Poor wedding etiquette? You be the judge

lmilani · August 2010

Hi there,

Faced with a huge dilemma...

A friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, I agreed. The wedding is now over and I am still debating whether or not to buy her a gift....

Facts:

- The wedding cost over $90,000 (and this is the first one, there is a second one that will be happening shortly in the bride's home country)

- There were 10 bridesmaids - each of us had to pay for our own bridesmaid dresses which we had no input on...they cost is $500 each (including hemming)

- Bridesmaids had to pay $60 on the day of the bridal shower plus the cost of the bridal gift

- Bridesmaids had to pay for their own hair ($50), and their own mani/pedis ($40) and take care of their own makeup on the day of the wedding

- Some bridesmaids had to spend $600 on the plane ticket to fly there to be at the wedding

- None of the bridesmaids received any gift

- The bride's dress alone cost $12,000, not including her $1000 earrings and her $800 Louboutins and her $600 party dress

My dilemma.....this wedding has rendered a few of us broke as heck to say the least. One girl ended spent $1600 in total, another $1300. Nobody dared to speak up and say anything.

I know it's the thought that counts and I'm a little bitter about having to spend any more money on a gift when I'm personally in debt (I owe about $6000 on my line of credit right now).

Can any one give some advice? Share an opinion? A few of us really have no idea what to do.

amandag33 · August 2010

She should be buying you a gift!

janedoe1113a · August 2010

My question is why you wouldn't say something about how much money the bride was asking you to spend. If you're already in debt, you should speak before letting someone else manage your money.

bbyckes · August 2010

I think you've given her plenty. I really would say send a nice card with genuine heartfelt well-wishes. Ugh. That sounds like a nightmare.

bellebride116 · August 2010

I dunno, maybe it's just me but I would still give a gift. She asked you to be a bridesmaid and you said yes, and I think a gift should still be given, even if it's small. I don't think it matters how much SHE spent on her wedding. Just because she was bad and didn't give you guys a thank you gift for being in the bridal party doesn't mean you should follow and not give a gift either. HOWEVER, I also wouldn't have spent so much without saying something, especially if I was that uncomfortable with it.

kpwedkk · August 2010

I would have been bold and spoke up. Not everyone has a um $90k wedding, but geez.

Send a card, with heartfelt words as bbyckes said, that is more meaningful than any gift that you can give one that has everything already. Also if you took any pictures, maybe include that

amberlynned · August 2010

I agree with the PPs. I would call her & tell her how you can't really afford to get her a nice gift and instead just get her a nice card. Is there anything inexpensive yet meaningful you could get her that could be really special?

On one hand, her wedding was insanely expensive, but you did agree to be her bridesmaid in the beginning. It would have been better if you had said something sooner than now, but with the phone call, the card, and the meaningful trinket, you'll be fine.

[Deleted User] · August 2010

I responded to this post on the other board.

awick14 · August 2010

A gift is not mandatory at a wedding. I am very suprise that she never gave the wedding party any gifts. We are just asking the girls to spend about $100 on the dresses and they can choose their own shoes, they do not have to have hair or makeup done if they don't want. and we are still giving them each gifts as they are doing us the honour and standing next to us on our big day!

smore154 · August 2010

I don't know the "proper" etiquette, which I'm sure Google can give you insight to, but my mother always told me if you are invited, you send a gift. You can give wedding gifts a year from the wedding. Maybe take some time and get something at a later date. My personal feeling is, I would still get a gift. I was in a wedding where I spent close to 1,000 (bachelorette weekend, dress, shoes, hair, makeup) and I still gave them a monetary gift.

Theresa626 · August 2010

Send her a very nice card thanking her for letting you be part of her special day and letting her know you enjoyed the wedding. No gift is necessary. WHile you guys spent way more than the normal bridesmaid on the dress, most brides don't pay for their bridesmaid's hair or make up.

Was the sixty bucks to help pay for the bridal shower? If so, the bride probably didn't have any input in that as she most likely didn't plan it.

If she required you to get a mani/pedi professionally, she should've paid for it. If you decided to get it professionally, I don't think she would be required to pay for it.

Also, it would've been nice if she had asked you about the price of the dress before picking it. However, you could've spoken up and you chose not to so I don't really think it's fair to blame her here either.

She really should've gotten you gifts. That is not very good wedding etiquette.

But, everyone makes mistakes. Not everyone reads the knot and is up on good etiquette. Sometimes people honestly don't know they are supposed to get the bridal party gifts. I would just let it go. You enjoyed a very nice wedding and don't think about the cost anymore. Don't let it affect your friendship. Also, don't feel the need to send a gift. I'm sure she'll understand.

A few of my bridesmaids did not give their own gift although collectively, they gave me one card and a bottle of wine. I understood that they spend money on travel and dresses and why they didn't each get me a gift and that is fine.

loop0406 · August 2010

I would still buy a gift because

a) you agreed to be BM
b) you should have asked in advance how much it would cost you
c) a gift to the bridal party is not a requirement for the bride
d) you and the others should have told her $500 for dress was ridiculous

budvar1012 · August 2010

I would just get her a card and call it good.

tiffersnc · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_poor-wedding-etiquette-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:1b9b9a45-745f-4ff8-a58d-0a61015f6d92Post:820cd008-0f5a-42bd-82db-3b6e81d5be93">Re: Poor wedding etiquette? You be the judge</a>:
[QUOTE]I responded to this post on the other board.
Posted by MissySue20[/QUOTE]

<div>Ditto this. I knew I wasn't going crazy.</div>

Mioh1 · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_poor-wedding-etiquette-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:1b9b9a45-745f-4ff8-a58d-0a61015f6d92Post:5a208cbf-6dd1-4cd4-b9d2-2cdbc8e3e1ff">Re: Poor wedding etiquette? You be the judge</a>:
[QUOTE]I dunno, maybe it's just me but I would still give a gift. <strong>She asked you to be a bridesmaid and you said yes, and I think a gift should still be given, even if it's small.</strong> I don't think it matters how much SHE spent on her wedding. Just because she was bad and didn't give you guys a thank you gift for being in the bridal party doesn't mean you should follow and not give a gift either. HOWEVER, I also wouldn't have spent so much without saying something, especially if I was that uncomfortable with it.
Posted by bellebride116[/QUOTE]

Even if she's being inconsiderate you shouldn't. I would get her a picture of us on girls night out and frame it. It's small and thoughtful.

Bellebride116 you probably heard this alot already but you had a beautiful wedding!

Belle2Be · August 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-recap-withdrawal_poor-wedding-etiquette-judge?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:12Discussion:1b9b9a45-745f-4ff8-a58d-0a61015f6d92Post:ced22020-b823-45e1-9d2f-b34d4c6f65f2">Poor wedding etiquette? You be the judge</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi there, Faced with a huge dilemma... A friend asked me to be her bridesmaid, I agreed. The wedding is now over and I am still debating whether or not to buy her a gift.... Facts: - The wedding cost over $90,000 (and this is the first one, there is a second one that will be happening shortly in the bride's home country) - There were 10 bridesmaids - each of us had to pay for our own bridesmaid dresses which we had no input on...they cost is $500 each (including hemming) - Bridesmaids had to pay $60 on the day of the bridal shower plus the cost of the bridal gift - Bridesmaids had to pay for their own hair ($50), and their own mani/pedis ($40) and take care of their own makeup on the day of the wedding - Some bridesmaids had to spend $600 on the plane ticket to fly there to be at the wedding - None of the bridesmaids received any gift - The bride's dress alone cost $12,000, not including her $1000 earrings and her $800 Louboutins and her $600 party dress My dilemma.....this wedding has rendered a few of us broke as heck to say the least. One girl ended spent $1600 in total, another $1300. Nobody dared to speak up and say anything. I know it's the thought that counts and I'm a little bitter about having to spend any more money on a gift when I'm personally in debt (I owe about $6000 on my line of credit right now). Can any one give some advice? Share an opinion? A few of us really have no idea what to do.
Posted by lmilani[/QUOTE]

RebeccaB88 · August 2010

Sorry, but if you can afford a $90,000 wedding but can't fork over for bridesmaids dresses and pedicures, then there is something very wrong. How. Rude. Sounds like she took you guys for granted, and you were too afraid of her to speak up and stand up for yourselves.

I would not send a gift or a card. I would probably not even want to continue the friendship after this. No thank-you anything for going into debt for her princess day? Beyond, beyond rude. And cheap.

However... it is partly your fault for not standing up and telling her you couldn't afford what she wanted. Doesn't excuse her rudeness, but how is she to know what you feel unless you tell her?

goetzr19 · August 2010

She doesn't deserve a gift. You forked over enough money, and if she can afford such an expensive wedding, spending $50-$100 on each bridesmaid for a gift is a drop in the bucket. I like the idea of sending her a nice picture of the two of you, but there is no reason you need to give her a gift after all that. That is absolutely ridiculous and I hope she gets a cold dose of reality!

megandjay · August 2010

I would send a card and a picture (from one of the wedding events) in a frame.

Yes, she should not have required you to spend so much money, but you should have been upfront about your budget before too. And she should have given you a thank you gift.

lrowe70 · August 2010

If she is your friend then get her a gift.

Everything else aside, since when do FRIENDS not get FRIENDS gifts?

CaseyandSalley · September 2010

Id go to the dollar store and get her a picture frame and card from there $2.00. . . . not bad haha
My FI is laughing at me as I type this by the way lol

sister2groom · September 2010

I think basing whether or not you get her a gift on what OTHER bridesmaids spent is a little odd.

cmmosley81 · September 2010

I think that spending that much is crazy and you should have told her BEFORE hand that you couldnt afford it. I would do a card. My question is you said her second wedding is in her home country do you have to go to that one as well? If so I think I would let her know that you can not afford to take that trip. If I told my BM's they had to spend that much they would have killed me!

Poor wedding etiquette? You be the judge

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