BM telling friends they're not invited

richalex · January 2010

So my best friend & bridesmaid has told some common friends of ours that they aren't invited to my wedding & now they are upset. The thing is, I had these people on a "B" list & intended to invite them to the ceremony & other events & hopefully, the reception. My fiance & I have put some friends & distant family on a 2nd list (something I read was ok to do) so we can accomodate family since we have a small budget to work with. I talked to BM & told her she should have let me deal with those friends the way I wanted to. I don't think she should have acted without getting the facts from me or without my knowing. She wasn't apologetic and says if I had them on a B list then that means I don't care about them anyway. That is NOT how I feel about it though. Now if I talk to them I feel like they will think I'm inviting them out of guilt. Or I fear it will cause more tension.

I'm not sure what to do. Any advice?

Mrs.B6302007 · January 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-telling-friends-theyre-not-invited?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c1c5e0d1-13c3-4e58-9523-4b8d31dd667dPost:33ecc701-b9e0-4504-88c8-66c5cbec1a33">BM telling friends they're not invited</a>:
[QUOTE]So my best friend & bridesmaid has told some common friends of ours that they aren't invited to my wedding & now they are upset. The thing is, I had these people on a "B" list & intended to invite them to the ceremony & other events & hopefully, the reception. My fiance & I have put some friends & distant family on a 2nd list (something I read was ok to do) so we can accomodate family since we have a small budget to work with. I talked to BM & told her she should have let me deal with those friends the way I wanted to. I don't think she should have acted without getting the facts from me or without my knowing. She wasn't apologetic and says if I had them on a B list then that means I don't care about them anyway. That is NOT how I feel about it though. Now if I talk to them I feel like they will think I'm inviting them out of guilt. Or I fear it will cause more tension. I'm not sure what to do. Any advice?
Posted by richalex[/QUOTE]

Why in the world did she do that? I wouldn't share any more guest list details with her. Your wedding isn't until June so the cart's ahead of the horse here. Should it come up in conversation your answer coudl be "Our guest list isn't finalized yet."

aerinpegadrak · January 2010

Yeah, she definitely had no right to do that, and I think you shouldn't really tell her any other details about your guest list.

However, anyone who is invited to the ceremony needs to be invited to the reception as well, and guests at any pre-wedding events also need to be on the wedding guest list.

Unfortunately, your friend revealed the inherent problem with the B-list: anyone who finds out that they were second-string is going to be hurt, and there's really nothing you can do to make it right.

SarahPLiz · January 2010

I think that you need to tell those people that the guest list is not finalized, and that your BM had no right to speak about it, as it is not her guest list. If they aren't going to be invited, the standard answer to them is "we are having a very small family only ceremony and could not invite everyone we wanted to" or somehting like that.
THen, you need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your BM. The guest list is none of her damn business. And since when is it ok to tell people that you don't care about them? That is just horrible. Why is this person your friend, again?? Is she a 12 year old and in her mean-girl stage?

And yes, PPs are right, if you invite them to pre-wedding events, then you have to invite them to the ceremony. The reception is a thank-you to your ceremony witnesses, so if they come to the ceremony, they have to be invited to the reception as guests.

banana468 · January 2010

I think you need to tell her that while you appreciate it if she was trying to help, she needs to stay out of the guest list entirely unless she's needing it for a pre-wedding event. Beyond that, she's now put you in the position of having to talk to people and explain things due to her actions.

FWIW though, there were some troubling things based on your post:

1) So my best friend & bridesmaid has told some common friends of ours that they aren't invited to my wedding & now they are upset. The thing is, I had these people on a "B" list

Please don't use the B list for mutual friends. This is where things get really tricky. If you're going to B list, use it for an entire group like coworkers or college friends. When you split people in the group into the A list and others into the B list, the group will talk and realize that some didn't make the first cut. Doing the A/B list can work, but not the initial way you're proposing.

2) The thing is, I had these people on a "B" list & intended to invite them to the ceremony & other events & hopefully, the reception.

Oh PLEASE DO NOT DO THIS!! This is just not appropriate and goes against proper etiquette for several reasons:
A) Those invited to the ceremony MUST be invited to the entire reception. To send a mailed invitation to the ceremony only where you don't intend to provide the guest with any form of refreshment isn't acceptable and it can come across as greedy. That brings me to:

Aside from the rule that proper etiquette holds that you don't throw yourself any pre-wedding parties, it's not OK to invite people to pre-wedding events and not to the wedding ceremony and reception. Again, to do this comes across as rather greedy and it can truly rub your friends and family the wrong way.

While your friend was inappropriate in her actions, is it possible that she's trying to get a point across to you on what is and isn't appropriate in terms of how to host your wedding? She wasn't being nice at all, but I have to wonder if she's being passive-aggresive in trying to get you to understand what proper etiquette in this situation is.

When you do talk to the friends, I'd just say, "I'm not sure why she said that since the guest list wasn't finalized."

trix1223 · January 2010

Read Banana's answer. Then read it again. Because she is very, very smart and her suggestions are perfect.

MyNameIsNot · January 2010

This friend clearly overstepped her bounds, and you should speak with these friends and say "BM misunderstood. I told her that we were still working out a budget and guest list and weren't sure whether we were going to be able to invite many friends due to our large families."

Then everything that PPs said. B lists can be done, but you have to be very careful, as people should never know that there was a B list or that they are on it. The only way to get away with it is to put a whole group that doesn't know the rest of your guests and to get the timing just perfect. Invites go out 6-8 weeks in advance, and people know this. If they get their invitation really early or late, they will know what's up.

Also, you cannot invite people and not invite them to the whole thing. If you get a ceremony invite, you must be invited to the entire reception. Leaving people out of a portion of or all of the reception is incredibly rude.

bablingbrooke · January 2010

"I'm sorry, I don't know why Jane would have told you that since we haven't even started our guest list yet!"

Not inviting people to the wedding/reception but inviting them to showers/bach parties is a bigger no-no than your friend blabbing about them being on the B list. And ditto Banana that such a list should be reserved for a whole block of people. AND you tell NO ONE that you have a B list. As you've noticed, such things can leak out pretty easily.

mbcdefg · January 2010

Ditto Banana, 100%.

Your friend was wrong to speak out of turn, but your guest list plan is also quite rude. Your BM needs to STFU and you need to come up with a new plan on how to politely invite people to everything. It's either all or nothing ... parties, ceremony and reception (it's O.K. not to invite them to the parties, but if you DO invite them to the parties then they NEED to be invited to both the ceremony and the reception); or do not invite them to anything at all. Period.

richalex · January 2010

Thanks for the replies & straightening me out on the A/B list & invitation etiquette. It's truly & greatly appreciated!!

mrsamyjones · January 2010

I only have one other thing to add since I am planning a bi-cultural wedding and in some cultures it's perfectly ok to invite people to the ceremony and not the reception so whatever american ettiquette dictates there are always exceptions to the rule

banana468 · January 2010

If you're inviting people who follow American etiquette, you need to stick to it though.

If a friend of mine from another culture said, "No it's OK to do this," and she was doing it to ME, then she's not respecting MY culture by doing that.

emilyinchile · January 2010

Ditto Banana. FI is Chilean, we're getting married here, and it's totally fine to invite people to just the party after dinner (wedding's go til 5am). I think it's SO rude, but we're doing it with about 15 people (10% of the guest list) who we would otherwise just not invite due to costs because they won't be at all offended and instead will be happy to be invited to a free party. I'm in this culture, so it's on my to adapt to it.

But I would never in a million years try to pull that crap on my friends in the US just because "that's FI's culture".

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