Divorced couple invited - we've got a problem.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

rajahmd · May 2013

@Peledreamsofrain, I loved your post. Perfectly explained and worded.

daveANDkristen · May 2013

NYU, it sounds like you're under the impression that the woman is not aware of the RO. You're saying that she would be embarrassed to show up at the wedding and get removed. Wouldn't she be aware of the RO and therefore decline knowing that her ex will be there, or find out if he is attending before she RSVPs? Your argument as to why this is the B&G's problem to deal with is not adding up for me.

Jen4948 · May 2013

NYUgirl, that's what I've been saying, The couple don't have any control over that situation, so they may as well stay out of it. But for any guest to call the police just because they have a restraining order against another guest instead of leaving themselves would be rude. Because she was invited. He doesn't get to control that-he only gets to control what he does.

blueobsidian · May 2013

Jen4948 said:

NYUgirl, that's what I've been saying, The couple don't have any control over that situation, so they may as well stay out of it. But for any guest to call the police just because they have a restraining order against another guest instead of leaving themselves would be rude. Because she was invited. He doesn't get to control that-he only gets to control what he does.

So, if a woman took out a restraining order against an abusive ex and called the cops when he showed up somewhere where she was, would you call her rude? Because I would say that she was protecting herself and enforcing a legal order that was issued by the court.

But hey, this is a guy so OBVIOUSLY he doesn't have the same rights to protect himself.

lyndausvi · May 2013

Jen4948 said:

NYUgirl, that's what I've been saying, The couple don't have any control over that situation, so they may as well stay out of it. But for any guest to call the police just because they have a restraining order against another guest instead of leaving themselves would be rude. Because she was invited. He doesn't get to control that-he only gets to control what he does.

So the victim is the one who is rude not the abuser? The abuser is the one who gets to stay and the victim has to be the one who leaves? (not legally, I mean by the victim leaving the other gets to stay) Okay, got it.

We do not know the nature of the RO, until I knew the reason I'm going to err on the side that the one who had the RO taken out of them own's action is causing them not to be able to attend the event. It's very insensitive to say the victim is the one is unable to attend because of something someone else did to them.

That said, this guy is saying he will not attend if the OP prefer her to be there. A little passive-aggressive? Yes, but he isn't really trying to be an ass here. He is willing to removed himself from the situation if she is going to be there.

In addition to that he knows they are both invited, I think it's safe to say she knows he was invite. As the one who has the RO out on her, she should be asking if the ex was going to be there in order to comply with the RO.

As far as the OP - If she wants her there I would just say she plans on attending. Puts the ball back in his court, but from the message he will decline the invite.

AriellaBlue · May 2013

I don't think etiquette requires the B&G to do anything at all. However, I think kindness may require a bit more - and a lot of this depends on the circumstances.

If they think this is drama between two people equally to blame (or they don't care who's to blame), then the best case may well be to stay entirely hands off. It would still be a kindness to let the woman know what's going on if they think there's a chance she doesn't already.

If they believe the guy got the RO to be a jerk, and they are closer to woman, I don't think there's anything at all wrong with them telling him that the RO restrictions are his problem, and because of them he won't be able to attend.

If they believe the woman is at fault, and they are closer to the guy, I don't see anything wrong with the reverse either.

People like to resort to 'if their drama prevents them from acting like adults', but sometimes things aren't that simple. I know a couple who divorced recently - not everyone knows, but he became viciously abusive. She cannot be in the same space as him, or he will harass her. For people on the outer fringes who don't know, they may roll their eyes and think 'uh, whatever, if they can't act like adults that's THEIR problem!', but the reality for *that particular couple* is that inviting both of them and expecting them to 'work it out' meant that he would come and she would stay home to keep him from harassing her.

Now, it's not technically anyone else's problem. But it's not realistic to act like it's both of their faults in *that particular case*. Nor is it realistic to expect them to 'work it out' - he's abusive, that's not going to happen. For anyone that wanted to maintain a friendship with her, they had to invite her and not him.

I have no idea if that's what's happening here (either direction), but it's not always as simple as 'let them work it out, if they can't act like adults it's their own problem'. That doesn't necessarily make it a host's problem either, though, unless they *want* to make sure they protect their friendship with the disempowered party.

Obviously, sometimes it *is* just 'drama', too.

Jen4948 · May 2013

What I think is that it has to be worked out without involving the couple or their other guests. Regardless of why the restraining order was taken out and who it's against.

Peledreamsofrain · May 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

WalkersFurMama · May 2013

OP here. WOW. . . I did not expect this discussion to take off quite like it has.

First I want to clear up that at the time I posted this, neither party had returned their RSVP but both had received invitations.

Here's a little update:

FH and I decided that we were going to just let it be and ignore the message all together for a while. the ex-wife had RSVP'd yes to my shower and I had a very strong feeling all along that she was going to RSVP no to the wedding but wanted to tell me in person. I was right. She came a few minutes early and pulled me aside to explain. Now here's the kicker. . . he called her a few days after sending the e-mail and told her he sent it. She "made" him apologize to FH (which he did) and she apologized to me profusely. She never intended on coming to wedding, given that all of the people she would know there would be her ex-husband's friends. She didn't say anything about a RO, nor did I expect her to. If there is one, she is embarrassed; if there isn't one discussing it only feeds the drama that her ex had hoped to perpetuate.

I am not SUPER thrilled that he is the one coming to the wedding, but I'll put him at a table near the back of the room and hope that he can make it through an evening without making a scene. FH's BM is close with him so I'll probably make it his "job" to be sure he doesn't get out of line and to send him home if he does.

Divorced couple invited - we've got a problem.

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