Worst idea ever

jcamm11 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:01a459a7-7dfc-417a-ad23-4afa7c40ab6a">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I, myself, am writing a letter right now that will go out to family asking for money or our wedding. My fiance and I have struggled for almost a year to stay afloat and while we are now both working, we still have no money for the low-cost, simple wedding we have planned. So we are going to send out a nice looking letter telling them our plans, how we already have all that we need (thanks to my dad and brother moving and down sizing), and that we need money for a wedding to even be possible. Like my situation, or others, if you need the money, then it is ok to ask for it. Just do it tactfully. </strong>
Posted by Zekina734[/QUOTE]

May we see this letter?<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

snwilson0416 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:29a633fa-bfdb-4aea-8eb9-0d09fafb58ac">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worst idea ever : There are other things to register for than just dishes and silverware. Camping supplies, movies, books, art, picture frames for wedding photos etc. If you end up with dishes you don't want or need take them back get a gift card and buy groceries if you must. We were struggling too and still are but we still tried to be polite. The guests are part of the day, just because you are the ones getting married doesn't mean you have a right to be impolite. We paid for the whole thing and couldn't afford a HM, we certainly didn't ask our guests to provide one. HM's should be included in a wedding budget, not the gifts.
Posted by KaylaSue19[/QUOTE]
I know. I wasn't speaking out in favor of honeymoon registries at all. I was responding to someone else saying they were writing a letter to their families asking for money to pay for their wedding.

Jenn Anne · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:899408f3-9757-417d-8a12-c4b66267896e">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm marrying someone who is going to seminary to be a pastor. We will be poor but happy. We each have a one bedroom apartment right now, and have all of the necessities for living. When we get married he'll move into my apartment. We don't have room for nor a need for a toaster or iron, much less china, silver, or crystal. By the time we may have a need for such things, if ever, I'm sure my taste will have changed. Since it is a fact that people WILL want to give gifts, why in the world would it be wrong or tacky to tactfully and eloquently tell them how they can give us something that will actually benefit our future life together? If you really think about it...how is it any less tacky to tell them EXACTLY which expensive appliance you want from William Sonoma?
Posted by malmarie12[/QUOTE]

I completely agree with you. I don't really understand what makes something "tacky" jsut because someone considers it tacky doesn't make it so. I love your point here though! It's excelent!

sedarcreek · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:3ebdfdbb-d719-4cb0-830f-7fde6cbe71a1">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worst idea ever : If someone was so hard up they couldn't afford a turkey dinner for their immediate family, I would really wonder why they were inviting me to a wedding in the first place. It would make sense to me that they should just go to a JP, and use the wedding money to buy food and pay bills.
Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]

Though I appreciate the sentiment, in reality 63% of Americans are 1.5 paycheques away from bankrupcy or the poverty line, so my point was that perhaps in an economy that is so uncertain and turbulant, helping someone, i.e. a couple you love that's getting married create security, can be a great way to share a piece of yourself and you heart. Rather than buying something that will collect dust in a cupboard. I'm a firm believer that people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones and one of the amazing things about people is that they don't need yur approval or your judgement, just your love. So pick what works for you and enjoy the experience that begins a life long journey.

goonie01 · October 2010

My fiance and I are getting married at a point in our lives when we have both lived on our own for several years, and together for 1 year, so we really have TOO MUCH stuff. Since we feel so blessed, we registered for charity. We hand selected a few charities that mean something to us, and placed descriptions of them and their value to us on the gift registry portion of our website. Instead of a "gift table" we will have a table set up with descriptions of the charitiees and a donation box from which we will disperse afeter the wedding. I think there are also websites you can visit where people can donate online as well. www.charitywatch.org can help you choose charities that use their money efficiently.

Goldlie11 · October 2010

For the last time... YOU DON'T HAVE TO REGISTER FOR TANGIBLE GIFTS IF YOU DON'T WANT THEM. You just don't register. Most people will give cash or a gift of their choosing. Almost all of these money registries charge a fee (except Honeyfund). Why would you want to give some of your gift money (usually 5%+) to some company when you can keep 100% of the cash or checks that you get?

Think about it. Let's say you get $10,000 at your wedding. You used a money registry which takes 7%. So, in fact $700 of you wedding money went to fees. Now you have $9,300. That's a lot of money. Not to mention now there are strings attached to the money.

To those of you (usually with very few post counts) who keep coming here and saying it's great, please read the whole thread. No one said you have to register for "stuff" that you don't need.

jcamm11 · October 2010

If your child was having a birthday party, would you allow them to get on the phone with your relatives and tell them they only wanted toys, so no sweaters please?

Coming out and asking for cash is turning your nose up at any other gift (a nice and unnessecary gesture) your guests may have been planning to give you. It would be no different than enclosing a note that said, "we'd really prefer if everyone just bought off our registry, as these are things we will actually use." It's insulting any other heartfelt gesture. Saying you prefer cash is equivalent to saying you don't appreciate other gifts. What if your grandmother was going to hand make you a throw blanket to match your couch? Or someone already ordered you something engraved? You just told them not to bother, it really won't be appreciated. If you don't need "stuff," don't register for any, but don't come out and ask people not to buy you tangible items.

Why is making a registry different? It's like a child making out a christmas list. It's a wish list that is available to guests for their convenience. It takes the stress out for them to know two other people aren't going to buy you the same thing. If it is a good registry, it will have many items and many price points, so your guests don't feel like they are required to buy any certain item. Giving people more options and ideas is always appreciated, excluding things that are normally an option is not.

abetxibear · October 2010

After reading through all these posts I just can't get over how judgmental some people are. Seriously? It's just another example of how people try to constantly push their beliefs on others. People are getting so angry just because their posts didn't help convert someone to their side. People should be able to do whatever they feel is right for their own situations, be that a traditional registry, no registry at all, or a nice honeymoon that they wouldn't be able to pay for otherwise. I just wanted to tell all the judgmental people out there to get over yourselves. Do whatever you want, but don't judge others just because they don't feel the same way.

kathrynhabibti · October 2010

ZOMG I can't believe how mean you girls are!! It's their day and people should be able to do whatever they want and no one should say anything!!!!11!

(jcamm, I think you should C/P that post of yours for others' future reference. It's good advice.)

jcamm11 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:e3fe9b1d-2bc2-452c-a190-ff60c076a1b5">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]ZOMG I can't believe how mean you girls are!! It's their day and people should be able to do whatever they want and no one should say anything!!!!11! (jcamm, I think you should C/P that post of yours for others' future reference. It's good advice.)
Posted by kathrynhabibti[/QUOTE]

LOL to first part, and thank you to second<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />!

kirieli923 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:0c818017-b661-474f-a75d-1a7419cbbdab">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]So.... because you're struggling, you should put that right in your guests' faces and make it their business? <strong>What I've said is the proper etiquette</strong>. If you feel it's so "Leave It To Beaver" (a comparison that doesn't even make any sense, btw), then just leave it alone. But for people who actually want to do the polite thing? They now know how to. I'm sorry you don't like what the etiquette on the matter is, but it is still the proper etiquette. Some people actually care about that stuff.
Posted by kathrynhabibti[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but you are not the last authority on proper etiquette. This is your (and probably your family's) opinion. Other people and other familes and other communities have other ideas of what constitutes "proper etiquette."

More importantly, etiquette is not an unchanging concept. As times change, etiquette must follow suit. It is a reflection of current lifestyles and sensibilities. And these are different times with different lifestyles.

kathrynhabibti · October 2010

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worst idea ever : <strong> I'm sorry, but you are not the last authority on proper etiquette. </strong> <strong>This is your (and probably your family's) opinion. </strong> Other people and other familes and other communities have other ideas of what constitutes "proper etiquette." More importantly, etiquette is not an unchanging concept. As times change, etiquette must follow suit. It is a reflection of current lifestyles and sensibilities. And these are different times with different lifestyles.
Posted by kiridrew[/QUOTE]
<em>I'm not?? omg, why the hell didn't anybody tell me??</em>

Telling me I'm not the last authority on proper etiquette. That was cute! You're right though... this is my and my family's opinion, but it's also a WHOLE LOT of other people's opinion.

There are good ways to get cash gifts for your wedding. Pushing your money woes in your guests' faces is not one of them.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:01a459a7-7dfc-417a-ad23-4afa7c40ab6a">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE] Like my situation, or others, if you need the money, then it is ok to ask for it.
Posted by Zekina734[/QUOTE]

No, it's not. It's never okay to beg for money. If you have food, clothing and shelter, you don't NEED the money. If you don't have basic necessities, let us know and we can point you to resources in your area that are there to help people like you.

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:4d13638d-3e08-4c62-915a-1c4ae9bd203c">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]Why? We already have most things we'd normaly register for. In lieu of registering we are using something like that to help us pay for the honey moon and/or put towards our first house. How is this different from giving a giftcard?
Posted by adriacw[/QUOTE]

The difference is that you're asking for it. As others have said, you don't need to register for money. It's not like it comes in different brands, colors and styles. Cash is cash. You can use it for everything.

jcamm11 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:2a8bd300-6ade-4e34-90f9-04bfce1463ff">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worst idea ever :<strong> I'm sorry, but you are not the last authority on proper etiquette.</strong> This is your (and probably your family's) opinion. Other people and other familes and other communities have other ideas of what constitutes "proper etiquette." More importantly, etiquette is not an unchanging concept. As times change, etiquette must follow suit. It is a reflection of current lifestyles and sensibilities. And these are different times with different lifestyles.
Posted by kiridrew[/QUOTE]

Neither are you. Maybe etiquette does get more lax generation to generation, but the advice is to err on the side of caution to avoid being embarrassed infront of your friends and family and to avoid making them feel uncomfortable or hurt. How could that ever be wrong?

kathrynhabibti · October 2010

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worst idea ever : LOL to first part, and thank you to second !
Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]
<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-smile.gif" border="0" alt="Smile" title="Smile" />

TurtlesAllTheWayDown · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:2a8bd300-6ade-4e34-90f9-04bfce1463ff">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worst idea ever : <strong>I'm sorry, but you are not the last authority on proper etiquette. This is your (and probably your family's) opinion. </strong> Other people and other familes and other communities have other ideas of what constitutes "proper etiquette." More importantly, etiquette is not an unchanging concept. As times change, etiquette must follow suit. It is a reflection of current lifestyles and sensibilities. And these are different times with different lifestyles.
Posted by kiridrew[/QUOTE]

Actually, etiquette is dictated by society. Any books by Miss Manners or Emily Post are good sources of proper etiquette, according to American society.

Etiquette CAN evolve, but it usually takes more than a few years. Also, just because something is "common" in a certain area doesn't make it not-rude - it just makes it more likely people won't be offended by it.

KaylaSue19 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:6dbdc610-7753-45ba-bfa7-52383e8e6585">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worst idea ever : I know. I wasn't speaking out in favor of honeymoon registries at all. I was responding to someone else saying they were writing a letter to their families asking for money to pay for their wedding.
Posted by snwilson0416[/QUOTE]

Oh, no. That post wasn't aimed at you at all. Sorry! I just quoted you because that was my same exact response to the person saying they were writing a letter. I should have said "I had that same response" and then moved on to what I was adding to the thread. My actual post was not because of what you said.

sarebare68 · October 2010

"THAT's my 2 cents worth, and I would think that MOST people would agree with me.. and those that don't, think the same way as you do. The world doesn't owe you a wedding just because you want one. I have waited 5 years for one.. and I am now going to get one.. on my own, with no regrets, and without being ashamed or having to pitifully beg for money."
Posted by StargazerLily07[/QUOTE]

Hmmm.. that's very stereotypical of you. I don't agree with you (apparently I'm not MOST people) but I also do not believe that anyone "owes" me anything whether or not I want it. I have been hearing more and more about donation letters and how they are fine to write as opposed to asking for any other gifts. Although my fiance and I are not going this route I would gladly help a friend who asked me for this. If I can help them with the gift of a wonderful celebration because that is what they ultimately want then I will do so. Don't get me wrong, I'm not going to make a donation to the ceremony/reception _and_ buy them some Mikasa wine glasses on top of that. However, the weddings I attend are for people I love and care for and I only want to make them happy. They are asking me to share in a celebration of the happiest day of their lives. I want to be a part of that celebration and I don't mind making a donation in order to help that happen.

jcamm11 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:06aae2f7-ae1f-42bf-abda-aa58170ba15a">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>However, the weddings I attend are for people I love and care for and I only want to make them happy. They are asking me to share in a celebration of the happiest day of their lives. I want to be a part of that celebration and I don't mind making a donation in order to help that happen.</strong>
Posted by sarebare68[/QUOTE]

What if they had to cut you from their guest list due to budget constraints after you've made your donation?

How would you feel if you donated to their wedding fund, but they ended up not going forward with the wedding? (Perhaps they broke up, or maybe they didn't collect quite enough money to have the wedding)

[/QUOTE] <strong> I have been hearing more and more about donation letters and how they are fine to write as opposed to asking for any other gifts. </strong>
Posted by sarebare68[/QUOTE]

A gift is an optional nice gesture that people sometimes make. It is not something that should be asked for! Remember, you don't know what your guest's financial situations are. They may not have had the money to give you a traditional wedding gift, let alone pitch in to pay for the party. Now, they're embarrassed because you came right out and asked, and they had to say no. Even if they do have the money, it is uncomfortable to be put on the spot. They don't get that good feeling of giving from the heart when they're asked for it.

Asking for a donation is something completely different than asking for a gift. People donate to charitable causes such as foundations that help cancer patients and food drives for underprivaleged kids. When you ask for a donation, it should not be for yourself, but for someone less fortunate than you. You should never ask for a donation for yourself for any reason, but asking for a donation to buy yourself a dress and throw yourself a party as if it constitues as some sort of charity is likely to offend those you ask.

The internet is a place of vast information. If you go out looking for people who are in favor of writing wedding donation letters, you are bound to find them. But no matter how much "more and more you hear" of them, they will always be inconsiderate, and they will always reflect poorly on the person sending them out.

sarebare68 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:5c0d5924-73ab-4664-8fd1-3ea28147eed3">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worst idea ever : What if they had to cut you from their guest list due to budget constraints after you've made your donation? How would you feel if you donated to their wedding fund, but they ended up not going forward with the wedding? (Perhaps they broke up, or maybe they didn't collect quite enough money to have the wedding) A gift is an optional nice gesture that people sometimes make. It is not something that should be asked for! Remember, you don't know what your guest's financial situations are. They may not have had the money to give you a traditional wedding gift, let alone pitch in to pay for the party. Now, they're embarrassed because you came right out and asked, and they had to say no. Even if they do have the money, it is uncomfortable to be put on the spot. They don't get that good feeling of giving from the heart when they're asked for it. Asking for a donation is something completely different than asking for a gift. People donate to charitable causes such as foundations that help cancer patients and food drives for underprivaleged kids. When you ask for a donation, it should not be for yourself, but for someone less fortunate than you. You should never ask for a donation for yourself for any reason, but asking for a donation to buy yourself a dress and throw yourself a party as if it constitues as some sort of charity is likely to offend those you ask. The internet is a place of vast information. If you go out looking for people who are in favor of writing wedding donation letters, you are bound to find them. But no matter how much "more and more you hear" of them, they will always be inconsiderate, and they will always reflect poorly on the person sending them out.
Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]

Just as any other gift, I would expect that the money would be returned if the wedding was canceled. Also, if someone chose to ask for donations I would think they would only ask for it from very close friends and family that would not be excluded from the wedding. All of these "what ifs" are a little dramatic. What if you handed them a gift and they spit in your face and then stripped down to their chonies and did the Chicken Dance?? Give me a break.
If you are going to get picky about asking for gifts then registries are rude too. A registry is just asking for something you would like to have as opposed to letting the guest choose. Giving a gift at a wedding is an appropriate way for guests to celebrate the wedded couple's union. Most guests would not show up without some token however big or small. If you look at it your way, an invitation to the wedding is putting the guest on the spot. Whatever should they do if they have to RSVP no??? The same thing that a guest asked for money would do if they couldn't or didn't want to donate; send a card with best wishes and politely decline. Done deal. No sob story about financial hardship or anything. No one has to be embarrassed since a letter is not a face-to-face interaction. It's not as if we hold ill will towards those that say they aren't coming to our weddings.
I don't think anyone typically believes that they are a charitable cause just because they cannot afford a wedding. Donations are gifts given without return consideration. They are not specifically regulated to charities. I believe people _give_ donations to those less fortunate. As long as you know what you are giving to then it is your choice as to whether or not you feel it is worthy. The person who asks should expect to hear some declines to their requests but should not have to feel guilty for asking because the money is not going to someone "less fortunate"
than themselves.
Finally, you're right. If I searched the internet I could find people who agree with me that it is okay to write the letter. I could also find people who want me to join in mass suicides and beastiality. Fortunately for me, the net is not where I find all of my information. I have been hearing "more and more" about the donation letters from wedding vendors that I respect and other future brides and grooms busily planning a hugely over-priced event.
Obviously your friends must know that if they ever needed financial assistance for the most important day of their lives they could not go to you. Just remember that it is not your place to judge others and the choices they make. Wedding ettiquette for the most part sits on a fine line and there will always be people on both sides. I know my post will not change your mind and I accept that. I accept your opinion and will not judge you (even though I think you're totally wrong <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-laughing.gif" border="0" alt="Laughing" title="Laughing" /> ).

jcamm11 · October 2010

All of these "what ifs" are a little dramatic. What if you handed them a gift and they spit in your face and then stripped down to their chonies and did the Chicken Dance?? Give me a break.

The possibility a couple in that sort of financial situation would have to dramatically cut their guest list due to budget constraints, or that they wouldn’t gather enough money to have the wedding at all are very likely scenarios.

If you are going to get picky about asking for gifts then registries are rude too.

Why is making a registry okay? Your guests go looking for your registry after they have decided to get you a gift. It's a wish list that is available for their convenience. It takes the stress out for them to know two other people aren't going to buy you the same thing, or that they aren’t going to buy you something you already have. It is not required for guests to buy off the registry, and is not included in the invitations.

Most guests would not show up without some token however big or small. If you look at it your way, an invitation to the wedding is putting the guest on the spot.

Wedding gifts are not mandatory – it’s part of the joy of giving a gift, you do it because you want to, not because you’re asked to. Your guests know (or think if it's your guests) that you are inviting them to share your special day with them, not to get a gift.

I don't think anyone typically believes that they are a charitable cause just because they cannot afford a wedding.

This isn’t the point. The point is that it isn’t appropriate to ask for a donation for a luxury item (the party) as if it were some sort of charity.

Fortunately for me, the net is not where I find all of my information. I have been hearing "more and more" about the donation letters from wedding vendors…

Who depend on you getting money any way possible, so they can sell you their services

…and other future brides and grooms busily planning a hugely over-priced event.

Who want others to follow suit, so they don’t look so bad

Obviously your friends must know that if they ever needed financial assistance for the most important day of their lives they could not go to you.

It’s okay, none of them are rude enough to ask

Wedding ettiquette for the most part sits on a fine line and there will always be people on both sides.

Exactly, so feel free to make up your own rules. Why are you even on the etiquette board then?

I know my post will not change your mind and I accept that. I accept your opinion and will not judge you

How high-road of you, thank you, I appreciate that, thanks for the smilie too!

sarebare68 · October 2010

In Response to Re: Worst idea ever:

The possibility a couple in that sort of financial situation would have to dramatically cut their guest list due to budget constraints, or that they wouldn’t gather enough money to have the wedding at all are very likely scenarios.

There is the possibility that couples without money worries may not get married too. It would still be expected of them to return any gifts.

Why is making a registry okay? Your guests go looking for your registry after they have decided to get you a gift. It's a wish list that is available for their convenience. It takes the stress out for them to know two other people aren't going to buy you the same thing, or that they aren’t going to buy you something you already have. It is not required for guests to buy off the registry, and is not included in the invitations.

It is giving the guests an option. The same as a letter sent out giving a few trusted friends and family members the option of spending their money on something everyone will enjoy.

Wedding gifts are not mandatory – it’s part of the joy of giving a gift, you do it because you want to, not because you’re asked to. Your guests know (or think if it's your guests) that you are inviting them to share your special day with them, not to get a gift.

OF COURSE they're not mandatory. However, you seem to take a very traditional view on things so let me ask you; would you ever show up to a wedding without a gift for the couple? People go to weddings of people they love and support. They bring gifts to those people to share in the celebration. If there was a couple I didn't support enough to even bother with a gift I would probably just skip the whole thing.

The point is that it isn’t appropriate to ask for a donation for a luxury item (the party) as if it were some sort of charity.

Maybe there's another synonym for donation that we could substitute so we can get away from the charity feeling. Assistance? Contribution? Offering? I know! How about just "gift?" Also, if the letter is appropriately worded, I'm sure we could get away from the "asking" aspect of it too. Then it would be more like giving another gift option... you know, like a registry.

I have been hearing "more and more" about the donation letters from wedding vendors… Who depend on you getting money any way possible, so they can sell you their services

Believe me, I'm not naive enough to think that every vendor has only my best interests in mind. The specific vendor I'm thinking of is a trusted friend who knows that I am not even using her services for our wedding.

…and other future brides and grooms busily planning a hugely over-priced event. Who want others to follow suit, so they don’t look so bad

Quite the assumption. Not the case though.

Obviously your friends must know that if they ever needed financial assistance for the most important day of their lives they could not go to you. It’s okay, none of them are rude enough to ask

How lucky you must feel that none of your friends will ever be in need of someone they can trust enough to go to when they are down. You must feel so blessed.

Wedding ettiquette for the most part sits on a fine line and there will always be people on both sides. Exactly, so feel free to make up your own rules. Why are you even on the etiquette board then?

For the same reason you are. Because I have an opinion or maybe am looking for others' opinions. Currently I am just enjoying this little discussion!

I know my post will not change your mind and I accept that. I accept your opinion and will not judge you How high-road of you, thank you, I appreciate that, thanks for the smilie too!

I prefer to choose my battles. I thought maybe the situation could be lightened with a little joke but this seems to be much more serious than my first assessment led me to believe.

Here is a somewhat serious face to show that I now understand the situation more clearly.

Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]

coacheining · October 2010

I say everyone is different and grew up in different environments. Me, I'm a farm girl marrying a farmer. We already live together and have a house full of stuff, so I went searching for a way to say we would rather have money to help with our future home. I went to one of those free websites so it wouldn't be on the invite, but still available for anyone to look at and read.

Our home is now complete, We’ve been together long
So please consider our request And do not take us wrong
A delicate request it is, We hope you understand
But please play along As it gives our married life a hand
So for this special day of ours, The day that we’ll be wed
Do not hunt for special gifts But give money in its stead
For a gift of money towards our house Would really make our day
But if you prefer to give a gift, Our registry’s on its way.

trix1223 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:3c11a436-222a-40a2-b5de-fef48979c191">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]I say everyone is different and grew up in different environments. Me, I'm a farm girl marrying a farmer. We already live together and have a house full of stuff, so I went searching for a way to say we would rather have money to help with our future home. I went to one of those free websites so it wouldn't be on the invite, but still available for anyone to look at and read. Our home is now complete, We’ve been together long So please consider our request And do not take us wrong A delicate request it is, We hope you understand But please play along As it gives our married life a hand So for this special day of ours, The day that we’ll be wed Do not hunt for special gifts <strong>But give money in its stead </strong>For a gift of money towards our house Would really make our day But if you prefer to give a gift, Our registry’s on its way.
Posted by coacheining[/QUOTE]

Awful, awful, awful, awful. Did I mention awful?

kathrynhabibti · October 2010

[QUOTE]I say everyone is different and grew up in different environments. Me, I'm a farm girl marrying a farmer. We already live together and have a house full of stuff, so I went searching for a way to say we would rather have money to help with our future home. I went to one of those free websites so it wouldn't be on the invite, but still available for anyone to look at and read. Our home is now complete, We’ve been together long So please consider our request And do not take us wrong A delicate request it is, We hope you understand But please play along As it gives our married life a hand So for this special day of ours, The day that we’ll be wed Do not hunt for special gifts But give money in its stead For a gift of money towards our house Would really make our day But if you prefer to give a gift, Our registry’s on its way.
Posted by coacheining[/QUOTE]
A poem does not make it okay.

sarebare68 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:9e66ced6-5b3e-4f43-a395-705ca1c064c5">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]How would you word it, Sarebare?
Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]

<div>How would I word what?</div>

sarebare68 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:ca483fc9-09ec-4982-b197-0af8422ce4bb">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Worst idea ever : Posted by sarebare68[/QUOTE] If a friend came to me and said she was broke and needed help with somethig important, like, I don't know, food or a place to stay, I'd help her out in a heartbeat. If she came to me and said she was broke, but there was this gorgeous Marc Jacobs purse that she just had to have, I'd tell her to keep dreaming. A wedding, like a designer purse, is a luxury item. Sure, more people will enjoy the wedding than will enjoy the purse, but it doesn't change the fact that it's an unnecesary expense. I understand that not everyone has the money to throw some huge blow-out, but plenty of people manage to have very nice, dignified, and entirely enjoyable weddings on tiny budgets. So I can think of no reason why soliciting money for a party is ever necessary.
Posted by samscsi@gmail.com[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>A wedding may be a luxury but it is also (for most of us) a lifelong dream. My wedding is not something I would feel comfortable giving up entirely because
I couldn't afford it. You can save for years for a purse but weddings can't always wait as long. Some people are opposed to living together before marriage or having children before marriage. Having to choose between giving up a childhood dream and moving on with your life is a sad decision for someone to have to make. Obviously the logical decision is to just go to the JP and get it over with but, if you don't _have_ to do that thanks to the love and support of your friends and family, why force yourself to give up something that would make you incredibly happy? Friends and family who give money are doing it out of the kindness of their hearts because they want the couple to be happy. When I think of the people I love and care about the most I know that I would give them whatever I could to make their lives more complete.</div>

sarebare68 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:2c34709e-0fee-499f-b042-fafbed0dac19">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE]The donation letter.
Posted by jcamm11[/QUOTE]

<div>To be completely honest, I don't know. I would have to spend a very long time working on exactly the right wording on the letter. As I said before, my fiance and I are not writing letters. We are paying for the wedding with a small budget from my parents, an engagement gift we received from his parents, and money we have been making and saving ourselves. The greatest amount we will pay without assistance. If we were to write one it would take months of consideration on who we would ask and how we would ask them so no one would feel pressured or uncomfortable. I'm sure it would go through hundreds of rough drafts before we were satisfied. Sorry I couldn't give a more definitive answer.</div>

jcamm11 · October 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_registering-gifts_worst-idea-ever?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:34Discussion:7c7d9e19-8687-42ee-bf3a-86163446bf3bPost:7b6f052f-45c7-494a-96f4-c89f6ca57021">Re: Worst idea ever</a>:
[QUOTE] love and support of your friends and family, why force yourself to give up something that would make you incredibly happy? Friends and family who give money are doing it out of the kindness of their hearts because they want the couple to be happy.
Posted by sarebare68[/QUOTE]

a. because you're not entitled to it just because you desperately want it.
b. your friends and family are not giving out of the goodness of their hearts, if they were, you wouldn't have to send out a letter asking for it, they would give it to you out of the goodness of their hearts! They are giving it because you asked!

Worst idea ever

Re: Worst idea ever

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