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Wedding Etiquette Forum
Stepmother Attire
My step mother is threatening not to attend my wedding because she cannot find a dress within my constraints. These are my constraints:
1. Bridesmaids are in plum, so no plum.
2. My mother is in a dark teal and FH mother is in Navy, so avoid those
3. I don't think key females in our wedding should be in black, for a july wedding
She has bought or borrowed a pewter, and ice blue and a coral dress, but says none of them are right.
I know they all fit her or need minor alterations and I have put her in contact with a seamstress that is very cheap.
I know she really wants to wear this black dress that is almost 15 years old (she bought it to wear to a nephews wedding) It is a basic black tank dress, very plain and she wore it to my sisters wedding 6 years ago.
She has been a MOB and MOG before. She has been asking me since we got engaged what color everyone is wearing. Am I wrong for giving these guidelines that she has asked for?
She is also mad that I want my Dad AND Mom to walk me down the aisle.
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Re: Stepmother Attire
Black dresses work at any formal event no matter what time of year. This is a perfectly valid choice and if she has a black dress she wants to wear, you can't tell her not to wear it.
You can't tell her not to wear plum just because the bridal party is. It's highly unlikely anyone is going to mistake your step mother for a bridesmaid.
You definitely can't tell her not to wear teal or navy just because the other mothers are. What kind of message is that? "The other mothers are more important than you, so obviously they get to pick their color first and obviously you can't wear those colors because someone might mistake you for one of the mothers" (even though she IS one of the mothers) ? The MOG and MOB don't get to monopolize an entire color wheel! You wouldn't tell one of your other guests they weren't allowed to wear teal or navy would you? Yet you'll tell your stepmother who I assume is an honored guest?
Your stepmother is an adult, and I assume an honored guest at your wedding. Please do not insult her by telling her what she may and may not wear, and to go so far as not letting her have certain colors as they may be reserved for "more important" people. That's really hurtful.
Next time she asks your opinion, this is what you say:
"Well, MOB is wearing this style of dress in this color.
MOG is wearing this style of dress in this color.
The bridesmaids are wearing this style of dress.
And I know friend/relatives ABC are dressing in XYZ.
*insert any REQUIRED dress code the ceremony site or venue might have*
But really I just want you to dress in what makes you feel comfortable and beautiful!"
ETA:
And I think you really should go to her and say something along the lines of "I've been thinking about it and you do look lovely in that black dress. I want you to wear whatever color you like best. I'm sorry for having been so restrictive before."
But then, only say that if that was actually your concern.... which I'm thinking it wasn't.
Just tell her the black dress is fine and move on.
Well if she decided not to wear teal/navy/plum because she didn't want to, then that's on her (though I find it odd).
In general, you need to get over the black dress stigma. Black is a very traditional color for formal, evening events. Anyone who decides a mother disapproves of the union solely because she's wearing a black dress to a formal event, really needs to get a reality check. That's on them and not you or your stepmother.
You can't dictate a grown woman's wardrobe because of a totally outdated and inaccurate idea. That just isn't fair.
Now as far as the specific black dress itself... You may think it's unflattering, but for whatever reason she seems to feel good when she wears it.
So you should tell her she may wear whatever she wants. If she's asked you your opinion you can of course say "Well I personally love the way the coral dress looks on you, but it's totally your decision."
But in the end if she decides on the black dress you have to just let her wear it.
Websites/blogs where our wedding has been featured:
http://www.dapperq.com/2013/11/a-very-dapper-wedding/
http://www.onabicyclebuiltfortwo.com/2013/10/wedding-christina-g.html
http://4realequalityweddings.com/2014/05/16/g-christina/
Just let her wear whatever she wants. Seriously.
I went to a wedding where the WP was in plum, and the MOB also had a plum dress that matched color, and was in a completely different style. It looked beautiful. I've been to weddings where the parents completely clashed with other people in the WP. It wasn't weird at all, and their photos are great, because everyone is happy.
My FMIL was asking me about what to wear, and I told her to wear whatever color/style she wanted. She eventually found a green and white oriental dress (which is really cool because she's from Vietnam), that's 60% white. She was worried that it was too much white, and she asked me if she could wear that. You know what I told her? Yes! I don't know if she ended up ordering that one or not (it was beautiful, so I hope so), but the bottom line is that I wanted her to be happy and comfortable.
I highly doubt people will even notice what she is wearing, unless it's a bridal gown, or a sequined figure skating costume with a hot pink feather boa.
My FMIL is wearing a white dress to my wedding... it is from a bridal store and many there said it is a common second wedding dress. As peeved as I am... I have not said a word to her or anyone else about it.
She is an adult. She can wear whatever she wants. I am not going to risk setting the tone of our future relationship as a negative one by attempting to dictate what she wears. If anything, she is the one that will look like a fool for her choice- but it will be her choice alone.
Please listen to all of the great advice above!
Just let her wear what she wants to wear. None of her wardrobe choices will reflect badly on you (or reflect well for that matter, because you're not wearing it). Black is fine. Heck, I usually wear black to wedding. And guys often do too, you know, in their black suits.
I'd be pissed about that, but I wouldn't say anything. It's just going to make her look foolish.
Like others have said, apologize for setting restrictions on her ("Stepmother, I went a little overboard in regard to what you wear to the wedding - sorry about that, I got caught up in the moment. If you like the black dress, by all means wear it. You'll look fabulous!") and move along.
I don't think people should wear black to a July wedding. It's not a funeral.
I really have to figure out how to properly respond to quotes on The Knot.
Well then every single one for my BMS is not approriate according to your theory. They are all in black dresses.
Let her where what she wants. If its a "basic black tank dress" then I am failing to see how it would look old unless its torn and tattered. It sounds pretty timeless to me. Let her wear it if it makes her feel comfortable. She can always add a pop of color with shoes or a shawl.
And to the second bolded part. Yes you are wrong. You can give your opinion on what she wears if she asks but you cannot give her guidlines. She is not a child and she is not a BM.
Think about this for a second... your mom fussed. You made your mother upset. You made your mother feel upset about what she's wearing to an event as important as her daughter's wedding. You've put the concept of "not clashing with the sand" (which is incredibly ridiculous btw), over your mother's feelings. And you're sitting here bragging about it like it's something you should be entitled to.
No. She is not a piece of scenery or a prop; she is your mother. She is an honored guest and an adult who can not only dress herself, but should also have the right to feel comfortable and beautiful in what she's wearing if she's going to do YOU the honor of processing down the aisle for your ceremony.
You said it yourself. Your mother was upset.
OP has said that her Stepmother is considering dropping out of the wedding.
You girls have clearly upset your mothers over something as stupid as clothing and you still have the audacity to act like they are in the wrong.
Apologize to your mother and tell her she may wear whatever she wants.
I don't care how many times she asks me because I just kept responding the same way:" wear whatever you want." That's it. Just keep repeating that. She bought a dress and wanted to show me and I told her how great she's going to look, and even if she had bought a purple dress (color of bm dresses) I would have said the same thing.
Also I'm wearing a black dress to my rehearsal dinner. Just sayin'.