Extremely Lazy Groom

hayleyhp3 · October 2010

He sounds like he doesn't want to get married. If I were you, first of all, do not finish his jobs for him. He knows you will eventually do it for him, so you are giving him the excuse to not do it. Second, I would tell him that it is too much work for you to plan the wedding, so you are going to postpone it unless he helps you. My guess is he will be fine with that, since it seems like he doesn't care to get married anyway. Don't over stress about getting things done now when it's a year away...take more time if you need to. Your wedding planning should be fun. If all else failes, get him involved by doing stuff he would want! Get married at a football stadium ;o) Where is his favorite places to eat? Can you have the dinner rehearsal or reception there. MAKE IT FUN for both of you!

RebekahJF · October 2010

My fiance and I are planning to build a house. Originally he told me the wedding planning was my department and the house planning/building was his department; but then whenever he was working on the house plans he wanted me with him, and many of our evenings were spent shopping for cabinets, or doors, or whatever. Of course that is all great and I wanted to be with him, too, but I never had any time to do any of the wedding planning chores. He is a great guy, though. As soon as I spoke up and told him I was stressed out with the wedding planing and felt like I needed his help, he jumped right to it. Now whenever I mention something that needs to be done, we plan a time to do it together. He even helped me pick out the bridesmaid's dresses!

michelekc · October 2010

Excellent point, Manwaithiel. It is pretty common for the groom to not be involved in many of the wedding details, but it sounds like you guys have a bigger issue on your hands that threatens the viability of your marriage.

kyleloveslinds · October 2010

Im dealing with just the opposite. My fiance is a groomzilla and loves the planning process! He arranged the church and the reception site, I just hope he leaves the details to me..
Hopefully if you communicate with your soon to be husband, he will understand how important it is to plan together. Maybe you could even try to make it fun for him, by letting him plan things that would interest him (maybe the transportation/bar options, etc) or

jaxxi · October 2010

Technically we aren't even engaged because I don't have a ring, but he has picked out the food, his cake, the music, the atmosphere....its a semi-formal outdoorsy affair. I am lucky to be with someone a little more controlling than me So he told me what he wanted to do and everything else I can do. We are budgeting our wedding and the engagement ring is in that budget as well.

ChristineJene · October 2010

Megan I think you are right!! He is being lazy and rude. This wedding is for both of you, and he needs to act like a grown-up and take some responsibility for himself. But you probably need to give him a little push. For example, don't fold his laundry. If it is in your way when you try to do laundry, throw it in a basket. Also, I would sit down with him and make sure he understands that you are not trying to nag him, but it is important to you that this be a team effort. Then don't nag him. And if you are a year out, I would take a deep breath and slow down a little bit because it is only going to get worse.

joyceybabey · October 2010

Hey Megan,

I do understand where you're coming from, but to echo some of the earlier responses, the grooms usually don't do much of the planning. It's important to keep him informed, and ask his opinion on things. If he doesn't give you much of an enthusiastic answer, then take it with a grain of salt and press forward. It's great you're getting things done and out of the way early, but don't let your planning break your relationship. There will be a lot of stress in planning, but in the end it is really just a party and a chance for your family and friends to celebrate with you. It's okay to be picky about what you want, but nobody can expect perfection in the grand scheme of things. Flaws are bound to happen. You're the only one who will really know if things are imperfect (which they will be), but don't let those little things stress you out and ruin the joy of a marriage.

Like another Knotter who previously responded, I got my wedding together in a short period of time. My fiance and I got engaged in August and are getting married next Saturday. Things come together as they should. So just take time to yourself to relax and breathe. Buy yourself some stress relief candles, take a yoga class, pamper yourself, and make sure to take time do go on dates and do non-wedding things together (and without wedding stuff on your mind)...whatever that relieves stress for you.

I hope your wedding plans go well for the remainder of your year. Just remember... don't sweat the small stuff (and it's all small stuff).

Joy & Peace,
Joycelyn

smart0n · October 2010

You know, I'm kind of surprised by the majority of the replies. It sounds as though she works full time and he works and goes to school. So neither of them have a lot of free time. It's not like in a few months everything will change and they'll have all the time in the world to plan their wedding. The only thing that will change is they have less time until the wedding. You can't possibly assert from her one post that she is crazy, controlling or nagging the FI all the time. How many of you when actually planning did not ever get stressed out? Or wish you had more time? Or wish you had more help? To say "oh I did it all by myself and loved it and got it all done in a couple of months" is completely unrealistic. Why shouldn't men be involved in planning a wedding? Why do they get excused for not wanting to help or complaining about it? Because they're men? Also, to say "relax, you have a whole year" doesn't do much either. We have no idea what kind of ceremony and reception she's planning. She could have 600 guests or be doing all DIY stuff. I do think she would get some good from taking a break from it all and doing something fun and wedding-unrelated with her fiance, but I understand her frustrations.

JennK78 · October 2010

I totally agree with the message above. I am concerned about the state of the original poster's relationship with her fiance and she should be too.

A couple of things: I can understand that the fiance is tired after a long day of working and school and that he wouldn't have any interest in helping to plan a wedding. Let's face it, it's a girl thing. My fiance pretty much has the same attitude - that is, that it's "my day" he has said, and I know that he would pretty much be happy with having it all planned out for him and he just show up. I really think most guys are like that.

So...I think maybe the original poster just needs to look at the situation like, hey, I can plan the wedding whichever way I want! You have free reign, so go with it! On the other hand, though, it is a real problem that he is being uncooperative and complaining about everything. I hate to have to tell you, but that is a red flag. Sounds like his heart isn't in this and maybe that he doesn't want this marriage or relationship as badly as you do. You both really need to talk about this and be honest with yourselves and each other. I agree with the marriage counseling suggestion.

However, you may need to either 1) be prepared that he may be like this for the rest of your relationship and marriage (i.e., it's a sign of things to come because, let's face it, things do not change just because you get married) or 2) be prepared that if you guys don't address how you both really feel, you may just wind up divorced in no time. With the divorce rate as high as it is in this country, you really want to make sure that you both want this. With or without the fiance, this issue is something you will want to talk to your priest about. And if your priest is honest with you, you may find that he says pretty much the same thing.

You may want to find someone else who is more in it for the long haul, no matter how much you may care for each other and no matter how many wedding plans you have already made. You owe it to yourselves.

Good luck.

sarajane11 · October 2010

You probably feel like you are being attacked right now...but I don't think that is how most are intending it to come across. Everyone just wants you to be able to enjoy this time being engaged. I was married before....my mom and I did EVERYTHING for a big church wedding in 3 months...my now ex-husband did nothing. I was so wrapped up in getting everything done and making sure everything was going to be perfect that I was completely miserable the entire engagement. The night before my wedding, I went to bed bawling my eyes out because I was incredibly stressed. With or without my stress, it was a beautiful wedding. I ruined it for myself. I wish someone would have told me to snap out of it.

This time around, I am VERY lucky. The FI is very involved in planning and we talk through all the decisions together. (This is FAR from the norm. This I know from previous experience and going through it with all my friends' weddings.) We are paying for everything ourselves, so we are trying to stick to a budget....so this could make it stressful all over again. However, I learned my lesson the first time around and refuse to let the wedding take over my life. I am marrying an amazing man that is my best friend in every way...I am going to enjoy every minute of our lives together and not waste time stressing about things that won't matter 10 years from now.

If this is the man that you are absolutely positive you want to spend the rest of your life with...recruit some help from family and friends and get his input on what intrests him. Talk to him too though. Let him know how overwhelmed and alone in the planning you are feeling. Take a date night for just you two and the wedding details are not allowed to come along.

But...if you are not absolutely positive that this is the man (as he is...faults and all, with no guaranteed change to come) that you want to spend everyday of your life with, them postpone until you are sure or cancel completely. I knew in my heart that the first time around was wrong, but didn't want to admit it after being so far along in planning and lied to myself and others about how "sure" I was. Now, I am grateful that I have a second chance with a man I am absolutely positive I cannot live a day of my life without knowing we are each others. I just want everyone to experience the happiness I have discovered and no one to experience the heartache of my past.

Good luck hun!

[Deleted User] · October 2010

I don't want to be cynical, and how your fiance treats your wedidng is not necessarily how he will treat your marriage, but it does open the conversation to 'what kind of marriage are you expecting'. So many marriages in our generation fail because we enter into them with unclear expectations and our roles as husband and wife have not be defined to each other. Maybe he thinks a wife takes care of everything while he works hard, furthers his education, and ultimately brings home money fo ryou to spend. Maye that's not how you imagined your roles. It's not the end of the world, but it means there's some conversations to have.

My husband to be isn't doing much planning, but he enjoys seeing what I've done and has graciously accepted my request that he be extra helpful around the house with other things while i'm busy with the wedding plans.

in the end, a wedidng must be a reflection of what you both want, who you are as a couple, and what you will value in the marriage it represents. Word it to him that way and the conversation will move in a new direction I think.

liv1082 · October 2010

I have been extremely lucky in this department because when my fiance saw i was getting upset with the lack of emotion he had for the wedding he decided that we would set aside some time for the us to talk about the wedding planning and that way i had his full attention. But with that said i choose to talk the most about the the things that i know will get him excited about the wedding. If i choose to spend the whole time to talk to him about fabric and silverware he is not going to get excited about this time. But if i briefly show him that stuff and talk more about the exciting things then he will be more excited and get into it more.

I can understand feeling upset that this is a ceremony and a party for both of you and it seems unfair that he gets to show up after having done none of the work and have a good time. But in the end if you ask most guys if they want the whole big shindig they will tell you they don't and the only reason they want to have it is because they know how much it means to us as a bride. In the end have fun with the planning, Think about how much more the wedding will mean to you because of the fact that you put all of the work into it. it shouldn't be an awful horrible thing to do and if it is maybe you shouldn't be having a huge party.

Have a date night or really sit down and talk to him about what all goes into planning a wedding. With my fiance he had no clue how much work went into a wedding and didn't know why i was so stressed out. (He thought i was being a little dramatic) Once he realized what i had to do he told me he now understood why i was so stressed out and was more willing to help out with some of the stuff. But i still try and make sure that our whole relationship is not wedding talk.

Buttercup6807 · October 2010

I definitely think that you shouldn't be so wedding crazed so earlier in the planning process because once you're closer to the wedding day its going to be heightened craziness so for your own mental health and the health of your relationship, I would give it a break for a while. People tend to fill each other's heads with "oh, make sure you book this DJ and this photographer before they're booked" when you are most likely going to get exactly what you want without that added pressure down the road.

I am less than a year away (almost 11 months) and I know I have a long way to go. The only thing I wanted to make sure was set when we got engaged last year was the ceremony and reception venue and lucky for us the place provides the flower vendor and catering, so that knocked out those tasks right away.

I don't really see the point of alphabetizing the guest list at all. And if you're set on having that done, get an app like iWedding or something like that, which will do it for you, but still I don't see the logic. I think its better to keep the lists in groups like his/her fam his/her friends etc...

You're teetering on the boarder of become a Bridezilla ( I hate thatword too ) but having been through my sister's wedding planning process from last summer til this summer when she finally got married, you really shouldn't press issues or press people's buttons early into the process. My sister had us going out on a freezing cold day in JANUARY (her wedding was July) just to drive an hour away to get SIZED! When I realized that she only wanted us to get up at 7 am to only be sized she's lucky I didn't beat the crap out of her. I was under the impression that we were trying on our bridesmaids dresses. She hounded everyone to do unneccesary things and became mean and verbally abusive to everyone (particularly me, my mother, and her fiance) that come wedding day, there was so much tension that I don't think people had as much fun as they wanted to have.

Choose your battles, ask what HE wants to decide on, and everything else will just have to be tough if he doesn't like it because he didn't want to participate. you just have to face the sad fact that most men don't want to pick swatches and fonts and maybe its for the best if you want your vision instead of havin the colors of his fav football team come wedding day.

kate4steve · October 2010

My groom is tad bit on the lazy side, but he still wants to be included in our planning, so I ask him his opinons on the most important matters. Guest List, Location, and food. Especially with the food that is one thing he is a expert on. All the other things, flowers, favors, and decorations he doesn't care so much. I'm sure its probably the same with your fiance. Another thing you have 10 months to get things done, don't listen to what all the to do lists say you should do right now, because in your life it might not be feasable go by what your schedule dictates. I agree with the others though, if he is not feeling a church ceremony, why are you pushing for it? There can be a happy medium of a religous service outside (weather permitting) or ceremony inside and reception outside. But if there is tension there get that figured out first so later your not asking yourself why did I do this? It's time to relax and get off the wedding planning for a month or so, you have lots of time still to get things done. Have a date night, no wedding talk, go out and remember why he's the man you want to marry. Don't expect him to want to be on every aspect of this, men don't have the mental capacity for the details like women do. As time gets closer he'll start to participate more, most guys think weddings can be planned in two months. And if you want decision help, ask him for an hour or two of his time on the weekend, go out get the options and come back and discuss with him. Thats what I have done because I know my groom could care less for the flowers and decorations right now. Remember to relax and take a moment for yourself, wedding planning should be fun, there is no need to rush at this moment. Get a calender and make your own goals in it for what you want to have things done by on your time schedule.

tmeehan1 · October 2010

The Wedding day is basicly for the bride and family! He asked or in my case he said yes, that is enough. Plan it how you want and if he wants to be a part AWESOME if not oh well. For my other half and I, I am doing all the planning I just have to tell him when and were to be @ what time and what he has to wear!

deepowee · October 2010

Hate to tell you but men are not as excited about wedding planing at all. My Fiance told me"tell me where to be and I will show up" the wedding in mainly for the bride. I have my very good friends and my mother the help me with all of my needs and that is what you need to do. you are already stressed out and to tell you the truth the more you nag the less he will do.

sonnolaluna · October 2010

I think there's different aspects to look at here, and it's very important that you do, for the sake of your marriage.

1) Understand that not caring about the wedding, does not equal not caring about marriage. HOWEVER, you both need to be clear about what his indifference is toward. As women, we fantasize about our wedding day and want everything to be perfect. Most guys just don't care, and that's the truth. Guys don't care if the tone of green in your invitations don't match the dresses, believe me, they don't. If you need a listening ear, that's what you have girlfriends, mom, whatever girl in your life for. Plus, it's a good bonding experience.
My fiancee and I had the same discussion, and when I understood that all he wants is to marry me and really doesn't care about the wedding, or if we had one, I was perfectly fine with it. I am able to pick whatever I want, spend whatever I want, and not get into arguments.

Now that we're 5 months away from the wedding, he drops a little comment about what we should have, and I appreciate his ideas (and tell him), even if they don't make the final cut. I agree with whoever said that men need admiration like air.

2) Is he lazy about the wedding? Or about everything? One thing is him not helping you out in the wedding, and another one is not helping you out at home, look at this objectively and decide which one is more important for you. If he is just being a lousy partner overall, why would you want to marry him.

3) My fiancee is definitely a football fan. Believe me, I had to pick my date so that it doesn't interfere with football season. I understand that specially now, you feel like you can't count on him, but you need to be able to accommodate each other through this time. It's not easy, it's taken me a couple of years to work a system that works for both of us, but we're finally getting somehwere. Understand that there is one football season every year, and if you are thinking of spending the rest of your life with him, for the rest of your life, at this time of year, it's gonna the same thing.

4) Finally, for the love of God, enjoy being engaged, connect with your fiancee, I know it's hard to do, but don't stress so much about this wedding. NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR WEDDING MORE THAN YOU DO, it's true....nobody notices the little things we stress about.
You have a whole year to put this wedding together….A YEAR! You don't need a definite list until you are ready to send ouy invitations….and you definitely don't need it alphabetized. I do believe that's a bit intense on your part. Relax a little, when you look back at this time, do you really want to remember it as this stressful time that you hated so much, I know I wouldn't.

It's ok to be behind whatever timeline people tell you you should be following, i know I am way off from the one The Knot offers, but my wedding is coming out just how i want it, most importantly, i don't feel stressed at all.

Hopefully you are able to slow down, take a deep breath and relax. It's ok to take your time to do things, you don't need to spend all your free time planning your wedding, you should give yourself time to think about the step you're taking and who you're taking it with....i would also suggest pre-marital counseling...it helps a lot.

ivyclay · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_chit-chat_extremely-lazy-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:14Discussion:dfbf1898-1194-43af-9130-1acd12c2a87bPost:7ce0734b-158c-4c44-96a0-d946c8b1ba8a">Re: Extremely Lazy Groom</a>:
[QUOTE]My best advice for you, GO ON A DATE. Reconnect as a couple. You are letting the wedding take over your life. Just be a happy couple for a weekend.
Posted by deb84[/QUOTE]

I agree completely!

Also I would not undermine his ability to time manage. What you need to do is figure out one or two tasks, at least to starrt, that he agrees are important and he has an intrest in, ex my FI really wants to be incharge ofthe guest list because ho is a computer junkie and wants to make a really foncy database. so that is his job. I just told him when it needs to be done and WHY that time. Now i dont ask him about it, i show trust in him that he cares enough about our friends and family to get the list done so they can come. He aslo wants some sort of photobooth or picture station. I left him in charge with a done by date.

I recamend finding something he thinks is important, and trusting him. If you want to know how he is doing, simlpy say "hey I was looking online for flowers (or something) and saw an add for a photo booth, just wondering if you were intrested in the link." or something. But overall. I found that men need to know they are important and respected. Even if it is a tiny job like grabbing a spool of ribbon from the store for you on their way home, they love to be apprecioted for the things they do.

Lastly i found when something needs to be discused, the sandwitch tecnique is great, say something they did you liked, subtly talk about wanting something to be done, then express some gratitude for them or what they agreed to do, it starts the conversation on a better note, an ends it better too.
p.s. watch the football with him and only talk on every other comercial.... they cooperate more.

katyj25 · October 2010

Sarajane, I could not have said it better myself. This also is my second wedding. The first time around I was very young and caught up in the excitement of it all that I did not take the time to really ask myself if he was the one for me. Now nearly 10 years later, I have found a man who is absolutely the one for me. When we are apart I miss him like crazy. My fiancee is in the Army and is getting ready for deployment 10 days after our wedding in June. Because of this, we started planning early. Each month we tackle a large item on our guest list. Month, not day or even week. I do a lot of the planning during my down time at work, which has really helped a lot. I have also gotten help from my MOH and BM. I have yet to find this wedding planning to be stressful, because I am taking things one step at a time. Just last night we secured out wedding cake vendor. My fiancee and I discussed it in advance so there would be no arguements when we got there. We agreed to pick the shape together, I picked the design and he picked all of the flavors. I was extremely surprised how well he did. Then afterwards we grabbed dinner and a couple drinks at a restaurant and watched the World Series game together. Put in an incentive for him to make him more excited in the planning. My fiancee and I go out for dinner or drinks each time after we meet with a vendor. It gives us a chance to get out of the house to have a fun night out, plus we are still accomplishing the wedding planning. You are lucky, trust me. I would fold my fiancee's laundry everyday of my life and do all of the wedding planning if I could choose to have him not risk his life for ALL Americans overseas. Be lucky and feel blessed that you have him home every night. In the end, it is a marriage to last a lifetime, not a wedding to last a day.

JStaats · October 2010

Mine doesn't like details. He prefers me to do the original leg work (searched the internet for a few DJs...we met with the one I liked best and went with them)...found two officiants..met with both, chose the second...he defers to my taste/preference in most things, but he is not one to do the searching. But I have more time and frankly, I'm better at research than he is...so it works out.

I have found that if I go to him with a list of about 3 things, and tell him, "I need 15 minutes, is now ok?" then he responds favorably. I don't schedule it during football...LOL. I find the quiet time right before bed works usually.

My best friend's fiance though, he is TOO involved... he wants to control everything..so nothing is perfect.

tnwilli1205 · October 2010

I can relate to your frustration. I work, take care of the household, coordinate our schedules, as well as do the majority of the planning. Part of the time, I was in school (I just finished in May). It's stresses me out to have to make all these big decisions alone (especially when he nags about our budget, which I am within) and I want this to be something we can do together as a couple because it makes it more fun for me especially since I do not have family or wedding party members that live close enough to help. I started my planning early a little over a year out because I knew that it would be more manageable for me. I have all the big components in place so now I can focus on the details that are very important to me that are also DIY projects.

My suggestions:
   1. I try to make choosing vendors fun. I narrow the choices and then spread out the interviews and after each interview we go on a date of some kind (dinner, a movie, driving range (he loves golf), ice cream. Rewards work wonders and you have fun together.
   2. I also explained to my fiance that it means a lot to me to do it as a couple because I want it to be OUR wedding not just my wedding.
   3. I pick small projects for him to do that we can do in front of the TV such as using an embosser to create our return address seals for the STD's and invitations, stuffing envelopes, etc.
   4. I add in leeway because it will take him time to get around to doing things and then give him friendly reminders (like how's your guest list coming along, honey? do you need help finding addresses?).
   5. Prioritize, space out your to do's and then designate a day to get wedding stuff done every other week or so when you want his help so he can plan for it.
   6. Relax! You do have some time especially if the major components (venues, caterer, florist) are done.

Good luck!

audluck · October 2010

Megan, I think you have valid concerns. He sounds like he is being very cold to your needs. As far as booking vendors a year in advance, I also think this is a valid concern. I live in Wichita and when I was a year out, I thought I have so much time. At the 9 month mark I started looking at photographers and other vendors, and many were already booked for my date. I am not suggesting you worry, I'm sure every city is different.

Both of us are in school and working full time. It is impossible with that kind of schedule to plan an elaborate wedding, do all the housework, take care of all of the personal finances, exercise, and get done all the other activities, church things, etc without both people making an effort. So maybe if he isn't interested in the wedding, he can do housework or some other chore to give you more time to plan. My fiancé has complained about wedding planning even though he hasn't been helping, I can tell he isn't interested in any of it, but that's ok because he helps me with all of the other day to day stuff and my mom has been helping with the wedding planning. When two people work, go to school, and share a house, it is not reasonable for one person to take care of all of the "home" stuff, male or female!

As far as the meeting with the priest and seeing your family, I also don't think he should be complaining about that. If he doesn't choose to participate in your religion he needs to tell you. That might be a very serious conversation you two need to have before you get married. Football is not more important than your relationship and family time, how would he feel if you said to him, "I don't want to go to your parent's house, leave me alone I'm watching Oprah!" What happens when you have kids (assuming you want to) and you ask for help and he says "I'm trying to relax and watch football." Come on people, women that work deserve just as much "relaxing" time as men!

KJ7985 · October 2010

He sounds like he's being kind of difficult, I think we can all empathize at least a little bit. I think there are a lot of guys out there who don't like wedding planning (or hearing about it)--not because they don't care about the marriage or you, but because they just don't think it's that big of a deal. It's like when my fiance talks about his fantasy team, he always prefaces it with "I know you couldn't care less about this (very true), but I'm going to tell you about it anyways." I feel like wedding talk is to guys what fantasy football (or insert topic of indifference here) is to us girls.

I say make the best of the situation. If he hates wedding planning, then use this as an opportunity to become closer with your mom, sister, or friend who happens to be obsessed with weddings (we all have one...or many). My guy has a few things he's responsible for (DJ, limo, cake), but for things he couldn't care less about (aisle decor, flowers, dresses, centerpieces) I get to spend some quality time with my mom. If he doesn't want to help you, find someone who would LOVE to help you! It'll make the process a lot more fun, I promise!

rubymiene · October 2010

The part about the priest stuck out at me. Is he catholic? Does he even know the priest? Is the only reason you are getting married in a church because you and your parents want a catholic wedding? If that is the case, then I completely understand why he doesn't want to spend his time talking to the priest or going to church ever week, I wouldn't either. If he's not of the same religious beliefs, then you should be grateful he is willing to get married in your church at all.

As for the rest of it...I think that you have an idea of exactly how the wedding should go, and he does not think the details matter and does not think that you or he needs to spend time on them. You are not going to change his mind. If you want to have the wedding look the way you want, you are going to have to do it yourself. If you don't want to stress yourself out, find someone else to help you or have a simpler wedding. Ask if he would be willing to get married at the courthouse. If he seems happy with that, then it's the wedding details that bore him, not the marriage. If he wants something more elaborate, then tell him that you need help and discuss postponing until he is out of school and has more time to help.

As for the alphabetized guest list...try asking him to fix your Excel for you, that'll probably seem like less crazy of a request.

refsoon2be · October 2010

I do agree with asking your FI, in what he wants to do or suggest. My H said he would try to help during his busy schedule. I showed him what I was doing, and he looked things over and said it looked good. That's all I was expecting. EXCEPTANCE! I wanted to have bubbles, and H suggested we change things a bit and it turned out great. Plus he feels like he has put in some work into the wedding. It might be lower than 5%, but that 5% means alot to both of us.

tenniscourt44 · October 2010

Maybe try asking him what he cares about when it comes to the wedding - just ask what's important to him and then ask his opinion about that stuff. My FI isn't really into the wedding planning (as much as he may tell other people he is). He just tells me whatever I want is fine with him. He just wants to be married. It's not like he doesn't care, he just doesn't really have an opinion one way or the other.

Now, if its more along the lines of he doesn't CARE, that's a bigger issue. Is he going to care when in 20 years you have a teenager who is walking a fine line of getting kicked out of school, or is he just going to say he wants to watch football? You might have an issue if that's the case.

Try talking to him not about specific wedding details (flowers, cake, etc.) but more in generalizations - ask what his thoughts are about the whole thing. Don't come across as controlling, make it seem like its more about you (this trick works like a charm for me); try phrasing it more like "I'm really confused about something, and I need your help to figure it out. This whole wedding process has made me feel like _______________ and while I don't want to be bridezilla it's really important to me that this is something we do at least partially together." Don't insert "you" anywhere into your dialogue; this way he won't feel attacked and he will actually (hopefully) feel like he's really helping you fix a problem.

i3rooke · October 2010

I know how exciting it can be to wedding plan, but most men are not fully interested in all the little details. It might be helpful to look at the wedding timeline that is provided on this site or get the wedding magazine "Simple weddings", because it has a timeline. Then you can keep from getting overly intense with planning. You can keep on track then and prove what is important. However, it is a must to remember that this wedding is about your FI and you and not the frills. You have time, so enjoy your engagement.

holly11599 · October 2010

Ya...so we both work 8a-6p, I cook, clean yada yada but he pays all the bills. He doesnt have good taste so I am planning this whole thing and paying for it by myself. My family and friends all live in a different state. I have no one me me me that is it! I do not complain....there is always someone who has it worse. Suck it up. your wedding day will be beautiful.

sbbrat10 · October 2010

I feel really bad that everyone on here attacked you... I guess this is why you should get advice and vent to your best friends-- not strangers who just judge and snap at you!!! I think the fact that you are on top of things and starting early is a good thing, It'll make the months closer to the wedding a little easier and less stressful. Knowing everything is done, will help you relax once you get to that point. And I think although you do have to be careful about constant wedding talk or "nagging', he should know and realize how important this day is, and if you are stressing, if he loves you, he should do what he can to help you out. This doesn't mean necessarily sharing 50/50 because not many grooms do that, but he can at least put in some effort, not even because he wants to or it's fun, but because he cares about you.

sugarbuns25 · October 2010

I know I'm a bit late in the game here... but I have to admit, it never even dawned on me that my FI would ever even consider wanting to be involved in our planning. I agree with what mcclurekelley said about asking him what he wants to be involved in. For us, I knew he would want to have a say in the location, music and menu... aside from that, he could absolutely care less.
Also, if he isn't getting the list done... on your time frame and the way you want it... call his relatives, his mom or someone who has that information. My FI never got me a guest list so I called his mom and got it from her... and it wasn't easy since I only speak English and she only speaks Spanish... but it was worth it to me to not have to get in a fight over something so silly as a guest list.
It's not for a lack of interest in us or our upcoming marriage, it's simply a lack of interest in anything that has to do with event planning. He doesn't care about colors or flowers or decor. And that's OK.
What he does care about it that we will soon be married and comitted to spending the rest of our lives together.

We, do to school and family traveling and schedules, have had to make our wedding planning very brief. We were engaged back in June and are getting married in December... and SERIOUSLY... there's SO much time to get things done. Don't stress. Take a break. Remember that it's not the details that matter. And above all...

TAKE TIME TO APPRECIATE THE MAN YOU FELL IN LOVE WITH.

if you aren't willing to do that... then why are you getting married?

Extremely Lazy Groom

Re: Extremely Lazy Groom

Choose Another Board

Search Boards