Co-habiting

Purple&7 · July 2011

We've stayed with each other a few times. It's hard to resist temptation I'm not going to lie.

midgetthemighty · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:f271912a-9734-4a46-b394-22309fa3a881">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]We've stayed with each other a few times. It's hard to resist temptation I'm not going to lie.
Posted by Purple&7[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I know - we've had a few of those times. We've taken naps together at his apartment and at each of our parents houses. They have no problem with naps yet somehow sleeping throughout the night is really different, even with other people there. I think I'm just annoyed by the contradictions.

Purple&7 · July 2011

I always try to make sure that we aren't in a situation where we could take it too far. If we're home alone we try to stay in the living room. If we go to the bedroom we make sure that somebody else upstairs and we leave the door open. Sometimes we just avoid being home altogther.

mrandmrsbrist · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:9d48f454-31b9-4186-b225-b45d2d475240">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]Sometimes we just avoid being home altogther.
Posted by Purple&7[/QUOTE]

We've been doing that recently. With the wedding being so close, it seems like temptation is completely raging for both of us. We had a conversation about not spending days lounging around the house because at his parents house it's really easy for us to be alone, and no one at my parents house is ever home during the day. So we've been spending time with friends or out in public a lot and I think we will keep doing that as the wedding gets closer.

As for staying the night together, FI and I know that it is not for us. We really want our first night alone to be our wedding night. It has nothing to do with temptation and everything to do with the fact that we want to wait. The closest we've come to spending the night together is when we went to visit his grandparents out of town. He was going to stay with his aunt and I was going to stay with his grandparents, but his aunt suddenly got sick. FI went to stay with his great uncle instead.

perkins81 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:4bfc76b1-69e0-4942-9294-dd1b0cbaf8c9">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE] There are also studies showing that couples who live together prior to marriage have a higher divorce rate than those who don't. For the sake of protecting my marriage, my testimony to others, and my personal walk with Christ, we would never seriously consider living together. Currently, my FI lives with my parents 45 minutes away. I live closer to his work and he's over almost every day. Distance-wise and economically, it would make more sense for him to live with me, but we're not doing it.
Posted by djhar[/QUOTE]

This is absolutely true! I second it. I took a class recently in seminary and we read an entire book of statistics about young adults. The studies showed over and over again that living together (and especially having sex before marriage) had a much higher divorce rate once the couple got married, whether they were Christians or not. I think what happens is, if you can't exercise self-control before the wedding, how do you expect things to be different after the wedding? If you give into temtpation before the wedding, chances are, you or your partner, or both of you, will give into temptation after the wedding (whether it be sexual in nature or some other area).

Perhaps one person starts looking at porn or a good-looking person catches their eye and they keep thinking about that other person, or perhaps one person starts spending money behind the other's back b/c something looks "oh-so-good." Self-control (or the lack of it) can filter into all areas of life and cause disaster. Pre-marital sex is just one area where a couple can choose to resist in order to practice self-control and honor their relationship before God and others.

I admit that I struggle with this myself, so I speak from experience. Things have gotten better b/c I'm submitting to God and learning how to be self-controlled, but it is a daily struggle. The more good choices you make, though, the easier it gets to continue making good choices.

Note: We're not having sex, but we have gone too far in our boundaries. That's what I meant by "I struggle with this myself." Additionally, I have problems with over-eating and am learning to control that. It's all about self-control and discipline.

sessionswedding · July 2011

Alright, I'm starting to take offense.

I'm not 5. Just because the cookie's been left out on the counter doesn't mean I have to eat it. And it doen't mean I'm a lesser person even if I do. Besides, if FI and I wanted to have sex, trust me, we would not need to move in together to do it.

Not wanting to get raped and kidnapped if/when someone breaks into my apartment is a smart reason to have a grown man living with me, not a convenient one.

None of our friends are even going to know that we're living together for 3 whole months before the wedding. And even the ones who do can defer to a BM and GM from our wedding party, who are devout Christians (the BM is Catholic even) and co-habitating without incident now for over a year. Which was a blessing for the BM when she found out she had cancer and needed someone there to help take care of her and drive her back and forth to the hospital for chemo.

That some of you know people who have had sex or gotten pregnant before marriage is not a commentary on living together, it's a commentary on those individual peoples' inability to resist that temptation.

OK, now I feel a little better.

perkins81 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:fad41858-fb3c-455b-8681-bceac27d09eb">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright, I'm starting to take offense. I'm not 5. Just because the cookie's been left out on the counter doesn't mean I have to eat it. And it doen't mean I'm a lesser person even if I do. Besides, if FI and I wanted to have sex, trust me, we would not need to move in together to do it. Not wanting to get raped and kidnapped if/when someone breaks into my apartment is a smart reason to have a grown man living with me, not a convenient one. None of our friends are even going to know that we're living together for 3 whole months before the wedding. And even the ones who do can defer to a BM and GM from our wedding party, who are devout Christians (the BM is Catholic even) and co-habitating without incident now for over a year. Which was a blessing for the BM when she found out she had cancer and needed someone there to help take care of her and drive her back and forth to the hospital for chemo. That some of you know people who have had sex or gotten pregnant before marriage is not a commentary on living together, it's a commentary on those individual peoples' inability to resist that temptation. OK, now I feel a little better.
Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]

Exactly. That's the point. It's not the living together that necessarily causes a higher divorce rate, it's the giving into temptation that does. Some people can resist temptation, even when living together, while others can't. Each situation is different. BF and I have discussed the occasional sleeping over now and then. We haven't done it yet, but he might need to do so in a few months b/c we'll be traveling. Do I think him sleeping over will lead to divorce after we're married? No. But if we allow ourselves to use this situation to give into temptation, then it is a step in the wrong direction. Things can be worked out, for sure, but we don't want to even start down that road.

So if you and your FI can truly live together and not give into temptation, I personally don't see a problem with that. Others will, but only you can decide for yourself. In my case, we will not live together b/c (1) we don't need to (we don't have the safety issue that you have), and (2) we know it would probably be too hard for us to resist temptation. Each situation is different and so I'm not speaking against yours - just wanted to clarify.

ochemjenn · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:3aac7361-e5e3-4e52-8182-ff1cf5e7b16b">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Co-habiting : This is absolutely true! I second it. I took a class recently in seminary and we read an entire book of statistics about young adults. The studies showed over and over again that living together (and especially having sex before marriage) had a much higher divorce rate once the couple got married, whether they were Christians or not. I think what happens is, if you can't exercise self-control before the wedding, how do you expect things to be different after the wedding? If you give into temtpation before the wedding, chances are, you or your partner, or both of you, will give into temptation after the wedding (whether it be sexual in nature or some other area). Perhaps one person starts looking at porn or a good-looking person catches their eye and they keep thinking about that other person, or perhaps one person starts spending money behind the other's back b/c something looks "oh-so-good." Self-control (or the lack of it) can filter into all areas of life and cause disaster. Pre-marital sex is just one area where a couple can choose to resist in order to practice self-control and honor their relationship before God and others. I admit that I struggle with this myself, so I speak from experience. Things have gotten better b/c I'm submitting to God and learning how to be self-controlled, but it is a daily struggle. The more good choices you make, though, the easier it gets to continue making good choices. Note: We're not having sex, but we have gone too far in our boundaries. That's what I meant by "I struggle with this myself." Additionally, I have problems with over-eating and am learning to control that. It's all about self-control and discipline.
Posted by perkins81[/QUOTE]

Not always true.

<a href="http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-07-28-cohabitation-research_N.htm" rel='nofollow'>http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-07-28-cohabitation-research_N.htm</a>

quote
"The nature of cohabitation has changed," says Jay Teachman, a sociology professor at Western Washington University in Bellingham. "Cohabitators 20 years ago were the rule breakers, the rebels, the risk takers — the folks who were perhaps not as interested in marriage, and using cohabitation as an alternative to marriage."<div class="inside-copy">VOTE: <a href="http://<a href=">www.usatoday.com/news/quickquestion/2008/june/popup10751.htm</a>" target="popup651">Which best describes your views on cohabitation?</a></div>
"Twenty or 25 years ago, if you were cohabiting and then married them, the marriage was more likely to dissolve and end in divorce," he says. "Today, that's not the case. You can cohabit with your spouse and not experience increased risk of divorce. We're making these finer distinctions that we didn't make before."
end quote

The author differentiated between living only with your future spouse (lower rate of divorce) and living with multiple partners (higher rate):

quote
• The odds of divorce among women who married their only cohabiting partner were 28% lower than among women who never cohabited before marriage, according to sociologist Daniel Lichter of Cornell University in Ithaca, N.Y. • Divorce rates for those who cohabit more than once are more than twice as high as for women who cohabited only with their eventual husbands, says Lichter's study, to be published in the Journal of Marriage and Family in December.
end quote

Many people who move in together don't see premarital sex as giving into temptation, so it doesn't make sense that it is a lack of self control. For some people it is just a decision that is made logically, as opposed to "hey, let's go ahead and do this".

perkins81 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:199b752e-6c03-4ef5-a2cb-9bd00931ec03">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE] Many people who move in together don't see premarital sex as giving into temptation, so it doesn't make sense that it is a lack of self control. For some people it is just a decision that is made logically, as opposed to "hey, let's go ahead and do this".
Posted by ochemjenn[/QUOTE]

Yes, but this is the Christian board, so I'm assuming the majority of people on this board are "like-minded" and agree that premarital sex is giving into temptation. If we look at the world's statistics that they dish out in the media, of course these are going to side with the world's point of view and say that it's actually better to live together and have premarital sex. Of course the devil is going to use media to skew the data in favor of the world's opinions.

But Christian research shows the complete opposite: "nearly all studies consistently show that couples who live together before they marry are more, not less, likely to later divorce than couples who did not live together before their wedding" (Souls in Transition, p. 63). Note: in this context, when the authors write "live together" they are assuming the couple is also having premarital sex. This book was written in 2009 and contains hundreds of statistics and years of research, from 2002 up until 2009. The research was conducted by Christians striving for the truth.

In fact, a quote from Princeton University about the book, reads "Unlike the nonsense delivered in news magazines and opinion polls, Souls in Transition is serious scholarly research about religion among emerging adults."

So there is data from both sides of the issue, but we need to keep in mind where that data is coming from. We can use statistics and research from both sides to get information, but truth is ultimately found in the Word of God and the Holy Spirit, who will teach us what is right and what is wrong.

fpaemp2011 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:2ceabdd2-175a-4a4b-91dd-9c9ce2c5ce09">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]So there is data from both sides of the issue, but we need to keep in mind where that data is coming from. We can use statistics and research from both sides to get information, but truth is ultimately found in the Word of God and the Holy Spirit, who will teach us what is right and what is wrong.
Posted by perkins81[/QUOTE]

Eye to eye.

Bett2012 · July 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_co-habiting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:e7e26372-a68d-49f9-a366-4c8a4f78ae15Post:22e287a2-6583-40ac-b1ba-e00800617716">Re: Co-habiting</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Co-habiting : My impression is that there are also unspoken places in the Bible that hint that it's not allowed. There is the woman by the well that Jesus talks to, and he says something to the effect of, "The man you're living with is not your husband" in sort of a rebuking but still loving way.
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Good point. I didn't think of that before :)</div>

RebeccaJac · July 2011

I'm honestly super surprised people are ok with living together before you're married. The Bible is really clear about fleeing temptation, not giving even a hint of the appearace of sin and many other verses pertaining to how we should treat sin.

There's no way FI and I could remain abstinent if we were living together. Maybe we're just more horndogs than most, btu we're wired that way.

Right after our engagment I began spending just about all my time at FI's house and we had to make the decision that it was not right to behave as though we were married. It cheapens the real thing. It's not helthy emotionally, sexually or spiritually.

I'm a pretty liberal Chrisitian, but I think the Bible is crystal clear when it comes to co-habitation.

Co-habiting

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