9954px;" class="Apple-style-span">@shoes -  Having sex with someone and living together are two totally different things.  Just because you sleep with someone doesn't mean that you to share a household with them.  Living with someone is serious.  You are functioning as one on many levels.  You have someone to answer to and consider all the time when you live together. </span></div>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:dfee7b42-0704-4d88-8bb7-b5d38158e8fd">Re: Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Father of child won't marry...move on? : Really? REALLY. You already have two children, definitely one out-of-wedlock. I fail to see how this can truly bother you. That being said, you need to have a serious talk with your boyfriend as to why he has such an aversion to marriage. No one should have to sacrifice something that's really important to them in order to appease the other person, i.e. you shouldn't have to sacrifice your desire to get married and he shouldn't have to get married if he truly doesn't want to. If you guys cannot come to a compromise, you need to decide what is best for you and your child. No one can make that decision for you. Good luck.
    Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]
    <div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">I'm really tired of all the judgement on the women who get pregnant out of wedlock.  Many of the ladies here are sexually active. It can happen to anyone.  No birth control is 100% effective. At least the OP kept the baby.  A lot of women would not have kept a child that was conceived by accident with someone they were casually seeing.  How does her having children take away from the fact that she wants to be married?  Having a child doesn't mean you are down for anything and need to lower your standards.<div>
    </div><div>OP, I didn't really answer you question because it's a toughie.  Both of you need to have your needs met.  If he doesn't want to marry you, then you should probably move on.  You deserve to be happy.  Best of luck.  </div></div>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:d1fe8267-1211-4574-bbb2-8e26611680b5">Re: Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of child won't marry...move on? : I'm really tired of all the judgement on the women who get pregnant out of wedlock.  Many of the ladies here are sexually active. It can happen to anyone.  No birth control is 100% effective. At least the OP kept the baby.  A lot of women would not have kept a child that was conceived by accident with someone they were casually seeing.  How does her having children take away from the fact that she wants to be married?  Having a child doesn't mean you are down for anything and need to lower your standards. OP, I didn't really answer you question because it's a toughie.  Both of you need to have your needs met.  If he doesn't want to marry you, then you should probably move on.  You deserve to be happy.  Best of luck.  
    Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

    I'm not judging her for having a child out of wedlock. It's just weird that living together before marriage is something that bothers her when most people's reasoning for that is that they don't want to have pre-marital sex. If you live together before marriage, you're tempted to have sex. Not everyone gives into those urges, but many do. She already has a child with this man, ergo, she's already had pre-marital sex, so why should it bother her that they are living together?
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:6756d1ac-18b7-4d0f-8cf8-126e4f361260">Re: Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of child won't marry...move on? : I'm not judging her for having a child out of wedlock. It's just weird that living together before marriage is something that bothers her when most people's reasoning for that is that they don't want to have pre-marital sex. If you live together before marriage, you're tempted to have sex. Not everyone gives into those urges, but many do. She already has a child with this man, ergo, she's already had pre-marital sex, so why should it bother her that they are living together?
    Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]

    I agree with goldie. I think they're two totally seperate things.  Just because you've had 'pre-marital sex' doesn't mean that it's okay for that person to move in with the other person. Moving in with someone is extremely serious. You don't just decide to move in with someone after a one night stand or something. But, after meeting someone only once, some people would have sex with them. Maybe the OP just didn't want to combine everything into one household until marriage, but was okay with having sex.
    When you love someone, you can tell. When you're in love with someone, everyone else can tell.
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  • AudgiePodgeAudgiePodge member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:f3deba83-9cf2-49a3-8908-8809ff9bd7b3">Re: Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of child won't marry...move on? : I agree with goldie. I think they're two totally seperate things.  Just because you've had 'pre-marital sex' doesn't mean that it's okay for that person to move in with the other person. Moving in with someone is extremely serious. You don't just decide to move in with someone after a one night stand or something. But, after meeting someone only once, some people would have sex with them. Maybe the OP just didn't want to combine everything into one household until marriage, but was okay with having sex.
    Posted by bourgehm[/QUOTE]
    .
    If it was so extremely serious to her, I would think that she would have at least put more thought into the decision. Having this bother her every night makes me think otherwise. I also think she is fairly impulsive and doesn't think things through based on the things that she has told us.
    I'm not good at feelings.

    image
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:c0dea92a-dee2-4cd4-850e-b560709cfa84">Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm going to try to make this as short as I can given the details of our situation. Thank you for reading, I am truly tore up about this right now, and would love opinions and advice from an 'outsiders' point of view.  2008- I was in a "dating" relationship with a man and got pregnant 2 months into it. He had 3 other children, full custody of one, and joint (half & half) with the other 2. We both kind of freaked out, hormones got the best of me and I broke it off. I had 1 other child from a previous relationship as well.  Fast forward to now.....We have been back together for 4 months now. Things are good between us, and we're happy together. Our daughter is almost 3 years old now. We basically jumped into this head first and moved really quick. I was living with him within 2 weeks.......He has a demanding work schedule and works from 9am-9pm 6 days a week. I have taken on full responsibility of cleaning, cooking, taking care of his one child full time, plus my own. His other two are here for half of the week, every week, and I take care of them as well; homework, baths, washing clothes, feeding, etc. <strong>When and if I bring up marriage, he gets FURIOUS. Says he doesn't want to get married, doesn't need a "piece of paper", and that it means nothing to him. I on the other hand, believe very much in being married BEFORE living together (a lot of details on how I got here), and have pushed my beliefs aside to be here.</strong> When I try to stress to him how much it means to me, and that going to bed together every night not being married bothers me, he says that I'm "pressuring him" and trying to "force" him into something he doesn't want to do. I tell him that I understand it won't be tomorrow, and am willing to wait, but just want to know that it's a goal we're working for. He says "it's not." And that "If I ever want to put a ring on your finger, I will. Leave me alone about it, it pisses me off." <strong>On the other hand, he introduces me as his "FIANCEE"!!! Because he doesn't like the way girlfriend sounds. But then expects me NEVER to bring it up. </strong> I'm considering packing up and leaving. I feel like I'm good enough to do everything else in this house, including raising HIS children, but not good enough for him to be married to. If it's nothing to him, yet so much to me, why wouldn't he just do it? So many questions...Just looking for some advice. Thanks!
    Posted by Courtney6983[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Sounds to me like you have yourself a classic manipulator who puts on one face in public and another one in private.  He's introducing you as his fiancee because that's what <em>seems</em> right...you're living together and you have a child together, and it's easier to say "fiancee" than "girlfriend" or even "friend."  But, in reality, he's so fundamentally opposed to the idea that he won't even consider your desires to get married, and pushes back against them really hard.</div><div>
    </div><div>That said...I'd suggest you get out, as quickly as you can.  There's no way this is healthy.  Better to raise your child alone as a strong single mother than to raise her in a relationship that is at best rocky.  You're still strong enough to consider leaving, but if he continues to manipulate the situation, and you continue to let him, eventually, he may wear you down enough that you won't be able to leave.</div>
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  • edited December 2011
    The only thing I have to add to this is ... Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn have been together happily for more than 25 years and have I think 3 children between them, and they've never been married.

    Goldie Hawn once said, "We have done just perfectly without marrying...I already feel devoted and isn't that what marriage is supposed to do? So as long as my emotional state is in a state of devotion, honesty, caring and loving, then we're fine."

    image 170 Invited (holy crap!)

    image 98 are coming to party!

    image 29 have other plans

    image 43 need to respond!

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    "Bside - You're just too sexy for your own good" ~ leia1979

    "True love = I still love you even though we hang out all the time and most other people would be tired of each other already" ~ flygirlmeg
  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Courtney - From the sound of your post, I would move on. You deserve to be happy too in a relationship and it sounds like only he is getting what he needs/wants. I'd leave.

    Ignore the pre-marital sex, living together judgemental crap. Lots of women on this board live with their BFs or FIs. Lots of women on this board have had sex. Living together without the probability of marriage in the future would bother me too. I wouldn't do it if I was fairly certain the man didn't want to get married.

    Chalk it up to a near miss, pack up and get out, before your daughter gets much older and it gets harder on her. Good luck!
  • edited December 2011
    I'm with paint on this one.  I know it's a tough decision to leave, but you need to do what is best for you and your child.  Lots of Luck!
  • AzorayAzoray member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I've seen many women in situations where they try to pressure their man into marrying them for a variety of reasons... it never turns out well... if a wedding does take place, she is always doubting if he's marrying her because he WANTED to or because he felt backed into a corner.  if he does marry her, he's left with feelings of resentment.

    read the following link...  it's one guy's opinion but i personally do find a lot of what he has to say to be true... i also noticed that any guys that happened to comment agree with him, it seemed only women disagreed... interesting since he's speaking from a MAN'S perspectvie...

    http://www.datingish.com/737670547/10-reasons-you-dont-have-a-ring/
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Courtney, I just want to add a couple things:

    It isn't that marriage means nothing to him, but that he vehemently refuses to partake in it. He's given you his answer; you can only control how you respond to it. It sounds as if not getting married means about as much to him as getting married means to you. There's no compromise for that. You can't force him to get married, the same way he can't force you to stay unmarried (and remain happy).

    No one here can tell you why he won't marry you, he has his own personal reasons. But he's given you an answer.

    And IMHO, I don't think you should settle on something like this. But as PP suggested, at the very least, move out and take some time to think things through.

  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:d19e1af2-a21d-4d2c-8973-ca0c439338fd">Re: Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Think about it this way:<strong> if your daughter was a grown woman in this situation, what decision would you want HER to make? She may be young, but she's learning from you every day. Make a decision you can be proud of.</strong> I won't say what I think I would do, because I have never been in your situation. However, I'm a firm believer that your relationship with your partner is an incredibly important foundation in your family. Your child(ren) will suffer if their parents (even step-parents) have an unhealthy or hostile relationship. Whoever you choose to spend your life with, you should be happy with them and be able to communicate your needs, understand theirs, and work TOGETHER toward common goals. If talking to each other won't work, consider couples counseling to help you resolve this issue... whether that ends up in you staying or going. When kids are involved, these big relationship problems can be damaging if left unresolved.
    Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>THIS is the single best piece of advice you've been given in this thread.</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div>
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:6756d1ac-18b7-4d0f-8cf8-126e4f361260">Re: Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of child won't marry...move on? : I'm not judging her for having a child out of wedlock. It's just weird that living together before marriage is something that bothers her when most people's reasoning for that is that they don't want to have pre-marital sex. If you live together before marriage, you're tempted to have sex. Not everyone gives into those urges, but many do. She already has a child with this man, ergo, she's already had pre-marital sex, so why should it bother her that they are living together?
    Posted by GreenPepperBurger[/QUOTE]
    Living together has nothing to do with sex.  Some people live together, but don't have sex.  Others live apart and have sex.  As I said in my post to Shoes, living together is about becoming one household.  You lean on that person.  Together you create a home.  That person becomes a consideration with making most of your decisions.  Living together means seeing each other on the good days and the bad days.  It's serious $hit.  <div>
    </div><div>Many women don't want to live with a man unless they know they are getting married (or until they are already married)</div><div>
    </div><div>And you did come across as judgmental with the "really?  REALLY? "part.    As if how dare she have standards because she has at least one child out of wedlock. How dare she be bothered by living together as an unwed woman with no prospects of marriage?   </div><div>
    </div><div>You are certainly not the only one on this board who has done this.  Does anyone else remember some of the cruel things that people said to Cate's BF?  Yes, it was fake, but the comments were still out of line.  <span style="font-size:11.1111px;" class="Apple-style-span">Not every unwed mother is an idiot who doesn't know how to use birth control. </span></div><div>
    </div><div>I need to walk away from this thread because it's really upsetting me.</div><div>
    </div><div>To the OP, I wish you the best.  You and your children deserve someone who will love you and make you happy.  </div>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_father-of-child-wont-marrymove?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:d24342ef-5075-446f-ae39-24f66e7977cbPost:7a54d52d-6d89-404c-9f58-7f86b64f86af">Re: Father of child won't marry...move on?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Father of child won't marry...move on? : Living together has nothing to do with sex.  Some people live together, but don't have sex.  Others live apart and have sex.  As I said in my post to Shoes, living together is about becoming one household.  You lean on that person.  Together you create a home.  That person becomes a consideration with making most of your decisions.  Living together means seeing each other on the good days and the bad days.  It's serious $hit.   Many women don't want to live with a man unless they know they are getting married (or until they are already married) <strong>And you did come across as judgmental with the "really?  REALLY? "part.  </strong>  As if how dare she have standards because she has at least one child out of wedlock. How dare she be bothered by living together as an unwed woman with no prospects of marriage?    You are certainly not the only one on this board who has done this.  Does anyone else remember some of the cruel things that people said to Cate's BF?  Yes, it was fake, but the comments were still out of line.   Not every unwed mother is an idiot who doesn't know how to use birth control.  I need to walk away from this thread because it's really upsetting me. To the OP, I wish you the best.  You and your children deserve someone who will love you and make you happy.  
    Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

    I understand where you're coming from, but to me, the OP sounded very naive about the prospect of living together - like, that means that they could get married right.this.second because now they're living together, and she's all upset because he doesn't want to get married.

    ETA: Perhaps they should have discussed the propsect of marriage BEFORE moving in together.
  • Blue & WhiteBlue & White member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I think you need to talk to your boyfriend...and not in the "I'm doing all this wife-y stuff, so we should be married" way, but rather in the "how do you see our future working out?"

    Marriage seems a little fast at 4 months even though you have multiple kids tied into the mix, but that's just me.  I move slowly.
    I guess, to tell you the truth, I've never had much of a desire to grow facial hair. I think I've managed to play quarterback just fine without a mustache. - Peyton
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