Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences

SueO63 · August 2012

I need to feedback!

As the Groom's Family we were planning to paying for the things mentioned on The Knot.

The Bride's Family wants to know how much more we are contributing to the wedding cost. That is huge burden for us. I am not sure how to explain it to the Bride's parents.

Am I just wrong not contributing more to the wedding?

I need help!!! I am so torn up about what to do. I do not want to embarrass my son or upset my future daughter in law.

ElleB87 · August 2012

You're not obligated to pay for the wedding and neither is the bride's family. If you want to contribute, that's great, you give what you can afford. Anything over that amount is the bride and groom's responsibility. It's wrong of the bride's family to ask what you're contributing or whether you can contribute any more.

If wedding costs have gotten out of control you need to sit the bride and groom down and talk to them like adults, since that's what they are. You need to tell them what your max amount of money is and they need to fill in any potential gap themselves or scale things back. You don't need to say you're going to pay for specific things, you can just give X dollars and they can spend it how they see fit.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

You are not the one out of line here, the bride's family is. You are not obligated to pay for a single thing for the wedding. The responsibility for that is on the B&G and nobody else. If parents wish to contribute, that is a gift. Do not put yourselves in a financially stressed position. At the end of the day, this is a ceremony with a party following.

jemmini6 · August 2012

Why is your son and his FI not paying for any of this? THEY are the ones getting married, yes? It's very generous if you want to contribute, but you are under absolutely ZERO obligation to. They are grown adults and if you don't want to, or can't pay for these things, then they should respect that and pay for it themselves.

Also something to keep in mind, if you are paying, YOU get the final say for these things. So the RD that they seem to be forcing you to host? Yeah...the guest list and location is 100% up to you, you do NOT have to invite their OOT guests.

SueO63 · August 2012

The Bride and Groom are contributing at least $10,000 toward the wedding. Our family only have at the most 45 people coming to the wedding and they are thinking 200 right now. As I think I said before, we are plain folk. Our family weddings usually cost $15,000 or less for everything. We are very causal but the weddings are always very nice and beautiful.

ElleB87 · August 2012

Then the Bride and Groom need to scale back their plans to fit their budget. Again, like myself and PP's have said - the financial responsibility for this wedding belongs to the couple getting married. Not you and not the bride's family. If you WANT to contribute, give what you can afford and not a penny more. Your son is a grown man who can stand on his own two feet and either post pone plans until they can afford the wedding he wants or he can work with the budget he has. Don't stretch yourself thin for this.

ElleB87 · August 2012

Also, you can have a beautiful wedding on any budget. You don't need tens of thousands of dollars to have a nice wedding.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-family-part-of-wedding-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:671aca52-d1e5-4ace-9c37-b86b0a6478dfPost:9d01b725-e70f-4032-9085-21ca15a4c359">Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences</a>:
[QUOTE]The Bride and Groom are contributing at least $10,000 toward the wedding. Our family only have at the most 45 people coming to the wedding and they are thinking 200 right now. As I think I said before, we are plain folk. Our family weddings usually cost $15,000 or less for everything. We are very causal but the weddings are always very nice and beautiful.
Posted by SueO63[/QUOTE]

Then they need to plan a wedding within that $10,000 + what you and the bride's parents are contributing.

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

The bride and groom need to make their plans fit into the budget. So if they bring $10,000 and you and the bride's family have a set number you want to contribute, that's the budget they work in. You do not have to pay for anything at all for their wedding, and it is extremely generous you want to help out at all. The bride's family is out of line here.

SueO63 · August 2012

The problem is my son totally gets it and has put his foot down on several things already. The Bride's Parents are the ones out of control! They have very expensive taste and want to make sure their little girl has the best of everything.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-family-part-of-wedding-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:671aca52-d1e5-4ace-9c37-b86b0a6478dfPost:188250dd-3036-4d5a-b8bf-4e9769907f7d">Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences</a>:
[QUOTE]The problem is my son totally gets it and has put his foot down on several things already. The Bride's Parents are the ones out of control! They have very expensive taste and want to make sure their little girl has the best of everything.
Posted by SueO63[/QUOTE]

Then your soon to be daughter in law needs to have a sit down with her parents. It should have never been your son's job to "put his foot down." They two of them need to get on the same page and she needs to deal with this. If she is unable to do this, then I'm sorry to say, your son is probably going to have a rough marriage because interference does not stop at the wedding. All you can do is stick to your guns and tell them in no uncertain words that what you have contributed is all that you will be contributing.

ElleB87 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-family-part-of-wedding-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:671aca52-d1e5-4ace-9c37-b86b0a6478dfPost:9dea8419-8df7-4d76-b3fc-e6435321573b">Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences : Then your soon to be daughter in law needs to have a sit down with her parents. It should have never been your son's job to "put his foot down." They two of them need to get on the same page and she needs to deal with this. If she is unable to do this, then I'm sorry to say, your son is probably going to have a rough marriage because interference does not stop at the wedding. All you can do is stick to your guns and tell them in no uncertain words that what you have contributed is all that you will be contributing.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Co-signed.

Summer2011Bride · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-family-part-of-wedding-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:671aca52-d1e5-4ace-9c37-b86b0a6478dfPost:188250dd-3036-4d5a-b8bf-4e9769907f7d">Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences</a>:
[QUOTE]The problem is my son totally gets it and has put his foot down on several things already. The Bride's Parents are the ones out of control! They have very expensive taste and want to make sure their little girl has the best of everything.
Posted by SueO63[/QUOTE]

In addition to what GLB said in response to this, if they want a super expensive wedding great. Then they can foot the bill for all of it!

jemmini6 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-family-part-of-wedding-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:671aca52-d1e5-4ace-9c37-b86b0a6478dfPost:c0d67e1a-dcc7-4ec7-8c16-6163fa29b50d">Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences : In addition to what GLB said in response to this, if they want a super expensive wedding great. Then they can foot the bill for all of it!
Posted by Summer2011Bride[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto. Her parents (and by extension her and your son since they are allowing them to ask this of you) are EXTREMELY out of line to even ask you to contribute anything, but especially beyond what you have already offered.</div><div>
</div><div>Tell your son the amount you are comfortable with (even if that's zero), and tell him that he and his FI can deal with her parents, but you will not, under any circumstances, be bullied by anyone into paying more than you WANT to.</div>

AdeleDazeem · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-family-part-of-wedding-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:671aca52-d1e5-4ace-9c37-b86b0a6478dfPost:45b7ea51-9ec4-48c5-b780-785f56770981">Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences</a>:
[QUOTE] Tell your son the amount you are comfortable with (even if that's zero), and tell him that he and his FI can deal with her parents, but you will not, under any circumstances, be bullied by anyone into paying more than you WANT to.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

This. Read it. Read it again.

I'm actually embarassed for your future daughter in law and her parents - they are so out of line.

fallbride1109 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-family-part-of-wedding-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:671aca52-d1e5-4ace-9c37-b86b0a6478dfPost:188250dd-3036-4d5a-b8bf-4e9769907f7d">Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences</a>:
[QUOTE]The problem is my son totally gets it and has put his foot down on several things already. The Bride's Parents are the ones out of control! <strong>They have very expensive taste and want to make sure their little girl has the best of everything.
</strong>Posted by SueO63[/QUOTE]

Then let them pay for it. You've been given good advice here and I would take it.

sweetredhead · August 2012

It sounds like your son understands and respects your situation. Allow yourself to let go of any guilt the bride's family has placed on you. You dealing with an illness for 3 years means that you really need to take care of yourself and not have all this stress on you. Your son already appreciates what you have contributed. Take a deep breath and accept that the bride's family is out of line and the kids needs to cover their own expense at this point.

emeejeeayen · August 2012

I think the issue here sounds like the bride's parents are putting pressure on everyone. I think it may come to having a conversation with them rather than the bride and groom that you can afford XYZ and no more.

AdeleDazeem · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-family-part-of-wedding-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:671aca52-d1e5-4ace-9c37-b86b0a6478dfPost:e20d0fd9-7953-4ffd-a375-3f6b88a545ad">Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the issue here sounds like the bride's parents are putting pressure on everyone. I think it may come to having a conversation with them rather than the bride and groom that you can afford XYZ and no more.
Posted by emeejeeayen[/QUOTE]

The bride and groom should speak with the brides's parents. The groom's parents have no obligation to speak with them, fund their desires, or cave into the requests.

Again, OP - this girl and her parents should be supremely embarassed by their behavior. I can't imagine treating my in laws this way and my own parents would have died of mortification long before the words "The groom's parents need to pay more!" came out of their mouthes.

Annas2013 · August 2012

The bride and her family are lucky you're contributing anything at all and should be thankful. Coming from someone with parents like those, please don't automatically place blame on the bride. Sometimes there honestly is nothing she can do to stop her parents from acting that way. That being said, you can always say no. Tell how much you can contribute like pps said. If they try to guilt trip you? Ignore it. They're just being immature. Some adults never grow up and just don't care if what they do and say is rude.

The bride should talk to her parents, but remember that there are just some people who will do what they want, no matter how rude it is. All you can do is just keep your distance. There is no reason for you to have to talk to the bride's parents. If you do want to pay for the rehearsal dinner, set a limit at how many guests you can afford. If her parents want more, they can pay for the extra guests.

I hope everything works out! You shouldn't have to stress about money for a wedding. It's just one day in the grand scheme of everything. Yes it's important, but it will be fun and beautiful whether $10,000 or $25,000 get spent on it.

theelusive1 · August 2012

Little Ceasers Pizza is a great rehersal dinner. Some sodas and you have a meal. Don't let them bully you into anything. Tell your son your done handing out money. It is his job to call them off, if he does not learn to do it now he never will. Offering to pay anything should have been greatly appreciated.

GoodLuckBear14 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-family-part-of-wedding-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:36Discussion:671aca52-d1e5-4ace-9c37-b86b0a6478dfPost:c2c46eb8-806d-40dc-a318-5bed8f0d151c">Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences</a>:
[QUOTE]Little Ceasers Pizza is a great rehersal dinner. Some sodas and you have a meal. Don't let them bully you into anything. Tell your son your done handing out money. It is his job to call them off, if he does not learn to do it now he never will. Offering to pay anything should have been greatly appreciated.
Posted by theelusive1[/QUOTE]

Why would you even suggest something as passive aggressive and b!tchy as this? She is already planning on a Rehearsal dinner for 45 (and I think has budgeted for the kind she wants) - and btw, Little Caesars has to be some of the nastiest pizza out there.

Also, it is not her son's job to call off his FILs. That is a conversation that her FDIL has to have with her parents.

transcriber87 · August 2012

WOW! Sounds like an expensive wedding...When FI and I first got engaged, my Mom offerened to pay for everything except I bought my own dress, my daughters dress. and some misc. things...My FI father passed away in June and his mother has no money and I don't think we are even having a rehearsal dinner..its no big deal to me really. You've been more than generous like PP have said..

MairePoppy · August 2012

My husband and I gave our daughter and FSIL a check to use for their wedding expenses. I have not asked, nor do I care, whether or not his parents have contributed anything toward the wedding. It's none of my business. We gave what we could and that is that.The bride's parents should not be asking you for money. If they have over planned, it's their own fault.

By the way, the list on The Knot about what the parents should pay for is a bunch of nonsense. That etiquette (?) was created back in 'the good old days,' when young brides went directly from their parents home to their new husband's home. They had little resources of their own, so the parents PLANNED and paid for a wedding that was within their budgets. My mother and all her sisters had simple at home receptions that consisted of sandwiches, coffee, tea, home made wedding cake and punch.Their mom and sisters made the food and the brides and grooms were all extremely grateful.

You have offered to pay for and host the RD and pay for the flowers. That is a very generous gift. No one should ask you to do more.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2012

NO ONE gets to tell you how to spend your own money.

My in-laws generously paid for our rehearsal dinner (and chose to invite out of town guests, so there were about 40 people) and gave us a cash gift for our wedding. My parents did not contribute financially to our wedding, so my husband and I paid for it. No one talked about the expenses with anyone else or knew how much - or if - other people were contributing. I happen to think finances are no one else's business!

lostmykeys · August 2012

As a recent MOB:

We did things "the old fashioned way" I guess, in that my husband and I paid for our daughter's wedding and FSIL's parents paid for the RD. I cannot imagine going to them and asking them to pay for more. We knew what budget we could afford for the wedding and when the couple wanted to spend more, we would reign them in.

As others have said, I would just stick to your budget and say "This is what we can do." If the bride's parents have expensive taste, I guess they need to be prepared to pay for it.

Lisa50 · August 2012

[QUOTE] <strong><font color="#000080">The responsibility for that is on the B&G and nobody else. </font></strong>
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

I whole heartedly agree. My thought (married just over a year, second time), the bride and groom should bear all expenses of their wedding. You are more than generous to contribute anything. Do not borrow nor put anything on credit cards to finance any part of the kids' wedding.

Sometimes, it's easier to find a part of the wedding which costs the amount (or close to) something you can afford. For instance, if you have $4,000 to contribute and the photography is around $3,750, tell them you'll pick up the bill for the photographer but only up to $3800 (giving them and yourself a little wiggle room). Good luck!

TheVirginians · August 2012

If you are paying for the things mentioned on The Knot (RD, Officiant, Bride's bouquet), then your answer to the bride's family is that you have discussed finances with the kids and refer her parents to the kids.

willywally5 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-family-part-of-wedding-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:671aca52-d1e5-4ace-9c37-b86b0a6478dfPost:188250dd-3036-4d5a-b8bf-4e9769907f7d">Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences</a>:
[QUOTE]The problem is my son totally gets it and has put his foot down on several things already. The Bride's Parents are the ones out of control! <strong>They have very expensive taste and want to make sure their little girl has the best of everything. </strong>
Posted by SueO63[/QUOTE]

<div>Then if Momma and Poppa of the Bride want all of that, they can cough up the cash. </div><div>
</div><div>It is ungodly rude for ANYONE to expect you to foot the bill for their wedding, and this includes your son's FILs. </div><div>
</div><div>You have been very generous to offer to help at all. Stick to your original plan of contributing X amount. Not a penny more. </div>

cmkk · August 2012

Iots of people split the cost of weddings more evenly than the traditional way outlined on this site. So maybe that's what the bride's family is expecting. BUT as pp have said, you are not obligated to pay for anything. You are already being generous. Too many people are spending beyond their means on weddings. Tell your son what you are comfortable contributing he and his bride can deal with her parents. Spending within your means should not be embarrassing to adult son.

pearlaqua · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_customs-traditions_grooms-family-part-of-wedding-expences?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:36Discussion:671aca52-d1e5-4ace-9c37-b86b0a6478dfPost:006c3633-8dc0-4c8c-b7c3-c385beb8437a">Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences : Why would you even suggest something as passive aggressive and b!tchy as this? She is already planning on a Rehearsal dinner for 45 (and I think has budgeted for the kind she wants) - and btw, Little Caesars has to be some of the nastiest pizza out there. Also, it is not her son's job to call off his FILs. That is a conversation that her FDIL has to have with her parents.
Posted by GoodLuckBear14[/QUOTE]

Pizza! Pizza!

I like Little Caesars and rehearsal dinners don't have to be over-the-top affairs...

Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences

Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences

Re: Groom&#039;s Family Part of Wedding Expences

Choose Another Board

Search Boards

Re: Groom's Family Part of Wedding Expences