Listing dress code on rsvp or reception card

stcr · May 2013

Does anyone any idea how to politely state that our wedding is semi-formal on the rsvp or reception card. I know it should be on the invitation but they're already printed so its too late for that. My wedding is at a baseball field but we would still like people to dress nicely rather than wearing jeans and jerseys. I'm hoping to come up with a cute phrase that gets the point across without being rude. Thanks.

krizzo17 · May 2013

Actually, it shouldn't be on the invitation. Other than black tie, you don't get to specify a dress code (there are no hard and fast rules for semi-formal). Your invitation and location should help guests figure out that this is a fancier affair, and if any of them are confused, they'll ask you for more information.

In my experience, the type of people who wear jeans and jerseys to weddings will do it no matter where you have it.

stcr · May 2013

I understand many people including myself think its a bit rude but my question wasn't whether I should or shouldn't list a dress code. My question was if anyone had any wording suggestions, I know I'm not the only person to consider putting a dress code in the invitation so there's got to be someone on these boards with some experience in this situation. Normally I would trust people to know how to dress for a wedding but I'm concerned that our venue might cause some confusion for a few guests. I think that listing some type of dress code will not only save me some frustration but will save guests from being embarrassed if they show up too casually dressed.

kaos16 · May 2013

I think this is an issue that comes with choosing a venue such as the one you have. The only thing that you can really do is let people know by word of mouth IF the ask what they should wear. Adults can dress themselves, and it is not your place to dictate what they wear. You will be so busy with your wedding day that you will likely hardly notice if someone is wearing something that you have deemed to be too casual for the event.

Are your invitations formal enough that they dictate more formal clothing?

southernredandwhite85 · May 2013

"I understand many people including myself think its a bit rude..."

If you are perfectly fine with your guests saying, "Wow, stcr is pretty rude for assuming we don't know how to dress for a wedding" and you feel as though you must tell your guests how to dress, I would indicate on a wedding website that the event is semi-formal.

southernbelle0915 · May 2013

I realize your question asks for wording suggestions, but this is the etiquette board, so people are just trying to help if you didn't realize it's against etiquette to do so. Obviously, I agree with PP that outright saying it (no matter how you word it) is faux pas.

That said, I think there are ways you can indicate it without "saying" it. Choose more formal invitations (heavy cardstock), choose a fancier font, choose extremely formal wording (...request the honour of your presence/...request the pleasure of your company), choose traditional addressing (Mr. and Mrs. John Smith), use an inner envelope, use formal wording on your RSVP cards, hire a calligrapher (if in the budget) to address your envelopes or use a printer to emboss the actual envelope - no address labels (that's what we did since a calligrapher was out of the question budget wise). The idea is to set the tone for a formal event without saying "dress up, you heathens!" I know you were looking for specific wording, but since it's against etiquette, I hope these other ideas are helpful!

ETA: whoops. didn't realize your invites were already printed. if people don't dress up, 1) they'll probably feel under-dressed - not your problem, and 2) oh well - don't let it impact your day. You're better off not risking the insult by and just going with the flow. How much does it REALLY matter to you?

zitiqueen · May 2013

stcr said:

I understand many people including myself think its a bit rude but my question wasn't whether I should or shouldn't list a dress code. My question was if anyone had any wording suggestions, I know I'm not the only person to consider putting a dress code in the invitation so there's got to be someone on these boards with some experience in this situation. Normally I would trust people to know how to dress for a wedding but I'm concerned that our venue might cause some confusion for a few guests. I think that listing some type of dress code will not only save me some frustration but will save guests from being embarrassed if they show up too casually dressed.

How about "We think you're too stupid to grasp the formal nature of our baseball field wedding, so keep your trashy jeans and jerseys at home. This is a classy black-tie affair, so please don't embarrass us by dressing inappropriately."

zitiqueen · May 2013

stcr said:

Does anyone any idea how to politely state that our wedding is semi-formal on the rsvp or reception card. I know it should be on the invitation but they're already printed so its too late for that. My wedding is at a baseball field but we would still like people to dress nicely rather than wearing jeans and jerseys. I'm hoping to come up with a cute phrase that gets the point across without being rude. Thanks.

Because.

SKPM · May 2013

Ditto PPs. The venue, time of day, and invitation design (font, phrasing, using white or cream stationery with black text) are the ways you indicate the formality of the event.

Is your wedding at a baseball game? Or in a banquet room at the ball park or something? If the latter, you could phrase the reception card to say "please join us for the reception in XYZ banquet hall following the ceremony" so guests know they won't be in the bleachers.

stcr · May 2013

@southernbelle0915 thank you for your suggestions, they were helpful and did make sure to use formal looking invitations in hope that guests would get an idea of the tone we wanted to set for the wedding. The topic of stating some type of dress guidelines came up between my fiancé and I so I thought I'd see what others had to say about it. As for some of the others I find it pretty sad that you are on the etiquette board attempting to "help" fellow brides yet you lacked any politeness what so ever in your responses. The fact that you didn't like my question is no excuse to post rude or sarcastic responses. Either state your opinion in a respectful way or don't comment at all. The purpose of these boards is for brides to be able to ask their questions and get constructive input not to be insulted or mocked.

aurianna · May 2013

Are there pictures of other weddings there in the past where the people dressed nicely? If so you can post the pictures on your wedding website in the venue section and it will subliminally give the guests ideas on how to dress. But you can not tell anyone directly how to dress.

But you did ask for a cute phrase/poem in your opening, so here's one you could try:

Take me out with the ball gowns
Take me out to the crowd
Buy us some presents or cashier checks
I don't care as long as I get cash back
For it's dress, dress, dress formally, please
If you wear jeans it's a shame.
For it's one, two, three strikes you're out
At my wedding day!

ETA:
And it's probably obvious, but this was a joke. I forgot my tongue in cheek disclaimer.

chaiteachick · May 2013

krizzo17 said:

Actually, it shouldn't be on the invitation. Other than black tie, you don't get to specify a dress code (there are no hard and fast rules for semi-formal). Your invitation and location should help guests figure out that this is a fancier affair, and if any of them are confused, they'll ask you for more information.
In my experience, the type of people who wear jeans and jerseys to weddings will do it no matter where you have it.

@krizzo17 How would you say such a thing for black tie? I wasn't aware that etiquette allows for such a thing, even with black tie, and, as I'm having a black tie wedding, I'd like this juicy info.

Thanks!

krizzo17 · May 2013

Ok, other than zitiqueen and aurianna (who posted after you made your accusation), please show us where we were rude, sarcastic, and disrespectful?

stcr · May 2013

[Deleted User] · May 2013

People who are concerned will ask. Most people will probably still show up in traditional wedding attire. Those who show up in jeans & jerseys because it's at a baseball field, well nothing you can do about it. It's a minor thing that won't ruin your wedding so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

stcr · May 2013

I was referring mainly to zitiqueen. I just figured that if I called her out directly it would just lead to more rude comments.

krizzo17 · May 2013

@Rachel-Elise, I honestly don't know, since I didn't have a black tie wedding, nor have I ever been to one. I would think including the words "black tie" under the rest of the information would suffice. However, girls here will point out that to truely justify calling out a black tie affair, you must pull out all the stops - open bar with top shelf liquor, multi-course plated meal, live band or orchestra (no dj), etc. You pretty much have to justify that all the men invited to your wedding are going to have to go out and rent a tux once you specify that.

lifesad4nce · May 2013

I think this, since you expressed that you were concerned about your guests being confused -- if they are confused they will ask:

Erikan73 said:

People who are concerned will ask. Most people will probably still show up in traditional wedding attire. Those who show up in jeans & jerseys because it's at a baseball field, well nothing you can do about it. It's a minor thing that won't ruin your wedding so I wouldn't worry about it too much.

aurianna · May 2013

Well it's never too late to make a website if you want one; I tend to check the knot or google for wedding websites even if there wasn't one mentioned. But not everyone wants one which is fine.

Honestly I think you'll probably be ok on the jeans front. If you know a lot of people who'd wear jeans to a wedding, PPs are correct that they might wear them no matter what (we had a few peeps that wore them despite how fancy the invites were and despite others in the family knowing that some guests were going to wear tuxes). That's just how it is. They're the ones that look silly, not you.

What time is your wedding? Honestly if I got an invite that wasn't overly formal to a baseball field wedding and it was in the early afternoon, I'd likely wear a sundress and strappy sandals (Though I'm thinking that's less formal than you're going for?). I'd probably put my husband in dress slacks and a collared button down shirt. Maybe a tie.

If it's in the evening... If the reception card had a traditional meal choice (beef, chicken, fish, etc), I'd be more likely to wear a little black dress thinking the dinner was more formal. I'd probably have a few pieces of jewelry in my purse and a change of shoes in my car that would either dress up or dress down what I was wearing.
If there was no meal choice I'd most likely google the venue. If I didn't see much I'd probably just straight up ask someone in the wedding party (or the bride if we're close) what she suggests wearing.

That's just my thought process when I try to dress for a wedding. I'm assuming several people go through the same.

I'd just tell the family blabbermouths some of the details about the wedding and things like, "Oh and did you hear cousin Sarah got the most gorgeous cocktail dress? I can't wait to see it on her!" and I really do think people will figure it out.

Good luck!

zitiqueen · May 2013

stcr said:

I was referring mainly to zitiqueen. I just figured that if I called her out directly it would just lead to more rude comments.

You didn't think that was a cute way to phrase telling people you think they're too stupid to properly dress themselves for a wedding?

Huh.

PrettyGirlLost · May 2013

Rachel-Elise said:

krizzo17 said:

Actually, it shouldn't be on the invitation. Other than black tie, you don't get to specify a dress code (there are no hard and fast rules for semi-formal). Your invitation and location should help guests figure out that this is a fancier affair, and if any of them are confused, they'll ask you for more information.
In my experience, the type of people who wear jeans and jerseys to weddings will do it no matter where you have it.

@krizzo17 How would you say such a thing for black tie? I wasn't aware that etiquette allows for such a thing, even with black tie, and, as I'm having a black tie wedding, I'd like this juicy info. Thanks!

@Rachel-Elise. . . are you really having a black-tie wedding? Only reason I ask is because many people don't realize that a black tie event has some very specific criteria, besides having the groom and groomsmen wearing tuxes ;-)

The criteria I have seen most commonly cited are- Event takes place after 6pm, upscale venue, valet parking service, butlered hors d'oeurves, top shelf open bar, plated multi- course meal (5+), and a multi-piece live band.

Weezy56 · May 2013

There is no polite way to do this. You are having trouble with the wording because it's rude. That is the answer to your question. I got married in a castle-like venue, way more formal than a baseball field, and a guest wore jeans and I didn't even notice until I looked at the pictures. And he didnt even look out of place. Let it go.

stcr · May 2013

The ceremony itself is on a MLB field the the reception is inside one of the restaurants within the facility. Sorry I didn't mention that earlier. Anyway thanks for the input I will share it with my fiancé and go from there.

jemmini6 · May 2013

stcr said:

The ceremony itself is on a MLB field the the reception is inside one of the restaurants within the facility. Sorry I didn't mention that earlier. Anyway thanks for the input I will share it with my fiancé and go from there.

My H's company holiday party is usually at a sports field, and they put "Formal Attire/No Jeans" on the invite every year, plus send out multiple emails reminding people that it's a formal event, and it never fails that there are still at least a dozen people that show up in jeans. So really, the people that will show up in jeans will do so no matter what your invite says, the only thing putting a dress code on your invite will do is offend the people who already know how to dress appropriately for a wedding.

TheBaysideBride · May 2013

If you have a wedding website, you could do the funny poem or just a fun line, like, "A wedding in a ballfield! what to expect: you CAN wear heels, and since no one is expected to throw out a first pitch, semi-formal attire is appreciated"

(with some thought you could do it funnier....)

tinambride · May 2013

I like BaysideBride's suggestion.

I've received an invite that mentioned attire. I didn't think twice about it. I doubt most of your guests will either. Most people I know aren't hung up on these details or overly sensitive to these things. I think it's a matter of knowing your audience.

brielleinlove · May 2013

TheBaysideBride said:

If you have a wedding website, you could do the funny poem or just a fun line, like, "A wedding in a ballfield! what to expect: you CAN wear heels, and since no one is expected to throw out a first pitch, semi-formal attire is appreciated"
(with some thought you could do it funnier....)

Still rude. I'd find this very offputting as a guest. No matter how "funny" or "cute" the phrasing is, telling guests how to dress, where to stay, what to bring as a gift, or anything along those lines is not okay.

Maggie0829 · May 2013

@stcr - I had my wedding at an NFL stadium. The ceremony was not directly on the field but rather inside. When people asked about my wedding and venue I told them about the location but I never once mentioned attire. They all figured it out and not one of them came in shorts and a Ravens jersey, but rather cocktail attire.

People are not dumb and if you do have some guests who would be fine with wearing shorts and a jersey to a wedding nothing you write on the RSVP card or on your website will make a difference. They are who they are and they will wear what they want. Would you rather them there in casual attire or not at all?

Anastasia517 · May 2013

tinambride said:

I like BaysideBride's suggestion.

I've received an invite that mentioned attire. I didn't think twice about it. I doubt most of your guests will either. Most people I know aren't hung up on these details or overly sensitive to these things. I think it's a matter of knowing your audience.

Or maybe people who know better are just polite enough not to talk about it. I do judge people I know for breaking etiquette rules (ex. not inviting SOs, having stag & does) but I never would say it to them and certainly wouldn't bring it up to mutual friends.

No matter how "cute" or "funny" you think your statement is, it will rub people the wrong way. Nobody likes being talked down to as if they are a child who isn't smart enough to figure out what to wear for themselves. The people who you are worried about probably wouldn't listen even if you did tell them what to wear.

Hopefully you have formal invitations.

s-aries8990 · May 2013

@stcr There isn't a polite way to word it, and until your retort, no one was rude or harsh. If you say "What's the best way to hide poison in my dad's coffee" We wouldn't say "in the sugar," we'd say "Umm, you don't!".

The only time you can mention dress code are:
1) "Black Tie" for a truly black tie affair (see PP's posts for criteria)
2) If the venue/facility requires certain dress code (a jacket required for men, no bare shoulders in church, etc.)

Any other time, it's just how you want people to look, which is kinda rude.

Keep your formal invite. Do you have a wedding website? On one of your inserts, link to the website and post pictures of the facility during a similar function and link directly to the venue's website. It should get the point across.

TheBaysideBride · May 2013

Guys I don't think it's rude to give guests info on your website. My wedding is at the beach and a LOT of women are wondering about heels vs. flats. It's not rude to be helpful. If she isn't dictating it, but offering a suggestion, no one will be offended. Frankly, I've never been to a wedding in a stadium, I would be really curious. There are your family and closest friends. You don't have to be uber formal with them, especially if you are cool enough to have a reception at a ball field. Just done put it on the invite!

Listing dress code on rsvp or reception card

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