Reciprocity

rasberi89 · May 2013

Ctexasgurl26 said:

SorryI read several threads before I posted and confused some of the facts. Still doesn't mean she had to go to the breakfast because you guys were hosting. Since this situation involves your DH, I would just forget about it. You never know when something could come back to bite you when it comes to office politics. Edited for clarity

office politics? not sure what you mean. nobody from either of our jobs was invited

[Deleted User] · May 2013

I would probably be as upset to be honest, but what's done is done. All the etiquette rules say you don't have to invite everyone who invited you (I would feel obligated though). I do think it was rude of them to accept with how much you spent on them, then not even invite you, but you can't rule other people's etiquette, only your own. It sucks that it affected your wedding day, but you need to just get passed it. Do not address it; let it go.

StephJean83 · May 2013

I sometimes get sick eatting breakfast too soon after waking up on the morning. Did you provide what would be served for breakfast? If you had bagels, waffles, french toast, and pancakes listed but not fruit or yogurt or eggs, she might have thought there wouldn't be much for her to eat if she has a food allergy.

As far as the actual invite/STD and being or not being invited, they don't owe you an invite to their wedding. I actually know a couple so sent STD last spring for their fall wedding. The groom was in a fraternity in college and invited a large chunk of guys from the frat. There was probably 7 or 8 guys from the house who were married last year, and all invited some other guys from the house. Groom A sent STD to Groom B, even though Groom B was getting married before Groom A. Groom B never once considered putting Groom A and FI on his guest list, and told them as much. Groom A still sent Groom B and Wife an invite and they came. Yes I know Groom A and FI were hurt about hitting being invited at first, but later said it was nice to save on the hotel, gift, dress and gas for the car by being able to stay home.

For my own wedding, I was in a youth group on high school and college and during its duration was invited to a lot of weddings of members. Most of them I have lost touch with or we have drifted apart and are FB "friends" only and aren't on my guest list. My FH was invited to a lot of weddings during his days in college and shortly after who didn't make the guest list. People have different budgets/ family obligations/ thoughts on friendships that may not match up with another person who's wedding they were invited to and attended. I was MOH in my friend from school's wedding a couple years ago, she will be invited but isn't in my BP as we aren't close friends as we were and I have other friends who I am closer to that will be in my BP. That is just how life works out.

32daisies · May 2013

Is it just me, or does it seem like this is one of those times where there's one issue you *do* have a legitimate beef about, but the rest you don't, so you really need to get over those parts?

Inviting someone to your wedding doesn't mean they have to invite you to theirs. And accepting something that is freely offered is never a sin. I think you have to let go of any bitterness you're feeling about not getting invited to her wedding, or that you paid for what was essentially a vacation for her, or that she didn't come to breakfast, or whatever. Those are none of your business. You invited her, and you offered to provide certain things, and she accepted. You can't hold that against her.

What she did do that was rude, imho, was the gushing to you about her wedding when you're not invited to it -- because that would have been rude *anywhere*, not just at your wedding. If you saw her at a party, or a restaurant, or the grocery store or at bingo, and she babbled on and on to you about how awesome her wedding is going to be, with you standing there all the while knowing you're not invited, that's rude. As brides, we all know it's rude. So be annoyed with her about that, if you want, but the rest of it isn't really justifiable.

Djinxs · May 2013

Just throwing this out there, but I have some pretty bad social anxiety and I doubt I would have come to breakfasts, too. It's difficult for me to spend a lot of time around groups of people, even friends, and it drains my energy big time. So with everything else going on and big events to plan for, it's also possible she just needed some time to decompress and not be around people.

I do think PPs are right and this isn't something you should focus on. I also don't get all the people saying they should have declined if they knew they weren't inviting you. You invited them and offered to pay for stuff on your own, not with any expectation of reciprocity (I hope), so I don't think it was rude that they accepted. You invited them!

She was rude to go on about her wedding, though.

nextrightthing · May 2013

I'm with 32daisies and Stage on this. It was really shitty for her to talk about her wedding with people who are not invited (if, in fact, you aren't invited, which I certainly don't think has been established). Not coming to the brunch is not something you have any right to be upset about, imo. We tell people all the time that your wedding is one day, not a weekend or four days or whatnot. You chose to have a DW, but that doesn't mean everyone has to invest more time in your wedding than the ceremony and reception. While not partaking in the festivities was not what I would do, it isn't against etiquette. Same thing with inviting or not inviting you to her wedding. It isn't tit for tat.

TheBaysideBride · May 2013

Get over it! you're not invited, appreciate that they made the effort to come to your wedding, and understand that there is NO reciprocity in weddings! I'm not inviting some women whose weddings I was IN!! I'm sure when they sat down to make their list, their immediate concerns were their families, budgets, etc. Do not take this so personally, you will drive yourself crazy!

With them well (for real) and don't be a wedding guest-zilla.

TheBaysideBride · May 2013

And maybe she didn't come to breakfast bc her and her FI were having some banging wedding sex! Who cares! Maybe she took an ambien and was conked out. God help me if I actually notice who attends these events at my own wedding.

Reciprocity

Re: Reciprocity

Choose Another Board

Search Boards