FMIL vent!

BostonGIrl4732 · March 2013

My FI was a momma's boy. She's always done everything for him. He's the baby of his family and grew up very much in a tight knit family of four. They do EVERYTHING together. He and I grew up two and a half hours away from each other. We met at school, 20 min away from where he is from. We were dating for five years before I moved home. From before he asked me out, I was very clear that I did not want to live in that area and that I wanted to go home. When it was time to graduate, I considered staying in the area for a bit because he had a good job and I figured I'd stay where ever he was and that we'd move eventually. Then my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I moved home immediately to help my parents and to take care of her. I don't regret that at all. I told my FI (BF at the time) that I couldn't leave my mom to move back. Plus at that point I had a good job. FI had always promised to move (it was a dealbreaker to me). He told his parents that he was thinking about moving and they flipped. Especially his mother.

Because he's a momma's boy, he came to me and told me that he really didn't want to move and that we needed to reevaluate. I had a hard decision to make. I knew that this wasn't really how he felt (he'd been telling me for five years that he really wanted to move), but instead how his mother felt. And I wasn't OK playing second fiddle for the rest of my life. So I made a hard choice. I told him that I'd been very clear about the moving thing being a dealbreaker from day one. Now, with my mom being sick, it was even more so. I couldn't move someplace where I knew I was going to be unhappy and would feel like I abandoned my dying mother. So it was up to him to make a choice. He could choose to live near me and move forward with our future, or he could choose his mother and stay where he was, alone.

My FI chose me. We got engaged. He moved (though we did find a compromise - we live 45 minutes from my parents and an hour and a half from his). His mother pitched a serious fit. He ignored her. She threatened to never visit us. She's visited the same amount of times my parents have. She eventually apologized because when he set boundries, she realized she was going to lose him all together if she didn't start respecting him as an adult.

It was hard for my FI. I'm very proud of him for coming as far as he has. But the big thing was, he WANTED to change. He say how her behavior was crazy at times. And he put a stop to it. If he hadn't, I would have walked away after six years. It would have sucked. I love him and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But I also know it wouldn't have worked out in the long run if I was miserable every day living as Debra of Everybody Loves Raymond. And he wouldn't have been happy with a miserable wife.

Good luck.

arendiva · March 2013

I just can't get over the fact that she goes into your room and makes your bed. To me that is a much more offensive issue than her buying groceries. I would feel so violated if someone let themselve into my house when no one was home, went into my bedroom and riffled with my sheets. Like honestly I would have a cometo jesus talk with her and if my fiance didn't 100% stand on my side during that dispute I would be walking. That is to me a privacy violation on par with digging through my panty drawer, or looking into my nightstand. Totally unacceptable.

MsYeck · March 2013

First off you an get out of he relationship you just don't want to. The fact that you are already referencing it failing BEFORE marriage almost makes it almost certain to fail since mentally ou are already preparing yourself for that. You also sound like you need to grow a backbone and have a "come to Jesus" talk with the fiancee that lays out exactly what has to change NOW for ou to continue be with him and be willing to walk aa if things don't change NOW.

MuppetFan · March 2013

thanks for all your advices....I know that it's also my FI's problem, but he has been that way all his life....I feel like I either have to take it or we may have to split up...I don't know if there's anybody out there that have the same problem and was successfuly changed their husband's behavior (instead of splitting up)..

First of all, seriously, postpone your wedding, if this can be corrected, it's going to take a lot longer tahn 2 months.

I've had a substantial FMIL problem. She was really disrupting our lives together with her nosiness, assumptions, spying and downright bullying me. When I complained about it, FI would become defensive of her.

We moved into the house we were buying and soon after, she told us she was moving in with us and FI said okay without consulting me. Not okay. I drew the line and gave FI an ultimatum. He needs to treat me like his wife, honor boundaries that we set, respect decisions we make together, and stand up for me and stand up to her if necessary.

If he didn't want to do that, he can go live with her. I absolutely was ready to cancel our wedding and give him back the ring. I was dead serious, he knew it. I am divorced, I do not want to be divorced twice. He started to implement the changes and we're much better now.

Just a note, it's really hard to read your posts without paragraphs

katherinedw78 · May 2013

Oh my gosh, I thought I had it bad with my FMIL, but your story is just BEYOND. My wedding planning experience has been just awful because my FMIL thinks she's entitled to be involved in every single decision. She's thrown a fit over every decision we've made. She literally threw a tantrum that we are getting married in my hometown (where my fiance and I also currently live) and not her son's hometown! When my fiance's parents visit, she throws me out of my kitchen, brings coolers of food because she thinks I can't cook for my fiance, and is just generally awful. She said to my face that we are still children and she will continue to butt in despite both of us telling her to butt out (nicely) multiple times. Keep in mind, my fiance and I are 34 years old, both with good jobs. He's served in Afghanistan and I was the primary caretaker while my mother was dying of cancer. There is absolutely no arguing that we are independent adults. There have been many, many tears throughout this process. HOWEVER, the difference between my story and yours is my fiance has been on my side from the start of this. He has had many conversations with his mother about backing off. Granted, she hasn't and it remains a process (there was yelling-hers- and tears-mine-just this weekend when she magically decided to add more people to our guest list. She already has included EIGHTY people on our guest list), but he always stands up for me. He says "my job is to take care of you" regardless of his mom's (and really both his parent's) meddling ways. Even with him on my side, I am still so, so terrified to have a baby in this family. I recognize this will be an ongoing struggle and stress throughout our marriage. But we continue to talk about it and work together to find ways to set boundaries and make it clear that WE are a family unit. There are two people in this marriage. (And thank goodness my future in laws live a five hour drive from us. I can't imagine living down the street!)

I fear if your fiance doesn't understand that his mother's behavior is COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE, you will be absolutely miserable. This is bad for the health of your marriage and, when you have a baby, unhealthy for that child. We all get that it's hard for a mom to let go of her child. And I would never expect my fiance, or yours, to cut his parents out of his life. They will alway be a part of our life and that's a good thing in the long run. But she has to let go. There has to be boundaries. If not, she could very well drive you away. You are not crazy. You don't have to put up with this. No self-respecting woman would. I try to tell myself not to take it personally because I'm sure my FMIL, and yours, would do this to any fiance of her son's. But she just may end up with a single son. Please get on the same page with your fiance. This is not a sustainable living arrangement. I wish you the best. Stay strong!!

katherinedw78 · May 2013

And also, many parents help grown children purchase a home (ours included). This doesn't give them the right to a key to the house. Please don't say "this is our fault." I see so much of yourself in me. I've spent the last year trying to get them to be reasonable. I realize they won't and my fiance and I can only manage their behavior and set boundaries. You and your fiance need to get on the same page. Sorry - not to go on and on - but your story hit a nerve!

MissMolly · May 2013

Oh boy, Addie, you totally took the words right out of my mouth!

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

MairePoppy · May 2013

This is an older thread. The post dates are under screen names, where the join date used to be.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Yeah I thought it was familiar, but the new layout shoved it to the top. Let chaos reign!

FMIL vent!

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