Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....

jenmcbride13 · April 2013

OK yes it is awkward....So the bottom line is that someone who's wedding I was asked to be in is now not getting married because of issues that just came to light. When my engagement first came about she asked to be in my wedding. I said yes because we are friends and yes I was supposed to be in hers. Well now there is no communication between her and the rest of my bridesmaids about planning the shower and she will not order her dress and it is holding up all my other dresses that need to be here by a very specific time. Then she just called off her engagement today.... we are friends yes.... but right now she is holding up the plans for my wedding and my bridal salon is freaking out on me because they wanted the order in two weeks ago. What should I do?!? I gave her an time line but she is not sticking by it. Ahhh wedding drama!

itzMS · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:143f2f41-803e-47a1-ba37-87885ce95b39">Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]OK yes it is awkward....So the bottom line is that someone who's wedding I was asked to be in is now not getting married because of issues that just came to light. When my engagement first came about she asked to be in my wedding. I said yes because we are friends and yes I was supposed to be in hers. Well now there is no communication between her and the rest of my bridesmaids about planning the shower and she will not order her dress and it is holding up all my other dresses that need to be here by a very specific time. Then she just called off her engagement today.... we are friends yes.... but right now she is holding up the plans for my wedding and my bridal salon is freaking out on me because they wanted the order in two weeks ago. What should I do?!? I gave her an time line but she is not sticking by it. Ahhh wedding drama!
Posted by jenmcbride13[/QUOTE]

Your wedding is still 6 months away. Chill pill time. Order the dresses for those who have been fitted.

This friend can order her dress separately, trust me. If she doesn't, she has removed herself from the wedding. Leave her be.

She also has no obligations (nor do any of your bridesmaids) to help plan/host a shower or other parties for you.

[Deleted User] · April 2013

First talk to her as a friend, she did just break off her engagement and could probably use a shoulder. Then have the rest of your girls order their dress to get that done. After consuling your friend about her recent events tell her I'm sorry to bring this up with all your going through, but we're really at a deadline for order the dresses for my wedding. Do you think you can do that? She may even go, I'm sorry but due to what happened, I don't know if being a BM is the right thing now & volunteer to step down, issue resolved. Talk to her first, if you just kick her out, you'll lose a friend for sure but you may be able to resolve this with a good chat. Good luck!!

FruitSnack84 · April 2013

Uhh...I think your friend has enough going on right now and ordering a dress for your wedding may not be at the top of her priority list. Try seeing things from her perspective. How about comforting her as a friend during a super painful time rather than threatening to kick her out of your wedding?

KatWAG · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:143f2f41-803e-47a1-ba37-87885ce95b39">Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]OK yes it is awkward....So the bottom line is that someone who's wedding I was asked to be in is now not getting married because of issues that just came to light. When my engagement first came about she asked to be in my wedding. I said yes because we are friends and yes I was supposed to be in hers. Well now there is no communication between her and the rest of my bridesmaids about planning the shower and she will not order her dress and it is holding up all my other dresses that need to be here by a very specific time. Then she just called off her engagement today.... we are friends yes.... but right now she is holding up the plans for my wedding and my bridal salon is freaking out on me because they wanted the order in two weeks ago. What should I do?!? I gave her an time line but she is not sticking by it. Ahhh wedding drama!
Posted by jenmcbride13[/QUOTE]

Wow, you sound like a super compassionate and understanding friend...

Your friend just called off her wedding. That is a huge deal, way bigger than ordering a BM dress. Your wedding is in 6 months. She still has plenty of time. She doesn't need to order it at the same time as your other BM (different dye lots wont make a noticeable difference)

She is not required to throw or attend your bridal shower.

misshart00 · April 2013

If she just had her engagement broken off, she's going through a really hard time. Your wedding is the last thing on her mind. Tell the dress place to go ahead and order the other dresses. She can order hers later. I also wouldn't talk to her about your wedding right now. And she doesn't have to do anything for the shower. Leave her alone or see if she wants to talk about what's going on, that's not related to your wedding.

KatWAG · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:916d3ca6-d771-465e-afea-7a43e57db8b3">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]First talk to her as a friend, she did just break off her engagement and could probably use a shoulder. Then have the rest of your girls order their dress to get that done. <strong>After consuling your friend about her recent events tell her I'm sorry to bring this up with all your going through, but we're really at a deadline for order the dresses for my wedding. Do you think you can do that?</strong> She may even go, I'm sorry but due to what happened, I don't know if being a BM is the right thing now & volunteer to step down, issue resolved. Talk to her first, if you just kick her out, you'll lose a friend for sure but you may be able to resolve this with a good chat. Good luck!!
Posted by Erikan73[/QUOTE]

Or maybe you could just support your friend and not talk about the wedding for one day?

AddieCake · April 2013

Is your wedding a buffet or a sit down dinner?

Jessa617 · April 2013

My MOH just ordered her dress two weeks ago and my wedding is next weekend. She knows my wedding date, she knows when she has to have the dress.

Honestly, I wouldn't worry about it. Don't kick her out. If she fails to get the dress then she has taken herself out of the wedding. Just let her know what the deadline is for getting the dress.
Your MOH, or any bridesmaid for that matter is not responsible for planning any pre-wedding parties for you. It is certainly a nice gesture, but it's not grounds for dismissal if they fail to do so.

Your friend is going through some serious heartbreak and a difficult time, you should have a little more compassion.

jenmcbride13 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:03089836-f8ea-405b-b2a4-acff29f86bba">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid..... : Or maybe you could just support your friend and not talk about the wedding for one day?
Posted by KatWAG[/QUOTE]
Trust me I am not a bridezilla and I literally never talk about my wedding or the plans for it. She called off her wedding and it is her mistake. Her fiancee is going to be living with me and my fiancee......also the bridal salon is giving me the altimatium to have it done.

jenmcbride13 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:25272676-8cc6-4f49-b465-e286f23126d0">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]Uhh...I think your friend has enough going on right now and ordering a dress for your wedding may not be at the top of her priority list. Try seeing things from her perspective. How about comforting her as a friend during a super painful time rather than threatening to kick her out of your wedding?
Posted by FruitSnack84[/QUOTE]
I have been trying trust me. She has cut off all contact over the past month with me.

jenmcbride13 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:fa0cff90-4788-4f97-82d5-47992b153482">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid..... : Wow, you sound like a super compassionate and understanding friend... Your friend just called off her wedding. That is a huge deal, way bigger than ordering a BM dress. Your wedding is in 6 months. She still has plenty of time. She doesn't need to order it at the same time as your other BM (different dye lots wont make a noticeable difference) She is not required to throw or attend your bridal shower.
Posted by KatWAG[/QUOTE]
I am trust me. She will not talk to me whatsoever and has completely shut down. I have been trying to get in contact and trying to be a friend. The bridal salon says that I can not add her to the order later on. That is my main concern. Also I thought these boards were to come to for advice? Which is weird because I feel like I am being attacked when everyone else in my wedding and around me says kick her out.

Jessa617 · April 2013

Your bridal salon needs to chillax. There's plenty of time. Are these made from scratch custom bridal gowns?

misshart00 · April 2013

You got advice. Just because it wasn't what you wanted to hear doesn't make if less valid. Tell the salon to order the dresses. They can always order another one later. They're telling you stuff to make a sale. And leave your friend alone if she doesn't want to talk.

jenmcbride13 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:54ca9555-48d1-4b77-9be2-612b31e3ca02">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]Your bridal salon needs to chillax. There's plenty of time. Are these made from scratch custom bridal gowns?
Posted by Jessalyn2013[/QUOTE]
They keep freaking out about the dye lots!

misshart00 · April 2013

In Response to Re:Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....:Your bridal salon needs to chillax. There's plenty of time. Are these made from scratch custom bridal gowns?Posted by Jessalyn2013They keep freaking out about the dye lots!nbsp; Posted by jenmcbride13[/QUOTE]

Dye lots don't really matter anymore since they mix the color by machine. I believe PP already said that.

KatWAG · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:a9a5803c-d859-417f-87b3-817eb602c8de">Re:Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]You got advice. Just because it wasn't what you wanted to hear doesn't make if less valid. Tell the salon to order the dresses. They can always order another one later. They're telling you stuff to make a sale. And leave your friend alone if she doesn't want to talk.
Posted by misshart00[/QUOTE]

This. And dye lots rarely matter. They are trying to make a sale and you are buying into.

If you want me to vomit rainbows and sunshines and validate terrible ideas, like kicking a friend when she is down, its not going to happen. Although I hear the wedding Bee is great for that.

nycrose2013 · April 2013

dye lots are BS. The dresses will be the same, or close enough that no one will notice. They say this to make sales

MuppetFan · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:44352ec5-1c79-4ce8-a62f-8e45b125cb18">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid..... : They keep freaking out about the dye lots!
Posted by jenmcbride13[/QUOTE]

Dye lots can vary, sure. My family owns a bridal shop. In general, it's not normally so drastically different that a camera is going to pick it up. Order the dresses for the girls that are definitely taking part in the wedding. She can order hers late, it may vary slightly. She can order hers never and she will be out of the wedding.

Just move on with your planning as if she may or may not be involved. She does not need to deal with this right now, the only thing she needs to do if she is part of your wedding is to show up and stand beside you. The inbetween really doesn't matter right now.

peekaboo2011 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:ba251f50-a45b-4e58-817d-01fe4da30fe8">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid..... : Trust me I am not a bridezilla and I literally never talk about my wedding or the plans for it.<strong> She called off her wedding and it is her mistake.</strong> <strong>Her fiancee is going to be living with me and my fiancee......</strong>also the bridal salon is giving me the altimatium to have it done.
Posted by jenmcbride13[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I wonder why she stopped talking to you...</div>

itzMS · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:a0724d75-7c92-49b7-9c87-75a32532acc4">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid..... : I wonder why she stopped talking to you...
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

Ditto, I mean, he's a grown man. Could he not stay at a hotel for a week or two while he arranges to get an apartment?

Instead, he has the genius idea to crash on the couch of a mutual friend and cause them to take sides by default.

Yikes.

misshart00 · April 2013

In Response to Re:Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....:In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid..... : Trust me I am not a bridezilla and I literally never talk about my wedding or the plans for it. She called off her wedding and it is her mistake. Her fiancee is going to be living with me and my fiancee......also the bridal salon is giving me the altimatium to have it done.Posted by jenmcbride13I wonder why she stopped talking to you... Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

I could be wrong, but this makes me think she only asked her to be a bridesmaid because she was the fiance of one of her friends.

Djinxs · April 2013

I feel like we're getting little bits of the whole story here.

So if I'm getting this straight, your friend (and BM) just recently broke up with her fiance and called off their wedding. The fiance is staying with you and YOUR fiance since the split. She hasn't been in contact with you and isn't returning your calls. You think it's her fault that things fell apart?

First of all, it's really hurtful to kick someone out of your wedding, especially after they've just been through something like this. She could step down, but if you kick her out, be ready for that to be a friendship-ending move. I was worried about getting a BM dress two months in advance for my friend's wedding and it came in four days. I'm sure it would be perfectly fine for her to order later, so don't let that be your main concern.

Your main concern should be her, if she's really your good friend. I get that she's not really talking to you right now, but maybe that has something to do with her ex-fiance living with you? Seems to me to be a bit awkward.

jenmcbride13 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:700734a6-324c-4075-96af-69c3b2e5602d">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid..... : Ditto, I mean, he's a grown man. Could he not stay at a hotel for a week or two while he arranges to get an apartment? Instead, he has the genius idea to crash on the couch of a mutual friend and cause them to take sides by default. Yikes.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]
Its really long and alot more complicated.

jenmcbride13 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:c460fff0-cabe-4060-8e79-3ccce2b77f00">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like we're getting little bits of the whole story here. So if I'm getting this straight, your friend (and BM) just recently broke up with her fiance and called off their wedding. The fiance is staying with you and YOUR fiance since the split. She hasn't been in contact with you and isn't returning your calls. You think it's her fault that things fell apart? First of all, it's really hurtful to kick someone out of your wedding, especially after they've just been through something like this. She could step down, but if you kick her out, be ready for that to be a friendship-ending move. I was worried about getting a BM dress two months in advance for my friend's wedding and it came in four days. I'm sure it would be perfectly fine for her to order later, so don't let that be your main concern. Your main concern should be her, if she's really your good friend. I get that she's not really talking to you right now, but maybe that has something to do with her ex-fiance living with you? Seems to me to be a bit awkward.
Posted by Djinxs[/QUOTE]
Well I don't want to post a whole story about someone else obviously. Our friend is her significant other, she begged to be in my wedding and I allowed it, should I have looking back probably not. She called off the wedding due to her fault, which was a huge one, having to do with with her judgement. I took ADVICE from everyone and I ordered the dressed against my families, friends, fellow bridesmaids and future husbands judgement to just kick her out of the wedding. Which I agree I was getting ADVICE for and it was not set in stone. I once again was trying to get advice. Which I did, if she steps down which she most likely will then it is on her. Thank you everyone for your responses.

peekaboo2011 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:3da2f6aa-dd82-40fc-9ff5-54eed3f3c0b3">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid..... : Its really long and alot more complicated.
Posted by jenmcbride13[/QUOTE]

<div>Look, I broke off an engagement a couple years ago. It was so insanely hard. If someone I considered a friend asked me to be in her wedding, and then allowed my ex-FI to stay with them, the friendship would have been over. I lost a lot of friends because they sided with him in the breakup. If you're taking him in, she probably feels like you're taking his side, regardless of her status in your wedding party. Add to the fact that you're on here asking how to kick her out, and that you said that it's "her mistake" to break off her engagement, and I think she knows exactly where you stand.</div>

loves2shop4shoes · April 2013

She's probably having a tough time now, seeing as her relationship just ended.

Cut her some slack.

jenmcbride13 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:68ee8d46-8200-4b71-8503-4e7543f9ff63">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid..... : Look, I broke off an engagement a couple years ago. It was so insanely hard. If someone I considered a friend asked me to be in her wedding, and then allowed my ex-FI to stay with them, the friendship would have been over. I lost a lot of friends because they sided with him in the breakup. If you're taking him in, she probably feels like you're taking his side, regardless of her status in your wedding party. Add to the fact that you're on here asking how to kick her out, and that you said that it's "her mistake" to break off her engagement, and I think she knows exactly where you stand.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]
Actually she reccomended he stay with us. It is in the area where he works.

itzMS · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:68ee8d46-8200-4b71-8503-4e7543f9ff63">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid..... : Look, I broke off an engagement a couple years ago. It was so insanely hard. If someone I considered a friend asked me to be in her wedding, and then allowed my ex-FI to stay with them, the friendship would have been over. I lost a lot of friends because they sided with him in the breakup. If you're taking him in, she probably feels like you're taking his side, regardless of her status in your wedding party. Add to the fact that you're on here asking how to kick her out, and that you said that it's "her mistake" to break off her engagement, and I think she knows exactly where you stand.
Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

Ditto to all of this. I got dumped by an ex-FI 3 years ago. Awful on all counts. Losing friends and our friends taking sides was worse than losing the man himself.

She obviously thought enough of you to want to be in your bridal party. You and your FI let her ex-FI live with you. Now, kicking her out would be such extreme insult to injury and would be eliminating any chance of friendship with her. If that's what you want, you really can do it.

kerbohl · April 2013

Some PP had a really good point - is it possible that she has cut off communication because her former fiance is at your house? Maybe she isn't avoiding you she is avoiding him? But I agree that you should just order the other dresses, tell this bridal salon that pushing you for this dress is really not going to happen at the moment due to unforeseen circumstances (and if they continue to press you, they have horrible customer service and I would like them know that they are completely out of line), and focus on your friend.
Keep in mind that your friend is probably not holding up your wedding to anger you. She is going through a rough time and has to put herself and her problems before yours. She is not being rude, she is doing what she has to in order to survive this. And whether she made a mistake or not is nobody's judgement call right now. Weddings can take a back seat for a bit in a situation like this.

kerbohl · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_awkward-question-about-kicking-out-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:1dbdd4e6-1fef-4ece-bc27-196d9d75d768Post:232ab9fa-1c84-4e15-92cf-6485b185bf0b">Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid..... : Ditto to all of this.<strong> I got dumped by an ex-FI 3 years ago. Awful on all counts</strong>. Losing friends and our friends taking sides was worse than losing the man himself. She obviously thought enough of you to want to be in your bridal party. You and your FI let her ex-FI live with you. Now, kicking her out would be such extreme insult to injury and would be eliminating any chance of friendship with her. If that's what you want, you really can do it.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

Sorry to hear about that!

Awkward question about kicking out a bridesmaid.....

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