Help! Maid of Honor issues!

MissKrisFaye · February 2010

Just a bit of background first...
My fiance and I are going to get married in Hawaii this October.
And not too long after we got engaged, i decided to have my cousent as my maid of honor because we've always got along, and she was always there for me... that is until now.

Last Novemeber I tool all of my brides maids 3 weeks in advance that i would like them all to join me to go wedding dress shopping. My maid of honor called me the night before we were to go shopping and said that she got an opertunity to go to a college football game with great seats, and couldn't make it to help me pick out my dress. I was crushed!

This past weekend is the first time since the insedent that i called her up to do something and to go over wedding plains. She is really excited about Hawaii, to the point where she asked me what time the wedding would start so she and her sister (who is also in the wedding) could do an excursion before, and looked ticked off when i told her i would like to do something with all the girls the day before the wedding. Not only that, she almost through a fit when i said i was going to get everyone together to help me put toghether invites.

I'm at a loss on what to do. I really want to say "Sorry, i want you in the wedding but not as my maid of honor" but my mom is telling me not to because feeling will be hurt.

Suggestions?

SarahPLiz · February 2010

http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_psa-firing-bridesmaid

Please read this thread. It may answer some of your concerns. Always keep in mind that no one will be as excited about your wedding as you are.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Your mom is absolutely right. I think your expectations of what your wedding means to other people aren't realistic and you need to tone them down.

You don't need an entourage when you go wedding dress shopping. MOH isn't required to go. And if it "crushed" you then you need to get over yourself. Your wedding isn't her wedding, and it's not fun to watch someone else try on dresses and agonize over necklines, hem lengths, and shades of white. My mom is the only person who came with me.

It's not her job to help you with invites or any other wedding planning chores. You're free to ask but she's equally free to say no.

She is only obligated to come to the wedding itself. Yes, it would be nice if she was coming the day before. But you don't own her entire time out there.

You have to look at the whole situation: She's avoiding all the wedding planning chores and, by extension, you. It sounds like everything you ask her to do is wedding related, based on the post. Have you ever just gone to dinner lately or a movie or done something fun not wedding-related? You have other things going on in your life, talk about those. When's the last time you asked her about her life? It sounds like she's avoiding you. You may wonder what's happened to your friend, but she's probably wondering where her friend went too.

Talk to her and see what's up. Leave the wedding out of it. In fact I'd leave the wedding out of a lot of things for awhile. Nobody likes a one-issue friend, and it sounds like you might be focusing a little too much on the wedding. Try consciously avoiding talking about it for awhile. You might be bringing it up more than you realize.

ecsmiles · February 2010

Well for starters, you shouldn't expect that everyone will get together to help put together invitations. If they volunteer then awesome, if not then you need to take care of this yourself. Its nobody else's responsibility.

As far as wedding gown shopping, I don't blame her. Not everyone enjoys going to help pick out a dress, and if she had an opportunity for tickets (which sounds like it doesn't come along often) or to sit in a bridal salon all day - you shouldn't be upset that she wanted to do that. You should give people the option of being involved without being upset if they choose not to be. Its not for everyone.

Additionally, if you're having a destination wedding you need to assume that people will want to see Hawaii. Most people never get to go, so it could be the only time she's ever there. If its an evening wedding, I don't see the harm in doing something fun in the morning. But that just depends on your schedule.

I would try not to stress out about it too much. Just because some people don't act as excited about your wedding as you do, doesn't mean that they don't care and aren't honored to be a part of it.

saisongbird · February 2010

Two things:

1) The knot has a spell-check feature. Please use it.

2) Your BMs and MOH are not your slaves. They are your friends. They do not have to help you pick our your dress or help your assemble your invites. Your fiance should be helping put together the invites. Your mom can help if SHE offers. Your wedding is for YOU and your FI to plan, not anyone else's. I invited my MOH to ONE day of dress shopping, and she came, but I didn't require her to.

All your MOH technically has to do is buy her dress, show up clean and sober, hold your flowers and your FI's ring, and sign the license. The less you require of her, the happier she'll be and the more she'll probably do. In this case, less is definitely more. Lower your expectations and don't kick her out - you will be labeled a bridezilla for life.

mbcdefg · February 2010

You're being extremely unreasonable. The point of a MOH is that she's your dearest friend, not that she's someone who is available at your beck and call.

She is not required to come wedding dress shopping with you, and she's not a bad bridesmaid if she'd rather go to a football game. Having good seats to a game is MUCH more entertaining than watching someone try on clothes.

Her only "obligation" to you is the wedding day. It's selfish to ask that she go to Hawaii (especially considering that that's probably an assload of money and vacation time on her part) and spend all of her time there doing what YOU want to do. As long as she shows up for the ceremony, she's done her job and fulfulled her obligation to you. You cannot demand that she skip an excursion to spend MORE time with you.

You also cannot demand that they help you put together invites. If she wants to help, great. If not, oh well. It's your wedding, YOU plan it. Your invites should not be so ridiculously complicated that it requires a team of people to assemble them. My FI and I addressed, stuffed, stamped and sealed all of our invitations within one afternoon, just the two of us. If you are demanding help from anyone, it ought to be HIM.

Check your attitude and expectations, pronto, before you lose the rest of your friends.

gottahavashorti · February 2010

[QUOTE]Just a bit of background first... My fiance and I are going to get married in Hawaii this October. And not too long after we got engaged, i decided to have my cousent as my maid of honor because we've always got along, and she was always there for me... that is until now.[/QUOTE]
Keep in mind that <em>this </em>is why you asked her to be your MOH. Not because she'd do stuff for you.
[QUOTE]Last Novemeber I tool all of my brides maids 3 weeks in advance that i would like them all to join me to go wedding dress shopping. My maid of honor called me the night before we were to go shopping and said that she got an opertunity to go to a college football game with great seats, and couldn't make it to help me pick out my dress. I was crushed![/QUOTE]
She's not obligated to go dress shopping with you, and many people prefer to go dress shopping alone or with 1-2 people. And not everyone is into watching other people try on dresses. I mean, it sucks that she flaked, but if I'd gotten great tickets to a basketball game for my college, I'd do that over dress shopping too because it's hard to get tickets.
[QUOTE]This past weekend is the first time since the insedent that i called her up to do something and to go over wedding plains. She is really excited about Hawaii, to the point where she asked me what time the wedding would start so she and her sister (who is also in the wedding) could do an excursion before, and looked ticked off when i told her i would like to do something with all the girls the day before the wedding.[/QUOTE]
You're having a wedding in an amazing place. Of course she wants to do everything she can while she's there! You can arrange for a girls' day, but they need to be able to decline. You can't require that they come to anything but the wedding and she is making sure that she'll be there.
[QUOTE]Not only that, she almost through a fit when i said i was going to get everyone together to help me put toghether invites.[/QUOTE]
Again, she doesn't need to do this. If they want to help, fine. If they don't, that's fine too. While BMs often want to help, it's not required. Your FI can help you - it's his wedding, not your MOH's.
[QUOTE]I'm at a loss on what to do. I really want to say "Sorry, i want you in the wedding but not as my maid of honor" but my mom is telling me not to because feeling will be hurt. Suggestions?
Posted by MissKrisFaye[/QUOTE]
No. That's asking for family problems for years to come over petty grievances. If she hasn't done something to end the friendship (trying to break up you and FI, insulting you or FI, etc) then it's not okay to remove her from the wedding. And even in that case, the friendship should be ended and it shoudln't be treated as a wedding problem.

CTGirl30 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce01d31a-2324-4b3f-ad4a-0abf530f62e0Post:f2de3d70-03b7-4555-860e-05cfe93a2fa1">Help! Maid of Honor issues!</a>:
[QUOTE]Just a bit of background first... My fiance and I are going to get married in Hawaii this October. And not too long after we got engaged, i decided to have my cousent as my maid of honor because we've always got along, and she was always there for me... that is until now. Last Novemeber I tool all of my brides maids 3 weeks in advance that i would like them all to join me to go wedding dress shopping. My maid of honor called me the night before we were to go shopping and said that she got an opertunity to go to a college football game with great seats, and couldn't make it to help me pick out my dress. I was crushed! This past weekend is the first time since the insedent that i called her up to do something and to go over wedding plains. She is really excited about Hawaii, to the point where she asked me what time the wedding would start so she and her sister (who is also in the wedding) could do an excursion before, and looked ticked off when i told her i would like to do something with all the girls the day before the wedding. Not only that, she almost through a fit when i said i was going to get everyone together to help me put toghether invites. I'm at a loss on what to do. I really want to say "Sorry, i want you in the wedding but not as my maid of honor" but my mom is telling me not to because feeling will be hurt. Suggestions?
Posted by MissKrisFaye[/QUOTE]

First, let me just say that spell check is your friend. :-)

Where to begin...
A. Bridesmaids do not HAVE to go dress shopping with you. Some went with you, one didn't. So what? Sitting around watching someone else try on wedding dresses is fun for some girls and not for others. Kind of a bummer that the night before she let you know she wouldn't be coming, but that's not really anything to be "crushed" over. Honestly, I'd rather attend a game with great seats than sit in a bridal shop for hours.

B. What you are referring to as "The Incident" took place in November. It is now February. Are you seriously telling us that you haven't spoken to your cousin since Nov over the fact that she didn't make it to your wedding dress shopping excursion?

C. Your friends are shelling out the expense to travel to Hawaii for a destination wedding and you're going to get angry that she'd like to make the most of her trip and do an excursion with her sister (another BM) in lieu of spending the day before doing wedding stuff? I don't blame her on this, either. How many opportunities does one have to go to Hawaii? She's asking you when the wedding begins so she is making a conscientious effort to be there when it counts most - the actual wedding day. I think you need to have some flexibility in this case. Maybe all of you can do an excursion together? Or, if you don't want to - the MOH and her sister can do it and you can get together with the other girls the day before. You're coming accross as very demanding otherwise.

D. It is not a requirement that anyone help you put together your invites. I managed to address and assemble all 65 of my invitations without anyone's help.

E. The things you are complaining about are in no way, shape, or form reasons to demote someone in your bridal party. Your post is coming accross as pretty demanding...You say you are at a loss of what to do - this is my advice to you. Relax your expectations and demands on these girls - they are your family and friends. People are more apt to want to help you with things when you don't demand it from them. There are alot of bridal websites (including TK) and books that lead brides to believe their WP must show up ready to perform "duties" and fulfill their "roles."

Really, as long as they are supportive of your marriage and arrive on time on your wedding day in the determined attire, stand by you during the ceremony and photos...they have done what is required. Anything above and beyond (including shower / bach party) is an extra and a little appreciation / graciousness will go a long way when someone does something nice for you.

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

YOu are being unreasonable here. You need to get your expectations in check. If your BMs or MOH wanted to go dress shopping with you, that's cool. But it isn't a requirement, and frankly, it's kind of stupid to take that many people. If you already had all those other girls going, it's perfectly reasonable for her to take a better offer and do something fun with her day off.

For the invitations, you screwed that up. It's ok to mention that you will be doing it and ask for help, but telling people that it is their responsibility to do things for your wedding is just wrong. YOu need to apologize to everyone for that one.

On the trip, you are expecting her to take her vacation time and money and put it toward going to Hawaii for your wedding. Do you really expect her to not take advantage of the trip to spend time in Hawaii? That's just ridiculous. Hawaii is expensive, and the sort of trip that most people will get to take once in a lifetime. As long as she'll be there for the rehearsal and the wedding, you have no claims on her time. Allow her to enjoy the trip!

Your mom is right. If you try to "demote" her, you are going to ruin your relationship with her. She's done nothing wrong, and that would be an incredibly nasty thing to do.

emilyinchile · February 2010

PPs are right, and you are in the wrong. Your cousin isn't bed a bad friend, cousin or MOH - she's simply living her life and not making that life revolve completely around your wedding. Get your expectations in line before you find yourself having drama with even more people who don't think it sounds like fun to put together someone else's invites. Your FI can help you with that.

MissKrisFaye · February 2010

Okay, I feel like i have to set some things strait.

I'm not a mean person, and all i want is for my maid of honor to help me out. Am i wrong, isn't that what they're suppose to do, help the bride so she doesn't stress out so much? I never asked her to do anything that was out of the ordinary. I was crushed about the football game because she knew a head of time, and she goes to quite a few. So to me, that seems rude.

As for Hawaii, no one has to go to Hawaii (1/2 of my maids aren't going and that's fine). I've even told everyone, this is THEIR vacation too, I just want one day of their time. I thought it would be fun to get everyone together the day before to hang out since we're all there. I just feel like i'm pulling teeth to get some help (after all i'm going to need it when we get there... getting the flowers and such, we're not havin a wedding planner physcially there).

I'm not tryting to make someone "My slave". I haven't asked her to help yet, what i actually said to her was, "i'm was thinking about putting a party together to help do invites were we can watch movies while were doing so." Maybe i should have been more clear?

And when we went to lunch, and to a movie as well and talked about things other than the wedding.

I'm very stressed out and frankly, a lot of you who are commenting aren't being very nice and constructive. If you're not trying to help, don't comment. Please.

banana468 · February 2010

MissKris,

I think you're missing a big thing here.

You're not getting married until OCTOBER. That's many months away. Beyond that, your MOH is supposed to be there for you on the big day in the dress - the rest is up to HER. There are traditional things that the WP may do but they're not required.

That she called and said that she had football tickets so she wouldn't be shopping for YOUR dress wasn't an incident. It's a little tacky to cancel on plans with friends, but if I had an opportunity to attend a Yankee game instead of shopping for my friend's wedding gown, I'd seriously consider it - particularly if the seats were great.

That she wants to do something before the wedding isn't so great. I'd see what I could do to talk her into a 'day of' thing and maybe doing an excursion the day before.

However putting together invitations is YOUR responsibility with your FI. That's not for the WP to do. They may sometimes help, but that's not something they have to do and if she's saying she doesn't want to, you need to respect that.

I think you need to start figuring out how to plan this with your FI. The only things that she should "have" to do are look for HER BM dress. So instead, talk to her about a dress budget and shopping for that. If she offers to do other stuff that's great but it's not required.

When it comes to

emilyinchile · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce01d31a-2324-4b3f-ad4a-0abf530f62e0Post:58fc8837-5ec5-4644-ab86-d588cbb5f3ef">Re: Help! Maid of Honor issues!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I feel like i have to set some things strait. I'm not a mean person, and all i want is for my maid of honor to help me out. Am i wrong, isn't that what they're suppose to do, help the bride so she doesn't stress out so much? [/QUOTE]
Yes, you are wrong. Your MOH is supposed to be your best friend, and like the other BMs she's supposed to get a dress and show up. Many (even most) MOHs will do more precisely because most people do more than the minimum for their best friends, but it's not an obligation.

[QUOTE]I was crushed about the football game because she knew a head of time, and she goes to quite a few. So to me, that seems rude. [/QUOTE]
"Friend, do you want to go shopping with me in 3 weeks?" "Yes" [A couple weeks pass] "Hey, you know how much I love football, which is why I go to so many games, and I have the opportunity to get some great seats, so I'm going to have to change our shopping plans."
That to me isn't rude. She didn't stand you up, she changed plans because she got the chance to do something she really enjoys. For you it was a special shopping trip, but it's still just a shopping trip.

[QUOTE]As for Hawaii, no one has to go to Hawaii (1/2 of my maids aren't going and that's fine). I've even told everyone, this is THEIR vacation too, I just want one day of their time. I thought it would be fun to get everyone together the day before to hang out since we're all there. I just feel like i'm pulling teeth to get some help (after all i'm going to need it when we get there... getting the flowers and such, we're not havin a wedding planner physcially there).[/QUOTE]
So are the BMs who can't make the wedding itself just going to be listed in the program as BMs? That's totally fine, I'm just wondering. And you're right, you get one day of their time - your wedding day. Not the day before if they'd rather do something else on their vacation. And while it's fine to ask friends to help, if they don't want to, they don't have to say yes. If you and your FI cannot handle it alone, and other people don't want to help as a favor, you need to find room in the budget to pay for help, not force your friends to do it.

[QUOTE]I haven't asked her to help yet, what i actually said to her was, "i'm was thinking about putting a party together to help do invites were we can watch movies while were doing so." Maybe i should have been more clear?[/QUOTE]
You asked. She said no. I don't see what's unclear.

[QUOTE]I'm very stressed out and frankly, a lot of you who are commenting aren't being very nice and constructive. If you're not trying to help, don't comment. [/QUOTE]
Nice is not a requirement. People here tend to be honest and objective - which is constructive, even if you don't like it. I think you're in the wrong, as do a lot of people, and it's better that you hear it from strangers who don't care if you insult them than annoy your friends into resenting your bridezilla ways.

ETA: In the OP, you said you wanted to do something with her "the day before the wedding." If you mean the prior day, then my opinion above stands. If you mean during the day of the wedding before the ceremony, I would ask her not to book any excursion until you have a chance to get your day-of timeline together closer to the date. Once you have that, she'll be able to see for herself that it's not realistic for her to make other plans that day.

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

We are trying to help. We are trying to make you realize that yes, you are wrong. No one has been mean or nasty to you. I know it can come as a shock when you realize you're wrong, but you need to deal with it if you want to fix this problem.

Her jobs as MOH are to get the dress and come to the wedding. EVERYTHING else is optional. If she doesn't want to go dress shopping with you, that doesn't make her a bad MOH. If she doesn't want to make invitations, that doesn't make her a bad MOH. If she wants to spend the day before the wedding doing fun stuff in Hawaii, she's not a bad MOH. Her jobs are to get a dress and show up. As long as she's doing those things, she's fulfilling her obligation.

I understand that you are stressed trying to plan without a planner from a distance, but that is not your MOH's problem. This is YOUR wedding. It is up to YOU to plan it. No one else. So yes, you are wrong for expecting her to help you. Get it?

CTGirl30 · February 2010

OP, If 15 people are basically telling you the same thing...I'd think that might be something to consider.

mbcdefg · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce01d31a-2324-4b3f-ad4a-0abf530f62e0Post:58fc8837-5ec5-4644-ab86-d588cbb5f3ef">Re: Help! Maid of Honor issues!</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I feel like i have to set some things strait. I'm not a mean person, and all i want is for my maid of honor to help me out. Am i wrong, isn't that what they're suppose to do, help the bride so she doesn't stress out so much? I never asked her to do anything that was out of the ordinary.
Posted by MissKrisFaye[/QUOTE]

The point of BMs is to be your friends. Not to help you plan your wedding. your wedding shouldn't be such a stressful time that you continuously need other people's help and support. If it is, you've taken on entirely too much.

You can absolutely request help if you would like it. But remember that it's a REQUEST. People are allowed to turn down requests.

[QUOTE]I was crushed about the football game because she knew a head of time, and she goes to quite a few. So to me, that seems rude.
Posted by MissKrisFaye[/QUOTE]

I'll agree with you, it's rude for her to let you know the day before that she's bailing out. But it's not the end of the world. ANd for you to hold onto that frustration for this long is ridiculous. Let it go!

[QUOTE]As for Hawaii, no one has to go to Hawaii (1/2 of my maids aren't going and that's fine). I've even told everyone, this is THEIR vacation too, I just want one day of their time. I thought it would be fun to get everyone together the day before to hang out since we're all there.
Posted by MissKrisFaye[/QUOTE]

You ARE getting one day of their time. That's the wedding day. That is what you ask them to be bridesmaids for. It's nice if you want a fun pre-wedding day with them, but an invitation to hang out is not a subpoena. And is she really going to be spending the ENTIRE day with her sister, or are you planning to spend the ENTIRE day with your BMs? You can't schedule this outing early and then she can spend the afternoon/evening with her sister, and vice versa?

[QUOTE]I just feel like i'm pulling teeth to get some help (after all i'm going to need it when we get there... getting the flowers and such, we're not havin a wedding planner physcially there). I'm not tryting to make someone "My slave". I haven't asked her to help yet, what i actually said to her was, "i'm was thinking about putting a party together to help do invites were we can watch movies while were doing so." Maybe i should have been more clear? And when we went to lunch, and to a movie as well and talked about things other than the wedding.
Posted by MissKrisFaye[/QUOTE]

I don't understand why you seem to need so much help. Wedding planning really isn't that hard. You make phone calls, send e-mails, make some decisions and put things together. if it IS getting too hard for you, then that's probably a sign that you need to scale back. Or get your FI more involved. He is the only person other than yourself who "needs" to help out.

It's fine to ask for help. It's a bummer when people say they'll help and then bail out. But the point here is that while you CAN ask for help, you also can't get this angry if they say no. Again, a request or an invitation is not a subpoena. Once you think that people HAVE to accept your requests or invitations, that's when it turns from a request into a demand.

People ARE allowed to turn you down. It's fine to be bummed if they cannot help you, but you need to shake it off and move on. To hold onto this frustration and anger for THIS LONG is not healthy for you, and it's going to alienate this girl even further from you.

[QUOTE]I'm very stressed out and frankly, a lot of you who are commenting aren't being very nice and constructive. If you're not trying to help, don't comment. Please.
Posted by MissKrisFaye[/QUOTE]

I don't think you understand what "constructive" means, and I also think you're confusing being mean with being blunt. Not a soul here has been unkind to you. Just because people are not rallying around you, telling you you're right and she's wrong, or suggesting that you need to change your ways, doesn't mean that they're being mean to you. People on this board give honest opinions, without trying to sugarcoat things in the name of sparing your feelings ... if they think you are the one to blame, they'll tell you. If they think the BM is to blame, they'll tell you. If they think you're equally to blame, they'll tell you. They don't gang up on people here just to make them feel bad. Who the heck has that kind of time or sick mindset? None of the regulars here, I'll tell you that.

By definition, "constructive criticism" is usually something that you DON'T want to hear, but might NEED to hear.

gottahavashorti · February 2010

[QUOTE]Okay, I feel like i have to set some things strait. I'm not a mean person, and all i want is for my maid of honor to help me out. Am i wrong, isn't that what they're suppose to do, help the bride so she doesn't stress out so much? I never asked her to do anything that was out of the ordinary.[/QUOTE]
This all doesn't mean that you're a mean person. It means that your expectations are wrong. Your BM's duties are to show up to the wedding clean and sober in the requested dress, stand quietly through the ceremony and smile for pictures. Your MOH should be your closest friend and may have the additional duties of holding your bouquet, signing the marriage license and straightening your train. Anything else is a bonus and should be considered 100% optional.
[QUOTE]I was crushed about the football game because she knew a head of time, and she goes to quite a few. So to me, that seems rude.[/QUOTE]
Again, it sucks that she cancelled so late, but she didn't stand you up either. My freshman year of college, I went to every basketball game possible. Class took priority, but dress shopping would not have. If she wants to go to every home and away game, that's her right.
[QUOTE]As for Hawaii, no one has to go to Hawaii (1/2 of my maids aren't going and that's fine). I've even told everyone, this is THEIR vacation too, I just want one day of their time. I thought it would be fun to get everyone together the day before to hang out since we're all there.[/QUOTE]
You told them you wanted one day, so please don't make the second day a requirement. If they want to do something the day before, let them do something the day before. You could always go with them on their excursion if you have time. If they wanted to do something 3 hours before the wedding, that would be an issue.
[QUOTE]I just feel like i'm pulling teeth to get some help (after all i'm going to need it when we get there... getting the flowers and such, we're not havin a wedding planner physcially there). I'm not tryting to make someone "My slave".[/QUOTE]
Again, your FI can help you with these things. If you need to pull teeth to get help because you <em>need </em>help, it means you're taking on too much. You need to simplify things a bit or hire a wedding planner/day of coordinator. If you need to pull teeth because you <em>want </em>help, it means your expectations are too high and your BMs are just not that into it.
[QUOTE]I haven't asked her to help yet, what i actually said to her was, "i'm was thinking about putting a party together to help do invites were we can watch movies while were doing so." Maybe i should have been more clear? And when we went to lunch, and to a movie as well and talked about things other than the wedding.[/QUOTE]
She's made it very clear that she is not interested in stuffing invites. Don't push it. If your other BMs are interested in helping, that's fine. If they're not, don't push it.
[QUOTE]I'm very stressed out and frankly, a lot of you who are commenting aren't being very nice and constructive. If you're not trying to help, don't comment. Please.
Posted by MissKrisFaye[/QUOTE]
All of the answers have been constructive and helpful. They're also straightforward and honest, but that doesn't translate to mean or unhelpful. If you're interpreting them as such, you might need to take a step back, calm down, then come back to the post with an open mind in a day or two.

trix1223 · February 2010

Put down the bridal magazines. Log off of the wedding websites. Turn off the wedding TV shows. Because those give people the WRONG, wrong, wrong, impression about weddings and WPs.

Your WPs do NOT have to help you plan and execute your wedding. That the job of you and your FI, regardless of what the wedding industry tries to sell you.

The other ladies have given you good advice. Listen to them. Follow their advice. You'll be happier. So will your cousin and the rest of the WP.

And if you need help doing something-get your FI to help. It's his wedding, too.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

No one says you're mean or a bad person. I do, however, think your expectations are really unrealistic. I think you've been warped into thinking that your MOH HAS to do these things. You were asking of her more than I asked any of my BMs and more than I have ever been asked as a BM. So no, this isn't "traditional" or "normal." It's what you've been led to believe by the knot and the rest of the wedding industrial complex.

This is something I posted on another board that I think would be helpful here: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_moms-maids_psa-just-because-knot-magazine-says-not-true

aerinpegadrak · February 2010

I'm planning a destination wedding in Vegas. It's more difficult than a local wedding, yes, but not impossible. It's only insanely difficult if you're trying to micromanage every nano-detail, because you simply can't do that from a distance. You have to learn to let some things go and place your trust in the people you've hired on location to help.

We're kind of making a weekend out of it, with dinner planned the night before and something tentatively set for the next day (brunch, bowling, hanging by the pool, haven't decided). However, I completely understand that our guests, who are all either immediate family, WP, or both, may have a different idea of what they want to do in Vegas, so if they want to see different things while they're there, I won't begrudge them that. As long as they're at the ceremony and reception, that's all that really matters.

She's not the one creating problems here, you are. You need to take a deep breath and realize that absolutely nothing she's done is all that bad.

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce01d31a-2324-4b3f-ad4a-0abf530f62e0Post:3619af95-f568-4973-b338-8da13910532f">Re: Help! Maid of Honor issues!</a>:
[QUOTE]If they think you are the one to blame, they'll tell you. If they think the BM is to blame, they'll tell you. If they think you're equally to blame, they'll tell you. They don't gang up on people here just to make them feel bad. Who the heck has that kind of time or sick mindset? None of the regulars here, I'll tell you that.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

<div>I would try the regs over on E. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" /></div>

emilykathleen511 · February 2010

By the way OP, if that is your first and last name in your screen name, you should really delete this account and make a new one that doesn't have your first and last name in it.

mbcdefg · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce01d31a-2324-4b3f-ad4a-0abf530f62e0Post:e9b64196-f95b-4c5f-a2de-ad7ebf182e30">Re: Help! Maid of Honor issues!</a>:
[QUOTE]Put down the bridal magazines. Log off of the wedding websites. Turn off the wedding TV shows. Because those give people the WRONG, wrong, wrong, impression about weddings and WPs.
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

In addition to telling brides that their BMs should be at their beck and call, I also think that magazines/TV shows/movies/websites about weddings also make brides think that the engagement <u>HAS TO BE</u> a stressful, insane process.

I can understand that planning a wedding from a different location is tough. Heck, my wedding is close by and I've had stressful moments - arguing with family over the guest list, printer malfunctions, the sinking feeling of writing all those payment checks and shrinking our savings account.

However, wedding planning doesn't HAVE to be stressful. It's normal to get stressed over things once in a while, but your post is giving me the impression that you are stressed a majority of the time. And it really, REALLY doesn't have to be that way. For the most part, aside from little snafus or family/friends bugging you, wedding planning is only as stressful as <strong>you</strong> make it.

And an additional downside to taking on too much and stressing yourself out is that you alienate your loved ones. People don't want to be around someone who is constantly saying, "OMG I'm SOOOOO stressed!" Especially when she's sometimes the only one responsible for that stress. So if this friend was normally very helpful and suddenly is not, I'd take a look in the mirror and ask yuorself if it's possible that your stressed-out attitude is what's keeping her away.

And if she was NEVER the type to offer a helping hand ... well, she ain't gonna change now. Weddings aren't such special, magical events that make everyone involved in them suddenly turn a new leaf. It's a super-important day to YOU, and while I'm sure everyone else is happy for you, please realize that the wedding (and especially the planning process, because that part is NOT the wedding, the wedding is the actual important part) will never be as important and interesting to them as it is to you.

That's why you seem to think that her skipping a dress shopping trip or an invitation stuffing party is a gigantic deal, whereas everyone else is trying to tell you that, no, it's not. Because it's important to YOU, not everyone else.

bablingbrooke · February 2010

Ditto malphabet 100%. Wedding planning does NOT need to be stressful. DH and I hardly stressed out once and had a perfect wedding. We followed the advice on her and don't regret it for a second. If you're stressing out, either hire a planner or scale back to what you and your FI can accomplish.

duckie1905 · February 2010

You are wrong and are being unreasonable. This doesn't make you a mean person or a nasty person, just a misinformed person.

Adjust your expectations to meet up more closely with reality and everything will be peachy keen jelly bean.

And for the record, if I were traveling for a DW and the bride asked me to give up a day of my vacation or a great excursion to do whatever the bride wants, I'd say no too. She has to be at your wedding, nothing else.

allisong23 · February 2010

Your spelling makes my eyes hurt.

momo72010 · February 2010

I am a bride myself and this is how i see it, my fiance sees it and my mother sees it, i have a brides maid whom is acting stuck up as well. We all agree that if this lady cant be a great bridesmaid or maid of honor then maybe you need to remind her this is YOUR WEDDING and if she isnt going to be supportive then maybe you need to not allower her to be in ur birdal party.

MyNameIsNot · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce01d31a-2324-4b3f-ad4a-0abf530f62e0Post:fb5752a8-733a-4980-b315-618ce77d4185">Re: Help! Maid of Honor issues!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a bride myself and this is how i see it, my fiance sees it and my mother sees it, i have a brides maid whom is acting stuck up as well. We all agree that if this lady cant be a great bridesmaid or maid of honor then maybe you need to remind her this is YOUR WEDDING and if she isnt going to be supportive then maybe you need to not allower her to be in ur birdal party.
Posted by momo72010[/QUOTE]

Aren't you a peach.

banana468 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce01d31a-2324-4b3f-ad4a-0abf530f62e0Post:fb5752a8-733a-4980-b315-618ce77d4185">Re: Help! Maid of Honor issues!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a bride myself and this is how i see it, my fiance sees it and my mother sees it, i have a brides maid whom is acting stuck up as well. We all agree that if this lady cant be a great bridesmaid or maid of honor then maybe you need to remind her this is YOUR WEDDING and if she isnt going to be supportive then maybe you need to not allower her to be in ur birdal party.
Posted by momo72010[/QUOTE]

Momo72010, please read my "New Here? Read This" post at the top of the board.

OP, I beg you to disregard this advice. It's just not good.

trix1223 · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce01d31a-2324-4b3f-ad4a-0abf530f62e0Post:fb5752a8-733a-4980-b315-618ce77d4185">Re: Help! Maid of Honor issues!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a bride myself and this is how i see it, my fiance sees it and my mother sees it, i have a brides maid whom is acting stuck up as well. We all agree that if this lady cant be a great bridesmaid or maid of honor then maybe you need to remind her this is YOUR WEDDING and if she isnt going to be supportive then maybe you need to not allower her to be in ur birdal party.
Posted by momo72010[/QUOTE]

Congratulations on your first post. Sadly it is 100% wrong, and let's all see how that attitude serves you in the coming months until your wedding.

OP, please ignore this "advice".

bablingbrooke · February 2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce01d31a-2324-4b3f-ad4a-0abf530f62e0Post:fb5752a8-733a-4980-b315-618ce77d4185">Re: Help! Maid of Honor issues!</a>:
[QUOTE]I am a bride myself and this is how i see it, my fiance sees it and my mother sees it, i have a brides maid whom is acting stuck up as well. We all agree that if this lady cant be a great bridesmaid or maid of honor then maybe you need to remind her this is YOUR WEDDING and if she isnt going to be supportive then maybe you need to not allower her to be in ur birdal party.
Posted by momo72010[/QUOTE]

<div>Spoken like someone who has 1) never been in a wedding, 2) never had a wedding, 3) is under 25 years old.</div>

Help! Maid of Honor issues!

Re: Help! Maid of Honor issues!

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