Reciprocity

rasberi89 · May 2013

We recently had a wonderful destination wedding. Since the 38 guests that attended did need to buy plan tickets for about $500 each, we paid for lodging and 50% of the meals for our friends, this made it approx. $950 a head.

We had a couple come to our wedding, the man was friends with my husband and his fiance and him are getting married in a few months. A week before, they sent save the dates for their wedding to everyone of my husbands friends at our wedding but us. It really upset me that a week before my wedding that was a piece of stress added to me and it was a huge "elephant in the room" the entire time at the wedding. The women constantly brought up how lovely she thought the wedding was and that it provided great inspiration for her own, without ever acknowledging that we weren't invited. It almost felt like maybe the invite was lost in the mail! (it wasn't, we arent invited)

I can't help but feel that we were taken advantage of. If we can't be invited to their wedding, totally fine with me, just do not accept our generosity. Even if they are having a smaller cheaper wedding and cant "afford" more people- they obviously were able to afford $1K on plane tickets to come to ours.

I really appreciate anyone's thoughts on the situation and how I should potentially address it. They are within our mutual group of friends and we see them several times a year. To be honest, the most spiteful part of me wants to send them a bill.

bakerie · May 2013

Do not address it, and good lord, DO NOT send them a bill. I hope you were joking about that. It was very generous of you to pay for lodging for people but you chose to do that, no one forced you. Wedding invitations are not tit for tat. It's fine to be disappointed that you're not invited, but not angry. You don't know their reasons. Just let it go.

STARMOON44 · May 2013

Get over yourself. They didn't add a big piece of stress to your wedding, you chose to take that on. They don't owe you reciprocity- maybe you just consider them closer Friends than they do you. Since you're not 7, this should be okay. Maybe they were uncomfortable inviting you to a modest wedding when you went so over the top. These people came and celebrated your happy day. Be grateful.

misshart00 · May 2013

I understand being disappointed. But how do you know you weren't invited? It's very possible the invitation was lost. Unless you asked them, you have no way of knowing.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

That is a horrific idea. Agree with the above. Disappointment is ok. If you only wanted to invite someone because htey'd invite you to theirs in return, that was silly. I asume you invited them there because you wanted them to celebrate with you. And that's what you got. Don't let it effect you. You described your wedding as wonderful. That's all that matters. Who cares about someone else's? Go out the night of their wedding on a romantic date and celebrate how awesome being married is. Don't dwell on someone else.

allispain · May 2013

I know I would have been extremely frustrated as well that the soon-to-be-bride was talking constantly about her own wedding in front of you, knowing you knew you were not invited. That's just rude. However, imagine how you would have reacted to someone who approached you and said "Why am I not invited to your wedding?" Awkward, right? I know that you spent money to host them - that's what happens at weddings. As PP said, you went above and beyond the norm by paying part of the meals and all of the lodging for your guests, but you chose to do that - they didn't ask you to.

Is it annoying? Yes. Is it rude of her to talk about her wedding in front of you? Pretty much. Will this in any way change how wonderful your wedding was? No. So let it go and enjoy the fact that you're married.

rasberi89 · May 2013

I appreciate your point, especially tit for tat and completley agree. I should be clear, I'm not upset about not being invited to their wedding, I'm upset that they accepted coming to mine considering the circumstances. Putting myself in their shoes, I would have felt uncomfortable accepting. If they felt that it was strange based on their feelings for us to be invited to a small wedding where there was a lot done to show the people we love we are so happy they are there, perhaps they shouldn't have accepted? Essentially, they gave into the desire to accept a free vacation. I'm curious your point of view in this respect?

misshart00 · May 2013

rasberi89 said:
I appreciate your point, especially tit for tat and completley agree. I should be clear, I'm not upset about not being invited to their wedding, I'm upset that they accepted coming to mine considering the circumstances. Putting myself in their shoes, I would have felt uncomfortable accepting. If they felt that it was strange based on their feelings for us to be invited to a small wedding where there was a lot done to show the people we love we are so happy they are there, perhaps they shouldn't have accepted? Essentially, they gave into the desire to accept a free vacation. I'm curious your point of view in this respect?

I guess I don't understand your point. You're nt mad because hey didn't invite you. You're mad because they came to your wedding? I understand that you paid a lot, but when you invite someone, they can accept. You invited these people because you wanted them at your wedding, right?

AddieCake · May 2013

I think her point is that she is shocked they would accept the generosity of having so much paid for by a couple knowing full well they were not even inviting that couple to their wedding later.

I agree with you, OP. I would have a hard time accepting you paying so much for me as well. Unfortunately, being hurt about it is as far as you can take it, so just let it go. Bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die, you know?

vanityink · May 2013

rasberi89 said:

I appreciate your point, especially tit for tat and completley agree. I should be clear, I'm not upset about not being invited to their wedding, I'm upset that they accepted coming to mine considering the circumstances. Putting myself in their shoes, I would have felt uncomfortable accepting. If they felt that it was strange based on their feelings for us to be invited to a small wedding where there was a lot done to show the people we love we are so happy they are there, perhaps they shouldn't have accepted? Essentially, they gave into the desire to accept a free vacation. I'm curious your point of view in this respect?

They took time out of their busy lives to come celebrate your and your husband's love. I still say you have no right to be angry in the slightest. A little disappointed there's no invite, maybe, but IMHO you're entirely in the wrong for feeling miffed. They were there on your day FOR YOU. Did you really not want people you care about there because they're embarrassed about whatever reason they had for (possibly) not inviting you? That's such a strange idea in my view.

ETA: Spelling

rasberi89 · May 2013

I misshart! I think i responded to you by accident

Correct, if they thought we weren't as good of friends as we thought (and made this clear by sending out save the dates to everyone in the group accept us before the wedding), I think it was inappropriate to accept. Since if they don;t care for us to see their nuptials, they can't really sincerely care that much to see ours.- and that was the point of the trip. In trying to think of a similar example that isn't even as sacred, if a company was recruiting me to work for them and as part of this I got to go all expenses paid to interview somewhere great, if I knew I didnt want to work for them, I wouldnt accept the trip.

rasberi89 · May 2013

I misshart! I think i responded to you by accident

Correct, if they thought we weren't as good of friends as we thought (and made this clear by sending out save the dates to everyone in the group accept us before the wedding), I think it was inappropriate to accept. Since if they don;t care for us to see their nuptials, they can't really sincerely care that much to see ours.- and that was the point of the trip. In trying to think of a similar example that isn't even as sacred, if a company was recruiting me to work for them and as part of this I got to go all expenses paid to interview somewhere great, if I knew I didnt want to work for them, I wouldnt accept the trip.

STARMOON44 · May 2013

Or maybe they figured it was important to you to have them at your wedding, so they went. Even though it isn't important for them to have you there. They did something nice for you! How much money you spent on all of this is irrelevant.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

rasberi89 · May 2013

Im sorry, but this response doesn't add much value since my point is that I felt they were not there to celebrate my day, they accepted a free trip, which is childish. Being embarrassed to invite someone to your modest wedding since theirs was more expensive is a very childish way of thinking. I suppose someone who thinks this way might accept a free trip.

misshart00 · May 2013

But the point is that you still chose to invite them to yours. The money factor has nothing to do with it. If you didn't want them to take advantage of a free trip, you shouldn't have invited them or shouldn't have paid for their trip.

I get being upset. I probably would be too, but the other couple didn't really do anything wrong.

Edit: I don't know why everything is in a gray quote box when I didn't quote anything.

Kate61487 · May 2013

rasberi89 said:

I misshart! I think i responded to you by accident Correct, if they thought we weren't as good of friends as we thought (and made this clear by sending out save the dates to everyone in the group accept us before the wedding), I think it was inappropriate to accept. Since if they don;t care for us to see their nuptials, they can't really sincerely care that much to see ours.- and that was the point of the trip. In trying to think of a similar example that isn't even as sacred, if a company was recruiting me to work for them and as part of this I got to go all expenses paid to interview somewhere great, if I knew I didnt want to work for them, I wouldnt accept the trip.

But it's not the same thing at all. The reason for the trip was to see YOU get married; not to accept a "BFF" friendship bracelet that means you'd invite each other to your social events forever. Just because they didn't invite you to theirs doesn't mean they didn't want to see you get married. In your interview scenario it's like: you paid for the interview travel; they wanted/accepted the job, but now they don't want to hire YOU to work for their side business. See what I mean?

bakerie · May 2013

rasberi89 said:

I misshart! I think i responded to you by accident Correct, if they thought we weren't as good of friends as we thought (and made this clear by sending out save the dates to everyone in the group accept us before the wedding), I think it was inappropriate to accept. Since if they don;t care for us to see their nuptials, they can't really sincerely care that much to see ours.- and that was the point of the trip. In trying to think of a similar example that isn't even as sacred, if a company was recruiting me to work for them and as part of this I got to go all expenses paid to interview somewhere great, if I knew I didnt want to work for them, I wouldnt accept the trip.

But that's not even close to being the same thing. Look, you invited them to your wedding, so clearly you wanted them there. And they came. For God's sakes, they spent $1000 to come! Clearly, they did care about seeing your nuptials. Again, you have no idea their reasons for not inviting you. Just be grateful they came to your wedding, and move on.

NYCBride2013 · May 2013

OP- I can understand your frustration. FI and I are invited to a wedding next month for a friend of his but we are not inviting them to our wedding due to guest list constraints. We were really torn on whether to go or not. We decided that we would attend because they invited us, hopefully, because they wanted us to celebrate their day with them which is completely unrelated to our wedding. However, if their wedding was the same situation as yours I would definitely decline because I would feel uncomfortable taking all of that money from you. It seems like they wanted a vacation and you provided a great cost saving alternative! I would just let it go at this point though. You can't say anything and if they invited all of your friends but you they probably aren't your friends so it's not worth hanging onto the anger.

Can't say I agree with you on your work example. I would probably go on the interview but it would depend on the location!

TheBaysideBride · May 2013

I think you're looking at this the wrong way -- your friendship means enough to them that they were willing to spend a lot of money to come to your wedding. People do that because they care about you. There are a lot of other ways they could have spend $1,000 - and when you factor in all the extra expenses (clothes, nails, transport to airport, etc) I'm sure it was more than that. I would be flattered that they came to your wedding, even though they might not be including you in theirs.

Jen4948 · May 2013

I agree with Addie. Yes, I would be very annoyed if a couple came to my wedding and kept talking up another wedding that I wasn't invited to. But there really isn't any classy way to deal with that besides what we call bean-dipping (politely changing the subject) and not bringing up your disappointment. If you were to do so it could be interpreted as "sour grapes" which isn't what you want.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Im sorry, but this response doesn't add much value since my point is that I felt they were not there to celebrate my day, they accepted a free trip, which is childish. Being embarrassed to invite someone to your modest wedding since theirs was more expensive is a very childish way of thinking. I suppose someone who thinks this way might accept a free trip.

I'm trying to get my typing outside of the gray box, but it isn't working. So you think they were there only for a free trip? If you think so poorly of them to think that they would do this, why did you invite them in the first place?

misshart00 · May 2013

I still want to know how you know you weren't invited. The invitation could have gotten lost in the mail.

NYCBride2013 · May 2013

TheBaysideBride said:

I think you're looking at this the wrong way -- your friendship means enough to them that they were willing to spend a lot of money to come to your wedding. People do that because they care about you. There are a lot of other ways they could have spend $1,000 - and when you factor in all the extra expenses (clothes, nails, transport to airport, etc) I'm sure it was more than that. I would be flattered that they came to your wedding, even though they might not be including you in theirs.

I am not sure I agree with this. If I was spending $1,000 to go witness someone's nuptials I would most likely be close enough to them to invite them to my wedding (unless the wedding is family only or something similar). If these people were not important enough to be invited to your wedding, when you invited several other friends in one circle, why would you spend that kind of money to go to their wedding?

daveANDkristen · May 2013

misshart00 said:

I still want to know how you know you weren't invited. The invitation could have gotten lost in the mail.

I want to know this too. OP, I can understand where you're coming from. Even if this couple had the best of intentions, and flew to your DW because they genuinely wanted to celebrate your wedding and not just for a cheap vacation, I would be hurt that the bride-to-be went on and on about her upcoming wedding in front of you, knowing that you weren't invited. That's shitty. But I agree with PPs that you do have to let it go and move on.

Kate61487 · May 2013

LMc0322 said:

Im sorry, but this response doesn't add much value since my point is that I felt they were not there to celebrate my day, they accepted a free trip, which is childish. Being embarrassed to invite someone to your modest wedding since theirs was more expensive is a very childish way of thinking. I suppose someone who thinks this way might accept a free trip.

I'm trying to get my typing outside of the gray box, but it isn't working. So you think they were there only for a free trip? If you think so poorly of them to think that they would do this, why did you invite them in the first place?

@lmc0322 When you quote make sure you click in the white space below the quote box before you start typing.

rasberi89 · May 2013

I actually don't, since your interpretation leaves out my point that you knew all along you weren't going to accept the job, its false pretenses. Instead, I think the right think to do is to politely decline and allow the employer to invite someone else to interview.

MuppetFan · May 2013

Though I understand the hurt feelings, you chose to invite them because they are meaningful to you and to subsidize your guest accommodations and they accepted your offer, invested their time in your event supported you. End of transaction. There is no violation here.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

LMc0322 said:

Im sorry, but this response doesn't add much value since my point is that I felt they were not there to celebrate my day, they accepted a free trip, which is childish. Being embarrassed to invite someone to your modest wedding since theirs was more expensive is a very childish way of thinking. I suppose someone who thinks this way might accept a free trip.

I'm trying to get my typing outside of the gray box, but it isn't working. So you think they were there only for a free trip? If you think so poorly of them to think that they would do this, why did you invite them in the first place?

@lmc0322 When you quote make sure you click in the white space below the quote box before you start typing.

I don't know if it's my Internet Explorer or what, but this is no longer an option. There's only a tiny little white space under the box and I can't click into it Silly new board.

rasberi89 · May 2013

Thats what I kept thinking! I thought it was impossible. Its confirmed via other friends.

annathy03 · May 2013

I would be hurt too, but there is nothing to do about it beyond having some wine. The only thing she did that was rude was to talk about her wedding to you knowing they hadn't invited you, but there is no graceful way to address that.

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