Moms and Maids

Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.

I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that the bride has let her bridesmaids down (I'm MOH) by ignoring our financial limitations, in addition to being a thoughtless and unappreciative friend, and by acting as though we just don't exist. She's always been like that - just oblivious and doesn't think to think about others, but it was never so glaringly obvious until now.

I know the other two girls are hurt, and on the day of the wedding I'd like to give them a little gift to let them know that I recognize and appreciate all of their contributions and efforts. Can anyone suggest anything? Nothing too fancy. Maybe a framed photo from the bachelorette party? Wine glass charms?

** Just a side note: The wedding day is for the bride and groom to shine, but I'd like to do this the day of because the girls already feel so ignored and unappreciated, and having to stand in the shadow of the bride all day could just add to that. I would be very inconspicuous about it - maybe taking them aside one at a time while the bride has her hair and makeup done, or on our way to the reception.
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Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.

  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]I won't go into details, but suffice it to say that the bride has let her bridesmaids down (I'm MOH) by ignoring our financial limitations, in addition to being a thoughtless and unappreciative friend, and by acting as though we just don't exist. She's always been like that - just oblivious and doesn't think to think about others, but it was never so glaringly obvious until now. I know the other two girls are hurt, and on the day of the wedding I'd like to give them a little gift to let them know that I recognize and appreciate all of their contributions and efforts. Can anyone suggest anything? Nothing too fancy. Maybe a framed photo from the bachelorette party? Wine glass charms? ** Just a side note: The wedding day is for the bride and groom to shine, but I'd like to do this the day of because the girls already feel so ignored and unappreciated, and having to stand in the shadow of the bride all day could just add to that. I would be very inconspicuous about it - maybe taking them aside one at a time while the bride has her hair and makeup done, or on our way to the reception.
    Posted by CupcakeMaster[/QUOTE]

    While the bride is completely in the wrong to ignore financial restrictions, how has she ignored you and the BMs? And the bridal party should stand in the shadow of the bride and groom on their wedding day. Its their wedding, for crying out loud.

    I would not get them a gift. think that this will going cause more tension between the bridal party and the bride.
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  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    I am with PP.  You knew how your friend was before she became a bride to be so why in the world do you think that was going to change.

    I think you getting the other girls gifts and giving it to them on the wedding day is just weird.  If they have been helpful in working with you on planning the bridal shower and bach party for the bride then tell them that you appreciate everything they have done to help out.

    I think what you are playing is a passive aggressive dig at the bride on her wedding day.

  • why did you agree to being her MOH if you knew she was so inconsiderate?

    if you feel like the bridesmaids really need to receive a gift from you I would just give it to them on another date, before the wedding. But I honestly think a verbal thank you, or a hand written card would surfice.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I agree with the PPs. A verbal thank-you and maybe a thank-you note seem much more appropriate than secret gifts on the bride's wedding day.

    This is really the opposite of what is usually posted on the boards, brides usually expect members of their bridal party to change because of the wedding but the logic still remains - weddings don't change people.

    If she really has been so awful why have you all stayed in the weddig party?


  • I see that you truly feel as though these are needed. Personally, I simply dont know when you would have the time to be alone with each bridesmaid, but thats only because I only know my schedule for my wedding day which starts at 9am with hair and make up with the girls. I dont know anything about your situation, or the time in which would be appropriate to give these girls a gift.....

    is there any way to salvage the relationship betweeen you all by getting something for everyone, including yourself and the bride, to almost bring you all back together.... a framed picture of you all with a personal note. This way you can write something extra special to the bridesmaids, include the bride, and make them still feel appreciated. You can even bring up old stories during this time to try and mend things for that day.....

    if thats out of the question something small that they can hide fromt eh bride so that it doesnt look like anyone is doing anything with out her and behind her back. Personalization mall has cute stuff.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    Could someone quote her response? For some reason I can't see it.


  • In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]Could someone quote her response? For some reason I can't see it.
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]

    it dissapeared.
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  • It's difficult to describe the different dynamics between people, especially when drama is involved, and especially online in text. So I can kind of understand why you're all responding the way you are, and maybe I'll just stick to giving them a nice card. But please just trust that in our particular situation, this wouldn't blow up into a huge rift. I don't view this as passive aggressive or a secretive dig at the bride. I was never expecting the bride to change. I'm just trying to support my friends and to show them that I appreciate all of their work. I'm not trying to cause drama. I'm trying to help mend the aftermath of the drama that already happened.


    I was really just hoping someone could answer my original question of suggesting gift ideas. I didn't want a barrage of judgment and criticism. But now I feel like an idiot for what I thought would be a kind gesture. I wasn't expecting this.
  • In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]It's difficult to describe the different dynamics between people, especially when drama is involved, and especially online in text. So I can kind of understand why you're all responding the way you are, and maybe I'll just stick to giving them a nice card. But please just trust that in our particular situation, this wouldn't blow up into a huge rift. I don't view this as passive aggressive or a secretive dig at the bride. I was never expecting the bride to change. I'm just trying to support my friends and to show them that I appreciate all of their work. I'm not trying to cause drama. I'm trying to help mend the aftermath of the drama that already happened. I was really just hoping someone could answer my original question of suggesting gift ideas. I didn't want a barrage of judgment and criticism. But now I feel like an idiot for what I thought would be a kind gesture. I wasn't expecting this.
    Posted by CupcakeMaster[/QUOTE]

    Im going to appologize for the fact that you feel baraded.... I have also had a point and time where I have posted on a thread on here and felt pinned in the corner and wasnt expecting it. I am personally trying to help you with my idea of a gift for everyone, even yourself.... I personally just cant think of a gift for you to give. I like personalization mall for gift ideas... look at their bridesmaid section because they have everything from tshirts to ornaments.
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  • In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids. : Im going to appologize for the fact that you feel baraded.... I have also had a point and time where I have posted on a thread on here and felt pinned in the corner and wasnt expecting it. I am personally trying to help you with my idea of a gift for everyone, even yourself.... I personally just cant think of a gift for you to give. I like personalization mall for gift ideas... look at their bridesmaid section because they have everything from tshirts to ornaments.
    Posted by Briannasteve[/QUOTE]

    Thanks for being understanding, Briannasteve. I like the idea of getting a little personalized something for everyone. I'll look into it.
  • Maggie0829Maggie0829 Ravens & Bohs & Crabs & O's member
    Eighth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]It's difficult to describe the different dynamics between people, especially when drama is involved, and especially online in text. So I can kind of understand why you're all responding the way you are, and maybe I'll just stick to giving them a nice card. But please just trust that in our particular situation, this wouldn't blow up into a huge rift. I don't view this as passive aggressive or a secretive dig at the bride. I was never expecting the bride to change. I'm just trying to support my friends and to show them that I appreciate all of their work. I'm not trying to cause drama. I'm trying to help mend the aftermath of the drama that already happened. I was really just hoping someone could answer my original question of suggesting gift ideas. I didn't want a barrage of judgment and criticism. But now I feel like an idiot for what I thought would be a kind gesture. I wasn't expecting this.
    Posted by CupcakeMaster[/QUOTE]

    You may not be meaning this small gift on the wedding day to do the things that are highlighted but I can guarantee that if the bride finds out that you are giving the BMs a gift because you feel like they have been slighted by her then drama will happen.

    Look, your heart may be in the right place but there is a time and place for things and on the wedding day is not the right time or place.

    If you want to thank them take them out to dinner and toast to their awesomeness, but don't do what you are suggesting on the wedding day.  Nerves and stress are at an all time high that day for a bride and what you are doing could really be taken the wrong way.

  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I agree that it will come off as passive aggressive, even if you dont mean it that way. Can you imagine how awkward the bride would feel if/ when she finds out that you gave HER bridal party gifts and she didnt? That would cause tension.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • This is a terrible plan. Your job as MOH is to stand by the bride. Your friends are big girls who could have dropped out if they wanted. Just buy their round of drinks the next time you see them. It's also really patronizing to imply they need mommyMOH to kiss it better.
  • In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids. : Thanks for being understanding, Briannasteve. I like the idea of getting a little personalized something for everyone. I'll look into it.
    Posted by CupcakeMaster[/QUOTE]

    Please don't take that bad advice. I don't know one single adult woman who actually owns and enjoys anything with her name on it.
    image
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    edited May 2013
    I agree with Retread. 

    Don't give the bms  gifts at the wedding. Get together with them after the wedding for coffee or drinks. If the wedding has been a bad experience, I don't think any of them will want a memento of it, but a round of drinks would probably be appreciated. 

    I hope the bride comes to her senses before she loses her friends.
                       
  • mc4dj13mc4dj13 member
    Seventh Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Combo Breaker
    In Response to Re:Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:[QUOTE] I was really just hoping someone could answer my original question of suggesting gift ideas.nbsp;I didn't want a barrage of judgment and criticism. But now I feel like an idiot for what I thought would be a kind gesture. I wasn't expecting this. Posted by CupcakeMaster[/QUOTE] Sorry you didn't get the answers or the support you wanted. It's funny how we think we can bring a situation to a bunch of strangers and hope they will see our good intentions. I can see you have a good heart and just wanted to tell you to not take it personally. Maybe you can put together a little "bridesmaid survival kit" as a little inside joke? Include fast flats and little goodies for relaxation because dealing with the bride was a pain. Just a suggestion. Now ladies was that so hard?
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles Denver, CO member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to Re:Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.: Sorry you didn't get the answers or the support you wanted. It's funny how we think we can bring a situation to a bunch of strangers and hope they will see our good intentions. I can see you have a good heart and just wanted to tell you to not take it personally. Maybe you can put together a little "bridesmaid survival kit" as a little inside joke? Include fast flats and little goodies for relaxation because dealing with the bride was a pain. Just a suggestion. Now ladies was that so hard?
    Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]

    Wow how wonderful you must be to show all the ladies here how they should have posted. I didn't see anyone being unnecessarily mean. Not supporting an idea doesn't mean that they don't understand the good intentions behind the idea. Sometimes the best part of getting outsiders' perspectives is that they can see the situation from more sides or think of things that you didn't.

    Isn't it better that you get people's honest opinions about an idea rather than people just supporting a bad idea and letting it backfire in your face just to make you feel better?


  • In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids. : Please don't take that bad advice. I don't know one single adult woman who actually owns and enjoys anything with her name on it.
    Posted by artbyallie[/QUOTE]

    If you read my post thoroughly you would see that I said to give EVERYONE, including herself and the bride a gift.... as a way to try and bring them back together. I think THAT is in the realm of a MOH's duty and I would be touched to recieve a gift like a personalized photo along with all my bridesmaids on my wedding day. i think thats a great way to make everyone feel united.
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  • AddieCakeAddieCake Beyond the Wall member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    In Response to Re:Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids. : Wow how wonderful you must be to show all the ladies here how they should have posted. I didn't see anyone being unnecessarily mean. Not supporting an idea doesn't mean that they don't understand the good intentions behind the idea. Sometimes the best part of getting outsiders' perspectives is that they can see the situation from more sides or think of things that you didn't. Isn't it better that you get people's honest opinions about an idea rather than people just supporting a bad idea and letting it backfire in your face just to make you feel better?
    Posted by bethsmiles[/QUOTE]
    100%. 


    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • Ditto PP's who suggested doing something after the wedding.

    I think a bottle of wine and some wine charms would be cute, but do it on a different day because, if the bride is as obnoxious as you say, doing it the day-of could make things worse.
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  • wittykitty14wittykitty14 member
    1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2013
    I don't think it's a bad idea to want to acknowledge/thank them for their help and understanding.  Just don't do it on the wedding day.  There will be enough going on.  I agree with the suggestions to do it afterwards.  I have no gift ideas other than something NWR that suits their personalities and interests, backed with a nice card.  Your heart is in the right place, but just change your timeline a little. 

    Edited for a grammar "oops"
  • In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]I agree with Retread.  Don't give the bms  gifts at the wedding. Get together with them after the wedding for coffee or drinks. If the wedding has been a bad experience, I don't think any of them will want a memento of it, but a round of drinks would probably be appreciated.  I hope the bride comes to her senses before she loses her friends.
    Posted by MairePoppy[/QUOTE]

    This.  I would not give these girls anything wedding related.  Take them to dinner after the wedding, or give them a gift card to a store/restaurant they enjoy. 

    To those coming to OPs defense, I think most of us can see OPs good intentions here - we are just trying to help her minimize any further drama that could arise.  No need to come to her defense.
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  • hgminorhgminor member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary 25 Love Its
    I know how you feel.  I, and a few close friends, were all in a wedding together for one friend.  She had a very small budget (which is not an issue) but instead of making things work within the budget she had, she went about things in a way that put a bad taste in the mouths of those involved (don't want to get to specific, but lets just say her choices about what to spend her money on led to some bad etiquette mistakes).  After the wedding two of my friends really were done and pretty much have nothing to do with her now because of the way things went down.  We had drinks and gossip time to get everything off our chest, and try now to just avoid the topic.

    I would suggest the same for you guys.  It sucks that this has gone down this way, but I think its better to just move past it.  I know your intentions for the gifts are good, but from the way you have portrayed the bride, it could open a huge can of worms on an already stressful day if she did find out.
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to Re:Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re:Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.: Sorry you didn't get the answers or the support you wanted. It's funny how we think we can bring a situation to a bunch of strangers and hope they will see our good intentions. I can see you have a good heart and just wanted to tell you to not take it personally. Maybe you can put together a little "bridesmaid survival kit" as a little inside joke? Include fast flats and little goodies for relaxation because dealing with the bride was a pain. Just a suggestion. Now ladies was that so hard?
    Posted by mc4dj13[/QUOTE]

    Now that is passive aggressive.
    BabyFruit Ticker
  • If I were a BM, the MOH giving me a gift could rub me the wrong way, as if the MOH were trying to emphasize that she was more important than I and thus had the duty to smooth things over. Even if the MOH had acted in a leadership role in wedding planning, her emphasis of her outranking me would seem weird. At best, I would wonder if the MOH understood she wasn't the second most important person at the wedding and that the bride's behavior did not reflect badly on the MOH. Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions for how to show your appreciation.
  • In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]If I were a BM, the MOH giving me a gift could rub me the wrong way, as if the MOH were trying to emphasize that she was more important than I and thus had the duty to smooth things over. Even if the MOH had acted in a leadership role in wedding planning, her emphasis of her outranking me would seem weird. At best, I would wonder if the MOH understood she wasn't the second most important person at the wedding and that the bride's behavior did not reflect badly on the MOH. Unfortunately, I don't have any suggestions for how to show your appreciation.
    Posted by MoxieMickie[/QUOTE]


    Hmm, I hadn't thought of it that way... Good point.

    At the risk of adding fuel to the fire, I'd like to explain/clarify a couple more things:

    As I said in my original post, I know it's the couple's day to shine. There's no question that they will be the stars. I fully expect us to be in the bride's shadow on her day, because that's how it should be. That's how it's been in other weddings I've been in. Bridesmaids are there to support, not to be the co-stars.

    That said, the biggest objection seems to be doing it on the day of the wedding, and I can understand everyone's point on that. My logic in this particular situation was that by the time it’s the big day we will have already been very hurt, and I didn’t want that hurt to turn into bitterness and resentment as the day goes on and the bride gets more and more attention (as she should). I thought that maybe if we could cheer ourselves up and put smiles on our faces, we would have a better chance of enjoying ourselves and celebrating the day, which would prevent yet more drama. Hopefully you can see where I'm coming from, even if you don't agree with it.

    While I'm sure it wasn't anyone's intention to be mean, the way some of these responses were phrased made them come off as extremely hostile. It was very difficult to see the points you were trying to make because I felt like I was being attacked. A little re-wording can change the entire tone of a message, and it would be nice if we all remember that in the future.

    Ok, I'm emotionally drained from trying to address everything and explain my point of view, so I'm just going to bow out here. I've done my best to defend myself and that's all I can do.

  • In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids. : Hmm, I hadn't thought of it that way... Good point. At the risk of adding fuel to the fire, I'd like to explain/clarify a couple more things: As I said in my original post, I know it's the couple's day to shine. There's no question that they will be the stars. I fully expect us to be in the bride's shadow on her day, because that's how it should be. That's how it's been in other weddings I've been in. Bridesmaids are there to support, not to be the co-stars. That said, the biggest objection seems to be doing it on the day of the wedding, and I can understand everyone's point on that. My logic in this particular situation was that by the time it’s the big day we will have already been very hurt, and I didn’t want that hurt to turn into bitterness and resentment as the day goes on and the bride gets more and more attention (as she should). I thought that maybe if we could cheer ourselves up and put smiles on our faces, we would have a better chance of enjoying ourselves and celebrating the day, which would prevent yet more drama. Hopefully you can see where I'm coming from, even if you don't agree with it. While I'm sure it wasn't anyone's intention to be mean, the way some of these responses were phrased made them come off as extremely hostile. It was very difficult to see the points you were trying to make because I felt like I was being attacked. A little re-wording can change the entire tone of a message, and it would be nice if we all remember that in the future. Ok, I'm emotionally drained from trying to address everything and explain my point of view, so I'm just going to bow out here. I've done my best to defend myself and that's all I can do.
    Posted by CupcakeMaster[/QUOTE]

    I think you were feeling attacked because people point out something you didn't even realize. It's happened to plenty before you and plenty after you. No one was hostile, you just read it as hostile. I think most do see where you are coming from, but don't want you to unknowingly make a bad situation worse. You don't need to defend yourself, its just everyone's 2cents.
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  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids. : Hmm, I hadn't thought of it that way... Good point. At the risk of adding fuel to the fire, I'd like to explain/clarify a couple more things: As I said in my original post, I know it's the couple's day to shine. There's no question that they will be the stars. I fully expect us to be in the bride's shadow on her day, because that's how it should be. That's how it's been in other weddings I've been in. Bridesmaids are there to support, not to be the co-stars. That said, the biggest objection seems to be doing it on the day of the wedding, and I can understand everyone's point on that. My logic in this particular situation was that by the time it’s the big day we will have already been very hurt, and I didn’t want that hurt to turn into bitterness and resentment as the day goes on and the bride gets more and more attention (as she should). I thought that maybe if we could cheer ourselves up and put smiles on our faces, we would have a better chance of enjoying ourselves and celebrating the day, which would prevent yet more drama. Hopefully you can see where I'm coming from, even if you don't agree with it. While I'm sure it wasn't anyone's intention to be mean, the way some of these responses were phrased made them come off as extremely hostile. It was very difficult to see the points you were trying to make because I felt like I was being attacked. A little re-wording can change the entire tone of a message, and it would be nice if we all remember that in the future. Ok, I'm emotionally drained from trying to address everything and explain my point of view, so I'm just going to bow out here. I've done my best to defend myself and that's all I can do.
    Posted by CupcakeMaster[/QUOTE]

    I dont get it. First you say that you understand that it is the bride and groom's day and the bridal party should be there for support. Then you say as the day goes on the bridal party would/ could get bitter and resentful of said attention. See my confusion?

    It is the Bride and grrom's day for the WHOLE day. They should be in the spotlight for the whole day. I guess I don't understand how that would cause resentment?

    If you need to work this hard to "cheer yourself up" for your friends wedding, I would seriously consider dropping out.

    On a side note, don't try and tell please how to post and no one was hostile to you.
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  • I like the idea of the BMs in this case, getting together after the wedding and going out for supper together. And yes, OP, as much as your heart is in the right place, the wedding day isn't the time or the place to do what you're suggesting. Personally, if my MOH pulled my BM aside to give her a gift that day, I'd feel a little hurt.

    In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids. : You may not be meaning this small gift on the wedding day to do the things that are highlighted but I can guarantee that if the bride finds out that you are giving the BMs a gift because you feel like they have been slighted by her then drama will happen. Look, your heart may be in the right place but there is a time and place for things and on the wedding day is not the right time or place. If you want to thank them take them out to dinner and toast to their awesomeness, but don't do what you are suggesting on the wedding day.  Nerves and stress are at an all time high that day for a bride and what you are doing could really be taken the wrong way.
    Posted by Maggie0829[/QUOTE]
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  • mc4dj13mc4dj13 member
    Seventh Anniversary 25 Love Its 10 Comments Combo Breaker
    In Response to Re: Ideas for a little something from MOH to bridesmaids.:
    [QUOTE]I don't view this as passive aggressive or a secretive dig at the bride. I was never expecting the bride to change. I'm just trying to support my friends and to show them that I appreciate all of their work. I'm not trying to cause drama. I'm trying to help mend the aftermath of the drama that already happened. I was really just hoping someone could answer my original question of suggesting gift ideas. I didn't want a barrage of judgment and criticism. But now I feel like an idiot for what I thought would be a kind gesture. I wasn't expecting this.
    Posted by CupcakeMaster[/QUOTE]

    That is why I posted what i did. I completely understood her intention and I wanted to validate that she had her heart in the right place. Ive been watching this board and many threads and see how a lot of posters give "Advice". In the dark with nothing but the glow of their smart phone and computer monitiors they can feel free to be snarky. It's like middle school all over again. This is an Discussion board- not an "Ask and we shall shred you board"
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