Unreliable Bridesmaid

annmarie714 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:9b42e2fe-e439-4172-93b4-6b044ede515f">Re:Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]My mom and fianc aren't creative at all. Which is why I wanted to do these things with my girls because they are creative. And they all offered to help and promised they would. And we're doing silk flower bouquets that were making ourselves and <strong>I thought it could be nice for everyone to make their own bouquet</strong>.
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

Yeah, I'd LOVE to have you breathing down my neck as I made a bouquet for your wedding and you'd probably be telling me how awful it is--but that would give you an out for replacing me as a BM!

No one thinks it's "nice" to make a bouquet for themselves to stand in a wedding that will already cost them a lot of time and money. If you want them to have silk flower bouqets, make them YOURSELF. DIY. I feel people have explained what the Y means enough. I'll stop there.

PrettyGirlLost · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:f587c0fa-1acd-4996-bd93-c15c82fc81fe">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid : I have a lot of DIY projects. My mom and I are working on them together. So much wine involved. Not in the decorating, just in the "motivate me to get this sh!t done" way.
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]

Me too, which is one of the reasons for a longer engagement. . . so I can give myself enough time to complete things. My mother also offered to help, she loves to "craft" and she makes gorgeous fresh and silk floral arrangements.

There will be much wine invloved for us too, and it will be fun!

I don't think I can get my FI within 50feet of a craft store though ;-)

ETA: I jumped the gun with my post.

OP, that's great that people offered to help, but crap happens and people can become busy between the time you asked them to be a BM (a year ago) and the actual day you ask them to come help you make bouquets. Don't expect ayone to help you, even if they have offered.

When you are ready to actually start your projects extend a friendly invite to your BMs and say "Hey, I'm going to be making bouquets on Saturday. If you are free and would like to hang out with me while I work and have some wine and apps, please join me." Something like that. Don't pressure them into helping you though.

kcostar4 · April 2013

So sorry for being excited about planning my wedding and including my friends in the planning. Maybe back in the day being a bridesmaid meant something different. But this is the 21st century and people are wearing black to their weddings and seeing the bride before the ceremony. THINGS CHANGE. Traditions change! And me and my maids don't drink as we are underage. So again sorry for being a young bride excited to plan her wedding and hoping to get some friendly advice but instead you all attacked me. I never said I was going to ask her to leave. I was just asking for some advice, as a young bride, just beginning her planning. With a friend who doesn't really act like a friend. And for all of you calling me bridezilla. I'm really not. I'm just tired of making 110 of the effort in all of my friendships and getting tardiness and not showing up at all in return.

kmbryant2413 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:52e1a5fc-d063-40b0-9de1-3960faed1eb8">Re:Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So sorry for being excited about planning my wedding and including my friends in the planning. Maybe back in the day being a bridesmaid meant something different. But this is the 21st century and people are wearing black to their weddings and seeing the bride before the ceremony. THINGS CHANGE. Traditions change! And me and my maids don't drink as we are underage. So again sorry for being a young bride excited to plan her wedding and hoping to get some friendly advice but instead you all attacked me. I never said I was going to ask her to leave. I was just asking for some advice, as a young bride, just beginning her planning. With a friend who doesn't really act like a friend. And for all of you calling me bridezilla. I'm really not. I'm just tired of making 110 of the effort in all of my friendships and getting tardiness and not showing up at all in return.
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>So you have a friendship problem, not a wedding problem then. This has nothing to do with you being a young bride, or drinking, or traditions. You're being absurd.</div><div>
</div><div>No one attacked you here, but sorry you feel bullied.</div><div>
</div><div>Head this way --> <a href="http://www.weddingbee.com" rel="nofollow">www.weddingbee.com</a>

</div>

hgminor · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:52e1a5fc-d063-40b0-9de1-3960faed1eb8">Re:Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So sorry for being excited about planning my wedding and including my friends in the planning. Maybe back in the day being a bridesmaid meant something different. But this is the 21st century and people are wearing black to their weddings and seeing the bride before the ceremony. THINGS CHANGE. Traditions change! And me and my maids don't drink as we are underage. So again sorry for being a young bride excited to plan her wedding and hoping to get some friendly advice but instead you all attacked me. I never said I was going to ask her to leave. I was just asking for some advice, as a young bride, just beginning her planning. With a friend who doesn't really act like a friend. And for all of you calling me bridezilla. I'm really not. I'm just tired of making 110 of the effort in all of my friendships and getting tardiness and not showing up at all in return.
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think anybody made a comment about you needing to drink- another poster just said she was having wine with her mom as motivation to work on the DIY stuff...</div><div>
</div><div>Also, we aren't talking traditions here, we are talking etiquette. In your OP it was IMPLIED that you would ask her to shape up or ship out. We are trying to help you see that you can't, etiquette-wise.</div><div>
</div><div>And I agree with KM, if you are giving 110 in ALL friendships then this doesn't sound like a BM issue at all, it sounds like a friendship issue. Maybe you need to have a hang session with a few friends individually where you DON'T talk about the wedding- rekindle the friendship flame that led to them being your BMs to begin with.
</div><div>
</div>

annmarie714 · April 2013

I'm waiting for an engaged & undersage post to start...

For the love of all things, wait until you can at least drink at your own reception to get married. And not for the drinking factor--for the age and maturity factor. I strongly discourage anyone under 21 to get married. And before you think I'm some old, bitter hag, I'm 24--I know how much I changed between 19-24 and only hope you found someone like my H who changes and adapts to life with you.

TheBaysideBride · April 2013

I would keep her included and lower your expectations. My future SIL is getting married to my brother a month before my wedding, and our mutual expectations of each other are very, very low - basically, come to my shower, show up at the wedding, wear a BM's dress. At the end of the day, if she's important to you, she'll be standing up there with you, even if she's not hte one who made sure the flowers were there on time and your veil is on straight.

kcostar4 · April 2013

Just because I can't legally drink now doesn't mean I won't be of legal drinking age by my wedding. My fiancé and I will be 21 by our wedding. Hence the long engagement.

misshart00 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:b54e20c0-0860-4042-820b-0cda11d425e6">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Just because I can't legally drink now doesn't mean I won't be of legal drinking age by my wedding. My fiancé and I will be 21 by our wedding. Hence the long engagement.
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

Are you reading any of the other posts?

kcostar4 · April 2013

Yes I am reading the posts. But she had said that because I wasn't old enough to drink I wasn't old enough to get married. So I was stating that I am old enough.

JillianNJohn · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:1c9146d1-589f-43b2-812a-f075b83cf8f4">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Holy moly. No etiquette crimes have been committed here, your expectations are wrong. The only thing that your bridesmaid owes you is to stand beside you at your wedding. That's it. Nothing else! If she doesn't show up, she doesn't show up. I'm surprised that after years of friendship, you haven't figured out how to work around her timing issues. I have a friend like this, we give her a timeframe that is much earlier than the one we give everyone else.
Posted by MuppetFan[/QUOTE]

You took the words out of my mouth.

Our best mans wife is a serial slacker and she admits it! her day starts around noon. We make dinner reservations for 7 and tell her 615ish. ONCE she was on time and called us and said we were caught, it just turned into a joke between us. I was going to ask her to be a BM but had decided against it for my own reasons. She has told me shed help in any way she can as long as she can help. I think she knew I didn't ask her to be a BM bc of her flakey record but I did take her up on her offer to help with center pieces. 2 mos later we got them done. What shoulda taken 4 hours took two whole months but hey they are done, we had fun, no big deal!! I planned for that.

Makes me sad when ppl expect their wedding party to do all this stuff for them. It's not what friendship is about. I asked my MOH bc she's like my sister and she bawled when I asked her. despite moving she's giving me a bridal shower even though I made it known she didn't need to. FIs BM came to me for help with a Bach party bc he WANTS TO and had no idea where to start. I again said he truly didn't have to, we just want Him up there with us.... Oh and we did give BM 1 job that day.... Help make sure my son (he's 8) stand accordingly since she's he's a groomsman, ya know no wedge picking, no nose pickin, etc.

kerbohl · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:52e1a5fc-d063-40b0-9de1-3960faed1eb8">Re:Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]So sorry for being excited about planning my wedding and including my friends in the planning. Maybe back in the day being a bridesmaid meant something different. But this is the 21st century and people are wearing black to their weddings and seeing the bride before the ceremony. THINGS CHANGE. Traditions change! And me and my maids don't drink as we are underage. So again sorry for being a young bride excited to plan her wedding and hoping to get some friendly advice but instead you all attacked me. I never said I was going to ask her to leave. I was just asking for some advice, as a young bride, just beginning her planning. With a friend who doesn't really act like a friend. And for all of you calling me bridezilla. I'm really not. <strong>I'm just tired of making 110 of the effort in all of my friendships and getting tardiness and not showing up at all in return.</strong>
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

I think a lot of people have been in the place where you are - we all have that friend that we feel we have to make an effort to stay friends with. If she is worth it, you will take a deep breath, realize that this is just how the relationship is, and continue. If she isn't worth it, then after the wedding (since she is already a BM), you'll have to consider moving on.

Like another PP just said, this isn't a wedding issue at this point, it's a friendship issue.

And keep in mind that on the internet, tone can easily be misinterpreted, and people tend to type shorter responses than they would when talking, that might come off sounding like an attack, but actually isn't. No one here is intentionally attacking you - take everything with a "grain of salt". I've had a couple of times where it sounded like someone was insulting me, before I realized that no, they were just voicing an opinion and I was overreacting. Text can play tricks on your mind . . .

Ella and Pedro · April 2013

Hey, OP, Hallmark has come out with a new line of greeting cards, and you might want to buy one. I suggest the one that says on the front....

"So, you think you're my bridesmaid..."

and on the inside....

"HAH! Fooled ya!
But still gimme a gift,
and do stuff for me, and
love ME LOVE ME LOVE ME
cause I'M THE BRIDE!"

SarahDanielle730 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:9638a132-22f5-4c3a-955d-03fe9857678d">Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so I'm going to give as much background as possible so there is no confusion. My fiance and I have been engaged for almost a year now, and are not getting married for another year. When we first got engaged I immediately asked my bridesmaids to participate. One of these bridesmaids being a friend of mine for 6 years. She has always been the type to be late and flaky. Examples being when we would make plans for 6:30 pm I would know not to show up until 6:40 or later because I knew she wouldn't be ready, and even showing up late I'd have to wait another 20-30 minutes for her. Another example is I had planned a Christmas party and she had offered to bring drinks and pizza, and an hour and a half into the party I finally decided to call her and she said "oh sorry, I forgot, I have a thing for my school and I can't make it" so I asked if she had planned to call and tell me she wasn't coming, and she dodged the question. The last straw was last weekend I invited all my bridesmaids to come and see my wedding dress I picked out before my dad paid for it, and to look at some bridesmaid dresses, and sure enough 30 minutes late I call her and she had "forgotten" the appointment started at 2 and asked if she could come at 4!!! Now I love her dearly and shes been a pretty good friend, but I am doing a lot of DIY stuff for my wedding and need someone who will show up at noon when they said they would show up at noon. I am very torn and hurt about what to do and was wondering what would be the best way to go about asking her to step down or step up and get with the program.
Posted by kcostar4[/QUOTE]

I know i'm going to get it for this but it is YOUR day! I feel like the BP should participate especially if you are having a DIY wedding! Who else is going to do it? Just because its called DIY doesnt mean its seriously only you working. I'm not sure if you specified but if your other BM are putting in work she should too. And if she cant be even close to on time or have the courtesy to call then ask her to step down. I will agree that it will hinder your friendship but if she's really your friend she will either step up and try (because it doesnt sound like she is even acting like she wants to) or she will step down, still attend, and understand that you need her.

lovefuzzies · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:60938fc8-33c7-4744-a240-193db148a1db">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Unreliable Bridesmaid : I know i'm going to get it for this but it is YOUR day! I feel like the BP should participate especially if you are having a DIY wedding! Who else is going to do it? Just because its called DIY doesnt mean its seriously only you working. I'm not sure if you specified but if your other BM are putting in work she should too. And if she cant be even close to on time or have the courtesy to call then ask her to step down. I will agree that it will hinder your friendship but if she's really your friend she will either step up and try (because it doesnt sound like she is even acting like she wants to) or she will step down, still attend, and understand that you need her.
Posted by SarahDanielle730[/QUOTE]

No, just no. If the DIY stuff are things you and your FI can't do on your own they don't need to be done. My FI and I are DIY-ing several things for our wedding and he has been working his arse off on this stuff. Did we have offers from the BP to help? Yes. Did they ever follow through? No. Are we upset? No.

The only responsibility the BP has is to get the attire they're instructed to get (within budget) and show up at the wedding. It's nice if they do other things but don't ever set that expectation because you'll be disappointed in the long run that it's not what you had in mind.

Times have changed. Etiquette doesn't because it's timeless. The wedding day stops being YOURS alone when you invite other people.

leighlee12 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:60938fc8-33c7-4744-a240-193db148a1db">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Unreliable Bridesmaid : I know i'm going to get it for this but it is YOUR day! I feel like the BP should participate especially if you are having a DIY wedding! Who else is going to do it? Just because its called DIY doesnt mean its seriously only you working. I'm not sure if you specified but if your other BM are putting in work she should too. And if she cant be even close to on time or have the courtesy to call then ask her to step down. I will agree that it will hinder your friendship but if she's really your friend she will either step up and try (because it doesnt sound like she is even acting like she wants to) or she will step down, still attend, and understand that you need her.
Posted by SarahDanielle730[/QUOTE]

OH My OH My,
You are right, she gets ONE (1) day. Not the whole YEAR/weeks/days leading up until the wedding to make her friends work for her. Even if they volunteer to help and dont.

SarahDanielle730 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:6265702c-48f3-4cce-9f55-f1ec50ea4bba">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid : No, just no. If the DIY stuff are things you and your FI can't do on your own they don't need to be done. My FI and I are DIY-ing several things for our wedding and he has been working his arse off on this stuff. Did we have offers from the BP to help? Yes. Did they ever follow through? No. Are we upset? No. The only responsibility the BP has is to get the attire they're instructed to get (within budget) and show up at the wedding. It's nice if they do other things but don't ever set that expectation because you'll be disappointed in the long run that it's not what you had in mind. Times have changed. Etiquette doesn't because it's timeless. The wedding day stops being YOURS alone when you invite other people.
Posted by lovefuzzies[/QUOTE]

If that's how you and your hubby to-be want do to things that's your right more power to you. But to me if the BP offered and said BM doesnt even show up or call then she didn't care to begin with. So said BM has no etiquette either if that's the case. When you're late for an appointment don't you call and let them know or reschedule? Well if you don't then you have bad etiquette as well. Its simple if you said you were going to do something then do it. and if something is seriously preventing you from doing so THEN SPEAK UP! Don't just not say anything. I'm sure if said BM would have called before the events began then this wouldn't be an issue. But dont tell the bride to be that she has no etiquette because the BM didn't have the decency to text/call and let her know she couldn't come. But I will say that considering the bride to be has always known that said BM is flakey and always late then you cant expect your wedding to make her hop on the bandwagon.

annmarie714 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:60938fc8-33c7-4744-a240-193db148a1db">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Unreliable Bridesmaid : I know i'm going to get it for this but it is YOUR day! I feel like the BP should participate especially if you are having a DIY wedding! Who else is going to do it? Just because its called DIY doesnt mean its seriously only you working. I'm not sure if you specified but if your other BM are putting in work she should too. And if she cant be even close to on time or have the courtesy to call then ask her to step down. I will agree that it will hinder your friendship but if she's really your friend she will either step up and try (because it doesnt sound like she is even acting like she wants to) or she will step down, still attend, and understand that you need her.
Posted by SarahDanielle730[/QUOTE]

Judging by your other posts about how you're planning to kick out your entire BP because they can't agree on shoes or straps vs. no straps, I wouldn't put much weight into you responses. Just...no. Please stop.

<a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_grrr-1">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_grrr-1</a>

SarahDanielle730 · April 2013

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_etiquette_unreliable-bridesmaid-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:9Discussion:beca117d-5878-4414-9215-59b1d54bcd6aPost:8b2c0dbe-b995-4e0d-aaae-6bbd62450de2">Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Unreliable Bridesmaid : Judging by your other posts about how you're planning to kick out your entire BP because they can't agree on shoes or straps vs. no straps, I wouldn't put much weight into you responses. Just...no. Please stop. <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_grrr-1">http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_grrr-1</a>
Posted by annmarie714[/QUOTE]

Go choke :)

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