Help?

SaintCait · May 2013

Hi there,

I'm looking for anyone with knowledge in how to involve and yet not involve the Catholic Church in our wedding. My fiance's family is not religious, Tom and I are not religious, but my entire family is Catholic. We have no desire to involve God or the Catholic Church in our wedding but to appease my side of the family we are trying to figure out a way to ... I honestly don't know what. Does anyone know if there is some sort of blessing I can ask for from the Church or something so my side of the family is apeased? Thank you for any help/insite you can give, and please don't bible thump me, I have a family of 52 that already does that.

bunni727 · May 2013

In Response to Help?:
[QUOTE]Hi there, I'm looking for anyone with knowledge in how to involve and yet not involve the Catholic Church in our wedding. My fiance's family is not religious, Tom and I are not religious, but my entire family is Catholic. We have no desire to involve God or the Catholic Church in our wedding but to appease my side of the family we are trying to figure out a way to ... I honestly don't know what. Does anyone know if there is some sort of blessing I can ask for from the Church or something so my side of the family is apeased? Thank you for any help/insite you can give, and please don't bible thump me, I have a family of 52 that already does that.
Posted by SaintCait[/QUOTE]

Not what you want to hear, but I don't think you can. Asking for a blessing from a church you don't believe in seems silly at best, as does getting married in a church or incorporating God at all.

You should really just stand up to your family. Sorry I can't be more helpful, someone else may come along with more ideas.

daria24 · May 2013

As an atheist from a very Catholic family, my answer is no. First, throwing them a bone with a prayer or reading will hardly appease them. Nothing less than a full ceremony in a Church, performed by a priest is likely to appease them. And frankly, I think a ceremony should only involve elements that reflect the beliefs (or lack there of) of at least one partner. Having Catholic elements to appease family wouldn't honor the Church at all, it would be hollow, without meaning.

It's time to stand up for your and your FI's beliefs and stand firm. No religious elements at all, if that is what you want.

itzMS · May 2013

In Response to Help?:
[QUOTE]Hi there, I'm looking for anyone with knowledge in how to involve and yet not involve the Catholic Church in our wedding. My fiance's family is not religious, Tom and I are not religious, but my entire family is Catholic. We have no desire to involve God or the Catholic Church in our wedding but to appease my side of the family we are trying to figure out a way to ... I honestly don't know what. Does anyone know if there is some sort of blessing I can ask for from the Church or something so my side of the family is apeased? Thank you for any help/insite you can give, and please don't bible thump me, I have a family of 52 that already does that.
Posted by SaintCait[/QUOTE]

Sorry, you can't. Unless YOU fully and without reservation want your marriage blessed in the Church.

Keep in mind that if your family is particularly devout, they may not attend your wedding at all if you are a baptized/confirmed Catholic and they know that. Once a Catholic, always a Catholic. They are not Bible thumping, and that's really rude and ignorant of you to say so.

drg424 · May 2013

In Response to Re: Help?:
[QUOTE]In Response to Help? : Sorry, you can't. Unless YOU fully and without reservation want your marriage blessed in the Church. Keep in mind that if your family is particularly devout, they may not attend your wedding at all if you are a baptized/confirmed Catholic and they know that. Once a Catholic, always a Catholic. They are not Bible thumping, and that's really rude and ignorant of you to say so.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

Have to agree here. That was worded in a way that made me cringe. I think the best approach would be to not make a mockery of a faith people take very seriously as a way to "appease" them. SMH.

calliopeia2013 · May 2013

As an atheist couple with very religious family members on my side, we solved this problem because my MIL, who is a minister, was willing (and allowed by her church's rules) to perform a civil ceremony outside her church. My relatives were assuaged because the officiant was a minister, but the ceremony itself was entirely civil. Apparently my grandmother didn't even realize that it wasn't a religious ceremony; she told my mom 'I'm so glad they got married in the church!" and my mom (who is not religious) was like "Um, you realize that they never even said the word "God" once?"

itzMS · May 2013

In Response to Re: Help?:
[QUOTE]As an atheist couple with very religious family members on my side, we solved this problem because my MIL, who is a minister, was willing (and allowed by her church's rules) to perform a civil ceremony outside her church. My relatives were assuaged because the officiant was a minister, but the ceremony itself was entirely civil. Apparently my grandmother didn't even realize that it wasn't a religious ceremony; she told my mom 'I'm so glad they got married in the church!" and my mom (who is not religious) was like "Um, you realize that they never even said the word "God" once?"
Posted by calliopeia2013[/QUOTE]

Unfortunately, it wouldn't work in the OP's Catholic situation as Catholic ceremonies can only be performed in a Church.

FWIW, I think it's totally bizzare that couples try to "trick" their relatives into thinking the ceremony is religious or something else just to apease them. You're adults, you're getting married, embrace your own choices and decisions.

HisGirlFriday13 · May 2013

Weighing in as a Catholic, the Church recognises two options for Catholic marriage: 1. A full Catholic Mass, performed by a priest, in a church. 2. The blessing of a marriage performed in another church. I'm very sorry, but there is no Catholic Church option for 'we're not religious but we want to fake it so people will show up, thinks it's religious, and give us gifts.' If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to have the courage of your lack of convictions and say, 'Family, I am very sorry, but we are having a civil marriage. We hope you still will attend.'

MoxieMickie · May 2013

In Response to Re: Help?:
[QUOTE]In Response to Help? : Sorry, you can't. Unless YOU fully and without reservation want your marriage blessed in the Church. Keep in mind that if your family is particularly devout, they may not attend your wedding at all if you are a baptized/confirmed Catholic and they know that. Once a Catholic, always a Catholic. They are not Bible thumping, and that's really rude and ignorant of you to say so.
Posted by itzMS[/QUOTE]

It's more accurate to say that once a Catholic, Catholism will always claim someone as Catholic and believe that Catholism's beliefs apply to that person, no matter how much they have rejected those beliefs. But, I understand your point that OP's family potentially sees her as a Catholic who has committed scores of mortal sins and is asking them to support her publicly as she continues to sin.

OP, don't try to include prayers or readings that you do not believe in for the purpose of appeasing someone else. It won't necessarily appease them because they believe you are a sinner in their religion (which they also think is your religion.) If you can reject a religion, you can deal with your family's judgment. This will continue throughout your marriage, so I don't think it's a good idea to start a pattern of trying to appease them.

bibliophile2010 · May 2013

In Response to Re:Help?:
[QUOTE]Weighing in as a Catholic, the Church recognises two options for Catholic marriage: 1. A full Catholic Mass, performed by a priest, in a church. 2. The blessing of a marriage performed in another church. I'm very sorry, but there is no Catholic Church option for 'we're not religious but we want to fake it so people will show up, thinks it's religious, and give us gifts.' If you're old enough to get married, you're old enough to have the courage of your lack of convictions and say, 'Family, I am very sorry, but we are having a civil marriage. We hope you still will attend.'
Posted by lemclane[/QUOTE]

Just to clarify, these are not the options presented by Church. The routine options are 1) a Catholic ceremony with Mass (the communion part) or 2) a Catholic ceremony without Mass. A dispensation may, in some cases, be allowed for a marriage at another venue, such as another house of worship. These dispensations are granted on a case-by-case basis and usually for exceptionally good reasons, not to merely appease family members who want the wedding to be valid in the eyes of the Church. A person would be advised to talk to their priest about their particular situation rather than assuming that they can get the dispensation.

OP, I agree with others that trying to make a wedding something that it is not with a prayer or something will not appease anyone. If you truly do not consider yourself Catholic, the best thing to do is tell your family as much and deal with the consequences, whatever they may be, like a grown-up.

kmmssg · May 2013

I get what you are trying to do, and you are trying to assuage them and get them to calm down. We are a blended family with 4 girls - the 2 oldest are mine, the 2 youngest are DH's - but WE have 4 daughters.

DD #3 is Pagan. Biomom is Pentecostal - from generations waaaayy back. The whole dang family. Her stepdad's is too - all 9 of his siblings, all of everyone who ever was in those 2 families. We are Christian and feel our job is to love our DD and her DH regardless of their religious beliefs. That's what families do, and as Christians we aren't supposed to be choosy about showing the love of Christ. Obviously DD and her DH also love us regardless of OUR religious beliefs too! We respect our differences and pretty much leave them at the door.

She hadn't told her biomom she had become Pagan but she had confided in me and asked how to handle the wedding. She knew this was something she would never discuss with her mom, and she chooses to live many states away for a reason. Loves her mom very much, can't live near her.

Her mom would never accept this and would likely cut off contact.

DD got married at the university chapel where her dad is an alumni. MOH's DH was authorized to perform weddings (maybe thru universal life church??? Not sure, but it was legal) so he performed it at the chapel. He is also a Pagan High Priest of some sort.

She mentioned nothing at all to her mother, had vows and a handfasting. No prayer. Mom didn't ask questions, but wasn't exactly thrilled with no prayer and that they were being married by "some friend".

Quit talking to your family about the wedding with your family. Probably easier said than done if THEY are the ones who initiate the conversation. Since Marriage is a Sacrament in the church, they are going to balk, but you need to not engage in that with them. If they come, great! If not, don't let it rain on your parade.

While I don't think you mean it in a bad or offensive way, including some element of a Catholic wedding would be more offensive than nothing at all, AND it isn't what you and FI believe.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Unfortunately for your situation, OP, the Catholic faith doesn't allow much room for half measures when it comes to marriage ceremonies. It's kind of an all or nothing deal to have a 'Catholic' wedding. Theoretically you could go through all the classes, do the motions, pretend to confess, etc. But that would be pretty disrespectful to the religion, and to your own beliefs. Perhaps your family would settle for a non denominational wedding with a few scripture readings? Not ideal, but something more palatable.

gottahavashorti · May 2013

I don't believe a priest would be permitted to bless your marriage unless one of you became a baptised and confirmed Catholic, agreed to raise any children in the Catholic faith, and
1) went to pre-Cana and received the sacrament of Holy Matrimony in a Catholic church by a priest
or 2) were granted a convalidation by the Catholic church following a civil marriage and conversion to Catholicism.

While many Catholics don't agree with all of the standpoints of the Catholic church, the Catholic church is extremely specific about what is and is not recognized as a marriage as it is a sacrament.

If it becomes an issue, point out that it would be wrong and deceptive in the eyes of the Catholic church for you to go through a Catholic wedding. If they can't accept that you and your FI are not religious and it would be inappropriate for you to receive a blessing by the Catholic church, that is their problem and you can step away from the issue.

renegade gaucho · May 2013

You need to have a ceremony that reflects the beliefs of you and your fiance, and your family will just have to respect that you are adults who get to make your own decisions regarding your faith. I don't know what your plans are for financing the wedding at this point, but be prepared to pay for everything yourselves if your family decides to withdraw any monetary offers they might have made.

KDM323 · May 2013

My fiancee and I were both raised Catholic and have had the mandatory sacraments, etc.

Technically, we could join a Catholic church, attend pre-cana classes and then get married in a Catholic church with no problems.

Neither of us want to do that.

We are getting married onsite at our venue and will choose a minister (non-denominational) to perform the wedding ceremony. Both sets of our parents will be happy with that...and we are comfortable with it also.

We don't reject the Catholic faith (or any faith) but we don't attend mass/church on Sunday either so we feel it would be abusing the church to have truly catholic wedding...and also take a day/time away from another couple who potentially really values having a Catholic wedding in a Catholic church.

Would your family be happy if a minister performed your ceremony or does it have to be a full blown Catholic mass/wedding?

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