stag and doe

Sspencer89 · December 2012

Help I am starting to plan our stag ad doe and have no idea what to do. I have only ever been to one and just remember them having a raffle, door prize and toonie toss for a 60 of alcohol. Anyone have any suggestions on things to do.

Thanks in advance

HobokensFury · December 2012

Although I know they are popular in some areas of Canada it doesn't make Stag and Does and less rude and tacky.

AddieCake · December 2012

I have a question about it b/c I have mixed thoughts on it. One of my bridesmaids is Canadian, so I first heard of this custom through her after her brother had his. She lives in the US and has her citizenship, got married here, so she didn't do this.

My question is: Does everyone in Canada do it? I have never heard of it anywhere else, so my apologies for only asking about Canada. I mean, is it completely standard and expected from almost everyone?

On the one hand, I think it's absurd and tacky and rude. But on the other hand, if it truly is something that the masses there do, does that still make it an etiquette breach or just a cultural difference? And since I don't really know much about it, I can't say I'm in either camp yet.

Sspencer89 · December 2012

Everyone I have talked to has never heard of an engagement party before. Everyone I know has heard of or been to a stag and doe. Lots of people we know aren't invited to the wedding because we only want a small wedding. Though they still want to support us. I don't see the big deal about it. Isn't an engagement party almost the same thing. It seems to me it is just not a party. My friends like to party so I think it will be a good thing

missfrodo · December 2012

An engagement party is thrown as a gift for the couple in celebration of their engagement. Anyone can be invited to an engagement party who will be invited to the wedding. Guests should not pay for anything at an engagement party--food, drinks, etc--and gifts are not expected.

What you (Sspencer) are talking about is not the same thing, and is considered really tacky and rude here in the US.

Ember2012 · December 2012

I mostly lurk here when I'm at work because I'm too far out from my wedding to be doing much in the way of planning or needing advice but for what it's worth I can give (at least one person's) Canadian experience.

I'm from the GTA and in Ontario it is pretty standard. I've never been to or heard of a wedding where one isn't done. It’s typically seen as a pre-wedding party much like a shower or bachelor(ette) party that the bridal party may choose to do on behalf of the couple.

From what I have seen it is mostly used as reason to have a party. I even had someone at my workplace joke (before I even met my fiance) that I needed to get married so that a stag and doe could be thrown since they enjoy them so much.

That being said, I'm not going to comment on whether its right or wrong or even try to claim that it is standard across Canada. However, based what I've read on here and my experiences it really is a regional thing just as there may be some things that are regional norms to others that would be side-eyed here.

AddieCake · December 2012

Thank you, Ember. That's what I'm needing...more Canadian feedback. In order for me to wholeheartedly agree that it's gift grabby and tacky, I would need several Canadians to speak up and say, "Oh, hell no! I would never do that, and not everyone does it here!" Until that happens, I'm just not sure it's so terrible.

JoseD12 · December 2012

As another Canadian on this site I thought I would give my opinion. I can honestly say I have never heard of a "stag and doe". With the weddings I've attended here in Manitoba the pre-wedding parties include: the bridal shower, bachellor/bachelorette (sorry about spelling) and wedding social. Engagement parties aren't the norm but there are wedding couples who have them.
"Stag & doe" sort of sound like the weddin socials I've been too. A night of raffles, prizes, friends (both good and bad), good food and cheap alcohol.

p.s. Chances are if someone around my area held a pre-wedding party and called it a "Stag and Doe" someone would come around showing off their latest "trophy" from their latest hunting trip

souptin · December 2012

Another Canadian here, I posted on our local board where this is XP but for the benefit of the Americans here I would agree that a stag and doe is tacky.
Regionally they are common enough. I live now in Toronto Ontario and NO ONE does them here(never once been invited to one in the city) but when I lived 3 hours out of the city everyone did them.

The theme of the night is to give loads of cash over to the bride and groom. IE admission is charged to get in (anywhere from $5-$20) and you play cash games and drink at a cash bar.

the theme is raising money

if thats not grabby I dont know what is.

gurrlballa10 · December 2012

My parents didn't charge any of our guests for anything at our engagement party. They also didn't raffle anything off. If you need money, go get a second job.

SB1512 · December 2012

I think stag and does are tacky, but in mine and FIs circle, stags are extremely popular and loved by all the guys in our social group. FI has gone to 3 or 4 this year, and we weren't even invited to the weddings for 2 of the guys getting marred. I asked FI if the non invites bothered him and he could have cared less. In his eyes, for $25 he gets food, booze and "man time". All his friends are already planning his stag and while part of me is cringing because I know they are viewed as tacky, the other part of me knows that the guys in our circle are very excited about planning it and attending so I'm holding back on a this is tacky lecture. If anyone tried to make it a stag and doe I'd definitely object though.....

SB1512 · December 2012

Oh and his take on the stags he attended without being invited to the wedding were "even better because he didn't have to dress up and shell out more money for a wedding gift."

SlothGoals · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_stag-and-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:df61205e-419a-4c00-8638-855042363910Post:41477c50-537a-471b-947d-1a4be620e301">Re: stag and doe</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a question about it b/c I have mixed thoughts on it. One of my bridesmaids is Canadian, so I first heard of this custom through her after her brother had his. She lives in the US and has her citizenship, got married here, so she didn't do this. My question is: Does everyone in Canada do it? I have never heard of it anywhere else, so my apologies for only asking about Canada. I mean, is it completely standard and expected from almost everyone? On the one hand, I think it's absurd and tacky and rude. But on the other hand, if it truly is something that the masses there do, does that still make it an etiquette breach or just a cultural difference? And since I don't really know much about it, I can't say I'm in either camp yet.
Posted by AddieL73[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Another Canadian weighing in!</div><div>Everyone in Canada definitely does not do this. It's a regional thing like the dollar dance is in the States. It's not a 'standard' pre-wedding party (like the shower and bachelor/bachelorette) or expected in any way.</div><div>
</div><div>That being said I've attended stag and does before and the ones I've had the most fun at are the ones where the B&G haven't thrown it themselves. The most recent one I attended was unfortunately a bit too blatant with the "we need money" message.
</div>

AddieCake · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_stag-and-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:df61205e-419a-4c00-8638-855042363910Post:8df6b7ed-9873-4915-bb6f-7394ae7dadc3">Re: stag and doe</a>:
[QUOTE]FI has gone to 3 or 4 this year, and we weren't even invited to the weddings for 2 of the guys getting marred Are you kidding me????? He actually went, and helped pay, for weddings to which the couple didn't have the decency to invite him??????
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Yeah, that's pretty screwed up. </div><div>
</div><div>OK, I'm in the against the Stag & Doe camp now. Thank you, Canadians, for weighing in!</div>

MairePoppy · December 2012

Hey Retread, they were lucky to get out for $85. Sometimes the members of the wedding party are expected to provide the prizes for those raffles, buy the raffle tickets and then donate them to the couple if they win. How's that for messed up? Here's how it's done: the close family members buy raffle tickets at the party and make a subtle (sarcasm) show of writing the bride and groom's names on the backs of their tickets to hint (sarcasm, again) that it would be a lovely gesture if everyone else would do the same. Those that don't catch on are usually shamed into donating their prizes if their names are pulled.

The wedding party is often asked to provide food for the party, sell admission (cover) tickets to anyone and everyone, not just wedding guests. In fact, sometimes tickets are sold to people who don't even know the b&g. If you do know the b&g, you are expected to buy admission tickets, whether or not you are able to attend.

The proceeds from the party are intended to help the b & g pay for their wedding. So the $85 that the couple spent at the stag and doe was used to pay for their meal at the wedding. These parties are the epitome of greed.

Edit - spelling

SB1512 · December 2012

I completely agree retread and Marie. However several months ago I brought up stags on the etiquette board because they are so popular in my social circle for grooms, and my FI and his friends LOVE attending them, even if they ARE NOT invited to the weddings. The consensus seemed to be that yes they are rude, but a lot of men aren't super versed on etiquette and seem to enjoy food, booze, prizes and man time for a decent price in our circle 25 gets you in the door, food and booze and at least 2 raffle tickets, which is cheaper than a regular boys night out, so letting it slide if its socially acceptable among the social circle is ok. Many women on the thread did say however they would have objected to making a stag a stag and doe party.

SB1512 · December 2012

Retread: I tried to find the thread but I know I posted it during a time when the knot was hungry several times a day and I'm pretty sure it got eaten. And, I had posted on the e-board before sh*t hit the fan and all the knowledgable regs left, and trust me, I was pretty surprised that the question about the tackiness of them received so many "yeah it's tacky but guys seem to love them" response.

We always tell people that invitations to weddings, showers, etc are not a summons and the same goes for a stag invite. If my FI (and all other guys who get invites to them) did want to go, he (they) wouldn't......but in all honestly, FI gets so excited when he gets invited to them, and yes, he knows full well that the fture couple will profit off of his attendance. I'm not about to order him not to attend one because it's tacky, it's his choice to go, and a choice he seems quite happy with.

I will also add that of all the stags he has been to, he has never shelled out more money than the cost of an admission ticket, and has never been pressured to buy additional raffle tickets or shell out more cash. Not that it excuses the tackiness, but to be honest, the $25 he spends for unlimited food and drink at a stag is a heck of a lot better deal than if he were to just go out with the guys for a non-wedding related guys night out.

MairePoppy · December 2012

SB - I believe you. Your fi and his friends get excited about these events and they are all consenting adults.

Here's the thing-if the guys chip in $25, or whatever, to buy food and drinks for the evening, there is no breach of etiquette. If they sell tickets to a party where there will be additional fundraising, that changes the objective of the party.

Retread - thanks for the laugh. Keep fighting the good fight.

lmorgan13 · December 2012

Another Canadian from Manitoba giving imput.

A social in Manitoba is the same thing as a Stag and Doe in other places. I honestly have more fun at them than I do going to the bar. Also, I've been to numerous socials where I don't even know the bride and groom, it's not a requirement. I find that the most fun ones are usually attributed to a holiday (especially Halloween). My father has been to a social on Halloween for the last 4 years at least.

It's just a fun way to get togther and help out other couples. I fully intend on having one before I get married. I know very few people that didn't have a social before getting married.

lmorgan13 · December 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_pre-wedding-parties_stag-and-doe?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:32Discussion:df61205e-419a-4c00-8638-855042363910Post:c9906e34-3214-4182-b8ea-d36657d798de">Re: stag and doe</a>:
[QUOTE]know very few people that didn't have a social before getting married. And it isn't possible to have a social event without charging your guests to attend it?
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]

<div>Of course it's possible. People do it everyday. This just isn't one of those times for us.</div>

berrycrazygirl13 · March 2013

Everyone has their opinion... Some think they are great, some hate them, and some are on the fence. In the end it is the couples decision and based on where you live, your age, your friends etc. When I got engaged everyone at work kept asking if we were having one because around the GTA in Ontario it is seen as a social gathering.

In my circle of friends we all pitch in for food when we have a gathering at someone's house and bring our own alcohol instead of leaving it up to the hosts. If you were to have a bar night, everyone would pay for their own cover, drinks, food, transportation, hotel, etc. A guest going to a stag and doe is still in the end covering the same costs, just the profit is now going to the Bride and Groom instead of the establishments.

A stag and doe to me, is a fun night that allows you to have a good time with all your friends and family (not just those who are invited to your wedding). Most people cannot afford to invite everyone they would like and therefore this is part of getting married. I enjoy attending them, I always buy ticket to support those I know who are having one even if I cannot make it.

It is common for the wedding party to do all the planning, and run the show the night of. They are expected to put their own money out for the supplies. Some brides and grooms give what they spent back, others don't. I have heard of parents paying for all the alcohol if you are lucky enough to find a hall that will let you do the bar yourself. Some wont even allow outside food. Most are between $10-$20 a ticket, all inclusive styles are more.

Our stag and doe is 2 weeks away. I feel as if money is tight for everyone and I can tell you, so far it has been very expensive to gather everything you need and a lot of work!! But in the end we are the ones profiting from it and therefore almost everything has been done by us - not the wedding party. They are expected to help cook/prepare food, help set up and of course run everything during that night so my fiance and I can enjoy it without the worry. We are looking forward to it, and so is everyone who plans to come.

vikinggirl4 · May 2013

Another Canadian here, and while I cannot attest to what a Stag and Doe is, I just want to clarify our Manitoba Socials. Yes, we (the bride and groom, wedding party & parents) sell tickets ($10 is the norm) for entry and also help to collect donated prizes (although yes, some people feel the need to purchase prizes) BUT in our case, we (the bride and groom) footed the hall rental, DJ and food (my dad footed the booze as a gift). This is much more of a party than anything, a chance for people who are not going to be invited to the wedding to come out and have a dance and a drink with us. They are a huge deal in Manitoba, and many parents (mine as an example) balk at the idea of not having a shower, because they get to bring out their friends to say "yay! our kids are getting married!" And as for being a "money grab", the $10 is the least amount someone needs to pay to get in through the door. Extras are the booze (pop and juice is free) and prize/raffle tickets. Food is free, and really, it's a great time. So please, when it comes to a Manitoba Social, don't knock it 'til you try it.

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