Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?

MyNameIsNot · August 2012

As long as they are inviting everyone to a vow renewal and not pretending that it's a wedding, it's fine.

shinae21 · August 2012

I think it kind of depends on why. I have known people to have a destination wedding and then have a large reception afterwards at a later date..dress and all and they are already married. They wanted the intimate ceremony but wanted all their friends and family still included..I don't see it as a deceitful way for more money and gifts. I also know people in the military that got married at the courthouse before deployment and when they come home have a wedding. Also I knew a couple that was engaged and became pregnant..for insurance purposes it was better to quick get married before the baby. A year later they had a wedding. Idk the reasoning behind why in this case. Maybe that day is special to them but its inconvenient for friends and family.

Marrin713 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:0e2dcfe2-54d6-4183-8db8-9c85be3b9635">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : HI Marrin, I'm great. Sorry I missed this post. Hope you're well too, even if you didn't have a "real" wedding, you harlot. ; )
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

I'm well, thanks.....still in rheumatological hell, but what can I do?

BTW, I prefer "jezebel." ;)

beardo1111 · August 2012

I definitely see what everyone is saying and 99 times out of 100 I would agree that having a wedding ceremony when you're already married is silly. I just think in MrsWolf's case you have to think about why they did it - it wasn't a silly reason (like getting married on a cute date - sorry to your friend OP) or a judgement call on their part (like "we couldn't afford a big wedding then, but now we can, so let's do it"). She couldn't plan the wedding she wanted initially because they were both being selfless and serving their country in combat, and I just don't think she should have to sacrifice that all together because of that reason. I guess they could have waited but if her husband wanted to go off to war with a wife back home rather than a girlfriend, I just don't think it's anyone's place to tell him that's wrong. They could just have the reception now but then she wouldn't get the whole "dad walking her down the aisle" thing which was one of the initial reasons she wanted to do it.

I just think there's an exception to every rule and in MrsWolf's case I'd cut her some slack. They're being upfront about it so ultimately its up to the guests if they want to participate, and I imagine most of her family and friends would. That's just my opinion - but I do see everyone else's points as well.

cnf2013 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:b2a1242b-e8f2-4edd-a011-6b6da6245fc9">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : First off, thank you to both you and your husband for your service to our country. I understand what everyone is saying about "real weddings" but in your case you sandwiched a quick marriage ceremony in between two DEPLOYMENTS to a WAR.....and I'm sure as hell not going to be the one to tell you you can't have whatever kind of party you want once you both are back here safe and sound. You guys risked your lives to serve your country (and all of us) - if you want to put on a white dress and have party so your friends and family can celebrate with you and call it a wedding, then go for it. I'm a military brat with two Army parents who were deployed several times while I was growing up, so I may be a bit more sensitive than others - but I think in this case you guys get a free pass. If you want to call it your "real" wedding (note it's THEIR real wedding, which has nothing to do with anyone else's wedding) then go for it.
Posted by beardo1111[/QUOTE]

<div>My brother got married as an active duty Marine. And when he found out his original wedding date was smack dab in the middle of his deployment, guess what... they changed their date and still had the wedding they already planned. They didn't run off to the courthouse then throw a party when he got back. They moved their date up a few months and had the wedding they wanted at a time that no longer conflicted with his deployment. And if they couldn't have afford it, they would have just waited until he returned. </div><div>
</div><div>A few years ago I had an ex call me up and ask me to legally marry him before he deployed so he could get the extra money... uh, no. Ever since then whenever I see couple run off to a courthouse before deployment and opt for their PPD afterwards, that's all I can think of. I know it's not always true, but it left a real sour taste in mouth. </div>

Maggie0829 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:2720e691-0fe7-499d-843f-09b25a0f54f2">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : Sorry, but I know a LOT of military and military spouses who disagree. They could have waited OR she could have had her dad walk her down the aisle in the ceremony that that they had. This idea that if you don't have a year to plan and thousands of dollars to spend your only option is a JOP with no one else there is just a flat out lie. They could have hired an officiant, chosen a free ceremony location, and had the whole thing complete with a dress and daddy walking her down the aisle for about the same price they paid for the JOP and with as little notice as her family was able to receive and still attend. I am so tired of everyone acting like going into the military means all civilians everywhere should bow down and let service men and women conduct themselves however they wish just because they are soldiers. It makes me sick, and it is why other countries hate us. I have more respect for those who fight for our country than anyone could possibly imagine, right up until they start demanding special treatment for it.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

This. I appreciate what service men and women do for our country, I know I would not be able to do what they do but when they start to demand or think that they deserve special treatment for something they volunteered for is ridiculous.

My father was a police officer for over 30 years and he thinks the special treatment we give to first responders (police, EMS, firemen, military) is ridiculous, as do I. It is a job that you sign up for out of your own free will, just like anyone else who works any other job. But why do you think that just because you may work a more dangerous job then others (again that you voluntarily signe up for knowing the risks) that you are above everyone else or that you deserve special treatment or that you don't have to follow etiquette standards is insane.

ElleB87 · August 2012

Being in the military does not give you a free pass to be an ass. You were not drafted, you enlisted. You chose to join the miliary and you knew the commitment which that entailed. You can't whine about it now and say "oh well since I'm away fighting for my country..." There are TONS of dangerous professions, both locally and internationally, that require huge time commitments, travel, etc...You're actually disrespecting the military and its members by blaming your entitlement issues on your duty. Plenty of military couples wait for their wedding day. Even if that means going without the insurance and other benefits. If you didn't want to make a sacrifice or two, why the hell did you join the effing military?!

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · August 2012

You didn't see people getting married "legally" and then coming home and having PPDs after WWII. Just saying. You either had a small wedding (or hey, even a big wedding if you could swing it) before deploying, or you waited.

And in no place did MrsWolf say either of them were actually deployed to a combat zone.

RussoWill · August 2012

FWIW, my SIL got legally married the day before her wedding because our cousin hadn't gotten ordained in time to legally perform the ceremony (church ordained and legal ordained, not the internet kind). Most, if not all guests didn't know about it. I found out a few months later. She goes by the date of the family ceremony, since that was the original plan.

also have to add in that we were married by someone who was ordained online so I am not dissing online ordained friends at all

michellesean · August 2012

Mexican couples do a civil wedding and get married at the courthouse a few days to a week before the wedding. Nobody gives gifts and the only other people there besides te bride and groom are the witnesses or witness. I know that that's done in my family because in order for the marriage to be valid it needs to be legal and 'right in the eyes of god' or so my grandfather says. Your actual wedding date is the date you have the religious ceremony. I'm not sure why other people do that. I don't know if other cultures are the same, but everyone in my family had a 'Civil' and a few days later the wedding ceremony shebang at the church with the dress and cake and flowers. I hadn't actually heard of that until I started planning my wedding and my parents mentioned it to me. I thought it was really weird and didnt want to do it but if it makes my grandfather and parents happy then why not.

beardo1111 · August 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:05996cc9-e4dc-47ba-baba-9e6fafeea73b">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]You didn't see people getting married "legally" and then coming home and having PPDs after WWII. Just saying. You either had a small wedding (or hey, even a big wedding if you could swing it) before deploying, or you waited. <strong>And in no place did MrsWolf say either of them were actually deployed to a combat zone.</strong>
Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

She said they were deployed to Afghanistan.....where there has been an ongoing conflict for the past decade..... Are you really going to argue this point? What would you call it if not a "combat zone"? My mother was military police, not infantry....so technically she wasn't in a "combat zone" but she still had to put her gas mask on during the Gulf War when scuds were falling.

If you disprove of MrsWolf having two ceremonies that's one thing.....but don't belittle the troops who are deployed in the Middle East and suffering casualties everyday by saying it's not a combat zone.

xxstardust · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:96e46829-8f59-4734-ac73-bae86adf6530">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : She said they were deployed to Afghanistan.....where there has been an ongoing conflict for the past decade..... Are you really going to argue this point? What would you call it if not a "combat zone"? My mother was military police, not infantry....so technically she wasn't in a "combat zone" but she still had to put her gas mask on during the Gulf War when scuds were falling. If you disprove of MrsWolf having two ceremonies that's one thing.....but don't belittle the troops who are deployed in the Middle East and suffering casualties everyday by saying it's not a combat zone.
Posted by beardo1111[/QUOTE]

Tell that to my friend who spent five months in Afghanistan at a post which he affectionately refers to as "Camp Cupcake." He'll tell anyone who asks that the bulk of his time overseas was spent playing Call of Duty. There ARE places that are not combat zones. I agree with you that the point is moot, but only because being deployed (in a combat zone or otherwise) doesn't entitle you to a princess party.

JanoBean75 · September 2012

I hate the idea that a wedding is only "real" if everyone you know is there, you have the dress, cake, etc. The important part -- the ceremony where two people are wedded to each other -- IS the wedding. The rest is a party and is not necessary.

If you get married in a civil ceremony, I won't side eye you if you choose to have a large party celebrating your marriage any time after -- as long as you treat it like a party and not like a reception immediately following the ceremony. And as long as you are up front about it.

If you're going having a second ceremony and pretending that's your real wedding, what date will you celebrate your anniversary? The real one, the day you signed papers? Or the pretend one where you lied in front of your friends and family?

beardo1111 · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:67ba7a46-6be7-46a4-9640-4847b81055cb">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? :<strong> Tell that to my friend who spent five months in Afghanistan at a post which he affectionately refers to as "Camp Cupcake." He'll tell anyone who asks that the bulk of his time overseas was spent playing Call of Duty. There ARE places that are not combat zones.</strong> I agree with you that the point is moot, but only because being deployed (in a combat zone or otherwise) doesn't entitle you to a princess party.
Posted by xxstardust[/QUOTE]

There are actually soldiers coming back from Afghanistan and Iraq in body bags in case you haven't heard........I wouldn't generalize your friend's experience to everyone else. Soldiers who are deployed to war zones (argue semantics if you want but that's what they are) deserve our respect. Period.

skantrowitz · September 2012

I'm okay with receptions after a civil ceremony, even those complete with dress/dances/cake/etc. I'm not okay with repeat ceremonies, except for in times like the example with the Marines when they legitimately didn't have a chance to celebrate the first time (congratulations and thank you for you service, by the way).

michellesean · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:233a9caa-d8b9-4f31-a0b9-b4e9c96641da">Re:Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : This is done in Mexico, Europe and other countries because of the LAW, not tradition. Church marriages are not legally recognized in many foreign countries. This is NOT the case in the USA, which is why we are supposed to have only one wedding here.<strong> In the USA you cannot be married in the Catholic church if you have already been married at the courthouse! The priest will refuse to do it.</strong>
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

I could be wrong, but I think the only way the priest will refuse to do it is if you get married in a courthouse more than a week before the church ceremony. I spoke to my priest about it (who also married my parents and all of my aunts and uncles on my mom's side) and there won't be an issue. He asked if we had been married before and neither of us have so maybe the only way it works is if it's the first marraige?

I wouldn't have a problem with going to a ceremony a few daysw after the couple had gone to the courthouse. I would have a problem with a couple who decide after only a year or two that they <em>can</em> actually afford the big wedding thy've always wanted and pull out all the stops with a white dress, a cake and a registry. That is not ok. If you really want the big wedding, then wait until you have the money.

When my fiance and I moved cross country my parents wanted us to get married right away because they didn't want us loiving together before marriage, but we couldn't afford it then. I wanted our wedding to have our family and friends and be a fun party for everyone so we're waiting until next summer.

daffydillie · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:233a9caa-d8b9-4f31-a0b9-b4e9c96641da">Re:Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : This is done in Mexico, Europe and other countries because of the LAW, not tradition. Church marriages are not legally recognized in many foreign countries. <strong>This is NOT the case in the USA, which is why we are supposed to have only one wedding here. In the USA you cannot be married in the Catholic church if you have already been married at the courthouse! The priest will refuse to do it.</strong>
Posted by CMGr[/QUOTE]

I am not "legally" getting married the way most people in the US do. I explained our situation to our Pastor and there was no issues what so ever. She actually agreed with us. So I dont think ALL refuse the ceremony, just some depending on the circumstances. I personally with my belief system do not believe a legal binding contract constitues a wedding, but the vows we exchange infront of our God in our house of worship is our wedding. I think what constitutes a wedding is a personal decision and varies from person to person.

wrigleyville · September 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_is-it-ok-to-already-be-married-if-youre-upfront-about-it?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:ed750ec5-38e2-4cf4-8638-9fb120e1b6efPost:0859baca-71d6-498d-b333-aa81b3355227">Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it? : There are actually soldiers coming back from Afghanistan and Iraq in body bags in case you haven't heard........I wouldn't generalize your friend's experience to everyone else. Soldiers who are deployed to war zones (argue semantics if you want but that's what they are) deserve our respect. Period.
Posted by beardo1111[/QUOTE]
You're over-reacting. She said there are SOME places that are not combat zones. She didn't say the entire area was "Camp Cupcake". Read her post again. She's right. Just because you go to the Middle East doesn't mean you're in active combat the entire time.

Regardless, I'd find it hard to sit through a pretend wedding ceremony. It's awkward. They're already married. Period. A party is fine. A second wedding is not.

MusicEBA22 · September 2012

My fiance and I are getting married on a cruise and having the wedding and reception there. It costs $455 for the licensing fees there or we could go to the courthouse down the street a few days before and pay $30. We're going to go to the courthouse and put the money we saved towards an open bar. I think it's fine if there is a good reason. If you are getting married in the same city that you live, I think you should definitely get married the day of your wedding.

Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?

Re: Is it ok to already be married if you're upfront about it?

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