Name Change Controversy

ebh2 · June 2012

My fiance and I are only about a month away from our wedding. Everything has been going well, and we're both very excited, except for one persistent issue - our last names. I decided I did not want to change my last name and he is very hurt by it. He thinks it is romantic, and says it is something he looked forward to from the time he was young. But although we had long arguments about it, he ultimately said I should do what was best for me, and I decided to keep me name - both because I'm very uncomfortable with the sexism of the tradition and also because I work in an artistic field and already have published work out there under my current name. He has been consistently sad about it since then, but hasn't tried to change my mind.

But recently he told his parents about my decision and they got in a huge fight with him about it. They immigrated to the U.S. and come from a much more traditional culture, and they think I'm being disrespectful by not taking his name. My family and social circle is pretty progressive and it's not unusual for a woman to keep her last name, but for them it is largely unheard of. They also got into the issue of what we would name our future kids, and told my fiance it would be a disgrace if any future kids did not have only their last name (we had talked about maybe hyphenating, but thought we would decided in the future when the issue actually came up). Now my fiance is upset all over again, and he's been arguing with me a lot about future children's names. He's getting flack not just from family, but also from friends (people tell him he's whipped and needs to put his foot down), and constantly has to defend my decision even thought he doesn't actually agree with it! Has anyone else come up against this issue? I feel guilty that it's causing so many problems for him and conflict with his family, but I also want to be true to myself in this decision. There's so little time left before the wedding that I would rather move past this issue so we can just focus on getting ready and being excited. Help!

HobokensFury · June 2012

Is it possible for you both to compromise and you add his last name to yours. Like Julie Smith Brown or hyphenate? You don't have to change your last name but it seems like it causing you and him stress so maybe a compromise is in order. I grew up with a different last name than my mom and always hated it so I promised I would never do that to my children. So I changed mine to his.

jmp2004 · June 2012

I second PP with taking his same only socially. And with you being known professionally by your maiden name, I would definitely think you should hold onto it. Or, possibly, take his name but continue to work and publish under your maiden name? There is also a the idea of taking your maiden name as your middle and his as your last name.

I wish I could provide more insight, but I'm really excited about changing to my FI's name. Hope you get things firgured out.

smmessinger · June 2012

I will take my husbands last name. What if you hypenate your last name? If you have children then they can carry the name of you and your fi's family?

ElisabethJoanne · June 2012

I'm in the minority, but I always see the name-change issue as a matter of women's equality. If you and your future husband are equals, the name change debate should be equally on him. That means he needs to at least consider the possibility of changing his name, or consider how he would feel if you and your parents were pressuring him to change his name. There's no good reason this should just be a woman's decision or task.

Your fiance needs to learn to say, "She is keeping her name. It is her name, so of course it's her decision. I respect and support her in her decision." Then there's no more discussion.

As to children's names, that's a factor YOU can consider in YOUR decision, but it's not an issue you need to resolve now, and you can say as much when people bring it up.

OwningAHome1981 · June 2012

It's not your really your fiance's decision- it's YOUR name.

j-harvey · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:09111da9-2d17-4bf8-997e-b938080c63b3">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm in the minority, but I always see the name-change issue as a matter of women's equality. If you and your future husband are equals, the name change debate should be equally on him. That means he needs to at least consider the possibility of changing his name, or consider how he would feel if you and your parents were pressuring him to change his name. There's no good reason this should just be a woman's decision or task. Your fiance needs to learn to say, "She is keeping her name. It is her name, so of course it's her decision. I respect and support her in her decision." Then there's no more discussion. As to children's names, that's a factor YOU can consider in YOUR decision, but it's not an issue you need to resolve now, and you can say as much when people bring it up.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]
This. It's an equality issue. What is he going to do when his parents think it's their business how you two divide household responsibilities or whether you work outside the home?
Regarding kids, you can answer politely that you'll address that issue when you have kids or answer impolitely that you'll ask them to tell you how to name your children when you have kids.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · June 2012

So are you thinking about hyphenating the children's names? I would actually come to a conclusion about that now, since it seems like this is just something that's going to blow up later if you push it off. (FWIW, I compromised with my husband and we decided to give our children his last name, with my last name as a second middle.)

However, I'm of the opinion that changing your middle name to your maiden and then taking his last name is STILL CHANGING YOUR LAST NAME and not a compromise at all. So don't think you have to do that.

Also, it's nice that he always pictured finding his "Mrs. Smith" when he was a boy, but he's going to have to face reality - he found YOU. You are his perfect spouse, but it just so happens you won't technically be Mrs. Smith. No, you shouldn't have to compromise with him over his own name. You can asknowledge his disappointment, then move on.

ebh2 · June 2012

Thanks so much for all the reponses! I am one of the first in my group of friends/family to get married, so it's nice to have others to discuss these things with. It seems like everyone figures out what is best for them, and hopefully we'll do the same.

blush64 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:a66cfb7a-5343-4db9-8e53-912360ad47b4">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it possible for you both to compromise and you add his last name to yours. Like Julie Smith Brown or hyphenate? You don't have to change your last name but it seems like it causing you and him stress so maybe a compromise is in order. I grew up with a different last name than my mom and always hated it so I promised I would never do that to my children. So I changed mine to his.
Posted by HobokenBride2012[/QUOTE]

I don't see this as a really fair compromise. Why should women be compromising on giving up their name, the name they want to keep. A compromise might be both people taking a different name.

IF you want to keep your name you should keep it. If you want your children to have a hypehnated name then give them that name. If his family is not ok with this he needs to stand up to them and let them know this is the way it is. If his friends are giving him a hard time he needs to stand up to them. Why should the two of you have to bend what you want to make other people happy?

There is nothing wrong with a woman keeping her name and there is nothing wimpy about a man who is ok with it. IT's really no one's business and if you let them in on this decision what happens when you have kids? What happends when you try to do something else they consider wrong?

Simply Fated · June 2012

In Response to Re:Name Change Controversy:[QUOTE]I do have to point out to those who say "my degrees are in my name" that you can actually have your name changed on your degree. If you don't want to change your name, more power to ya, but that reasoning is bogus. Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

I've always wondered about this. Many women get college degrees, but aren't yet married. I always assumed that changing your name didn't unvalidate your degree, but there is always that excuse used.

It's just another excuse or reason. You don't have to give US excuses or list reasons, nor do you need to explain yourself to your futureinlaws or friends. It's your name, your choice. Keep it, change it, hyphenate it, but please dont let anyone else bully your FI into feeling resentful or something.

daria24 · June 2012

I'm not changing my name. I'm not going by Mrs. Hislastname socially. If someone calls me Mrs. HisLastName, I correct them politely.

I feel that a name change is one the things you don't have to compromise on. Your childrens' names, absolutely. But your name-it is yours, you do what you want. He can spell out his arguments, you consider them, but ultimately it's your choice what you are called.

He may not like it, and it sucks that his family won't shut up about it, but whatever your reasons are for keeping your maiden name, he has to support your decision. And he needs to tell his family it's not up for discussion.

DramaGeek · June 2012

Your story is identical to mine, only my ILs are American-born fundamental Christians rather than immigrants. But, the attitude is still the same.

I caved and did what many PPs suggested and became Drama Geek MaidenLast MarriedLast. MaidenLast MarriedLast was my last name, with a space instead of a hyphen. I didn't want to do it, but it seemed easier than dealing with the ILs and it was WAY better than dropping my last name all together.

Let me tell you, it's a pain in the ass. People don't know how to handle hyphenated or two word last names. Some places would file me as MarriedLast, Drama MaidenLast. Some had it correct - MaidenLast MarriedLast, Drama. Some would drop one name or the other without asking. People assumed that, even though I introduced myself as Drama Maiden Married, they could just call me Drama Married. I hated it. I never should have caved.

I never actually changed my name legally, and slowly started dropping H's name from mine. It was just a lot easier and more convenient. He kept telling me to change it back, so one day we had a conversation about it and I realized he was serious, so I did. I have not regretted it for one minute.

All of that to say - don't cave. Do what you feel you need to do.

Miliska · June 2012

It's your name so ultimately it's YOUR decision! If you want to keep your maiden name after you get married for various reasons, it's your choice. It's sad that it might make some people around you inconfortable as they might not understand it, but, once again, it's your decision.

And what is the fuss about children taking their dad's name while the mom kept her maiden name? Once again, it might simply be a perspective question. Where I come from, Québec, all woman must keep their maiden after they get married (it's the law). Most children get their dad's name, but some parents decide to give their both names. And nobody has a thing to say about it because it's nobody's business but the parents'.

Simply Fated · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:884b585c-c13f-4b09-acaa-aed57af98fe9">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]It's your name so ultimately it's YOUR decision! If you want to keep your maiden name after you get married for various reasons, it's your choice. It's sad that it might make some people around you inconfortable as they might not understand it, but, once again, it's your decision. And what is the fuss about children taking their dad's name while the mom kept her maiden name? Once again, it might simply be a perspective question. Where I come from, Québec, all woman must keep their maiden after they get married (it's the law). Most children get their dad's name, but some parents decide to give their both names. And nobody has a thing to say about it because it's nobody's business but the parents'.
Posted by Miliska[/QUOTE]
Really? Are they allowed to change their names for any other reason?

DramaGeek · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:84a1675a-47e8-42c8-aaf3-ff156806d070">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Name Change Controversy : Really? Are they allowed to change their names for any other reason?
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

<div>I just looked it up because I found it interesting. Apparently it was done to promote gender equality. Women must legally keep their family name after marriage and use that name for all legal purposes but may take their husband's name socially.</div>

Simply Fated · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:8fb28ffa-cae5-4936-a6ce-4283b4ddb47f">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Name Change Controversy : I just looked it up because I found it interesting. Apparently it was done to promote gender equality. Women must legally keep their family name after marriage and use that name for all legal purposes but may take their husband's name socially.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]
I think it's an unnecesary rule. I'm all for gender equality, but it's just a name. And it's not even my first name lol.
Women can't change their names at all after marriage? Can the men? What if they both want to change their names? I'm fascinated by this!

kmmssg · June 2012

I think you guys need to decide on the how your children will be named NOW. Once you are pregnant his parents will be beyond relentless about it. Make the decision now so they can swallow the pill if need be.

My SIL gave both of her boys her maiden name as their middle name. She wanted to change her name when she married BIL but she didn't want to lose her maiden name either. She goes by firstname maidenname lastname. That was her comfort zone and BIL was very supportive. They saw the quality of the relationship/marriage as the number one priority, not what the last name would be. They have been married for 25 or so years.

I would try to hammer this out now and your FI needs to deal with his parents on your behalf. It is nice that they are so demanding of their culture, but what about yours?

ebh2 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:0219edac-25ba-4e92-9e87-286de7e5b4af">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]Your story is identical to mine, only my ILs are American-born fundamental Christians rather than immigrants. But, the attitude is still the same. I caved and did what many PPs suggested and became Drama Geek MaidenLast MarriedLast. MaidenLast MarriedLast was my last name, with a space instead of a hyphen. I didn't want to do it, but it seemed easier than dealing with the ILs and it was WAY better than dropping my last name all together. Let me tell you, it's a pain in the ass. People don't know how to handle hyphenated or two word last names. Some places would file me as MarriedLast, Drama MaidenLast. Some had it correct - MaidenLast MarriedLast, Drama. Some would drop one name or the other without asking. People assumed that, even though I introduced myself as Drama Maiden Married, they could just call me Drama Married. I hated it. I never should have caved. I never actually changed my name legally, and slowly started dropping H's name from mine. It was just a lot easier and more convenient. He kept telling me to change it back, so one day we had a conversation about it and I realized he was serious, so I did. I have not regretted it for one minute. All of that to say - don't cave. Do what you feel you need to do.
Posted by DramaGeek[/QUOTE]

It's nice to know that I'm not the only one who's gone through this! I am not going to cave about my own last name - that decision is made, and my fiance is standing by me on it. But I am considering giving our kids his last name. It's not my preference, but it's important to my fiance and I could live with it. I am a very idealistic person and he already gives in to me on most things, so I feel like I could do this one thing for him.

Helsy85 · June 2012

My Cousin and his wife both took each others last names, so they are Mr Hername-hisname and Mrs Hername-Hisname which i thought was a clever compromise.

heylady87 · June 2012

Helsy said what I was going to say. You BOTH change your name, then it's equal, right?

Miliska · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:6b50ab1d-54b8-4226-853a-69097596ec44">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Name Change Controversy : I think it's an unnecesary rule. I'm all for gender equality, but it's just a name. And it's not even my first name lol. <strong>Women can't change their names at all after marriage? Can the men? What if they both want to change their names? I'm fascinated by this!
</strong>Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

It's actually a very interesting law and I'm personally proud of it. It actually says that BOTH spouses must keep their names after they get married, and use it in public live (meaning that if it's your personal fancy that your family and friends call you Mrs. Husband, good for you, but you can't change your name at work, in official papers and such).

Annas2013 · June 2012

I mean it's your name. Do what you want. But you need to go ahead and decide about your children's future names now so that you don't wait and have it blow up into a huge argument later when you do have kids. Also it would be nice if you would find a compromise that would make both of you happy.

This is coming from a woman who never once considered keeping her last name. I would also never hyphenate. When I get married I'll become Mrs. Firstname maidenname lastname. But to each their own. Just find something that will make you and your FI happy.

Simply Fated · June 2012

"My family and social circle is pretty progressive and it's not unusual for a woman to keep her last name,"

I wonder if you had decided to change your last name if you'd have the same problem, just in reverse. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

PJSPJS · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:a66cfb7a-5343-4db9-8e53-912360ad47b4">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it possible for you both to compromise and you add his last name to yours. Like Julie Smith Brown or hyphenate? You don't have to change your last name but it seems like it causing you and him stress so maybe a compromise is in order. I grew up with a different last name than my mom and always hated it so I promised I would never do that to my children. So I changed mine to his.
Posted by HobokenBride2012[/QUOTE]

This.

dancingphalanges · June 2012

I am planning to change my name to my FI's once we get married, but it is only because my last name is that of a father that skipped out on my family. If I had the same last name as my dad (stepfather), I would be keeping it. It's your name and you have to live with it, file taxes with it, get your mail with it. The decision is up to you.

jenajjthr · June 2012

First marriage I dropped my maiden like it was radioactive. I have a bio dad, adopted dad, and stepdad. Biodad gave up his rights to me when mom married adopted dad. Adopted dad turned out to be a pedophile. So yeah, didn't want that name anymore.

Many years later I divorced hubby and kept married name, see reason above and we had kids. I still wanted to have their name.

Before I got remarried I debated long and hard about what to do. I very much wanted to keep the same name as my kiddos but didn't know how to bring it up to future hubby. When he asked me "So are you hyphenating your name so you and the kiddos have the same name?" and was very much okay with that I knew I had found the greatest guy ever. It is a connection that was important to me and to my little ones (they requested it as well).

I agree with PP's keep your last name if it means that much to you. If FI keeps throwing a fit ask him to consider what he wants you to do, give up his name and change it to yours.

The best thing I've ever seen of two people coming together to create one new life together is both changing names and hypenating. His-Hers or Hers-His. My friend and his wife chose Hers-His because it verbally flowed better that way.

Lisa50 · June 2012

I think you have a gem ... he's defending your decision against some pretty narrow-minded friends and family. Good for him and good for you!

Meghannsix · June 2012

I agree that it's your name and therefor your decision, so I'm not touching that one.

I would like to add my two cents about giving kids hyphenated names. What happens when they want to marry someone else with a hyphenated name? These poor people have four last names between the two of them to figure out which to use, because no one could make a decision, and everyone wanted to be equal. Sounds like a clusterf*ck to me. I'm taking my Fi's name, it does not make me any less a person than I was when I was single, I'm doing it more because we're a partnership, a team.

Annas2013 · June 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_name-change-controversy?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:647db20d-feb7-420e-8bac-68f328c18091Post:bc8fb79d-03d3-4dfd-971c-bc2a405885fd">Re: Name Change Controversy</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree that it's your name and therefor your decision, so I'm not touching that one. I would like to add my two cents about giving kids hyphenated names. What happens when they want to marry someone else with a hyphenated name? These poor people have four last names between the two of them to figure out which to use, because no one could make a decision, and everyone wanted to be equal. Sounds like a clusterf*ck to me. I'm taking my Fi's name, it does not make me any less a person than I was when I was single, I'm doing it more because we're a partnership, a team.
Posted by Meghannsix[/QUOTE]

<div>This. I feel like hyphenating makes it hard on kids when they decide to get married one day. Then what the crap do they do? Especially since they can't hyphenate 3 names together if they don't want to give up their last name.</div><div>
<div>
</div></div>

JaxInBlue · June 2012

Have you thought about making his last name your middle name? (Especially if you are not as emotionally attached to your middle name as your list or last names.) I'm a Firstname Maidenname DHLastname - but that was what felt most comfortable to me and worked for us; I use all three professionally and all three or only First DHLast depending on which part of our social circle we are with. But again, this is what worked for us. You need to do what feels best for you but I also think it's important to hear why changing your name is important to him and at least recognize his position, regardless of what you do. DH really wanted me to take his last name but he never made it an issue; still, it was important for me to know how he felt and factor that into my decision with how my family felt, my professional position and how I felt.

I agree with PP that you need to start discussing what any potential kids would be now. Hyphenated last names can be frustrating (I had once for a while) and aren't handled in a uniform way. But so can having a different last name than your children. You (as a couple) need to at least be on the same page about what the options will be so that you'll both know if this is any sort of dealbreaker.

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