Question: How long together, how long engaged?

mstallae · June 2013

Dating 2 years 1 month (moved in together at 7 months though)
will be engaged for 17 months when we get married

tammym1001 · June 2013

Dating: 9 years

Engaged: 1 1/2 years by the wedding date

We also didn't move in together until we had been dating for 6 years even though we only lived 10 minutes away from each other. We move slow though. There wasn't really any reason for this except we had both been burned pretty bad before so we were cautious.

I think it all depends on the people though. I think you get in a place in your relationship where you just know they're the one and that's a different time frame for everyone.

jemmini6 · June 2013

Dating to engagement: 1 year 10 months

Engagement to marriage: 1 year 2 months

Married so far: 1 year 7 months

As a general rule of thumb, I think it's wise to date for a full year before getting engaged, but that's definitely not a requirement. Also, I think it depends a lot on the age you are when you start dating. For example, if you start dating in HS, then you probably need several years before you get to the point where you should be thinking about marriage. However, if you are in your 30's, you're more capable of making that decision sooner.

Of course, there are always exceptions. My aunt got married at 17 after dating my uncle for 8 months, and they've been married for 38 years. My friend got married after dating for 9 years and their marriage lasted less than 6 months. So there's really no guarantees with anything...

icecreamS04 · June 2013

Dating: 4 years
Engaged: 14 months

FutureMrsN3312 · June 2013

Started Dating: 2.2.11
Engaged: 3.3.12
Wedding: 5.17.14

When you know...you know...

Kate61487 · June 2013

jemmini6 said:

As a general rule of thumb, I think it's wise to date for a full year before getting engaged, but that's definitely not a requirement. Also, I think it depends a lot on the age you are when you start dating. For example, if you start dating in HS, then you probably need several years before you get to the point where you should be thinking about marriage. However, if you are in your 30's, you're more capable of making that decision sooner.

ditto the above.

Met to dating: 1 year 7 months (we were friends first)
dating to engaged: 3 years 5 months (in college for 2.5 yrs of that)
engaged to married: 11 months
married so far: 1 year 11 months

My brother was with his ex for 6 yrs when they got married; they'd been through school, buying a house, and a deployment to Iraq together. less than 6 months after the wedding she was cheating on him; there's no magic formula.

hordol · June 2013

We were together for 6.5 months when we got engaged, and our engagement was/is 8.5 months. Looks really quick when on paper, but we have had no friends or family question our decision because we work so well together. We have lived together almost 11 months.

runpipparun · June 2013

We dated about 3 weeks before I started staying at his place all the time. A month after that I moved an hour away, and he drove up in the middle of the week to see me, even if it meant an hour commute for work in the morning. He brought up marriage at 3 months. But we got engaged at 6 months. 1 year and 2 month engagement. Same thing about my family. They never side-eyed, because we're good together. My dad said he knew the first time he met my FI that it was right. ? I dunno.

aphrodite0869 · June 2013

It does totally depend on the couple and how much time and dedication they are willing to spend on a marriage especially if they have a quick engagement and marriage after dating for a while.

My fiancee and I were together for 2 years and 9 months before we got engaged and it was a total shock because we have never talked about it and he had made comments about never getting married.

We are going to be engaged for a 1 and 9 months before we get married but it's due to us paying for our wedding ourselves and attempting to get through school. I have started planning early and I think it'll be less stressful because I will be in grad school once we get married.

My FI brother and his wife were together 10 years and were never engaged they just got married. Whatever feels right for the couple is what is right.

BangBangs39 · June 2013

Dated: 6 Years

Engaged : Just over 6 Mos (wedding is 7/20/13)

There is no time formula... the only thing I truly think is important is living together prior to marriage. There is a lot to learn about someone when you see them in all aspects of life... you could discover some quirks that you just can't live with!

manjermj · June 2013

Dated: 4 years 4 months

Engaged: 6 months

Married: just about 5 months now

aurianna · June 2013

Dating (in the same town): 2 years
Dating (long distance): 5 years
Engaged (long distance): 13 months
Married (long distance): 8 months
Married (in same town): 22 months.

JuniperTea330 · June 2013

Dated for 14 months.

Engagement will be 10 months before wedding.

Definitely depends on the couple and their maturity level. When you meet the right one, there isn't a doubt in your mind.

:-)

mercimarie · June 2013

I'm late to the game but I like to share!

Dating: 4 1/2 years (will be 5 in December)

Engaged: 1 1/2 years (engaged on Christmas during our 3rd annual Christmas party.)

Kate61487 · June 2013

Meghan1428 said:

Dated: 6 Years
Engaged : Just over 6 Mos (wedding is 7/20/13)
There is no time formula... the only thing I truly think is important is living together prior to marriage. There is a lot to learn about someone when you see them in all aspects of life... you could discover some quirks that you just can't live with!

Ehh I think you should spend enough time together to figure that out, but living together doesn't work for everyone whether it be for religious/moral reasons or logistics (and no judgment here; H and I lived together the whole time we were engaged). Even still; it's not a given.

One of our friends got married after dating long distance for 2 years. Their honeymoon was the first time EVER that they would spend more than 48hours together (they'd never even vacationed together or anything), so we were all waiting for the train wreck. They've been married for 2 years now and seem very happy.

emeejeeayen · June 2013

We had been together a little over 4 years when we got engaged, and we will have been engaged for almost a year and a half by the time we get married for a total of 5.5 years.

aurianna · June 2013

Kate61487 said:

Meghan1428 said:

Dated: 6 Years
Engaged : Just over 6 Mos (wedding is 7/20/13)
There is no time formula... the only thing I truly think is important is living together prior to marriage. There is a lot to learn about someone when you see them in all aspects of life... you could discover some quirks that you just can't live with!

Ehh I think you should spend enough time together to figure that out, but living together doesn't work for everyone whether it be for religious/moral reasons or logistics (and no judgment here; H and I lived together the whole time we were engaged). Even still; it's not a given.
One of our friends got married after dating long distance for 2 years. Their honeymoon was the first time EVER that they would spend more than 48hours together (they'd never even vacationed together or anything), so we were all waiting for the train wreck. They've been married for 2 years now and seem very happy.

This was the case for us. Our honeymoon was the first time we'd spent more than 4 days together in 5 years. And after we got home from our honeymoon, I sent him on a plane back to Iowa, where we continued to only see each other every other weekend for another 8 months.

"the only thing I truly think is important is living together prior to marriage" is a really ignorant thing to say. If one can't truly get to know their partner (and their habits and lifestyle, etc) without living in the same house as them, I feel like that's already a warning sign. Not to mention co-habitation goes against some people's faith.

And just some food for thought... what are divorce rates now vs 50 years ago? What are co-habitation rates now vs 50 years ago? I'm definitely not saying it's a direct cause/effect relationship, but I will say that plenty of people had very successful marriages before living together became the norm.

aurianna · June 2013

I need a new mouse. I was really careful this time.

J+A 2013 · June 2013

Dating a little under 3.5 years when we got engaged.

Will have a 2 year, 4 day engagement, so together almost 5.5 years when we get married (9/28/13). We had our wedding booked 1 month after getting engaged and this was one of very few dates they had left for 2013.

In July, we'll have been living together for 3 years after a mostly long distance relationship.

Personally, I think people should live together or at least vacation together before getting engaged, but it doesn't always work like that. The younger the couple is, though, the longer I think a couple should date before getting engaged - but most of my friends and family went away to college and lived the typical college lifestyle and had to grow up in their early 20s, rather than late teens. I'd probably think differently for people who, say, worked full time right out of high school and did college part time and were self sufficient much earlier on.

KDM323 · June 2013

Our story is a bit different....and our timeline is REALLY off for most people. But, it worked for us.

Dating: He asked me to marry him on our 3rd date. We almost flew to Vegas that night but decided against it. It was 6 months before I moved in (meaning: gave up my house and moved into his with ALL of my stuff)

We were together a little over 2 years when I got my ring and we became "officially engaged' to the outside world.

Our "official engagement" will be 9 months long....we will be together just shy of three years when we say "I do".

We were already planning, etc. before anyone in our families, etc. knew because he didn't want anyone knowing before I had a ring. My ring was over $20K, so it took a bit of time before it was on my hand. Our wedding will cost close to $30K...so we did a LOT of saving in the time between when I moved in and we went "public". We knew we were getting married it was just a matter of getting together the money to have the things that we wanted....BEFORE telling the world.

nsweare · June 2013

We were FWBs for 1 yr 5 months before we made it official. We got engaged 9 months later. We will be getting married after a 17 month engagement.

I agree with PP's that it's different for every couple. I think maturity plays a big role. I don't necessarily mean age, but actual emotional maturity.

BangBangs39 · June 2013

aurianna said:

Kate61487 said:

Meghan1428 said:

Dated: 6 Years
Engaged : Just over 6 Mos (wedding is 7/20/13)
There is no time formula... the only thing I truly think is important is living together prior to marriage. There is a lot to learn about someone when you see them in all aspects of life... you could discover some quirks that you just can't live with!

Ehh I think you should spend enough time together to figure that out, but living together doesn't work for everyone whether it be for religious/moral reasons or logistics (and no judgment here; H and I lived together the whole time we were engaged). Even still; it's not a given.
One of our friends got married after dating long distance for 2 years. Their honeymoon was the first time EVER that they would spend more than 48hours together (they'd never even vacationed together or anything), so we were all waiting for the train wreck. They've been married for 2 years now and seem very happy.

This was the case for us. Our honeymoon was the first time we'd spent more than 4 days together in 5 years. And after we got home from our honeymoon, I sent him on a plane back to Iowa, where we continued to only see each other every other weekend for another 8 months.

"the only thing I truly think is important is living together prior to marriage" is a really ignorant thing to say. If one can't truly get to know their partner (and their habits and lifestyle, etc) without living in the same house as them, I feel like that's already a warning sign. Not to mention co-habitation goes against some people's faith.

And just some food for thought... what are divorce rates now vs 50 years ago? What are co-habitation rates now vs 50 years ago? I'm definitely not saying it's a direct cause/effect relationship, but I will say that plenty of people had very successful marriages before living together became the norm.

I honestly don't believe you can truly know someone without seeing them in that persons true habitat... I understand that some people's religions don't allow it... however just because you live together does not necessarily mean you are intimate with each other. Its very different to see someone first thing in the morning before they can prepare themselves, and to have an argument and not be able to just go home because you are already home,, and many more things you discover about someone and yourself. For example, you can be aware that someone is very messy and disorganized and tell yourself your OK with it... however do you really know if you are until you can't escape it? You can know a person very well prior to living together, but there is so much more to learn. I understand that it is not a cut and dry situation... you can not ever live together prior to marriage and stay together until death parts you... but my personal opinion is that it is a good thing to live together before hand. I have a couple friends who only spent time with their SO very occasionally prior to engagement or marriage, and now are stuck between breaking it off/divorce or sticking it out... they were separated from their SO for various reasons (college, work, military, etc.) and their SO don't necessarily see a problem... but after spending so much time with the person now, they don't want to hurt their SO but don't necessarily want to be with them either. Its sad to watch which is why I give the co-habitation advice.

In regards to the 50 years ago comment... I believe a lot of what rising divorce rates has to do with is a change in overall opinions. Many years ago, divorce was frowned upon in a big way... today it has become almost a norm... in addition I think because people frowned upon divorce more back then, people tried much harder to make it work and to work through the tough times. Today I see so many divorces happen because neither partner wants to put in the effort to make it work... my own parents were divorced for that reason, my mother wanted to try and my father probably should have never committed in the first place.

Tami87 · June 2013

Dated: 3.5 years
Engaged: 1.5 years
Married so far: 11 months

Never lived together.

While sure living with someone can be an adjustment there was nothing I didn't know about my husband that I found out after getting married regarding living habits. We had been on a few vacations together but always with family or friends.

I also think it depends on the couple and especially on the age of the couple and life experience. We started dating at age 20 and wanted to wait until we were done with undergrad and a little more established before getting engaged and married. I feel like we went through a lot of life transitions together between 20 and 25.

Tami87 · June 2013

Sorry double post.

jemmini6 · June 2013

Argh!! I hate the new edit button...

keochan · June 2013

We'd been together for 6 years and 4 months when he proposed

We've been engaged for 6 months, in total we've been together for 7 years as of next month

Wedding is October of next year so by the time we get married we'll have been together for over 8 years. Part of that is because we started dating young, I was 16 and him 18 and we've waited until we had finished school and we were really beginning our lives.

itzMS · June 2013

I'm also late to the party, but figured I'd chime in since I'm clearly an outlier...

Dating prior to engagement for 9 months (officially living together since 6 months)

Engaged for 10 months

Married now for 10 months

Will have offspring #1 in 6 months.

Guess I move fast...

LakeR2014 · June 2013

itzMS said:

I'm also late to the party, but figured I'd chime in since I'm clearly an outlier...

Dating prior to engagement for 9 months (officially living together since 6 months)

Engaged for 10 months

Married now for 10 months

Will have offspring #1 in 6 months.

Guess I move fast...

As others have noted, it's definitely on a relationship by relationship basis. Congrats on the baby!