Issue with 'Ma'am'?

Moneypenny424 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:1af8bec0-3baf-4b61-94ed-b25bb3520390">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]I do it all the time. What are you supposed to call someone when you need to get their attention and don't know their name? I'd think "Miss", "Darling", "Sweetie", or just "Hey Lady" would be a lot more offensive.
Posted by opalsky007[/QUOTE]

This exactly. I'm not even Southern, but "ma'am" really seems to be the best option here. I was at CVS the other day and helped out an older disabled lady who dropped something. I said, "Ma'am, let me pick that up for you." What else could I have said? I like to use marks of respect when speaking to older people.

I think it is funny to be called ma'am, but I appreciate others trying to be respectful to me. Sometimes I get Miss, which I'm fine with, but Ma'am is more common.

[Deleted User] · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:3788e007-f2b8-4214-818b-0712a25a0f05">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's just such a ....cold term. And it seems very disingenuous when I hear it used. I mean, I wouldn't ever get offended over it, but yeah. I don't find it to be the most respectful way to address people either. It's a weird word. <strong>The lady at Verizon on the phone other day called me ma'am and I asked her to call me Christy. It's very uncomfortable to me.</strong>
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

I have actually had companies ask me if they can call me Melissa or Ms. X. I always tell them to call me by my first name.

annakb8 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:fea11bc5-01b9-4753-83b9-3c0da58b2123">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't think so. I've been "ma'am'd" a few times, and my reaction is usually one of amusement, because I don't think I'm old enough to be considered a "ma'am". But I'm never offended. I think getting mad at someone for a display of courtesy, no matter how misguided, is kind of a shiitty thing to do. Sort of like women who bark at men who open doors for them. They're trying to be gentlemen, not condescending, for the love of God. Just thank them kindly and move on!
Posted by baystateapple[/QUOTE]

I agree with all of this. Especially the part about women getting upset when men open doors for them. I guarantee they didn't do it because they think you are a delicate female incapable of opening a door, they were just trying to be polite.

Stackeye210 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:3788e007-f2b8-4214-818b-0712a25a0f05">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]It's just such a ....cold term. And it seems very disingenuous when I hear it used. I mean, I wouldn't ever get offended over it, but yeah. I don't find it to be the most respectful way to address people either. It's a weird word. <strong>The lady at Verizon on the phone other day called me ma'am and I asked her to call me Christy. It's very uncomfortable to me.</strong>
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

It's your right to be addressed how you would like to be addressed, and you voiced your preference on it without getting all b*tt hurt in the process. I just don't see the point of yelling at someone over a mistake they didn't even realize they were making. You know what I mean? Just correct them and move on like you did.

crfische · April 2011

Right. Like they were just raised to call people that, so that's just what they do. I've heard ma'am used more often disrespectfully and in a condescending manner in an argument that I have in a sincerely respectful way.

People resort to ma'am when they're upset or forget or don't know your name.

Birdie1483 · April 2011

I'd be scared too. I was raised with really no manners at all so I've had to learn them all as an adult. There have been many times where I walked away feeling like a jack ass.

LC, I really want to put your quote on a someecard card.

musicalsunlight · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:9fb5b1c0-7bc7-48b2-82e5-3565382e4a4e">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'? : Okay so, my parents have always gone by their first names, as have my friend's parents. FIL's however, expect me to call them Mr. & Mrs. Blank. It's so weird and I can't stand it. I'm marrying their son in 9 WEEKS and I still call them Mr. & Mrs. Haven't we passed that bridge yet? I have no clue what to call them once I'm married and I REALLY HOPE they don't expect me to call them mom and dad. Not.Happening. /rant
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

That is really weird. I've never called J's parents anything but their first names, ever since I met them.

Honestly, I feel like even if it is kind of a 'cold' term, I'd much rather be called that than "Girl" or "Lady", or something derogatory.

Calypso1977 · April 2011

i find im in a weird age now (33) where "Miss" seems to young (and not appropriate since i'm married) but i do feel too young for "Ma'am" although id never yell at someone for referring to me as Ma'am.

Moneypenny424 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:9fb5b1c0-7bc7-48b2-82e5-3565382e4a4e">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'? : Okay so, my parents have always gone by their first names, as have my friend's parents. FIL's however, expect me to call them Mr. & Mrs. Blank. It's so weird and I can't stand it. I'm marrying their son in 9 WEEKS and I still call them Mr. & Mrs. Haven't we passed that bridge yet? I have no clue what to call them once I'm married and I REALLY HOPE they don't expect me to call them mom and dad. Not.Happening. /rant
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

Um, this is a little crazy. What will you call them after the wedding?

I've always called my friends' parents Mr and Mrs. Even now, I just can't call them by their first names.

crfische · April 2011

Yeah, that's why I've said repeatedly that I wouldn't ever be offended by it, I know they are just trying to be whatever, but I think it just misses the mark, that's all.

musicalsunlight · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:945b078f-a101-42da-9721-1c9153a5624c">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]Right. Like they were just raised to call people that, so that's just what they do. I've heard ma'am used more often disrespectfully and in a condescending manner in an argument that I have in a sincerely respectful way. <strong>People resort to ma'am when they're upset </strong>or forget or don't know your name.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

I only WISH my past customers called me ma'am when they were upset. Oh the names I've been called... <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-yell.gif" border="0" alt="Yell" title="Yell" />

cengle · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:9fb5b1c0-7bc7-48b2-82e5-3565382e4a4e">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'? : Okay so, my parents have always gone by their first names, as have my friend's parents.
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

This was the way I grew up too. When I met the parents of new friends, I would start by calling them Mr. and Mrs, but they would always say just to call them by their first names. So I did.
But I still say "Yes, sir" or "Yes, ma'am" to strangers.

Stackeye210 · April 2011

No Bree. My friend talks like that and she's usually just being light hearted about it, she's a comical gal. I can totally hear her saying that to someone.

laurenclaire1386 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:945b078f-a101-42da-9721-1c9153a5624c">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]Right. Like they were just raised to call people that, so that's just what they do. <strong>I've heard ma'am used more often disrespectfully and in a condescending manner in an argument that I have in a sincerely respectful way.</strong> People resort to ma'am when they're upset or forget or don't know your name.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]
I guess that's just not my experience at all. And just for curiosity's sake, what are you supposed to call someone whose name you don't know? Let's just assume you're not a jerk and forgot it, you just haven't been told what the name is.

musicalsunlight · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:c76d9974-84ed-4746-a803-0bdd2b28fa13">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'? : This was the way I grew up too. When I met the parents of new friends, I would start by calling them Mr. and Mrs, but they would always say just to call them by their first names. So I did. But I still say "Yes, sir" or "Yes, ma'am" to strangers.
Posted by cengle[/QUOTE]

Yeah I am pretty sure I can't remember a time in my life when any parents of friends/boyfriends have told me to call them "Mr & Mrs". I don't even think it has ever occurred to me. Maybe it's something to do with the area, or something?

Moneypenny424 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:e007452e-550d-421c-971b-30ce13a5591e">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]THIS REMINDS ME! I thanked a guy (probably a few years older than me) for holding the door open for me and he replied, "Fo' sho' lil mama." I don't know what to think of that, but I'm leaning towards thinking it was hilarious. If you have heard this term before, is there any reason why I should have been offended?
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

LOL! I also think that's hilarious!

Meg1036 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:9fb5b1c0-7bc7-48b2-82e5-3565382e4a4e">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'? : Okay so, my parents have always gone by their first names, as have my friend's parents. FIL's however, expect me to call them Mr. & Mrs. Blank. It's so weird and I can't stand it. I'm marrying their son in 9 WEEKS and I still call them Mr. & Mrs. Haven't we passed that bridge yet? I have no clue what to call them once I'm married and I REALLY HOPE they don't expect me to call them mom and dad. Not.Happening. /rant
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]

Yeah, FI's mom lets me call her by her first name. FI's dad is a pediatrician, and gets upset when you don't call him Dr. X. It's weird to me on a number of levels. As a result, I never call him anything at all to his face, and I call him "FI's dad" in conversation. It's weird.

And I will never call them mom and dad. They're nice people...but they're not my mom and dad.

laurenclaire1386 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:e007452e-550d-421c-971b-30ce13a5591e">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]THIS REMINDS ME! I thanked a guy (probably a few years older than me) for holding the door open for me and he replied, "Fo' sho' lil mama." I don't know what to think of that, but I'm leaning towards thinking it was hilarious. If you have heard this term before, is there any reason why I should have been offended?
Posted by bree4305[/QUOTE]
I don't think so. I think the general gist of it was probably "no problem."

crfische · April 2011

I'd say "Excuse me. ::hold out hand:: Hi! I'm christy, and you are?"

And then I would ask how they would prefer me to address to them. Then I'd say nice to meet you!

Depends on the context of the situation.

musicalsunlight · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:ce41a040-6ad5-42a1-9ca3-a33291b4e173">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'? : Yeah, FI's mom lets me call her by her first name. FI's dad is a pediatrician, and gets upset when you don't call him Dr. X. It's weird to me on a number of levels. As a result, I never call him anything at all to his face, and I call him "FI's dad" in conversation. It's weird. And I will never call them mom and dad. They're nice people...but they're not my mom and dad.
Posted by Meg1036[/QUOTE]

Haha that is the opposite of my dad. He has a doctorate degree and HATES when people call him Dr when he is with clients. He's one of those, "call me by my first name" people for his clients. Although I know on the wedding invitations he will be excited that his name will have a "Dr" before it. Silly.

Birdie1483 · April 2011

This kind of goes along with the name of parents thing, but FIL's insist that F's niece and nephew refer to us as Uncle Birdie and Aunt Birdie. I grew up just calling my aunt "Suzy". We never used the titles "aunt" and "uncle" unless we were referencing one of our family members that we weren't around that much, so we had to distinguish who we were referring to.

impslave · April 2011

I was brought up to call adult women 'ma'am' and adult men 'sir.' Also, anyone was Mr. Lastname or Mrs. Lastname if they were friends of my parents or parents of my friends.

To this day, I do that as a means of respect. When I first start working a job, my boss is Mr. or Mrs./Ms. and sir/ma'am until they directly tell me it's okay to use their first names. Though now, the partners who own the firm where I now work are younger than me, so shouldn't they be calling me ma'am? *snort*

SarahPLiz · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:ab8fe510-e88a-4fa8-a062-1a3cd0f78775">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]I once dated a guy who referred to his mom as ma'am. She would call his name and he would say, "ma'am?" - and if he would have said, "what?" she'd probably have bent his 25 year old self over her knee and spanked the sh*t out of him.
Posted by Stackeye210[/QUOTE]

<div>I was taught that ma'am or sir was the proper repsonse in this situation, and that "what" was horribly disrespectful and flippant. But I'm from the south, as are both my parents. It doesn't bother me when people call me Ma'am, but Miss pisses me off for some reason. It just grates on my nerves. </div><div>I am also guilty of using Honey, Darlin' and Sweetheart when addressing people familiarly, and it doesn't bother me if someone calls me those unless they are being condescending. It actually reminds me of home. </div>

Meg1036 · April 2011

I guess in general, my parents friends I know from when I was a kid, I still use titles for. People I met as an adult, no matter how much older they are than me, I find it a little weird use to use Mr/Mrs/Dr/whatever, and I tend to use first names. And that's why having to call FI's dad Dr., when I clearly know him personally AND met him when I was an adult, is weird to me.

It's not that I don't respect him, it's just that I'm a first-name person. I'm about to finish my doctorate (granted, a PhD, so I probably won't use it much socially), and I would never insist that FI's parents refer to me as Dr. Meg. So maybe I'm sensitive, but I feel like it disrespects me a little bit and/or belittles my importance in his life to insist on the title.

Edited: forgot some words.

tenofcups4me · April 2011

I typically only hear ma'am or sir in the context of people who work at stores, restaurants, hotels, etc. I don't mind it there, but it was a big shock to go from "miss" to "ma'am" and honestly, not one I was all that thrilled with. I was out with a cousin a few years ago and he got mock pissed/upset when the waitress ma'am'ed me since he didn't think I was old enough to be a ma'am (I was about 45 at the time, definitely old enough!).

The only time I would use either is when trying to get the attention of a stranger: "Sir, you dropped a piece of a paper," "Ma'am is that your glove there?" although even then I'm more likely to lead with a generic "Excuse me" as a way to get their attention.

crfische · April 2011

When I lived in Indiana, all the kids there called me Miss Christy, it's just what they did. I laughed about it, and said, goodness gracious, just call me Christy, but it was just in their nature to call me that. It was cute, but just too formal for this girl.

Meg1036 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:a4d7cbcf-81fe-443d-8517-cce448a56a03">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]This kind of goes along with the name of parents thing, but FIL's insist that F's niece and nephew refer to us as Uncle Birdie and Aunt Birdie. I grew up just calling my aunt "Suzy". We never used the titles "aunt" and "uncle" unless we were referencing one of our family members that we weren't around that much, so we had to distinguish who we were referring to.
Posted by Birdie1483[/QUOTE]

Huh. I called my aunts and uncles "Uncle Joe" and "Aunt Jane" even when they're there so I guess we're like your FILs in that respect.

louisvillebride21 · April 2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_issue-maam?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:46475bb1-70c3-492b-b996-056b9f84ea5ePost:945b078f-a101-42da-9721-1c9153a5624c">Re: Issue with 'Ma'am'?</a>:
[QUOTE]Right. Like they were just raised to call people that, so that's just what they do. I've heard ma'am used more often disrespectfully and in a condescending manner in an argument that I have in a sincerely respectful way. People resort to ma'am when they're upset or forget or don't know your name.
Posted by crfische[/QUOTE]

I can PROMISE you that's not how my husband uses it (sometiems if he doesn't know the name, yes). I can't imagine that being condescending. He was raised to be polite to people and he (as an adult fully capable of making his own decisions) wants to continue to be polite. Ma'am is a polite term.

HappinessByTheKilowatt · April 2011

I say ma'am and sir to everyone unless they ask me not to, including (and especially) my grandparents, aunts, and uncles. I say it to my parents sometimes too, if it's a more serious conversation, or they make a direct request of me. It's how I was raised, and in our family it shows a sign of respect, and an acknowledgement of the person who you are answering. I often used it speaking to customers, and in return, have also been called that and have no issues with it, especially from someone who is virtually a stranger. I also have no issues being called "Miss". I think when the intent of the user is to show manners, it's exceptionally rude to scold them, since it's pretty commonly known that many people are brought up to use Ma'am and Sir as a sign of respect. I think a "Oh, call me Sarah" or "Call me Mrs. Smith" would suffice.

Also, I call FI's mom Mrs., because she hasn't ever told me not to... wonder if that will change when we marry... Hm. I usually judge the situation as to whether I call someone Mr. or Mrs.

missy68 · April 2011

I'm one of those who aren't offended by honey or sweetie, unless it's said condescendingly (and I've had both). I usually ignore it. I grew up around males who were older than me, and it's just never bothered me.
Don't get me wrong; I'm not offended by the ma'am; it just feels weird when I find out the student is 7 years younger than me. Had he been 15 or 20 years younger, it might have been different.

Oh - and as far as "Hey Lady" goes - when Andy was 4, he tried to yell out the car window at a pretty girl one time and said in a singsong voice, "HEY LADYYYY! You come go with me to Disney!" Fortunately the window was up.

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