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Military Brides
lyssabee
member
Legally married before the wedding?
So my FI and I want to get legally married this year, when he can get leave (summer-ish). We're still planning a proper family wedding for next year, but we really need the separation allowance right now, since I'm struggling to find work and we have to, you know, pay for a wedding.
My mom isn't dead-set against the idea, but she's not too pleased about it. I'm not thrilled, either, since it isn't doing it "right", but I'm really worried about paying for life expenses once my savings runs out (which will, coincidentally, happen this summer), and I'd love to be able to visit him sometime this year (he's in Okinawa), since I haven't seen him since January second and may not be able to until the wedding.
What do you think? Should I convince my mom to go along with it, or is she right? She'd be at the legal wedding and we wouldn't really refer to each other as married until the "actual" wedding. We just could really use the money.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Legally married before the wedding?
[QUOTE]Well, for one, " we wouldn't really refer to each other as married until the "actual" wedding." -When you're married, you're married. Going through the JOP to get married is an actual marriage/wedding. Many woman on this board have gotten married through the JOP, and consider it their "real wedding." Here's the link to the post above this called "Welcome, Read this first." <a href="http://militarybrides.weebly.com/real-stories-of-the-jop.html" rel="nofollow">http://militarybrides.weebly.com/real-stories-of-the-jop.html</a> Check it out. Ultimately, you're going to do what you want to do, so really, it doesn't matter what internet strangers think. But, I'd strongly take into consideration WHY your mom doesn't like this idea of yours. Who would be paying for your Vow Renewal?
Posted by CAB1217[/QUOTE]
<div>I dont really know what "This kind of post" means eaither. I married my husband, who is an officer in October of 2012 and we will be having our vow renewal on June 1 of this year (a large, family and friends wedding) . A very select group of people know of our marriage in October because that was what my husband and I both agreed upon. My Mother knew that I would, in time have a "proper" wedding- and she also trusted and had faith in my future husband and his service to our country. I assumed and embraced immediately my devotion and service to my husband and his career as his wife- we even got married by the same priest that will marry us again in June! </div><div>What I am getting at here is that, getting married "JOP"/ getting "married" before your wedding does not have to mean skulking off somewhere and being quiet about it because it isnt "proper". You have the right to be private about your life. I am usually a very private person, and many people find it hard to understand millitary life/ circumstances especially when the lifestyle is new. I do hope that I am not offending anyone- I have learned so much this past year, and have so much more to learn. </div><div>So far, this has really worked for my husband and I. I know many couples that have done this, and I can only say that there is no "one size fits all" for all millitary couples. The only thing that matters is that you are taking care of each other and fulfilling each other! </div><div>
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Legally married before the wedding? : I dont really know what "This kind of post" means eaither. I married my husband, who is an officer in October of 2012 and we will be having our vow renewal on June 1 of this year (a large, family and friends wedding) . A very select group of people know of our marriage in October because that was what my husband and I both agreed upon. My Mother knew that I would, in time have a "proper" wedding- and she also trusted and had faith in my future husband and his service to our country. I assumed and embraced immediately my devotion and service to my husband and his career as his wife- we even got married by the same priest that will marry us again in June! What I am getting at here is that, getting married "JOP"/ getting "married" before your wedding does not have to mean skulking off somewhere and being quiet about it because it isnt "proper". You have the right to be private about your life. I am usually a very private person, and many people find it hard to understand millitary life/ circumstances especially when the lifestyle is new. I do hope that I am not offending anyone- I have learned so much this past year, and have so much more to learn. So far, this has really worked for my husband and I. I know many couples that have done this, and I can only say that there is no "one size fits all" for all millitary couples. The only thing that matters is that you are taking care of each other and fulfilling each other!
Posted by Katharine Lohan[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>One more thing.....you are arent 100 percent crazy about the idea....you dont have to do it! Only do it if you truley want to. I wanted to marry my husband 100 percent- regardless if 1 person or 1,000 people know: the same responsibility is there: youre married! </div><div>
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Legally married before the wedding? : I dont really know what "This kind of post" means eaither. I married my husband, who is an officer in October of 2012 and we will be having our vow renewal on June 1 of this year (a large, family and friends wedding) . A very select group of people know of our marriage in October because that was what my husband and I both agreed upon. My Mother knew that I would, in time have a "proper" wedding- and she also trusted and had faith in my future husband and his service to our country. I assumed and embraced immediately my devotion and service to my husband and his career as his wife- we even got married by the same priest that will marry us again in June! What I am getting at here is that, getting married "JOP"/ getting "married" before your wedding does not have to mean skulking off somewhere and being quiet about it because it isnt "proper". You have the right to be private about your life. I am usually a very private person, and many people find it hard to understand millitary life/ circumstances especially when the lifestyle is new. I do hope that I am not offending anyone- I have learned so much this past year, and have so much more to learn. So far, this has really worked for my husband and I. I know many couples that have done this, and I can only say that there is no "one size fits all" for all millitary couples. The only thing that matters is that you are taking care of each other and fulfilling each other!
Posted by Katharine Lohan[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>One more thing.....you are arent 100 percent crazy about the idea....you dont have to do it! Only do it if you truley want to. I wanted to marry my husband 100 percent- regardless if 1 person or 1,000 people know: the same responsibility is there: youre married! </div><div>
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"So if you decide to date the guy from Applebees instead will your new SN be "mypearlshisapron?" Your new sig can be "putting the ho in nachos.""- DNBeach12
I don't care if you're Catholic. Have a great spiritual ceremony. It's still a vow renewal and you're still a liar if every single attending guest doesn't know you're already legally married.
"So if you decide to date the guy from Applebees instead will your new SN be "mypearlshisapron?" Your new sig can be "putting the ho in nachos.""- DNBeach12
"So if you decide to date the guy from Applebees instead will your new SN be "mypearlshisapron?" Your new sig can be "putting the ho in nachos.""- DNBeach12
First, to Killer Cupcake: Didn't know that about the FSA, but that's not the primary concern, anyway. I'd still get BAH, since before they let me live out in town I'd have to apply for a tour conversion, and bring my fiance out here, and an additional 36 months on island.
Second, to WishICouldBeinthe: Good day ma'am. I'd like to respectfully request that we keep this civil, and ask that you refrain from calling my fiance a liar. Furthermore, there would be no misrepresentation, since we really are getting married twice. I have no intent to decieve, we would be a married couple for all legal and military purposes but in the eyes of the Orthodox Church, we would not be married. It would be a similar situation if we were to move to a country that didn't recognize our marriage. In FACT, it could be argued that to represent ourselves to the church as a married couple, could be considered a blasphemy.
FSA is not really the issue, its mostly the BAH that would make any sort of difference. As far as leadership goes, while marriage fraud in unconscionable, I would counsel EVERY Marine under my charge in my situation, where they are in love and committed to marriage anyway to have their wedding as soon as possible, just as I would counsel them to take full advantage without fraud of ANY government program that offers financial incentives.
I would also like to assure you ma'am that no jobs will be lost in the service of our gift baskets, which will not exist.
Respectfully Sent,
"So if you decide to date the guy from Applebees instead will your new SN be "mypearlshisapron?" Your new sig can be "putting the ho in nachos.""- DNBeach12
I'm also confused because you seem to suggest that geo bachelor housing is something other than barracks housing.
It is my intention to remain in my BOQ room, since unaccompanied officers below the rank of O-4 do not rate off base or family housing, marry my beloved, and then get dependent BAH to help pay for her costs.
"So if you decide to date the guy from Applebees instead will your new SN be "mypearlshisapron?" Your new sig can be "putting the ho in nachos.""- DNBeach12
"So if you decide to date the guy from Applebees instead will your new SN be "mypearlshisapron?" Your new sig can be "putting the ho in nachos.""- DNBeach12
You do seem to be labroing under the impression that I would counsel a Marine to get married for financial reasons. I would not. i merely said I would counsel them to get married to the people they love sooner rather than later. I don't see any practical purpose in waiting, if they're already committed and love one another, as my fiance and I are.
I think our essential disconnet on the lying front is that you seem to only recognize one state of marriage. Perhaps if we used seperate words. Let's call legal marriage "marriage" and for the sake of clarity, and to help avoid conflation we'll call the ceremony in the church "blarriage". Being married and being blarried are not related ideas, and the states are completely independent of one another.
Currently we are neither married nor blarried. We could get blarried tomorrow but not sign paperwork for the government and not be married. Or we could, as we are suggesting, sign paperwork, be married, but not be blarried. Eventually, it would be important for us to be blarried as well.
We would tell people we were married, but we would tell people that we were not blarried, because that is the case. Blarriage requires a ceremony in an Orthodox Church, which we had not performed.
You're getting confused because of the fact that both are called marriage.
[QUOTE]I didn't say it entitled you to less than your BAH amount. I said you will have to pay some of your BAH to geo bach housing. And yes, it is essentially barracks housing. But you still have to pay to live in it. You cannot stay in the barracks if you're married. And if your intention is to request her to come to Oki, you will no longer be unaccompanied and will rate base housing.
Posted by Killer Cupcake[/QUOTE]
It is not my intention to have her come. It is my intention to serve out my unaccompanied tour. I will look into that, I have never heard of an officer paying to live in the BOQ, whether he's a geo bachelor or a regular bachelor. I'll ask around though.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Legally married before the wedding? : It is not my intention to have her come. It is my intention to serve out my unaccompanied tour. I will look into that, I have never heard of an officer paying to live in the BOQ, whether he's a geo bachelor or a regular bachelor. I'll ask around though.
Posted by lyssabee[/QUOTE]
<div>Okay. Granted. She's not following you out there. But, you will still have to say "Hey guys, I'm married now." And then all of the rules of being a married Marine apply to you. This isn't a TDY. You're stationed there, right? Your decision to not bring her along doesn't mean that the Corps will treat you as if you're not married. You're married. You're now just a geo bachelor by choice. </div><div>
</div><div>This isn't an O/E thing. It's a Corps thing. If you're married, you do not rate staying in the barracks. You will rate BAH with dependents, and you will not be allowed to stay in the barracks anymore as if you were still a single Marine. Because they need those rooms for single Marines. That's why they have geo bach and base housing. You would need to be housed elsewhere. And geo bachelor housing is where you would be placed, and they DO charge for it. Everywhere. I know. I've been through this with my husband at three different duty stations. It's a pain. You can't live somewhere for free. </div>
"So if you decide to date the guy from Applebees instead will your new SN be "mypearlshisapron?" Your new sig can be "putting the ho in nachos.""- DNBeach12
[QUOTE]You are entitled to your opinion ma'am, but I must respectfully disagree with you. You do seem to be labroing under the impression that I would counsel a Marine to get married for financial reasons. I would not. i merely said I would counsel them to get married to the people they love sooner rather than later. I don't see any practical purpose in waiting, if they're already committed and love one another, as my fiance and I are. I think our essential disconnet on the lying front is that you seem to only recognize one state of marriage. Perhaps if we used seperate words. Let's call legal marriage "marriage" and for the sake of clarity, and to help avoid conflation we'll call the ceremony in the church "blarriage". Being married and being blarried are not related ideas, and the states are completely independent of one another. Currently we are neither married nor blarried. We could get blarried tomorrow but not sign paperwork for the government and not be married. Or we could, as we are suggesting, sign paperwork, be married, but not be blarried. Eventually, it would be important for us to be blarried as well. We would tell people we were married, but we would tell people that we were not blarried, because that is the case. Blarriage requires a ceremony in an Orthodox Church, which we had not performed. You're getting confused because of the fact that both are called marriage.
Posted by lyssabee[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>No, I am religious also. I understand what you are saying. You just seem to live in a strange world where the government doesn't own you and your entire life isn't dictated by the government. I don't know what OSO sold you that, but your life sounds fun. </div><div>
</div><div>I can't believe I have to say this, but PLEASE DO NOT COUNSEL YOUR MARINES TO GET MARRIED SOONER THAN LATER. Can you really, as someone who at least went to college, not understand why a bunch of <25 year olds shouldn't rush into getting married? You really think every Marine oughta marry his girlfriend on boot camp leave?! Because everyone thinks their girlfriend is their "beloved" on boot leave because their girlfriend isn't wearing a campaign cover. You think every Marine should marry every girl they meet in Oceanside, or Jacksonville, or Pensacola, or Quantico, or God Forbid Iwakuni or Okinawa? Just because they think they're their "beloved"?! I am so horrified by that I can't even say, and I met MH in one of those places. Should people just get married before deployments too? Please just counsel them to change their RED around before you counsel them to marry ASAP. Does your command not require a premarital checklist for all ranks? How are you going to get that done? That was almost more than my religious premarital counseling.
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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Legally married before the wedding? : Okay. Granted. She's not following you out there. But, you will still have to say "Hey guys, I'm married now." And then all of the rules of being a married Marine apply to you. This isn't a TDY. You're stationed there, right? Your decision to not bring her along doesn't mean that the Corps will treat you as if you're not married. You're married. You're now just a geo bachelor by choice. This isn't an O/E thing. It's a Corps thing. If you're married, you do not rate staying in the barracks. You will rate BAH with dependents, and you will not be allowed to stay in the barracks anymore as if you were still a single Marine. Because they need those rooms for single Marines. That's why they have geo bach and base housing. You would need to be housed elsewhere. And geo bachelor housing is where you would be placed, and they DO charge for it. Everywhere. I know. I've been through this with my husband at three different duty stations. It's a pain.
Posted by Killer Cupcake[/QUOTE]
Tracking, but here's my disconnect:
I am not, strictly speaking, choosing, to be unaccompanied. I recieved unaccompanied orders as a single Marine. I have in fact been informed that simply getting married does not entitle me to a tour conversion. One of my Marines got married here on Oki, but we had to put in a package to get her off base with her husband (also a Marine). If we hadn't submitted that package, they'd both still be in the BEQ.
As far as being allowed to be in the barracks, I don't see how they could kick me out, seeing as I'm not rated to live out in town. If they did force me off base, would I receive OHA or just BAH? Either way, I'll peruse the directives and have a chat with my S-1 about it.
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Legally married before the wedding? : Tracking, but here's my disconnect: I am not, strictly speaking, choosing, to be unaccompanied. I recieved unaccompanied orders as a single Marine. I have in fact been informed that simply getting married does not entitle me to a tour conversion. One of my Marines got married here on Oki, but we had to put in a package to get her off base with her husband (also a Marine). If we hadn't submitted that package, they'd both still be in the BEQ. As far as being allowed to be in the barracks, I don't see how they could kick me out, seeing as I'm not rated to live out in town. If they did force me off base, would I receive OHA or just BAH? Either way, I'll peruse the directives and have a chat with my S-1 about it.
Posted by lyssabee[/QUOTE]
<div>I don't think they'd both still be in BEQ. I think they'd be required to live in on base housing. Everyone has to apply to live off base when OCONUS. This isn't because they were married. It's because they wanted to live off base. </div><div>
</div><div>And you are absolutely right: getting married does not entitle you to a tour conversion. They can grant that to you or not. But you would either be receiving BAH for Oki or where your FI is living. Either way, you will need to pay to live in BEQ or Geo Bach, or where ever they place you, as a married Marine. If you weren't married and requested to live out in town, you would rate BAH at the single rate, correct? It's the same thing now. It's just that the Marine Corps is housing you in the barracks instead of giving you the money. </div><div>
</div><div>Again: No free places to live. </div><div>
</div><div>If you were forced off base (which I don't see happening), you WOULD likely rate all of the allowances due to you. But I wouldn't count on those as a source of income. You very well could be paying that all out again. That's why they're there. To pay the bills required to live out in town in a foreign country. </div><div>
</div><div>ETA: I'm also pretty sure decisions to be allowed to live out in town are also weighed against budget restraints on the military. Because it's REALLY expensive to live out in town OCONUS. And right now, I wouldn't expect that to be granted. I WOULD expect to be placed in Geo Bach or BEQ (and have to pay for it, because getting married is a choice...). </div>
"So if you decide to date the guy from Applebees instead will your new SN be "mypearlshisapron?" Your new sig can be "putting the ho in nachos.""- DNBeach12