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Snarky Brides

need to vent long

I feel like my fiance is acting like a child. I love him but I'm fed up! hes gone into work two days late, called into work three hours late cause he was "to tired to go" because he woke up at 9:40 to take me to physical therapy. First of all, this is not why hes so tired. He's so tired cause at 1 this morning him and two of his male friends decided to go on a road trip to a small town four hours or so a way and he didn't get home till 7. I know this becuase thats when he decided to come crawl into bed waking me up.

Also this is isn't the first night this week he's gone out, he's been going out every night for two weeks. At first I was trying to keep up but it's just making me sick, I go to work at 3 or 4 in the afternoon and don't leave work till 1 at the earliest. He doesn't contribute to cleaning just to the mess. It's gotten to the point i resent having to clean cause i go to work and clean, I come home and clean, i go to work and cook all night, i come home and he complaines that he's hungry so i make a frozen pizza cause im tired and he complaines we always eat pizza, I also am the one who does all our laundry. I'm tired and frustrated. And it's getting worse now that he's talking about quitting his job wanting to up at move us half way across the country! I'm freaked out and can't help worrying. I dont make near enough to support the two of us since i only make minimum wage and I know I'd still be the one doing the cooking and cleaning.

I love my mother in law, but its starting to be really hard for me not to blame her for his attitude. She's babied him, his sisters, and his dad since day one. He doesn't even know how to cook. I'm frustrated and at wits end! how do i deal? I don't want to end things. I love him, I've just had enough of his up all night sleep all day, blowing off appointments, not helpful mentality. And while i hate having to vent I just need advice and help. I can't take anymore of doing all the house work, planning our wedding, and an affirmation of ceremony for my family, and now the stress of the possibility of being the sole bread winner. okay vent over now.
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Re: need to vent long

  • You need to have a talk with him and tell him that he needs to grow up, get a job and help you out or you will end things. You need to stand by what you say. It will only get worse when you are married.
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  • NebbNebb member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Im sorry but that shiit would not fly. Do you want to be with an irresponsible child for the rest of your life? Has he always been like this or is this a new development?
  • Someone who acts that irresponsible and immature is not ready to get married. He either needs to shape the hell up or you need to leave. Your husband should be your partner, not dead weight. 
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  • edited March 2012
    he's 23 and im 21. this is a new thing. he used to stay home with me, go to work no complaints even though he didnt like it he used to help me with cleaning and laundry. i've flat out told him i'm starting to resent his attitudes and since he wouldn't change them on his own were in counsling through our church. I've told him I wont stand for it for a while it seemed like he was starting to change and sometimes i feel like im being overly sensative about this. but i've learned if im this upset there is a reason. I'm mostly frustrated cause i want to know what happened to the man who was my partner! i wouldn't give him the time of day originally cause i thought he was immature, i was working long hours at an over night job care giving, and he was up all night partying and drinking. I told him i wouldn't even be around him till he got a job and got it together. then he did and i really thought it was a permanant change. but it feels like lately we have more problems then happy times. being honest all of this has made it hard for me want to stay faithful. cause i feel like im doing it all by myself.
  • You must be marrying my ex-husband.
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    Do not mess in the affairs of dinosaurs because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
    I love you Missy. Even though you are not smart enough to take online quizzes to find out really important information. ~cew
  • NebbNebb member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Seriously. Youre young. Just end it and find someone who doesnt suck.
  • In Response to Re:need to vent long:[QUOTE]You must be marrying my exhusband. Posted by missy68[/QUOTE]Did you marry MY ex?

    But seriously OP, it kind of sounds like he tried to change to please you and is now relaxing into his old ways. Bravo on counseling, along with being honest
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-to-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:03da9504-2969-4e83-b0af-bbec0587a257Post:b78c1ccf-5304-4d5e-a70d-b2266eb5a8b4">Re: need to vent long</a>:
    [QUOTE]he's 23 and im 21. <strong>this is a new thing.</strong> he used to stay home with me, go to work no complaints even though he didnt like it he used to help me with cleaning and laundry. i've flat out told him i'm starting to resent his attitudes and since he wouldn't change them on his own were in counsling through our church. I've told him I wont stand for it for a while it seemed like he was starting to change and sometimes i feel like im being overly sensative about this. but i've learned if im this upset there is a reason. I'm mostly frustrated cause i want to know what happened to the man who was my partner! i wouldn't give him the time of day originally cause i thought he was immature, i was working long hours at an over night job care giving, and he was up all night partying and drinking. I told him i wouldn't even be around him till he got a job and got it together. then he did and i really thought it was a permanant change. but it feels like lately we have more problems then happy times. being honest all of this has made it hard for me want to stay faithful. cause i feel like im doing it all by myself.
    Posted by LAMuehlen[/QUOTE]

    <div>It's not really new if he was like this before though. It's hard for people to *really* change. Not saying it's impossible but it doesn't come easy.</div>
  • If you're not wanting to stay faithful, end it.

    Honestly, it sounds like he pretended to do what you wanted to get you and now he's back to being his old self. It also sounds like he's not going to change.
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  • Crap, mobile knot, I did NOT click post! Continued... counseling and being honest like it sounds like you are is probably your best move. That, and planning on a long engagement. GL!
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  • my biggest frustration is the last time i went out with him, we went out with one of my coworkers he made friends with, out at the bar he let some random girl hit on him no problem while i sat with my coworker drinking, then when we were dancing he just walked off and left me standing there with my coworker awkwardly. im really hurt that he had made progress and just regressed back into his party boy ways after everything. we were supposed to go to counsling thursday but now hes blowing it off to go shopping with his sisters and their boyfriends and didn't even invite me, cause "I wouldn't have fun." What am i supposed to do, go to marriage counseling with our pastor by myself? I'm starting to wonder if im making the right choice since i feel so lonely when he goes out everynight without instead of just staying home with me.
  • NebbNebb member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    I feel like im at the red flag convention...
  • celticmysscelticmyss member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-to-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:03da9504-2969-4e83-b0af-bbec0587a257Post:34870a21-3e09-4e6f-8e5d-cda78e932065">Re: need to vent long</a>:
    [QUOTE]my biggest frustration is the last time i went out with him, we went out with one of my coworkers he made friends with, out at the bar he let some random girl hit on him no problem while i sat with my coworker drinking, then when we were dancing he just walked off and left me standing there with my coworker awkwardly. im really hurt that he had made progress and just regressed back into his party boy ways after everything. <strong>we were supposed to go to counsling thursday but now hes blowing it off to go shopping </strong>with his sisters and their boyfriends and didn't even invite me, cause "I wouldn't have fun." What am i supposed to do, go to marriage counseling with our pastor by myself? I'm starting to wonder if im making the right choice since i feel so lonely when he goes out everynight without instead of just staying home with me.
    Posted by LAMuehlen[/QUOTE]

    <div>Respect is one of if not the most important things in a relationship. And he isn't showing you any respect. Move on with your life and leave him. I know that sounds hard and painful and terrible but as someone who was in a similar position (I was engaged at 18 to a very similar guy) it was one of the best decisions I ever made.</div><div>
    </div><div>It's also much easier and less messy to call off a wedding than it is to get divorced. </div>
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  • Honestly, he sounds like a typical selfish, immature 23 year-old guy. I agree with PP that he likely never changed, he just pretended to make you stop nagging him, or to get you to go out with him in the first place. 

    If he's not willing to change, and you don't want to be with someone like that, then it's time to move on. Don't be unfaithful, just leave.
  • In Response to Re:need to vent long:[QUOTE]What am i supposed to do, go to marriage counseling with our pastor by myself? I'm starting to wonder if im making the right choice since i feel so lonely when he goes out everynight without instead of just staying home with me. Posted by LAMuehlen[/QUOTE]Um, yeah, it won't hurt! Your pastor can explain what would typically be addressed with the couple and specifically counsel you on these issues. It doesn't sound like your FI is ready for this commitment, and your pastor can help equip you with how to address this in a healthy way.
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  • im starting to feel that way too. I feel like he's cheating on me. i just don't know how to catch him since he wont go out with me, and never lets his phone sit and never lets me near it. that's why i really think he is. i have no problem handing over my phone to him if he needs it but he doesn't even want me to see his phone to turn on the gps. im not dumb! he's being suspect and why else would he go on a road trip with friends at 1 in the morning.
  • I would seriously re-think this relationship. Seriously. He sounds very immature and you sound like you already think you aren't fully invested in the relationship. 


  • NebbNebb member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    Yeah, you know what you need to know. Its hard, but it sounds like the best option. You shouldnt be carrying this doucher.
  • i really hoped this would work its self out. but im getting frustrated i can't talk to him without him blowing up and loosing his temper(something we've talked about) I don't deal well with fighting do too a history of abusive relationships, and i'm sick of his sailors mouth, and him trying to convince me to dye my hair blonde. I"M A BRUNETTE! I LOVE MY DARK BROWN HAIR! I AM NOT A BLONDE NEVER WANTED TO BE ONE NEVER WILL! I'm frustrated and need advice on how to talk to him without sparking a fight.
  • I agree with all the ladies here. Age really isn't the main issue here it's maturity and communication. If you even suspect that he is cheating then that's a huge issue right there.
  • Dump him. I mean, I can't really be more blunt. 

    What a douche if he's trying to convince you to change your appearance.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-to-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:17Discussion:03da9504-2969-4e83-b0af-bbec0587a257Post:30110510-d879-4035-9aba-e2b0ab23d660">Re: need to vent long</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, you know what you need to know. Its hard, but it sounds like the best option. You shouldnt be carrying this doucher.
    Posted by Nebb[/QUOTE]

    This.

    You've spelled it all out here, and based on what you've said, if he's not cheating, the immaturity alone and lack of respect for your feelings are enough. And you're right, there is no reason to make those last-minute road trips.
  • thanks for all the advice, Its frustrating to deal with. but it appears him in and i need to have a long very serious talk.
  • I know you haven't said as much, but considering your comments on not wanting to spark a fight with him and previous abusive relationships... your church can recommend further resources to help you safely get out of this relationship if that's what you need.
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  • If H was pressuring me to dye my hair, I can't even imagine how pissed I'd be. That would be serious grounds for a breakup. I mean, I have no problem with a suggestion, but to keep bugging me about it? That's beyond disrespectful. This guy sounds like a tool.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-to-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:03da9504-2969-4e83-b0af-bbec0587a257Post:6b881527-b15a-4535-b2d3-e5502d561e02">Re: need to vent long</a>:
    [QUOTE]If you can't have a calm, rationale discussion, then I would be very concerned. My ex-FI was like that. He's an EX for a reason.<strong> If his temper is this bad now, it's probably going to get wors</strong>e. If you tell him what's on your mind, how you're feeling, in a factual, non-confrontational way and he can't handle it without getting angry? Whoa. <strong>Thats not a trusting adult healthy relationship.</strong>
    Posted by jcbsjr[/QUOTE]

    Ditto the first bolded part.

    I had an ex in high school that would purposely start fights with me because "that's what happens in a healthy relationship". Yeaaaaahhh.
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  • our sex life has gone down the drain. i feel like its because i can't see him as sexy anymore when he pressures me about my looks and acts like this. im loosing my mind!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_snarky-brides_need-to-vent-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:17Discussion:03da9504-2969-4e83-b0af-bbec0587a257Post:c0485b1d-8c4f-4f19-a263-5e0e56829007">Re: need to vent long</a>:
    [QUOTE]our sex life has gone down the drain. i feel like its because i can't see him as sexy anymore when he pressures me about my looks and acts like this. im loosing my mind!
    Posted by LAMuehlen[/QUOTE]
    If you can't even feel confident in yourself enough to be in your underwear around hi, there is a problem.  Clearly he isn't treating your ight if you are that upset about your appearance, and what he thinks of it. He should embrace your beauty, not destroy it.
  • thanks. its hard for me to swallow my pride right now. im feeling pissed and stupid for rushing. I wish I had listened to people when they reminded me that just because i might be ready to settle down he might not be. how to know your man isn't ready to settle down. Strippers hes friends with friend request you on facebook. yeah. I've gotten three friend requests from strippers he's 'friends with' AHAHAHAHHA friends, that's funny I don't give my friends one dollar bills to take their clothes i give them dollar bills to chip in for post work food and drinks.
  • It will be hard now, but what if it turns into not just emotional abuse, but physical after you are married?  It is so much better to get out now while it's just words, and before you are married or have children.  

    I mean seriously, think of what would happen if you ended up married with a child.  How would he treat them?  Probably not any better than he treats you.
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