Your relationship with your (F)MIL

MrsDouthit · May 2013

What is yours like?

I am SO excited. Today I invited mine to go look at dresses with me this Friday and she seemed super excited too!

It's so important to me that we at least make attempts at a nice relationship since of course she is so important to FI. I can be a little shy and I have to admit I get nervous because I really want her to like me! lol

We haven't really had the opportunity to spend any one-on-one time together yet so this weekend will be a stepping stone.

So, what's your relationship with your MIL like? Any sweet or horror stories?

smalfrie19 · May 2013

MIne is a GREAT BIG QUESTION MARK! Like this:

I can't really tell if she likes me. We don't do a lot together either with or w/o FI. Although she did buy me a lovely birthday gift and offered to help with the flowers as her mother taught her how to do bouquets before she passed (her mother that is). She just seems so standoffish and again, its just a big question mark....

AddieCake · May 2013

I have a great relationship with my MIL. She lives in another state, so we don't spend time together in person, though.

Simply Fated · May 2013

I get along with my bf's mom really well. We don't always see eye to eye on some things, but she has always been kind and thoughtful to me. I know I'm very fortunate because some other people's stories are just horrible.

MrsDouthit · May 2013

I love that the responses are positive. (or at least neutral, smalfrie) You only ever really hear the horror stories. Poor MIL's have a bad wrap. lol

MrsDouthit · May 2013

In Response to Re:Your relationship with your FMIL:
[QUOTE]I get along with my bf's mom really well. We don't always see eye to eye on some things, but she has always been kind and thoughtful to me. I know I'm very fortunate because some other people's stories are just horrible.
Posted by Simply Fated[/QUOTE]

I'm gonna steal your sig, FYI.

WinstonsGirl · May 2013

I have a good relationship with mine, but she also lives across the country, so that may help. She's moving out here this summer though. But I think what sums it up for me was her first reaction to me, before we even met. DH went to Europe with them for his brothers wedding. I couldn't go, due to work, and we'd only been together about 5 months then anyway. His parents knew about me, but we hadn't met. After the trip, DH told me he showed them a couple of pictures of me and talked a bit about me. Their response was that they could see how happy he was with me compared to before (not that he wasn't happy before) and since he was happy, they liked me since I made him happy. It's really awesome to have such normal rational in-laws!!

nextrightthing · May 2013

I have an okay relationship with FMIL. We haven't had a chance to spend much time together because she lives across the country. We are just starting to get closer, which is sad, because she is dying of cancer. It is heartbreaking because the better I know her, the more I like her and the more I wish she would be around for longer. Praying for a miracle.

lyndausvi · May 2013

I've been with DH for 6 years, I've seen MIL about 8-10 times (each time was a few days staying at her house). She is great, I like her, we just have always lived far away from each other. I do randomly call her from time to time to check-in, see how she is doing, etc.

When we are together we drink wine. From those drink fest I found out she thinks DH can be high maintenance and she wishes me luck with him. She actually said at our wedding "he is your problem now" - LOL. Seriously, when we met he would call her about 10-12 times a week. I think he is down to only 5-6 times a week? She seems relieved he is not calling as often.

Ummm, I wonder what that says about any of us?

MuppetFan · May 2013

Mine means well and is loving, but is overall crazy.

She used to show up at my house randomly without calling, like at 7am when I'm still in bed.

She doesn't like to tip much. She has publicly, loudly chastised me for leaving 20% tips.

She didn't approve of a house we considered buying, screamed at us in front of our realtor and my parents and didn't talk to me for over 2 months (she talked to FI though)

She cohabitates with her ex- bf and called the police when used her clothes HER dryer when she had forbidden him from using it. When they didn't remove him, she decided she was going to move in with us indefinitely until her house is sold. When we if we could talk about it first, she flipped and accused us of putting her in a position to get murdered.

She's allllll about guilt trips.

She spent a few hours in my kitchen telling me what she thought of me. She said I must not do anything for FI because he doesn't post things I do for him on Facebook like I do when he does something for me.

There's so much more but when she tried to move in with us, I was just done with her behavior. I put my foot down with FI on things related to her I have stopped letting her have control in my relationship and have stopped letting her bully me and since, it's been a lot better.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

BulgariHeart · May 2013

I've always liked my MIL. H and I have been together forever and MIL and I hit it off from the very start. She's had her moments, but who hasn't. We don't get to see her often since she lives abroad, which probably contributes to our smooth-running relationship

edited typos

artbyallie · May 2013

Both of my parents have great relationships with their in-laws, so it makes me sad that I don't. We just have really nothing in common. MIL is super conservative, passive aggressive, and a really sucky customer at restaurants. Both she and FIL will complain about absolutely nothing when we're out together and they don't tip well. They came up a couple weeks ago and we went out on what turned out to be some school's prom night. So there was a long wait. They fussed about that, and were saying they'd be talking to the manager if the restaurant was out of anything. Aside from the fact that I pointed out that the manager would be able to do exactly zero about that, it didn't even happen. They got everything that they were concerned about being out of. *cringe* I dropped an extra $5 on the table when they weren't looking, because they were only tipping a scant 15%.

MrsGandthebeag · May 2013

I love my MIL! She is so sweet. She is very generous and a genuinely nice person. She also always says how lucky she is to have me. Awwwww.

kks4471 · May 2013

My MIL is ok. H and I often don't agree with her ways, and can roll our eyes together. She means well and loves us, so I can't really ask for more. I did hug her goodbye the last time we saw her, so there's a positive step. She tips poorly in restaurants too, we've added cash on the table before leaving! They don't go out unless we're home though.

gottahavashorti · May 2013

Like others have said, not a good restaurant customer. When servers come to check back on us, BILS, DH and I quickly and firmly declare that everything is wonderful in an effort to get the server on the move before MIL can voice her complaints. Out of curiosity, how do others know that their MIL tips poorly? I've been debating bringing cash to sneak onto the table but we don't know for certain.

We don't have a strong relationship overall. Thankfully, I knew perfectly well what I was getting myself into when I married DH. The usual tactics such as bean dipping and giving firm answers/excuses etc. don't placate her. I do get along with SMIL wonderfully but she lives across the country.

Ajuliana · May 2013

Ella...your EX stabbed your FI? Holy crap. I'm thinking your MIL is the world's most understanding woman to not hold it against you (not that she should, but you know how some people make associations).

I met FIs mother at his brother's engagement party. Bride's brother thought I was 23 (I was 18) and somehow she went around for the first six months of our relationship thinking I was really that old. She made comments to her family about how she thought she liked me, but there HAD to be something wrong with a 23 year old woman who hung out with an 18 year old invalid. (FI had had an ACL repair surgery and was on crutches and didn't go out much for that first few months obviously).

Now she loves me, and openly says I'm her favorite daughter in law. I try to tone that down though, because I like my SIL and would feel terrible if she ever heard her say that.

StephJean83 · May 2013

I have always loved my FMIL. Since before FH and I were even dating she had treated me like family. It probably helps that I have known her my whole life and my parents and FILs are friends.My mom, FMIL, FH, my sister and I are getting a couple hotel rooms next weekend and going out for Mother's Day Brunch. FMIL and I have done a tone of stuff together from moving FSIL to OR to shopping weekends and dinners out.

Weezy56 · May 2013

I love my mother in law, I just wish I could find a way to get to know her better. I know she loves me and wouldn't have picked anyone else to be with her son, but it's hard to get close to her because she is extremely shy and has a hard time letting people in. All in time though

artbyallie · May 2013

In Response to Re: Your relationship with your (F)MIL:
[QUOTE]Like others have said, not a good restaurant customer. When servers come to check back on us, BILS, DH and I quickly and firmly declare that everything is wonderful in an effort to get the server on the move before MIL can voice her complaints. Out of curiosity, how do others know that their MIL tips poorly? I've been debating bringing cash to sneak onto the table but we don't know for certain. We don't have a strong relationship overall. Thankfully, I knew perfectly well what I was getting myself into when I married DH. The usual tactics such as bean dipping and giving firm answers/excuses etc. don't placate her. I do get along with SMIL wonderfully but she lives across the country.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

She asked H to help her with the math last time. Though he did try to push for 20%, she went with 15. He's mentioned that he had to have a come-to-Jesus talk with her a few years ago to get her from 10 to 15. Looks like he needs to have another one

donjoe2448 · May 2013

My FMIL overall is a genuinely nice person...... She can just be overbearing and childish a lot of the time!! My FI and I have 3 children togehter (long story, we met when I was in high school and we had our first daughter when I was almost 18, our son when I was 19 and our littlest surprised us 5 years ago.....) She is wonderful with our 10 year old daughter and 9 year old son..... They are pretty "dull" if you will, dont like being outside or being very active, would much rather sit in the house on video games or the computer. So that is what she likes, she doesnt like kids that are full of energy because as she says "It tears up her house and wears her down" That would be why I think she doesnt really connect with our 5 year old very well. She is always on the move, always doing something, always talking, never can sit still for very long. A typical 5 year old!! And my FMIL doesnt like that so therefore she never has her sleep over, come over or anything She is always buying clothes and things for the older 2 and not that often for the baby. In the past when we were young, dumb and starting out, we had borrowed money from her..... which we paid back! We havent borrowed money from her in YEARS and yet she is always bringin it up, how she does so much for us, we are ungrateful, she borrows us money and never gets anything in return. I don't ask her to buy things for the children. We have good jobs are are more than capable of doing it ourselves. But she will call me up and say Oh i bought Sadie the cutest outfit, the cutest shoes, etc...... I am grateful for that and have told her that but she just doesnt hear it!! And I tell her that she doesnt HAVE to buy things! These kids have so much clothes it is absolutely ridiculous.......

Besides the favoritism of the children, she is very opinionated. She will comment about peoples weight, what they wear, how they look, how they wear their hair, how their house looks, etc. We recently bought a nice little house, not huge like hers is but it is a starter house for us, and she went down the list of everything that she didnt like, from the size of the house to the bathroom, to the yard and even thr little front porch. If we ever say something to her or try and "argue" with her, she will act like a grade schooler and not talk to us for weeks or even months! I do my best to get along with her but it is really hard.

erinlin25 · May 2013

Overall we are on good terms, but its for sure a roller coaster! When FI and I were dating we had a great relationship, and she even opened her home to me when I moved with my FI to start his business. She would talk about us getting engaged, etc. We got along pretty well, but also I walked on egg shells for I never could tell if she was just being nice because there was no reason for her not to be KWIM?

She can be very judgy; Our biggest differences is how FI and I enjoy to drink and she thinks its the worst thing in the world (she does not drink b/c her mom was an alcoholic so she thinks everyone who drinks will be one); she likes to constantly remind us how "bad" it is. No matter how responisble we are, its always bad.

When FI was planning on proposing, things got very weird and she tried to tak him out of it because "I was not adventist." (She is, (I was rasied Catholic) her chldren were raised Adventist but all of them have chosen not to identify with many aspects of the religion). FI stood his ground, and stood up for me; When we got engaged, it was a litte akward at first-- but more so because I really pulled away since I knew her feelings regarding the issue.

As the wedding is coming closer, we have for sure gotten close again, and she has put her judgement aside for now. Few months back she came to the cake tasting with me when FI had to work last minute and that trip allowed us to talk a lot; so since then things have been less akward and we talk much more now. She is super excited for the wedding now and that has really brought us closer. She can still be "judgy" but that is her, and since she is not mean to me, I let it go.

I'm sure when babies come in the picture it wil be a roller coaster again

Peaseblossom55 · May 2013

FI's family i absolutely wonderful. His mom is great, she is so incredibly friendly and has treated me like family from the beginning. I feel real lucky that we have a good relationship. I won't just call her or email her out of the blue to chit chat or anything. I'm not very far along in the wedding planning process but I've shared details with her so far and ideas. I want her to be included in the process too.

MrsDouthit · May 2013

I am so surprised at how many people commented that their MIL's are poor tippers!

My FMIL has always been a pleasant restaurant guest when we're out, fortunately. Serving is how I put myself through school though so I appreciate that if she that way she at least hides it near me.

CLoGreenEyes · May 2013

In Response to Re: Your relationship with your (F)MIL:
[QUOTE]I am so surprised at how many people commented that their MIL's are poor tippers! My FMIL has always been a pleasant restaurant guest when we're out, fortunately. Serving is how I put myself through school though so I appreciate that if she that way she at least hides it near me.
Posted by MrsDouthit[/QUOTE]

Same! Fortunately, BF's mom is not, at least as far as I know. We don't have a super-deep relationship, but we get along well and I have no problems with her. Lately we have spent a little more one-on-one time together, so I have learned a little more about how to approach her. We are both pretty quiet people, so it takes a little while to get into conversation, but I can usually draw her out by asking about her hobbies and getting her to teach me about them - she enjoys passing things on like that.

NonosGirl · May 2013

My FILs are super nice people, very kind and generous but my FI is their only child so they (especially FMIL) can be too much for me at times. They live about three hours away from us and they come to visit for a weekend about once a month FMIL talks and talks; FI and FFIL just tune her out but I haven't learned the art yet. Also FMIL feels like she still needs to take care of her son and it drives me nuts. I'm trying hard not to let it drive me nuts and I generally feel bad when I get annoyed but it's like she pushes my buttons. Maybe it's because I've been taking care of myself for years and they still seems to need to take care of their son. I invited her to go dress shopping with me in a few weeks, hopefully I can handle it

Chipmunk415 · May 2013

Relationship is decent with the FSMIL. She's getting very excited about the wedding, and cried when I asked her to join my mom and I in dress shopping in a few months. (Planning for Labor Day weekend- her job requires her to be on call some holiday weekends, and if she asks well enough in advance, they won't schedule her for that one). That's not to say there haven't been difficulties...

FI's mom was killed in a car accident about 15 years ago. FSMIL and FFIL later met and married. FI was out of the house by this point, but FBIL was about 13-15 at the time. While FI admits he doesn't necessarily like his SM, he respects her for adopting his little brother (she never had children) and doing her best to give him a two parent home. I do what I can to keep the peace, remember she's never had kids so sometimes her reactions are based on feeling it's a personal attack rather than child-parent interactions.

I'm not trying to force a relationship on them, however my half sibs, especially my older half sister and her husband, have treated my mom (their SM) like she was lower than dirt in the past. Half bro and mom have improved tremendously, but half sis and BIL have continued to act passive agressively to the point where my mom has cried due to their treatment (and Dad nearly knocked BIL's teeth in). I swore to FI I would not let his SM receive similar treatment under any circumstances. He's fine with that, since he absolutely loves my mom and would like to deck BIL too.

wittykitty14 · May 2013

My FMIL is wonderful. We're not all buddy-buddy because FI's family is in the next state over, but it's fine. We don't need to have deep, personal conversations in order to have a good relationship. For xmas this past year, she bought me a couple of cookbooks, because she knew I wanted to be better at it. She said that her MIL did the same thing their first xmas-bought her cookbooks. She taught my FMIL how to cook, because she didn't know much of anything back then, apparently. (She's awesome now). Every xmas from that point on, FI's grandma continues to get my FMIL cookbooks. She said she wants to keep that tradition going with me! While I always knew she liked me, when she told me that I really felt like I was part of the family, which was awesome. She also defends me when FFIL and FBILs pick on me (kidding of course), which is pretty fantastic. I just love all of FI's family. There's no BS and family drama like my side. They all say what they mean, flat out. No manipulation or mind games. It's a nice change

BostonGIrl4732 · May 2013

My FILs are horrible tippers too. I used to be a waitress, so it annoys me.

FMIL likes me and we get along OK. We're very different people in some ways and too similar in others. She's used to getting her own way. If she doesn't get what she wants, she pitches a fit and everyone just caves. I'm too stubborn and I don't let childish women make major life decisions for me like where I live or what job I have. FI is on my side, but things get tense every few months.

Distance is a good thing...

Maggie0829 · May 2013

My relationship with my MIL is a nice one. She can sure as hell get on my nerves but I am sure that is normal. We get along well and can joke around with each other. We never really hang out one on one but seeing as I have known her for over 11 years there really isn't anymore awkwardness. She is a bit flightly, so to speak. And tends to act like she is still 25 rather then her real age of 59 sometimes. She used to just stop by a lot when we first moved to our new home (about 5 minutes away from her and FIL) but I think she realized after a few times from my demeanor that maybe that wasn't a great thing to do. Overall she is very nice and keeps her opinions on things to herself which is very helpful.

MuppetFan · May 2013

In Response to Re: Your relationship with your (F)MIL:
[QUOTE]Like others have said, not a good restaurant customer. When servers come to check back on us, BILS, DH and I quickly and firmly declare that everything is wonderful in an effort to get the server on the move before MIL can voice her complaints. Out of curiosity, how do others know that their MIL tips poorly? I've been debating bringing cash to sneak onto the table but we don't know for certain. We don't have a strong relationship overall. Thankfully, I knew perfectly well what I was getting myself into when I married DH. The usual tactics such as bean dipping and giving firm answers/excuses etc. don't placate her. I do get along with SMIL wonderfully but she lives across the country.
Posted by gottahavashorti[/QUOTE]

Mine is open about it. One of the first times we went out together, I paid for dinner and she was leaving the tip. About 12%. She thought that was all they needed. I was mortified. I "left my purse" so that I could come back and leave more money. We went to Vegas and i got all of us (4 people) free buffets for the whole trip. She refused to tip the servers anything because it was a buffet. I had tip for them too.

The worst time ever for me was when I paid for our half of the bill with extra tip (really, to accomodate for her crap tip that I anticipated) and she tried to apply the overage to her meal and tried to tip the waitress her normal 10%. My eyes almost popped out of my head and when I asked her to adjust it to take into account the extra I left, she got mad at me because SHE doesn't leave that much tip. FI had to take over for me to tell her that it wasn't HER money that was paying for the tip. She wasn't getting it. We actually had to remove my tip from the cash pool so that she could understand it. I added it back after the fact.

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