Question: How long together, how long engaged?

lovesclimbing · June 2013

Dated: 7 months

Engaged: 7 months

It really depends on the couple. I have known people who got engaged after less than two months of dating and married less than six months later who have been married very happily for 25 or 30 years. On the flip side, I have known people who have had long dating periods and engagements and have gotten divorced. It all depends on the maturity of the couple, how well they've gotten to know each other and work through stuff in the time period they were together and how hard they're willing to work.

CLoGreenEyes · June 2013

Meghan1428 said:

Dated: 6 Years
Engaged : Just over 6 Mos (wedding is 7/20/13)
There is no time formula... the only thing I truly think is important is living together prior to marriage. There is a lot to learn about someone when you see them in all aspects of life... you could discover some quirks that you just can't live with!

Ehhhhh. I don't necessarily agree with this. There are definitely things you need to know about your SO before committing to them for life, but I wouldn't say that you necessarily need to live together to figure them out. This is another one of those things that is dependent on the couple - some want to experience a day in the life, others get the information they need from shuttling back and forth to each other's homes for a while. Neither way is inherently right or wrong.

As for the question, I am NEY, but we've been dating for five years, and will most likely be engaged in another year. Again, this timeframe is (obviously ^^^^^^^^^^) totally dependent on the couple. We would have been "ready" emotionally about two years in, but BF didn't graduate and start working full-time until four years in. Based on our finances and long-term goals, it makes the most sense for us to wait until I finished school to get engaged/married, so that's what we're doing. There are different kinds of readiness, and we haven't checked them all off yet; however, we do know that the two of us are ready once our circumstances are too.

CLoGreenEyes · June 2013

Meghan1428 said:

aurianna said:

Kate61487 said:

Meghan1428 said:

Dated: 6 Years
Engaged : Just over 6 Mos (wedding is 7/20/13)
There is no time formula... the only thing I truly think is important is living together prior to marriage. There is a lot to learn about someone when you see them in all aspects of life... you could discover some quirks that you just can't live with!

Ehh I think you should spend enough time together to figure that out, but living together doesn't work for everyone whether it be for religious/moral reasons or logistics (and no judgment here; H and I lived together the whole time we were engaged). Even still; it's not a given.
One of our friends got married after dating long distance for 2 years. Their honeymoon was the first time EVER that they would spend more than 48hours together (they'd never even vacationed together or anything), so we were all waiting for the train wreck. They've been married for 2 years now and seem very happy.

This was the case for us. Our honeymoon was the first time we'd spent more than 4 days together in 5 years. And after we got home from our honeymoon, I sent him on a plane back to Iowa, where we continued to only see each other every other weekend for another 8 months.

"the only thing I truly think is important is living together prior to marriage" is a really ignorant thing to say. If one can't truly get to know their partner (and their habits and lifestyle, etc) without living in the same house as them, I feel like that's already a warning sign. Not to mention co-habitation goes against some people's faith.

And just some food for thought... what are divorce rates now vs 50 years ago? What are co-habitation rates now vs 50 years ago? I'm definitely not saying it's a direct cause/effect relationship, but I will say that plenty of people had very successful marriages before living together became the norm.

I honestly don't believe you can truly know someone without seeing them in that persons true habitat... I understand that some people's religions don't allow it... however just because you live together does not necessarily mean you are intimate with each other. Its very different to see someone first thing in the morning before they can prepare themselves, and to have an argument and not be able to just go home because you are already home,, and many more things you discover about someone and yourself. For example, you can be aware that someone is very messy and disorganized and tell yourself your OK with it... however do you really know if you are until you can't escape it? You can know a person very well prior to living together, but there is so much more to learn. I understand that it is not a cut and dry situation... you can not ever live together prior to marriage and stay together until death parts you... but my personal opinion is that it is a good thing to live together before hand. I have a couple friends who only spent time with their SO very occasionally prior to engagement or marriage, and now are stuck between breaking it off/divorce or sticking it out... they were separated from their SO for various reasons (college, work, military, etc.) and their SO don't necessarily see a problem... but after spending so much time with the person now, they don't want to hurt their SO but don't necessarily want to be with them either. Its sad to watch which is why I give the co-habitation advice.
In regards to the 50 years ago comment... I believe a lot of what rising divorce rates has to do with is a change in overall opinions. Many years ago, divorce was frowned upon in a big way... today it has become almost a norm... in addition I think because people frowned upon divorce more back then, people tried much harder to make it work and to work through the tough times. Today I see so many divorces happen because neither partner wants to put in the effort to make it work... my own parents were divorced for that reason, my mother wanted to try and my father probably should have never committed in the first place.

I can hear you on the argument thing; that is pretty uncomfortable the first time. However, we all have to learn how to deal with this at some point, whether you're "living in sin" or married - just because something makes you uncomfortable doesn't mean your relationship is doomed.

Same with the messiness situation; part of committing to one another is agreeing to cast off certain pet peeves so the other person can co-exist with you somewhat peacefully. If you get a truly anal person living with a complete slob, they can either work to find a happy medium and learn to accommodate each other without giving up their own comfort zones, or they can be miserable and not work to reach a solution. That, to me, doesn't have as much to do with learning about each other and evaluating the fit as just being realistic that not everything will be perfect and working with it. There is always something that will be less than ideal.

Don't get me wrong, I think living together is certainly a valid way to "test" your relationship, and it can be extremely convenient and helpful to a couple too. My SO and I just didn't think of it the same way, and I do feel like we have enough information to go on for a lifelong commitment. It's a just a matter of comfort with what you've witnessed and not so much how you witnessed it.

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speedyblazer11 · June 2013

Me and FI started dating in Dec 2003 and didn't get engaged until Aug 2009. We moved into together in Apr 2010 and we are getting married in Mar 2014. So on the day we get married we will have been together over 10 years.

I should add that when we started dating we were in high school. So we put off gettting married until we were established with good jobs and already living together. It has been a hard road for us and I personally believe that there is no timeline for dating, engaged, married. It depends on the couple and what they want out of their relationship.

libby2483 · June 2013

Dating: 2 years

Engaged: 1 year

Married: 10 months

Our dating, engagement, and marriage anniversaries all fall within 10 days of each other in August, so I told H we are going to have to do something awesome this year to celebrate all three!

Belle2188 · June 2013

I'm late to the party, but I always think these threads are interesting!

We were together about 3 years and 8 months when we got engaged, and we will be engaged for either 1 year and 4 months or 1 year and 11 months depending on who gets their way when we set the date officially.

devinsberries · June 2013

He proposed on our fifth anniversary.

Our engagement is 22 months.

lifeonthehill · June 2013

On the wedding day...

Dating 3 1/2 years

Engaged 11 months

I am only 21 so a lot of people think it is too fast/too young. Oh well

pesematology · June 2013

He proposed on our first anniversary and our engagement will last about two years all told.

niki&rob · June 2013

we had been together 5 years before engagement. He moved in with me after 2 months, at the 1 year mark we found out we were pregnant, 4 months after the first boy was born we found out we were pregnant again with another boy! today it is exactly 13 months away from our wedding date. Can't wait to marry the perfect man and perfect father!

erinlin25 · June 2013

We were together for 2 1/2 years before we got engaged-- our engagement was 10 months exactly.

It definitely varies couple to couple. We had a quick whirlwind romance to start (I moved in with him about 3 months into dating)-- and while I could picture marrying him, I'm glad we did not rush into it. We joke that we have been married for 3 years because really nothing has changed, but we definitely have grown as individuals and a couple so our timing was perfect for us.

LakeR2014 · June 2013

erinlin25 said:

We were together for 2 1/2 years before we got engaged-- our engagement was 10 months exactly.

It definitely varies couple to couple. We had a quick whirlwind romance to start (I moved in with him about 3 months into dating)-- and while I could picture marrying him, I'm glad we did not rush into it. We joke that we have been married for 3 years because really nothing has changed, but we definitely have grown as individuals and a couple so our timing was perfect for us.

Right there - that says it all, thank you!

cmalork · June 2013

Dated = 2 years
Engaged = 6 months

L O V E · June 2013

Dating- 6 years

Engagement Time- 1 1/2 years

Our long timeline has a lot to do with the fact that we started dating in our Junior year of High School and agreed not to get married until we both had our undergraduate degrees. We have also been living together for over four years now and bought a condo together last year. The wedding feels long overdue since we set up this requirement for ourselves back then. Our wedding is now set for four months after he graduates! We really can't wait and are excited to be finally planning all of the wedding details together!

Ven&Radio · June 2013

Dated: 3.5ish years
Engaged: 21 months (a little over 3 months to go!)

I agree that every couple is unique and what's right for one couple isn't necessarily right for another. For me personally, I would not feel comfortable getting engaged to/marrying someone I hadn't lived with and known for at least a year.

teacherjodee · June 2013

Together: 9 months
Engaged: 4 months

We have both been married before to people we had been with for years. I was with my ex for three years and engaged for 9 months. It seems since we had history, we knew exactly what we were looking for. Since we had been in similar situations, we seem to have this strong bond and neither of us wants to go through the horrors of divorce again.

HaylaC · June 2013

Dated 2y 4m

Engaged 8y 4m

Married 18 months

Anastasia517 · June 2013

We dated for 4 years (+ almost 8 months) and will be engaged a little under 17 months. We're getting married a bit after our 6th anniversary. We were very young when we started dating.

VadersValkyrie · June 2013

We had been dating for four years and a little over two months when we got engaged. Our engagement will be a little over ten months when we get married this December. I am almost six years older than my FH, so I was a little more antsy to get engaged than he was, but once he asked me, we went full-speed ahead.

I don't think there's any rhyme or reason to relationship timelines. My parents were together for just around two years when they got married; my grandmother actually turned my grandfather down the first time he proposed, and they've been together for sixty-two years. If people are supposed to be together, the timing is just right.

But I'm a little bit of a romantic.

kipnus · June 2013

We dated for seven months (met each other three months before that), then were engaged for eleven months. We didn't live together before getting married, but we spent plenty of time together at each other's places. There definitely weren't any surprises after the wedding.

LizM61409 · June 2013

Started dating in 6/2009. Wedding will be in 7/2014, due to my work issues and us not being able to live together until then (we've been fine living 2 hours apart but don't want to be married and STILL living 2 hours apart). So that's 5 years between starting to date and getting married... the funny part is that last year before he proposed (ended up being 8/2012) I was getting antsy because I thought it was ridiculous to be 28 years old and have a boyfriend of 3 years, meanwhile he wanted to push it back because he thought it was ridiculous to be engaged for 2 years.

To each their own. Depends on LOTS of things!

rel1988 · June 2013

Dating:15 months

Engaged: Will be exactly 9 months to the day.

I agree with OP. It really depends on the couple. I was in a relationship for 7 years and never felt what I felt with FI in 4 months. When you know, you know.

vineheart137 · June 2013

Dating: 2 years and 3 months
Engaged: 12 months exactly

I don't see how anyone could dictate a set amount of time before a person gets engaged, gets married, etc. There are far too many variables between relationships. Our timeline was perfect for us, being college/grad students. But it wouldn't work for everyone.

Inkdancer · June 2013

My FI and I have been together for 6 1/2 years, and engaged for just over a year. By the time we get married, we will have been engaged for over 2 years, and together for close to 8 years.

...Wow, I feel way too young to be saying that.

thatarnoldgirl · June 2013

Dating; 6 months Engaged; 6 months The wedding is in 6 weeks. When you know you know.

Pookieson · June 2013

Dating: 1 year

Engaged: 3 years

Married: Little over 2 weeks

There isn't a set number. Your friends are weird.

SES2014Bride · June 2013

Dating a little over 3.5 years

Engaged for 13 months.

It depends on the couple. I was just talking about this with my MOH too. It is most def. on the couple when the right time is right. I think it can have something to do with age and experience too. 2 people I know from high school got married at 18 and 19 and are both divorced now 4 years later. My cousin knew her DH for 6 months and they are happily married 12 years later.

kathrynrf · June 2013

Dated: 4 years

When we get married next March we would have been engaged for 18 months.

We took things very slow at first. I was 19 and he was 24 when we first started dating. We always talked about marriage but we waited until I was sure exactly what I was going to do with my life. For a while I had planned on joining the Peace Corps after college, so a 2 year commitment in another country would have really put a damper on an engagement/getting married.

Our engagement has been long too, but it is really because we wanted a Spring wedding and everything was already booked for this past spring when we started planning and looking for venues, so we pushed it off till next spring.

Question: How long together, how long engaged?

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