What are the exceptions to do overs?

shilotony2012 · May 2013

Im watching SYTTD and they are having 5, 10, even 30 year vow renewals and they are all getting the big poofy white/silver/whatever color dresses. They are having the full out wedding experience for their renewal. Is this acceptable?

Or what if parents are dying. Like a MOG is given less than 6 months to live and your wedding is 12 months out. You cant change the date, but you want that person to witness the wedding to your FI. This one I specifically ask because my FIs brother did this. Their mom was given les sthan 6 months to live, cancer came on fast, so he and his FI went to the courhouse so she could see them get married, then when the original date rolled around they did the ceremony and all the hoopla. Good thing they did the courthouse when they did because a week after the ceremony mom went into the hospital and passed away with 2 weeks. She never left the hospital . Anyway, I dont care one way or the other this is what they did, and i believe all of the guests knew they were married already due to his moms circumstances, but I was just wondering if even something like this make it ok?

I just see some posters saying there are exceptions so I was wondering what they were.

Maggie0829 · May 2013

I don't feel like there is ever an exception to this rule. Crap happens in life but as adults we have to make hard choices and compromises and we have to live with our decisions. Like with your example of a sick parent. As an adult you have to decide what is more important to you, having the big to-do or having your parent witness your marriage. And I don't know about anyone else but I would feel hella weird getting all dolled up as a bride and putting on a show when I was an old married hag. Same goes for lavish vow renewals, they just seem so AWish to me.

daria24 · May 2013

IMO- the full-on do over is (almost) never appropriate.

50th wedding anniversary parties are very big in my circle-they basically have a huge reception with plated dinner, a band, a tiered cake, a spot light dance, and sometimes a blessing/ recommitment of vows. But they never have a WP or a giant wedding dress. The couple isn't parading around like a bride and groom, but as a husband and wife who are celebrating years of happiness.

The ONLY thing I wouldn't side-eye is an LGBT couple who had a commitment ceremony at one point, and decide to have a big wedding once same-sex marriage is legal.

In the case of illnesses, it really sucks. My personal preference would be to skip the ceremony and just have the reception to celebrate with everyone.

shilotony2012 · May 2013

Maggie0829 said:

I don't feel like there is ever an exception to this rule. Crap happens in life but as adults we have to make hard choices and compromises and we have to live with our decisions. Like with your example of a sick parent. As an adult you have to decide what is more important to you, having the big to-do or having your parent witness your marriage. And I don't know about anyone else but I would feel hella weird getting all dolled up as a bride and putting on a show when I was an old married hag. Same goes for lavish vow renewals, they just seem so AWish to me.

My dad is very ill. Like he had a stroke last year and is still bed ridden and his disease that caused the stroke is killing his memory and mind. I have thought about what if he doesnt make it to the wedding. I would be crushed, and probably postpone the whole thing. BUT I have also thought that my wedding may be keeping him going. My sister eloped and my other marriages started out at the courthouse, so he has never "walked" any of us down the aisle. So, to me, he is so excited and is always asking when its time to put his tux on, that I truly believe that is part of what he is holding on for. He feels that FI should have been my husband for all these years and wants to see me get married to The One! Now,I truly dont want him to pass away anytime soon, but if I can give him some happiness Ill do whatever i can to make it happen.

And to be honest, I am looking forward to the PPD, and he sees that, so I think he enjoys watching me get all excited when I go visit .

shilotony2012 · May 2013

daria24 said:

IMO- the full-on do over is (almost) never appropriate. 50th wedding anniversary parties are very big in my circle-they basically have a huge reception with plated dinner, a band, a tiered cake, a spot light dance, and sometimes a blessing/ recommitment of vows. But they never have a WP or a giant wedding dress. The couple isn't parading around like a bride and groom, but as a husband and wife who are celebrating years of happiness. The ONLY thing I wouldn't side-eye is an LGBT couple who had a commitment ceremony at one point, and decide to have a big wedding once same-sex marriage is legal. In the case of illnesses, it really sucks. My personal preference would be to skip the ceremony and just have the reception to celebrate with everyone.

So, even if everyone knows that you are already married, but still want to share in the whole PPD with you?

And I agree with the LGBT, that is a very good exception to the rule!

erinlin25 · June 2013

I would not side eye someone who bumped up their wedding so a parent could see their child get married....and then followed through with the actual "wedding." It is not technically proper, but as long as guests know you are already married I say enjoy your party and celebrate some happiness.

manateehugger · June 2013

I never understand the reason of "What if we had to rush....but everyone wants to share the ceremony with you???"

Mostly because, who really cares about a re-do ceremony? It's not the actual wedding. Who cares? I just don't understand. I do get the wanting to have the big celebration party with everyone - that's why I have no problem with big blow out parties later. I just don't get why someone would think his/her family and friends would be DYING to see a fake second ceremony of a married couple.

shilotony2012 · June 2013

PDKH said:

I never understand the reason of "What if we had to rush....but everyone wants to share the ceremony with you???"

Mostly because, who really cares about a re-do ceremony? It's not the actual wedding. Who cares? I just don't understand. I do get the wanting to have the big celebration party with everyone - that's why I have no problem with big blow out parties later. I just don't get why someone would think his/her family and friends would be DYING to see a fake second ceremony of a married couple.

You would be surprised. To some people, fake or not, they want that PPD for their daughter and want to share in it. I mean, yes, the wedding is to combine a man and woman in marriage, but seriously, a lot of the family/friends just want the fun that goes along with it! I mean watching those bridal shows I see many many brides going for re-dos (three today alone) and their family and friends are fully aware its a re-do and they are so excited to see it. Whether its fake or not, people will feel what they will. They will still have the same emotion and joy.

Look at plays. Its not the original, but people still enjoy watching, and even participating in some cases. People are wierd. They can also forget for moments of time that it is a re-do, which causes those feelings. And, some people dont really care that it is a re-do. they really dont.

Myself, I dont care if its a re-do or not. I love weddings. I love the pomp and circumstance. i love the big poofy dresses. I cry at some of the wedding shows when they find the dress, or walk down the aisle. Some people are just like that.

AJuliaNJ · June 2013

I personally wouldn't have a problem with anyone doing a do-over as long as they were honest about what it was.

StPaul0102 · June 2013

I don't have any problem with ACTUAL vow renewals. My mom and dad renewed their vows on their 20th anniversary. Their wedding was a bit of a family scandal so they never had a big fancy wedding day but that wasn't the reason for the renewal (I don't remember my mom even bringing it up). My mom had been battling lupus for a long time (she eventually passed away from it later that year) and they wanted to have a celebration to commemorate everything they'd weathered together. She wore a simple knee-length pink dress that she felt pretty in, we had the touching little ceremony in front of a small number of close family and friends, and then we went back to the pool house at our condo and had cake and champagne and sat around and chatted and laughed and felt happy. It was sweet and simple and very un-do-over-y. Basically the exact opposite of every "vow renewal" I see on here.

HuckSC · June 2013

I have seen do-over weddings were only a few people knew that they were already married. Those are the ones I have a really really big problem with. I still have a problem with the big fancy walk down the isle after everyone knows they are already officially married. I would be more likely to show up at the reception to those and not the ceremony, because let's be honest that isn't the most important part of that day.

ETA: Clarity

manateehugger · June 2013

shilotony2012 said:

PDKH said:

I never understand the reason of "What if we had to rush....but everyone wants to share the ceremony with you???"

Mostly because, who really cares about a re-do ceremony? It's not the actual wedding. Who cares? I just don't understand. I do get the wanting to have the big celebration party with everyone - that's why I have no problem with big blow out parties later. I just don't get why someone would think his/her family and friends would be DYING to see a fake second ceremony of a married couple.

You would be surprised. To some people, fake or not, they want that PPD for their daughter and want to share in it. I mean, yes, the wedding is to combine a man and woman in marriage, but seriously, a lot of the family/friends just want the fun that goes along with it! I mean watching those bridal shows I see many many brides going for re-dos (three today alone) and their family and friends are fully aware its a re-do and they are so excited to see it. Whether its fake or not, people will feel what they will. They will still have the same emotion and joy.
Look at plays. Its not the original, but people still enjoy watching, and even participating in some cases. People are wierd. They can also forget for moments of time that it is a re-do, which causes those feelings. And, some people dont really care that it is a re-do. they really dont.
Myself, I dont care if its a re-do or not. I love weddings. I love the pomp and circumstance. i love the big poofy dresses. I cry at some of the wedding shows when they find the dress, or walk down the aisle. Some people are just like that.

I love weddings too, but re-dos aren't weddings, they are re-enactments. The play analogy baffles me. I prefer my graduation analogy. My HS was huge, so each student was only given two tickets. A few weeks later they hosted a graduation party for me. The whole family came and we celebrated, but I didn't wear my cap and gown. We didn't hire an actor to make a speech, read my name, and hand me a diploma as a strutted across a make-shift stage. I don't think my family wished we'de reenacted graduation for them. Sure they would have liked to see it, but a reenactment isn't the same as the actual event.

@Liatris made my point much better than I did. You don't love weddings if you love re-do's. You love a girl getting all dressed up and carrying flowers around everywhere. That is not a wedding.

shilotony2012 · June 2013

Liatris2010 said:

shilotony2012 said:

PDKH said:

I never understand the reason of "What if we had to rush....but everyone wants to share the ceremony with you???"

Mostly because, who really cares about a re-do ceremony? It's not the actual wedding. Who cares? I just don't understand. I do get the wanting to have the big celebration party with everyone - that's why I have no problem with big blow out parties later. I just don't get why someone would think his/her family and friends would be DYING to see a fake second ceremony of a married couple.

You would be surprised. To some people, fake or not, they want that PPD for their daughter and want to share in it. I mean, yes, the wedding is to combine a man and woman in marriage, but seriously, a lot of the family/friends just want the fun that goes along with it! I mean watching those bridal shows I see many many brides going for re-dos (three today alone) and their family and friends are fully aware its a re-do and they are so excited to see it. Whether its fake or not, people will feel what they will. They will still have the same emotion and joy.
Look at plays. Its not the original, but people still enjoy watching, and even participating in some cases. People are wierd. They can also forget for moments of time that it is a re-do, which causes those feelings. And, some people dont really care that it is a re-do. they really dont.
Myself, I dont care if its a re-do or not. I love weddings. I love the pomp and circumstance. i love the big poofy dresses. I cry at some of the wedding shows when they find the dress, or walk down the aisle. Some people are just like that.

I love weddings too, but re-dos aren't weddings, they are re-enactments. The play analogy baffles me. I prefer my graduation analogy. My HS was huge, so each student was only given two tickets. A few weeks later they hosted a graduation party for me. The whole family came and we celebrated, but I didn't wear my cap and gown. We didn't hire an actor to make a speech, read my name, and hand me a diploma as a strutted across a make-shift stage. I don't think my family wished we'de reenacted graduation for them. Sure they would have liked to see it, but a reenactment isn't the same as the actual event.

I actually like that analogy. And as a side story, we were also only given 2 tickets for graduation. Lets just say when my mom was done I have 10 people at graduation!! She would ask people who werent using all the tickets, she got extra cause her and my dad were "divorced", and who knows what else she did. She did it for all three of us!

shilotony2012 · June 2013

PDKH said:

shilotony2012 said:

PDKH said:

I never understand the reason of "What if we had to rush....but everyone wants to share the ceremony with you???"

Mostly because, who really cares about a re-do ceremony? It's not the actual wedding. Who cares? I just don't understand. I do get the wanting to have the big celebration party with everyone - that's why I have no problem with big blow out parties later. I just don't get why someone would think his/her family and friends would be DYING to see a fake second ceremony of a married couple.

You would be surprised. To some people, fake or not, they want that PPD for their daughter and want to share in it. I mean, yes, the wedding is to combine a man and woman in marriage, but seriously, a lot of the family/friends just want the fun that goes along with it! I mean watching those bridal shows I see many many brides going for re-dos (three today alone) and their family and friends are fully aware its a re-do and they are so excited to see it. Whether its fake or not, people will feel what they will. They will still have the same emotion and joy.
Look at plays. Its not the original, but people still enjoy watching, and even participating in some cases. People are wierd. They can also forget for moments of time that it is a re-do, which causes those feelings. And, some people dont really care that it is a re-do. they really dont.
Myself, I dont care if its a re-do or not. I love weddings. I love the pomp and circumstance. i love the big poofy dresses. I cry at some of the wedding shows when they find the dress, or walk down the aisle. Some people are just like that.

I love weddings too, but re-dos aren't weddings, they are re-enactments. The play analogy baffles me. I prefer my graduation analogy. My HS was huge, so each student was only given two tickets. A few weeks later they hosted a graduation party for me. The whole family came and we celebrated, but I didn't wear my cap and gown. We didn't hire an actor to make a speech, read my name, and hand me a diploma as a strutted across a make-shift stage. I don't think my family wished we'de reenacted graduation for them. Sure they would have liked to see it, but a reenactment isn't the same as the actual event.
@Liatris made my point much better than I did. You don't love weddings if you love re-do's. You love a girl getting all dressed up and carrying flowers around everywhere. That is not a wedding.

No, I love both. Real weddings AND re-enactments. Im not into muchy stuff, and I hate crying anout anything, although I do tear up, I just like the feelings I get when at either. Like FIs brothers. We knew they were already married, but it was still special to me because her dad was able to be the one who offciated. And it was special because I knew their mom was able to see them get married months prior. It was a happy sad day. They even did a very nice, although long, slideshow with their mom and even included their first courthouse wedding. It was sweet.

Just my opinion. My sister eloped. Months later she had a very nice reception for family and friends. She never wanted the big to-do and cringes with all the stuff I have to do. To each their own. As long as everyone is honest and everyone knows its a reenactment(btw Iike that word better), guests are free to just go to the party after.

artbyallie · June 2013

Weddings are not plays. If I am not seeing you actually get married, I don't want to watch you pretend. And really, even if I am super close to you, most weddings have some pretty boring moments. We go to plays because they are entertaining. We go to weddings because they are meaningful. BIG difference, IMO, and I have a degree in theatre.

I hate the implication inherent in PPDs that your wedding isn't real enough if you did it without a big white dress and matchy attendants. Particularly when (as defenders of re-dos do so often on here) one refers to the legal marriage as a 'paper' wedding and the pretend one as the 'real' wedding. That makes me rage, and I cannot even imagine how it makes LGBT couples feel, when I know they would kill for that piece of paper that grants 1000+ federal rights.

Also, tangent... @shilotony2012, your sig is messed up. Maybe missing a line of code?

shilotony2012 · June 2013

artbyallie said:

Weddings are not plays. If I am not seeing you actually get married, I don't want to watch you pretend. And really, even if I am super close to you, most weddings have some pretty boring moments. We go to plays because they are entertaining. We go to weddings because they are meaningful. BIG difference, IMO, and I have a degree in theatre.

I hate the implication inherent in PPDs that your wedding isn't real enough if you did it without a big white dress and matchy attendants. Particularly when (as defenders of re-dos do so often on here) one refers to the legal marriage as a 'paper' wedding and the pretend one as the 'real' wedding. That makes me rage, and I cannot even imagine how it makes LGBT couples feel, when I know they would kill for that piece of paper that grants 1000+ federal rights.

Also, tangent... @shilotony2012, your sig is messed up. Maybe missing a line of code?

I know. Ive been trying to fix it for DAYS!! Now I cant remember how in the heck I find the place where I adjust my siggy, lol.

and I do agree. Someone just asked why someone would want to watch a reenactment(Im so gonna start using this over re-do!). I just put in my POV.

Summer2011Bride · June 2013

I don't think there is really ever a legitimate reason for doing an actual do-over, meaning ceremony and reception. Like PPs have stated, even in the case of an ill parent, choices have to be made. It depends on each person and I would talk to the ailing parent and see what they wanted to do as well.

Throwing a party celebrating the marriage later I am OK with. So say you move up your wedding so an ill parent can attend and then a year or whatever later, you throw a big anniversary party or BBQ or something. That is fine. It's not a fake wedding, there are no vows, no big wedding dress, etc. It's just a party. I see no issue with that. Same goes for throwing a party when you get back from a DW which is also popular.

I think true vow renewals should be saved for very special occasions. A 50th anniversary vow renewal would be sweet and very cool IMO. That's a long time and a lot of challenges you have (probably) overcome in that time period but you stuck to it with each other.

You almost get divorced, are separated, go through a really rough patch but then decide to stay together and move forward? I think a vow renewal there might be appropriate. One of you has a very serious, life-threatening illness, you don't think you will make it, your spouse is by your side for the whole thing and you pull through? I think a vow renewal after that difficult ordeal would be appropriate also.

But too often people see celebs running around with "vow renewals" every year as an excuse to throw another million dollar party and they want to renew their vows all the time too. That cheapens it, IMO, and renewals should only be used after truly difficult circumstances where you come out the other side happier and stronger and it truly is reaffirming your relationship to one another. If you want to throw a party every year for the sake of throwing one, go right on with your bad self. It doesn't have to be wrapped up as a wedding do-over.

shilotony2012 · June 2013

Summer2011Bride, I have a co worker that does a vow renewal every year on their anniversary. Its not a party or anything, they just go on a vacation and redo their vows.

PS: Im jealous about your cabin in the woods! Ive always wanted to do something like that, or get a cabin by a lake for a few weeks!

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

Simply Fated · June 2013

I can't think if any reason I wouldn't side-eye a PPD.
It's just very AWish. Have your wedding day any way you want it and enjoy your marriage. Being married should be sufficient enough.

annathy03 · June 2013

I don't think there is an exception to a do-over for the ceremony (LBGT would be, but in that case it isn't a do-over, it's a legal ceremony they were previously denied), however I wouldn't side-eye post receptions in the circumstances talked about here. Just don't deminish the meaning of the true ceremony by having a fake one, or call things "firsts" since they obviously aren't.

harper0813 · June 2013

I personally don't have an issue with do-overs involving a deathly ill parent. But I'm fairly forgiving.

The other exception, for me, is not really a PPD but a second ceremony - if a couple is legally married but have a convalidation ceremony in a church at a later date. I don't think a reception after that is appropriate, but I think a nice dinner between the couple and possibly ther witnesses is fine. FI and I plan to do this at some point. And, of course, a wedding gown is inappropriate.

annathy03 · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

I don't think there is an exception to a do-over for the ceremony (LBGT would be, but in that case it isn't a do-over, it's a legal ceremony they were previously denied), however I wouldn't side-eye post receptions in the circumstances talked about here. Just don't deminish the meaning of the true ceremony by having a fake one, or call things "firsts" since they obviously aren't.
Side note: H and I have danced together exactly once in 10 years. So if we'd had a later reception and done a spotlight dance, it would have been our "first dance as husband and wife", whether it was 2 months or 2 years after our wedding ceremony. I agree with your post completely, but it always makes me giggle/eye roll/something when people make statements like "it OBVIOUSLY won't be your first dance if you're already married". Apparently we're weird and all other couples dance together weekly?

@Stage, I was more referring to the "introducing for the first time, mr. and mrs. smith", but I agree, a lot of couples don't dance unless there is a dance floor, so unless there was another wedding between the ceremony and post reception, that would likely be a first. FI and I quasi-dance regularly, but it's more us being silly with each other and probably looks like a bad version of the chicken dance in the kitchen.

QueerFemme · June 2013

If we ever get the chance, I'm going to have a legal re-do. But, it will just be us, and maybe a couple of best friends. And I'm totally going to buy another dress. But, no big party after.

peekaboo2011 · June 2013

A friend of mine had to deal with the ailing parent thing. Her mom got really sick. She got engaged one weekend, and they threw together a quick wedding at the hospital with close family only the following weekend so that her mom could be there. Her mom passed away less than a week later. The wedding was gorgeous, her pictures were amazing, and I think she threw a party a few months later with friends. She didn't re-do a ceremony, but she did wear the same sundress she wore for her wedding. No side-eyes, no judgement.

sdg2502 · June 2013

We're getting married in Vegas and of a guest list of about 80, who would all probably attend an at home wedding, we expect about 30 will be able to join us. When we get home, we are having a party. We won't be wearing our dresses again (unless we decide to get married in nice designer dresses and not wedding dresses), we won't do a ceremony, we won't have a photographer, we'll just have a big party.
If/when gay marriage is legalised here, we might have another party, but it would be having our friends round our house type affair, without all the aunts and uncles and auxiliary guests you get attached with weddings. I would call it our levelling up party.
Achievement unlocked:legal marriage. +10 xp to status, happiness and perception. Homophobes in your area now suffer -10 legitimacy for every 1 minute.

If someone had to get married early, I would say go for it. Then, have a big party. Friends and family would happily celebrate a wedding but its not fair to ask or expect people to treat it like the wedding day. My opinion of this has evolved rapidly by the way. When I first joined here, I couldn't understand the distaste about do-overs. Amusingly, what changed my mind was when someone linked to the do over thread on WB. Someone there was actually planning the wedding and not getting legally married til six months later, but not telling guests. Wtf?!

QueerFemme · June 2013

sdg2502 said:

We're getting married in Vegas and of a guest list of about 80, who would all probably attend an at home wedding, we expect about 30 will be able to join us. When we get home, we are having a party. We won't be wearing our dresses again (unless we decide to get married in nice designer dresses and not wedding dresses), we won't do a ceremony, we won't have a photographer, we'll just have a big party. If/when gay marriage is legalised here, we might have another party, but it would be having our friends round our house type affair, without all the aunts and uncles and auxiliary guests you get attached with weddings. I would call it our levelling up party. Achievement unlocked:legal marriage. +10 xp to status, happiness and perception. Homophobes in your area now suffer -10 legitimacy for every 1 minute. If someone had to get married early, I would say go for it. Then, have a big party. Friends and family would happily celebrate a wedding but its not fair to ask or expect people to treat it like the wedding day. My opinion of this has evolved rapidly by the way. When I first joined here, I couldn't understand the distaste about do-overs. Amusingly, what changed my mind was when someone linked to the do over thread on WB. Someone there was actually planning the wedding and not getting legally married til six months later, but not telling guests. Wtf?!

How are you getting married in Vegas as a same sex couple?

sdg2502 · June 2013

Either just before or just after we've been, we'll complete the paperwork at home.

manateehugger · June 2013

sxyktn812 said:

I would say that my other exception to the two ceremony thing is hosting for two cultures in two countries- I know a couple where he is Indian and she is from the US. They had two weddings, a traditional American one here (white dress and all) and then an Indian ceremony a few weeks later (different wedding party, wearing saris, etc.). Both were large events and they hosted a reception in each country. I didn't think this counted as a PPD in my opinion. Anyone else?

I'm slightly forgiving in this scenario (I'm Indian, FI is very much a white midwestern boy). This idea was tossed around for us, but honestly, I just said no...over and over again. And believe me, the decision is not popular with my side of the family. But legally married is legally married.

In this case, I view unwillingness to tell family to get over it as a far lesser crime than just wanting a fluffy re-do. I view two different cultural ceremonies the same way I view ceremonies followed by a convalidation - not ideal, but it can be done in good taste.

QueerFemme · June 2013

sdg2502 said:

Either just before or just after we've been, we'll complete the paperwork at home.

Ahhh. I think it's odd to ask your guests to travel to a DW when the state you are asking them to travel to isn't a SS marriage state.

sdg2502 · June 2013

I'm in the UK so it isn't a matter of travelling from a state that doesn't have equal marriage to one that does. Instead, we just looked at the huge variety of destinations we would love to travel to for our wedding. During our research we realised that there were very few that would enable us to have a legal ceremony, both because of their legislation and our home countries. We decided on Vegas after toying with the idea of Ibiza.
The same sex marriage fact aside, what we're doing isn't too uncommon for a UK couple. If we were a straight couple, getting married in Spain (like our initial Ibiza idea) we wouldn't be able to have a legal ceremony there unless one of us were a Spanish resident. The requirement is that the paperwork is done at a registry office either just before or just after.

What are the exceptions to do overs?

Re: What are the exceptions to do overs?

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