HELP - Should I Back Out of Being a Bridesmaid?

TinyDancer1212 · June 2013

OK, this is a long story but I am going to try and keep it short and to the point. Thank you in advance for reading it if you do! If you need more information to give your honest opinion, please don't hesitate to ask.

A girl I was friends with in high school and college asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding in October 2012. She asked me and two of my other high school friends at a lunch. We all accepted, even though all three of us mentioned and agreed that we felt like "fillers", considering the bride lived out of town and rarely saw and spoke with any of us.

In November 2012, I find out that my boss was transferring her position (and mine) across the country, literally from one coast to the other. She offered for me to come with her, and I accepted.

In February 2013 I find out that I would possibly be out of the country during the wedding, for a professional training seminar that my boss and I had been planning on me attending since I accepted the position in March 2012. At the time the dates of the training seminar had not been posted, and when the dates were confirmed coincidentally is was during the ONE weekend of 2013 that I have plans (the brides wedding). Background on the training seminar: It was something I was applying to get into, thus not guaranteed I would be going, and was a HUGE opportunity as my boss offered to pay for me to go, plus it was a certification that would undoubtedly affect my career in so many great ways. All in all it was the opportunity of a lifetime and I knew in my heart that I had to go if I was accepted.

I told the bride right away about the situation. She told me she was disappointed but obviously not angry with me.

So, two weeks ago I received dissapointing news, I was not accepted into the training seminar.

I called the bride and told her that I would be able to attend and asked for the information on the dress and wedding (she had cut me out of the email loop since I told her I would possibly not be attending). She sent me the dress info and said that the dress order needed to be put in that day as the dresses take 16 weeks to get there. I go to order the dress.... and its $205. I started to get a little worried about the expenses, so I priced the airfare, around $600.

Then I got really worried. With moving across country next month (July 2013) I have a tight budget right now. So I decided to email the bride and tell her Im so sorry but I wont be able to order the dress right away. I told her that getting to the wedding is my top priority, so I wanted to order the plane ticket first (plus the longer I wait to buy airfare the more the price will raise). This is my first experience being involved in a wedding at any level, so I unsure if I was expected to pay for hotel accommodations as well, so I asked this in the email too. Additionally, I have not heard any plans or details from anyone about the shower and bachlorette party so I asked about those. I expressed my desire to be at the wedding and my excitement, but that I was worried about affording all of this without the proper time to plan and save money.

The bride responded 4 days later, in a rather snarky and honestly surprising way. Telling me to "do what I needed to do" and that she mentioned the hotel prices the day she asked us to be in the wedding, surprised that I did not remember the details. I honestly dont remember her saying this, but the hotel is either $200 or $175, but I could also stay at her house, which is a couple of miles away from the hotel, for free.

The tone of the email was hurtful and honestly made me angry that she was not more understanding that spending over $1000 a couple months after I move across country was worrying me a little.

To add onto this, the bride forgot my birthday in 2012... and guess what AGAIN this year. She texted me the day after, saying sorry and to give HER a call so we could catch up. Ummm, is it wrong to expect her to do the calling after forgetting to say happy birthday?

Also, the bride has not involved me in the wedding process at all. I offered to go shopping with her for dresses, just to give me a heads up so I could plan to take a day off since we live 6 hours apart. I got a text from her 3 days before she was going to look at bridesmaid dresses asking me to join, which I could not do because I already had plans that took me out of town that weekend. This was the only effort the bride made to involve me.

I am starting to really feel that I am just a filler, and that the bride and I are not really friends and will not continue a friendship after the wedding. I am really conflicted by these feelings. On one hand I want to be a good friend and be there and fulfill my commitment, however I fear I will hold a lot of resentment if I spend $1000 on a person who makes me feel as if we are not even friends.

I am considering backing out of the wedding. Tell me your honest thoughts. Am I horrible? Am I justified? What would you do?

Thank you so much for reading this, I know its long.

TheBaysideBride · June 2013

Hi - if you can swing it, I would stay in the wedding. You'll have to pay hotel and airfare either way, and $200 for the dress is probably what you'd pay for a new dress as well.

I know her tone hurt your feelings, as did her forgetting your birthday, but as bride (who has been a bridesmaid like 15 times) I can tell you she is juggling a million things right now, and this is adding one more stress to her list of to-dos. Just accept, and do it.

If you can't be in the wedding, I would skip it entirely, and send a very nice gift.

TheBaysideBride · June 2013

The real problem is that she shouldn't have asked, and you shouldn't have accepted.... but, what's done is done. good luck!! you sound very thoughtful.

Simply Fated · June 2013

It sounds like you'd be looking forward more to this wedding if you attended as a guest.
As a bridesmaid, your only job is to show up wearing the dress. But even that seems to be stressing you out, which is understandable.
As someone who has moved long distance twice, I know how stressful, expensive, and time consuming it is. Take a step back and consider if you'd feel better not having to worry about the dress and other wedding details.

TinyDancer1212 · June 2013

Thank you for responding, I truly appreciate it!

BaysideBride - you are so correct, she should not have asked me and I should not have accepted. This, being my first experience being asked to be a bridesmaid, has been a valuable lesson for me and in the future I will give more thought to my acceptance or non-acceptance to such a commitment.

SimpleFated - Yes, I thought I would feel better if I was only a guest and not a bridesmaid. After her response to my email I called her to apologize and discuss things. The bride made it clear the dress orders had to be that week, and since I was not able to do this I am no longer a bridesmaid (sorry I didn't add this, the story was already so long). Well I still don't feel satisfied because during this conversation the bride made it clear on the phone that I was no longer invited to the reception dinner, she said this was only for family and the bridal party. Maybe this is tradition, but if she considered me a close friend wouldn't she want me there regardless of whether I was wearing the bridesmaid dress or not? Like I said, lesson learned.

Thanks for your responses!

Simply Fated · June 2013

TinyDancer1212 said:
Thank you for responding, I truly appreciate it!

BaysideBride - you are so correct, she should not have asked me and I should not have accepted. This, being my first experience being asked to be a bridesmaid, has been a valuable lesson for me and in the future I will give more thought to my acceptance or non-acceptance to such a commitment.

SimpleFated - Yes, I thought I would feel better if I was only a guest and not a bridesmaid. After her response to my email I called her to apologize and discuss things. The bride made it clear the dress orders had to be that week, and since I was not able to do this I am no longer a bridesmaid (sorry I didn't add this, the story was already so long). Well I still don't feel satisfied because during this conversation the bride made it clear on the phone that I was no longer invited to the reception dinner, she said this was only for family and the bridal party. Maybe this is tradition, but if she considered me a close friend wouldn't she want me there regardless of whether I was wearing the bridesmaid dress or not? Like I said, lesson learned.

Thanks for your responses!

She said reception dinner? Are you sure she didn't mean rehearsal dinner? I'm floored, just floored if she was really meaning that you were no longer invited to the wedding. I have no words for that.

TinyDancer1212 · June 2013

Simply Fated - Sorry, I used the wrong term, rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding is what she said I should not be at.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

TinyDancer1212 said:
Thank you for responding, I truly appreciate it!

BaysideBride - you are so correct, she should not have asked me and I should not have accepted. This, being my first experience being asked to be a bridesmaid, has been a valuable lesson for me and in the future I will give more thought to my acceptance or non-acceptance to such a commitment.

SimpleFated - Yes, I thought I would feel better if I was only a guest and not a bridesmaid. After her response to my email I called her to apologize and discuss things. The bride made it clear the dress orders had to be that week, and since I was not able to do this I am no longer a bridesmaid (sorry I didn't add this, the story was already so long). Well I still don't feel satisfied because during this conversation the bride made it clear on the phone that I was no longer invited to the reception dinner, she said this was only for family and the bridal party. Maybe this is tradition, but if she considered me a close friend wouldn't she want me there regardless of whether I was wearing the bridesmaid dress or not? Like I said, lesson learned.

Thanks for your responses!

The bride served herself a heap of trouble by not consulting with the bridal party about their budgets prior to picking the dresses. My guess is that you aeen't the first BM to be expressing concern, and that's why she's getting frazzled and snippy.

As far as the rehersal dinner, she is not obligated to invite anyone other than those that need to rehearse the ceremony and their SOs. Would it be nice to turn it into a big party? Sure. But as you've observed, weddings rake up costs like crazy. I can also tell you from experience that turning it into a big party REALLY hampers the act of rehearsing, which is supposed to be the point.

From how you describe your interactions, it sounds like backing out would potentially end the relationship. Only you can judge if it is something that you would seriously miss in your life.

TinyDancer1212 · June 2013

PeleDreamsofrain - Thanks for your response and explanation of the rehearsal dinner. Again my lack of experience is showing and you explaining that really helps me see her point of view better. Thank you!

Simply Fated · June 2013

Ohhhh okay.
Some people like to invite out of town guests to to the rehearsal dinner, but really the only people who need to be invited are the people who rehearsed.
It sucks she won't make an exception for you, but think of it as freedom to do whatever you want to do the night before the wedding.

lyndausvi · June 2013

Maybe it's just me but I feel like you are looking for things against the bride to justify not being in the wedding. Really? She forgot your birthday? Not everyone remembers b-days or even calls to wish people happy birthday. I hardly think that is a measurement how close you are to someone.

You agreed to be in the wedding, then backed out (for good legit reason), then you told her you are back in, then you told her you might not be able to afford it. Maybe her email was snarky by saying "do what you need to do", but what else can she say? You are in, then out, then in?

Fact is she can't "kick you out" without looking like at b-tch so she is just letting you make the choice. She might be thinking if you can be in the wedding great, if you can't NBD.

It seems to me this move, job and stuff is causing you stress. If you can't afford to be in the wedding just tell her. Don't make up some stupid excuses that she was snarky to you when you are filp-floping being in the wedding or not or that she missed your birthday.

You are really making more out of this than necessary. People have to back out weddings sometimes, NDB.

Marrin713 · June 2013

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but didn't bride already take you out of wedding party? If so, what's the question?

Marrin713 · June 2013

TinyDancer1212 said:

Thank you for responding, I truly appreciate it!

BaysideBride - you are so correct, she should not have asked me and I should not have accepted. This, being my first experience being asked to be a bridesmaid, has been a valuable lesson for me and in the future I will give more thought to my acceptance or non-acceptance to such a commitment.

SimpleFated - Yes, I thought I would feel better if I was only a guest and not a bridesmaid. After her response to my email I called her to apologize and discuss things. The bride made it clear the dress orders had to be that week, and since I was not able to do this I am no longer a bridesmaid (sorry I didn't add this, the story was already so long). Well I still don't feel satisfied because during this conversation the bride made it clear on the phone that I was no longer invited to the reception dinner, she said this was only for family and the bridal party. Maybe this is tradition, but if she considered me a close friend wouldn't she want me there regardless of whether I was wearing the bridesmaid dress or not? Like I said, lesson learned.

Thanks for your responses!

Bolded is the part I am confused about.

musicalcanadianbride · June 2013

You backed out (for a real reason) and then wanted back in and now want out again. If I were the bride, I'd be annoyed too. Make a decision and stick to it.

32daisies · June 2013

If I had to guess, the bride was probably fine with you backing out in the first place; you had very valid reasons, after all, and it wasn't personal. But then you wanted back in, and etiquette alone dictates she can't tell you "no" at that point, even if she may have been thinking, "First she's in, then she's out, now she's in again..." It's not that she doesn't want you, it's that, just like you, she's got a lot going on in her life and you keep (legitimately) changing your mind.

So she told you what you'd have to do. The dress might be expensive, but she may have run that dress, and that cost, by the other bridesmaids in the intervening time, when you weren't in the WP, so you missed that decision. You told her you might need help with lodging, and she's offering to let you stay at her house, which I kind of think is a nice gesture given that she's going to be in the midst of getting married. And you, again, legitimately come back and tell her you can't get the dress right now, and she probably, yes, got snarky. She asked, you said yes, you said no, you said yes, you can't afford a hotel, she's putting you up at her house, you can't get a dress, she lost her cool and told you you weren't in the wedding party anymore. Which she shouldn't have done as per etiquette, but I think she was probably just throwing her hands up at that point.

I hope this doesn't seem mean. You have other valid concerns and events in your life right now. So does she. You probably shouldn't have said yes in the first place; it doesn't sound like you felt, from the get-go, like you should be in this wedding. But what's done is done. I think the best thing to do at this point is say, "Friend X, sorry for all the back and forth. I'm honored you asked me to be in your wedding party last year, and though that hasn't worked out, I'm thrilled and excited for you and look forward to being there as a guest." Do you think that would smooth things over?

rajahmd · June 2013

I honestly don't think the bride has done anything wrong here. And you either. You backed out when you thought you couldn't make it, she went about her business. Chances are she picked the dress during that time period, so it makes sense that you didn't get a say in it or the price. Hopefully she ran the budget past the other bridesmaids during that time. She let you back in when you asked, but honestly she probably felt like she couldn't say no. She's done what she can do to help you out money wise. It's not her fault you wanted back in and there isn't much time to order dresses. It's unfortunate, but no one's fault. And she didn't do anything wrong by saying if you don't get the dress you're out. We tell brides here that all the time. If getting a dress is a requirement, then you can't be a bridesmaid without it. Tough luck, but again, no one's fault.

I'm with PP, it sounds like you are looking for nitpicky reasons to be mad at her so you'll feel better about not being a bridesmaid. Look, it sucks that you can't be afford to be a bridesmaid. But it's not the brides fault. The only additional expense to being a bridesmaid that you wouldn't have as a guest is the dress. Otherwise, to go you'll still have to pay for airfare and a hotel. And I highly doubt the bride would let you stay at her house if you're just a guest and not a bridesmaid. And she doesn't have to. As far as the rehearsal dinner, it's usually just those that need to be at the rehearsal. Some invite OOT guests, but it's not required. I know personally I want to keep our RD and rehearsal small so as to keep the ceremony a surprise for as many people as possible.

Honestly, it sounds like not going at all would be the best option. If airfare and hotel + dress is really too much for you, I honestly don't see how just airfare and hotel would be any better, especially when she was willing to let you stay at her house to save money.

MuppetFan · June 2013

The bride hasn't done anything wrong here. You are being wishy washy (yes, no, yes, maybe) and I'd be annoyed too if I were her. Make a decision and go with it....To me, It sounds like you have never wanted to be part of this wedding, even as a guest and are looking for approval to leave. $800 for airfare and accommodations is a fixed cost whether you are a guest or in the bridal party. So the only cost to you in addition to that is $205 for the dress and whatever you choose to contribute for her bachelorette or shower. It doesn't sound like you care a lot about the relationship and being so far away, will you ever see her again? If you don't want to go, CALL her and talk to her and apologize, and send her a nice gift.

You're making a lot of assumptions about her in general:

Rationale for inviting you: I genuinely didn't realize how much I'd grown apart from 2 of my HS friends until I asked them to be part of my first wedding and they declined. I loved them, they were not fillers to me. Regardless, you accepted, it's time to stop holding it against her.

E-mail: You chose to e-mail her which doesn't necessitate the immediate response a phone call has, it also means you are assuming her tone.

Dresses: Bridal shops order dresses together and wait until all deposits have been made to place it. Waiting beyond a given date most often means that everyone will have to pay an expedite fee to insure on time delivery. You might be causing that by waiting. This is the bridal shop's deadline, not the bride's.

ETA: I just saw that the bride told you that aren't part of the wedding anymore because you couldn't order your dress. That's reasonable to me since that's your only requirement to be party of the wedding. All of this seems moot to me since your decision about being in the wedding party was decided when you didn't buy the dress.

rajahmd · June 2013

PrincessBride2016 said:

Marrin713 said:

Maybe I'm reading this wrong, but didn't bride already take you out of wedding party? If so, what's the question?

So I am not the only one who caught that. She already told you you are no longer a bridesmaid what is the question here?

Honestly, I think she's just complaining about the bride. She hasn't asked a real question. I think she might also be looking for vindication about her crappy feelings. Sorry, I'm on team Bride here. I'd give her a hug if I could. Imagine how she would feel if she saw this OP.

TinyDancer1212 · June 2013

Thank you for your responses!

You are all valid in your confusion with my question and why I am considering backing out for the reasons I explained. There's a lot more going on here with our relationship and the way she has treated me since I first told her I might not be able to make it and another very hurtful situation that happened that's truly left me wondering if the bride and me should even remain friends.

I didn't include all the details because one it would be a very long post. Second its so unique that I fear of she reads these boards she may know im talking about us and o would hate to embarass anyone that way. Third, my thoughts have been spinning in my head about this so much , that I didn't even really understand all of my feelings about this until now. Writing It out and hearing your responses has been a good problem solving process for me.

So you are all right, I am trying to find reasons to validate my backing out. Thanks for pointing this out and taking the time to read all of this and being honest with me.

rajahmd · June 2013

TinyDancer1212 said:

Thank you for your responses! You are all valid in your confusion with my question and why I am considering backing out for the reasons I explained. There's a lot more going on here with our relationship and the way she has treated me since I first told her I might not be able to make it and another very hurtful situation that happened that's truly left me wondering if the bride and me should even remain friends. I didn't include all the details because one it would be a very long post. Second its so unique that I fear of she reads these boards she may know im talking about us and o would hate to embarass anyone that way. Third, my thoughts have been spinning in my head about this so much , that I didn't even really understand all of my feelings about this until now. Writing It out and hearing your responses has been a good problem solving process for me. So you are all right, I am trying to find reasons to validate my backing out. Thanks for pointing this out and taking the time to read all of this and being honest with me.

I'm glad you were able to take what we said and really listen to it. I still don't know why you're asking about stepping down. If you have already told her you can't get the dress, you have already taken yourself out of the wedding party.

As far as the friendship issues, I wish you could give us more detail. That would help us answer you better. Personally, I know how hard it can be to see a long friendship die, especially if the other party did something hurtful. Without knowing what she supposedly did, there's no way to know if you're exaggerating or if you're right, so we can't really help you figure that out. Best of luck. Also, I still think you should decline going to the wedding. Call to let her know you just can't swing the money for the trip and send a nice gift. Otherwise she might just feel like you were using money as an excuse to back out of the wedding party but still have plenty to actually come to the wedding.

TinyDancer1212 · June 2013

I'm considering backing out of the wedding all together. Sorry I didn't make that clear. I should have titled the post differently in the very beginnin. Again I'm sorry for the confusing story and jumbled thoughts and thanks for your time.

TinyDancer1212 · June 2013

Rachel - I agree that more information would definitely be useful. I hesitate again because the situation is pretty unique and I know the bride would find this extremely embarrassing if I posted all about it. I'm already feeling guilty about giving all the info I did. I really don't want to hurt her. Last night I couldn't sleep over this so I decided to suck it up and post asking for advice, which has been helpful but I still feel weird about her possibly seeing all of this I hope you understand.

rajahmd · June 2013

@TinyDancer1212, I understand that you don't feel comfortable giving more info, I'm just saying we can't give better advice without knowing the entire situation.

I stick by my advice that the best option for you is to decline and send a nice gift. Given the circumstances, I would recommend calling her to tell her you can't come. To go from being a bridesmaid to not coming at all could be hurtful to her, and it's ok for her to feel that way. Just be really polite, emphasize that with the move you just don't have the money, wish her well, and send a nice gift to show you care. Understand that there will probably be hard feelings, but that's ok as long as she doesn't take it out on you.

annathy03 · June 2013

I agree with PPs. The dress, while not cheap, was inexpensive compared with the flight. It's fine to not be able to swing that extra money, but I think you'd be better off declining and sending a thoughtful gift. Like Rachel I'd recommend calling, tone on email can be read poorly, and you'll want to communicate that while excited and happy for her you just aren't in a position to spend the money to attend with your upcoming/recent move.

RebeccaB88 · June 2013

I read it differently. I took it as the OP couldn't afford the dress, that she wasn't consulted on the budget for, right then, so the bride threw her out of the wedding party. No need for the OP to drop out. But, it doesn't sound like they are that close friends anyway, so maybe it's best for the OP's finances that she not be in the wedding.

MuppetFan · June 2013

RebeccaB88 said:

I read it differently. I took it as the OP couldn't afford the dress, that she wasn't consulted on the budget for, right then, so the bride threw her out of the wedding party. No need for the OP to drop out. But, it doesn't sound like they are that close friends anyway, so maybe it's best for the OP's finances that sthe not be in the wedding.

I think you need to re-read

Kate61487 · June 2013

TinyDancer1212 said:

OK, this is a long story but I am going to try and keep it short and to the point. Thank you in advance for reading it if you do! If you need more information to give your honest opinion, please don't hesitate to ask.

A girl I was friends with in high school and college asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding in October 2012. She asked me and two of my other high school friends at a lunch. We all accepted, even though all three of us mentioned and agreed that we felt like "fillers", considering the bride lived out of town and rarely saw and spoke with any of us. If you didn't feel close any longer you probably should have declined, but my MOH and I rarely see each other and she's still my best friend, so I don't think the bride was necessarily treating you as fillers.
[.....]
I called the bride and told her that I would be able to attend and asked for the information on the dress and wedding (she had cut me out of the email loop since I told her I would possibly not be attending). She sent me the dress info and said that the dress order needed to be put in that day as the dresses take 16 weeks to get there. I go to order the dress.... and its $205. I started to get a little worried about the expenses, so I priced the airfare, around $600. Ideally the bride would have asked for your budget, but since you kind of stepped down in the middle I'm guessing that's why you weren't included in selecting the dress.
Then I got really worried. With moving across country next month (July 2013) I have a tight budget right now. So I decided to email the bride and tell her Im so sorry but I wont be able to order the dress right away. I told her that getting to the wedding is my top priority, so I wanted to order the plane ticket first (plus the longer I wait to buy airfare the more the price will raise). This is my first experience being involved in a wedding at any level, so I unsure if I was expected to pay for hotel accommodations as well, so I asked this in the email too. Additionally, I have not heard any plans or details from anyone about the shower and bachlorette party so I asked about those. I expressed my desire to be at the wedding and my excitement, but that I was worried about affording all of this without the proper time to plan and save money. It's not the bride's fault that you don't have "proper time to plan and save money" You've known about this for 10 months. The fact that you couldn't make up your mind regarding whether you were going to be in it or not isn't her fault or problem. As for the b-party and shower: you have no obligation to contribute or attend those, but if you wanted to the bride isn't the one to ask since she shouldn't be involved in them.

The bride responded 4 days later, in a rather snarky and honestly surprising way. Telling me to "do what I needed to do" and that she mentioned the hotel prices the day she asked us to be in the wedding, surprised that I did not remember the details. I honestly dont remember her saying this, but the hotel is either $200 or $175, but I could also stay at her house, which is a couple of miles away from the hotel, for free. I think it's pretty awesome of her to offer you a free place to stay. I wouldn't want anyone at my house the day before or night of my wedding.

The tone of the email was hurtful and honestly made me angry that she was not more understanding that spending over $1000 a couple months after I move across country was worrying me a little. Honestly, put yourself in the bride's shoes. You accepted being a BM, then stepped down for a work conflict, then came back and said you want to be in it again, then emailed her saying wait, maybe I can't b/c this is expensive. I'd be pretty exacerbated with you. Especially if you made the comment about not having time to save when you've had 10 months. I'm not going to pretend that $200 isn't a lot for a dress, but all other expenses (airfare and lodging) shouldn't have been any sort of surprise. Perhaps you should have thought about that before you even mentioned being in the wedding again.

To add onto this, the bride forgot my birthday in 2012... and guess what AGAIN this year. She texted me the day after, saying sorry and to give HER a call so we could catch up. Ummm, is it wrong to expect her to do the calling after forgetting to say happy birthday? She wished you a happy birthday and apologized for being a day late, then indicated in a non-obtrusive way that she would like to catch up with you. You're really mad at her?

Also, the bride has not involved me in the wedding process at all. I offered to go shopping with her for dresses, just to give me a heads up so I could plan to take a day off since we live 6 hours apart. I got a text from her 3 days before she was going to look at bridesmaid dresses asking me to join, which I could not do because I already had plans that took me out of town that weekend. This was the only effort the bride made to involve me. she probably didn't plan the shopping trip much more in advance than that. And she doesn't need to make an effort to involve you - if you want to be involved you're supposed to tell HER that. We tell brides all the time to not bombard their friends with WR stuff, she probably didn't want to bug you when you've clearly got a lot going on in your own life.

I am starting to really feel that I am just a filler, and that the bride and I are not really friends and will not continue a friendship after the wedding. I am really conflicted by these feelings. On one hand I want to be a good friend and be there and fulfill my commitment, however I fear I will hold a lot of resentment if I spend $1000 on a person who makes me feel as if we are not even friends.
I am considering backing out of the wedding. Tell me your honest thoughts. Am I horrible? Am I justified? What would you do? Personally I don't think the bride has done anything wrong here. I'm not saying you've done anything wrong, either, but I don't really understand why you're mad at her.

If you don't consider her a close friend anymore, fine. Step down (again); don't go to the wedding, stop being friends with the girl who *gasp* wished you a happy birthday a day late. If you want to stay friends but legit can't afford it, apologize profusely for your wishy-washy-ness, step down, attend the wedding if you can but send a nice card if you can't, and continue to try and stay in touch with her (it takes an effort on your part too, you know).

Thank you so much for reading this, I know its long.

Kate61487 · June 2013

Man all that and then I see the post that the OP's already not in the wedding. shucks.

aurianna · June 2013

My dad forgot and didn't call me until four days after my birthday this year. And only my closest friends ever call, text or go out with me for my birthday rather than just posting "happy birthday" on Facebook.
So if she actually picked up her phone and took time to type something specifically to you, because she actually thought about you and your birthday (vs just seeing it on your FB timeline), then I don't think that's a sin.

You say you don't want to post more details because you don't want her to see it and be embarrassed. Does that mean you still care about her enough to not want to embarrass her? Knowing absolutely nothing about this other than what you posted I just say "drop the drama." Call her up. Chat. Catch up. Ask her about her wedding planning. Say you're sorry things didn't work out with the dress but you're still glad to talk to her. Be honest that you don't know yet if you can swing going to the wedding as a guest now or not, but either way you'll be thinking of her.
Or at least that's what I'd do if I wanted to salvage the relationship.

HELP - Should I Back Out of Being a Bridesmaid?

Re: HELP - Should I Back Out of Being a Bridesmaid?

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