OK, this is a long story but I am going to try and keep it short and to the point. Thank you in advance for reading it if you do! If you need more information to give your honest opinion, please don't hesitate to ask.
A girl I was friends with in high school and college asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding in October 2012. She asked me and two of my other high school friends at a lunch. We all accepted, even though all three of us mentioned and agreed that we felt like "fillers", considering the bride lived out of town and rarely saw and spoke with any of us.
In November 2012, I find out that my boss was transferring her position (and mine) across the country, literally from one coast to the other. She offered for me to come with her, and I accepted.
In February 2013 I find out that I would possibly be out of the country during the wedding, for a professional training seminar that my boss and I had been planning on me attending since I accepted the position in March 2012. At the time the dates of the training seminar had not been posted, and when the dates were confirmed coincidentally is was during the ONE weekend of 2013 that I have plans (the brides wedding). Background on the training seminar: It was something I was applying to get into, thus not guaranteed I would be going, and was a HUGE opportunity as my boss offered to pay for me to go, plus it was a certification that would undoubtedly affect my career in so many great ways. All in all it was the opportunity of a lifetime and I knew in my heart that I had to go if I was accepted.
I told the bride right away about the situation. She told me she was disappointed but obviously not angry with me.
So, two weeks ago I received dissapointing news, I was not accepted into the training seminar.
I called the bride and told her that I would be able to attend and asked for the information on the dress and wedding (she had cut me out of the email loop since I told her I would possibly not be attending). She sent me the dress info and said that the dress order needed to be put in that day as the dresses take 16 weeks to get there. I go to order the dress.... and its $205. I started to get a little worried about the expenses, so I priced the airfare, around $600.
Then I got really worried. With moving across country next month (July 2013) I have a tight budget right now. So I decided to email the bride and tell her Im so sorry but I wont be able to order the dress right away. I told her that getting to the wedding is my top priority, so I wanted to order the plane ticket first (plus the longer I wait to buy airfare the more the price will raise). This is my first experience being involved in a wedding at any level, so I unsure if I was expected to pay for hotel accommodations as well, so I asked this in the email too. Additionally, I have not heard any plans or details from anyone about the shower and bachlorette party so I asked about those. I expressed my desire to be at the wedding and my excitement, but that I was worried about affording all of this without the proper time to plan and save money.
The bride responded 4 days later, in a rather snarky and honestly surprising way. Telling me to "do what I needed to do" and that she mentioned the hotel prices the day she asked us to be in the wedding, surprised that I did not remember the details. I honestly dont remember her saying this, but the hotel is either $200 or $175, but I could also stay at her house, which is a couple of miles away from the hotel, for free.
The tone of the email was hurtful and honestly made me angry that she was not more understanding that spending over $1000 a couple months after I move across country was worrying me a little.
To add onto this, the bride forgot my birthday in 2012... and guess what AGAIN this year. She texted me the day after, saying sorry and to give HER a call so we could catch up. Ummm, is it wrong to expect her to do the calling after forgetting to say happy birthday?
Also, the bride has not involved me in the wedding process at all. I offered to go shopping with her for dresses, just to give me a heads up so I could plan to take a day off since we live 6 hours apart. I got a text from her 3 days before she was going to look at bridesmaid dresses asking me to join, which I could not do because I already had plans that took me out of town that weekend. This was the only effort the bride made to involve me.
I am starting to really feel that I am just a filler, and that the bride and I are not really friends and will not continue a friendship after the wedding. I am really conflicted by these feelings. On one hand I want to be a good friend and be there and fulfill my commitment, however I fear I will hold a lot of resentment if I spend $1000 on a person who makes me feel as if we are not even friends.
I am considering backing out of the wedding. Tell me your honest thoughts. Am I horrible? Am I justified? What would you do?
Thank you so much for reading this, I know its long.