sex...

Lyds85 · May 2013

I love my FI he's great. He was also my first (if you get my drift). Sometimes I get this thought in my head... like, is this really the only guy ill ever sleep with? I know it sounds terrible. I'm not having second thoughts, I'm satisfied in bed...just wondering if I made a mistake by not sewing my wild oats first... I probably sound like a crazy person...

0Face · May 2013

*cliche question*

How old are you?

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

Everyone has regrets. Everyone.

baconsmom · May 2013

Sewing your oats to what, a blouse?

Lyds85 · May 2013

Im 27 now but we have been together since I was 19. I never had these thoughts until now (2 1/2 months before the wedding)

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

How old is he? Does he also wonder?

hmonkey · May 2013

don't discount how important an std-free life is.

Lyds85 · May 2013

He's 11 years older than me and has been with 4 other people.

Lyds85 · May 2013

That's true about the std's

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

Oh. Yeah, I think I'd regret not having sown wild oats if my husband had a lot more experience than me.

Can we talk about what in the hell a 30 year old was doing dating a teenager?

alikatt17 · May 2013

I've only been with DH since I was 15 and he was 17. We've never been with anyone else and I'm perfectly ok with that. We're both satisfied so I've never thought about that. If I'm missing anything, I have no clue what that might be.

zsazsa-stl · May 2013

Don't mess with happy and satisfied. You are assuming that those "wild oats" experiences would have been good experiences.

Lyds85 · May 2013

@returnofkuus I was at my friends party and he was the neighbor. I persued him, he was hesitant at first because of the age but we hit it off right away and We took things slowly. It's a big age difference but most of the time I don't notice it.
I think the fact that he's had other flings but I haven't sometimes bothers me.
@zsazsa you are right, the "wild oats" may not have been all that anyhow

keochan · May 2013

I've been with FI since I was 16 and him 18 and we've only been with each other. We're both satisfied so why want something else? Or wonder about it? For all you know you could have been with someone else and had the worst sex ever just as likely as the best ever, but you KNOW your FI gets you where you need to go, if you catch my drift.

0Face · May 2013

I think the OPs are right on. Don't mess with what you have. If it's good, not all wild oats are worth it. Seriously.

The fantasy is always better, I'm just gonna say that.

GBCK · May 2013

there's also the very basic logic...

you have 3 options:

1-break up with someone you want to marry so you can sow wild oats (which, eh, isn't all bad)

2-Cheat on someone you want to marry so you can sow wild oats

3-assume wild oats aren't worth it and marry him.

Cost benefit would probably lead you to 1 or 3...

kerbohl · May 2013

My FI is my first boyfriend (and it's not like I was young - I was 24 when we started dating - I really enjoyed being single until then), and we're waiting for marriage, so I will not get a chance to "sow wild oats". The weird thing is, I NEVER had doubts about it until my sister and my own mother started telling me that it was weird to want to marry my first boyfriend and I should go "see what was out there". So I hemmed and hawed about what they said, and then came to the exact same conclusion that GBCK did - I could break up with him and sow those wild oats and end up losing someone I love for the small chance of finding someone better, or not break up and cheat on him while we are in a LDR and still risk losing him, or realize that sometimes my mother and sister don't know best and just bask in the fact that I get to have lots and lots of STD free sex with one man my whole life. Wild oats - overrated. It's okay to have doubts, but at the end of the day, you probably aren't missing out.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

I honestly do think that it's good to have some life experience before settling down. And I do think that this vast a gap in age and life experience is a bad, bad idea.

If you don't want to marry him without ever having any more life experience, then don't. I wouldn't cheat, but breaking up to have life experiences isn't the worst thing in the world. And if you lose him forever, well, then it's not as though there are only four men in the world and one that you're capable of loving.

GBCK · May 2013

I'm actually w/ Kuus on this one.

I am married to an awesome man. But he's not the Disney Prince "soul mate" only person in the world I could be happy with. If you go 'sew oats', it's not that you're torching and burning your ONLY chance at happiness.

But, realistically, I'd think if you were the type of person to do the math that way, you'd haev done it before 2.5 months pre-wedding.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

FTR, I don't regret having loved more than one person, and I do think I would have benefitted from having experienced more.

DG1 · May 2013

This thread reminds me of all the horrible, horrible sex I had as a single person. YMMV, of course, but don't think it's going to be like the movie sor anything.

Lyds85 · May 2013

Thank you for the responses. I definitely don't want to cheat or break up. I think I'm having cold feet. I definitely want to marry my FI but as our date gets closer I'm just getting really anxious and thinking about whether I really lived it up enough and sometimes missing my younger days. I guess everytime you make a big decision in life there might be a little doubt. I'm entering this world of marriage and soon will be trying to conceive a child and its a little scary sometimes. Anyone else get cold feet?

kerbohl · May 2013

Yep, but that's because I really loved being single. I'm going to disagree with Kuus here in that you have implied (and you might not have meant to, especially since this is a thread about sex) that life experiences equals having relationships. I had life experiences without the relationships, and I wouldn't have had it any other way. I put off having boyfriends so I could travel and enjoy growing as a person - I didn't have to have men around to let loose and enjoy life. So yeah, I'm marrying my first boyfriend and planning to only have sex with one guy my whole life, but I don't regret it because I've done some awesome things in my past. But everyone is different.

My cold feet comes from the fact that my FI is a stay-in-one-spot-your-whole-life kind of guy, and I recognize that I can't just tear up roots and go wherever I want willy-nilly anymore, so a part of me will miss that. OP, it sounds like your cold feet isn't from having doubts about your FI but just about being married in general. That's completely understandable.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

I think a lot of people regret not living it up more, myself included. I truly wouldn't recommend getting married after only having had one sexual partner and significant relationship, especially if your FI has had more. It'd be different if you'd been each other's first and only, but something this lopsided, I don't think you'll ever really stop regretting it.

TinaSweeney · May 2013

I sometimes feel this way too, as my FI is the only man I've ever been with. Whenever I have doubts I think about what we have and it all kind of goes away. If this is something that's REALLY bothering you, I'd talk to him about it. See if he has similar thoughts.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

Of course he doesn't have similar thoughts - he was 30 and experienced when they got together! He actually had the opportunity to grow up and experience things without her influence.

Dreamsofrain · May 2013

ReturnOfKuus said:
Of course he doesn't have similar thoughts - he was 30 and experienced when they got together! He actually had the opportunity to grow up and experience things without her influence.

That is a great point.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

Personally, my current FI and I love having sex together and I am completely happy with our sex lives... But, I did sleep with two other guys before him and he was with two girls before me. I thought about it once (when I was panicking as we were hitting our 1 year anniversary for dating) but then I realized that I loved sex with him more than any of the other guys because he loved me.

I guess, while sowing my "oats" was a fun experience. I would actually have given it all up to meet my FI even a few moments earlier cause he honestly does make me the happiest woman in the world. Sex is fun, but doing it with the man you love makes you forget all of those other experiences anyways.

[Deleted User] · May 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

ReturnOfKuus · May 2013

She seems to.

nycrose2013 · May 2013

I actually would never get married without feeling satisfied that I had enough prior partners to really know I had a pretty good sample of what else was out there. Sex is really important in relationships and as just an aspect of the human experience, and if you feel like you are missing out on something, that probably won't go away. In fact, you will probably only feel it more when you are locked in a a marriage with somebody forever.

I know I could never have married the first guy I was with, because I would always wonder. I also couldn't marry someone else I loved, who i was sexually incompatible with but didn't really know it at the time. I am so glad I dodged that bullet. Of course these are just the experiences and opinions of a really sex-positive, unashamed and curious person, and probably dont apply to everyone. I imagine someone with a different lifestyle or from a different area or different values would be horrified at my statements and be perfectly satisfied with their one partner and never think about it again.

Only you know which kind of person you are. I just know I always thought, would I regret doing this or not doing this when I am on my deathbed? And you know what, I don't regret any of my sexual experiences,even the bad ones. But I know for a fact I would regret not being adventurous in my youth before I married the love of my life. Think about it, no harm in delaying a wedding.

Oh, and also, it is really ignorant and disrepsectful to imply that anyone with more than one sex partner has STDs. While of course its possible, it does nothing to further the discourse and only sounds like someone with limited expereince is trying to make themselves feel superior.

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