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Help! Big rift between MOB and MOG expectations

InkdancerInkdancer member
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Hi all, I am pretty new around here, but I could really use some help.

My FI and I are just getting to begin planning our wedding, even though we've been engaged for over a year. We were waiting for him to finish school/ find a job so that we would be financially stable. Stable, though, doesn't mean big bucks-- we have a very small wedding budget.

So far, the most stressful thing about planning has been the issue of alcohol at the wedding. My mother and father have told me that they would be offended by alcohol at the reception, and would leave as quickly as possible if it were there. However, FI's mother and father have said that they expect a bar, especially since they are giving us $10000 towards the wedding.

If we do serve alcohol, we alienate my parents. If we don't serve alcohol, we alienate his parents. What do I do?
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Re: Help! Big rift between MOB and MOG expectations

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    NYCMercedesNYCMercedes member
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    Inkdancer said:
    Hi all, I am pretty new around here, but I could really use some help.

    My FI and I are just getting to begin planning our wedding, even though we've been engaged for over a year. We were waiting for him to finish school/ find a job so that we would be financially stable. Stable, though, doesn't mean big bucks-- we have a very small wedding budget.

    So far, the most stressful thing about planning has been the issue of alcohol at the wedding. My mother and father have told me that they would be offended by alcohol at the reception, and would leave as quickly as possible if it were there. However, FI's mother and father have said that they expect a bar, especially since they are giving us $10000 towards the wedding.

    If we do serve alcohol, we alienate my parents. If we don't serve alcohol, we alienate his parents. What do I do?

    What do you and your FI want? Alcohol or not?
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    auriannaaurianna member
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    Are your parents also contributing 10k?
    If your ILs are giving you money and expect a bar, you probably need to host a bar or not take their money.
    Now if both sets are contributing, it gets trickier... any chance you can talk with either set and explain how the other feels (or they could talk to each other?)
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    InkdancerInkdancer member
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    My parents are contributing in a different way - they are selling us their old house at $30,000 less than its value. It's a complicated situation.
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    InkdancerInkdancer member
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    Oh, also for the record: FI and I drink very rarely. We do not care either way, as it is very unlikely that we'd drink anything more than champagne for the toasts and then lots of water.
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    Simply FatedSimply Fated member
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    Is there concern that if you serve alcohol they'll take back the $30 k deal?

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    MsYeckMsYeck member
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    If you rarely drink and it offends your parents decline his parents contribution and pay for your own wedding.
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    InkdancerInkdancer member
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    alisonmarie658 said:
    Do your parents and his parents realize that they are at odds with one another?
    Yes, they know. And both sides are being rather stubborn about what they want.


    Simply Fated said:
    Is there concern that if you serve alcohol they'll take back the $30 k deal?
    No worry about that. I am worried that they will decline to attend the wedding or reception, which would break my heart.
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    phiraphira member
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    I wouldn't know what to do in this situation. I'm tempted to suggest that you and your fiance bring up the problem with each set of parents. Like:

    "[Your parents], we have a huge dilemma right now. [Fiance's parents] have told us that they expect an open bar at our wedding reception, but you have indicated that you will leave the reception if there's any alcohol. Obviously, these two needs are incompatible, and we're at a loss as to how to handle this." And then flip this around for your future in-laws.

    If necessary, you could also add that because you and your fiance are receiving generous contributions from each set of parents, you don't feel as if you can simply ignore one set of parents' wishes.

    This is definitely a stressful and awful situation, since your parents have made it clear that if you don't have a dry wedding, they won't come. I can understand having a dry wedding if the couple are recovering/recovered alcoholics, or if a significant number of guests are recovering/recovered alcoholics OR under 21. But even my in-laws, who don't drink any alcohol, would expect alcohol to be served at weddings, and I think they would actually be upset if we had a dry wedding to avoid offending them!
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    OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom member
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    Is there any way you can limit the bar to just beer and wine only?  Would this also offend your parents? 

    Also, do your parents not drink for religious reasons?  I feel people who don't drink for religious reasons are more likely to be offended by it being in their presence, although this isn't always the case.

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    erinlin25erinlin25 member
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    Your parents are being very childish.  Its fine if they do not drink, but to pout and say we are leaving if there is alcohol is ridiculous.  I would just call their bluff and say sorry you feel that way, you will be missed.  They are the ones that will look bad, not you.

    Majority of my husbands family does not drink, but some do-- Husband and I do, so does my family.  My parents paid for the wedding and there was a bar--a full open bar.  It was not the center of attention and I could not even tell you who drank and who did not.  There also was a great variety of non-alcoholic drinks available so its not like the bar was pushed down their throats.  The venue staff was aware of the amount of non-drinkers so was sure to offer cider and other non alcoholic drinks and kept the non drinking guests just as comfortable as the ones drinking alcohol.  Husbands family had a blast and no one cared that others were drinking--nor did they probably who was drinking what. 

    I know its a hard subject, and I know we got off easier in the situation--when my husbands brother got married 5 years ago, their mom through a small fit about there being a bar-- but BIL and his wife said mom, we understand you do not like to drink, but we do and so do the majority of our guests so there will be a bar.  She got over it, their wedding was beautiful and no one was offended because others were drinking-- 

    You need to stand up to your parents, and if they hold the house money over your head, then it is what it is.  You can either choose to have the wedding you want or you can choose to let your parents control you forever.

    ps... my MIL paid for the bar at our rehearsal dinner.  My FI and I discussed hosting it ourselves when she offered to host the rehearsal dinner-- we were shocked when his mom said do not worry about it, I will cover it.   Sometimes they just come around, especially when they see there is nothing to be offended about
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    BangBangs39BangBangs39
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    NYUgirl100 said:
    If I were  MOB reading these comments, I might be changing my mind on the house offer. 

    If she takes back the offer then she is even more childish than the PP have stated she is... for a mother to refuse her daughters wedding due to Alcohol is beyond asinine... its sad really.  I think you need to sit down and in a very calm and sophisticated manner discuss with your parents the fact that the ultimatum they have given you is not only saddening but childish... I feel for you, I too had an ultimatum during my initial planning for my wedding... my mother is attending but my brother who was supposed to be my escort is not because he does not get along with the best man... you'll get through it!
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    phiraphira member
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    Honestly, I think the problem here ISN'T who is being childish or unreasonable, but how to approach the problem. "We are helping to pay and we expect an open bar" is not compatible with "We are giving you a massive discount on your home and expect no alcohol at all."

    I think we should be giving Inkdancer advice on how to handle the situation. As much as I agree that her parents are being unreasonable (because geez, NO one is allowed to drink or you'll LEAVE your own daughter's wedding? What?!), the big problem here is that there aren't any clear possible compromises, and there's a lot more riding on pleasing people than just not offending people.
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    southernbelle0915southernbelle0915 mod
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    NYUgirl100 said:
    If I were  MOB reading these comments, I might be changing my mind on the house offer. 
    NYUgirl100 said:
    Some people do not want alcohol at events.  I hardly think that is childish, just not my choice.  What seems strange to me is the notion that grooms parents give $10,000 to wedding, get say, bride's parents give, in effect $30,000 to house, get no say.  Maybe bride's parents need to restructure their gift so you do not make fun of them.
    #1  Reneging on an offer to help her daughter buy their house based on comments from internet strangers about alcohol at a wedding reception is spiteful, ridiculous and childish.
    #2  No one is saying it's childish to not want alcohol at events (PPs suggested a dry wedding) - they're saying your reasoning for taking away the house help because of strangers' comments on an online forum is childish. Also, I cannot decide if you're serious in your struggle to understand why Ink's parents giving her a $30K discount on their house =/= a say in whether or not alcohol is served at the reception. They're unrelated. 
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    Chipmunk415Chipmunk415 member
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    This is one reason why I'm doing a luncheon wedding- FI's family drinks beer, occasionally wine, no liquor. My (very Irish) family is wine and liquor. I'm thinking some domestic beer, some light wines, and a champagne toast. I think Dad may be unhappy about a lack of bourbon and ginger ales or cognac, but I just look at him and say "liquor at a luncheon starting at 12:30? Really?" That tends to put it in perspective.

    OP, I agree with prior posters- your parents need to accept the fact that just because they don't drink does not mean the rest of the world doesn't like to get their Irish on. You are not forcing the alcohol down their throats, and if they back out of the housing deal, it will reflect poorly on them to whomever they have told of this.  Your FI's parents have given you money- that money comes with strings. Either accept the strings or refuse the money. It sounds harsh, I know, but it is a cardinal rule on these boards, "He who pays gets a say"

     

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    phiraphira member
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    @NYUgirl100 "Less alcohol" still = "alcohol" which seems to be the problem for the bride's parents.

    @Liatris2010 I do agree with you. I think that the bride's parents are being beyond absurd. I also think that the decision here is going have to be, "Which are we happier losing--$10k for the wedding, or this house?" and then talk to whichever set of parents (that is, if they'd rather risk the $10k, they should tell the groom's parents, "We have decided to have a dry wedding. We hope this is okay with you, but if it's not, we understand if you would rather not help with the wedding financially").
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    winelover123winelover123 member
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    Honestly, I wouldn't want the house if my parents threatened to take the $30k discount back. I don't like being held, as my family would say, "financially hostage." At that point, I'd prefer to find another, cheaper house or rent longer and get rid of the extras in my budget to save for a house.

     I'm sorry OP, but I think that if you take your FIL's money that goes specifically towards the reception and a bar, you do have to have a bar. Can they compromise and have just beer and wine? Can you see if that would be a good compromise with your parents' too? I know some people who think when you drink liquor you're trying to get trashed and when you drink wine you're savoring your beverage.
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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    scribe95 said:
    This occured with my brother and sister-in-law going on 15 years ago. They started to plan a big wedding and her parents - very religious - wanted no alcohol. My parents - who enjoy some drinks on occasion - don't think it's a wedding without alcohol. In the end my brother and his wife decided it wasn't worth the fight. They invited only parents, siblings and one friend each to the church and got married. No big reception. I was 16 and don't even remember if there was a dinner, to be honest.
    I just never understand this with Judeo-Christian religions. . . Jesus turned water into wine, sheesh!

    I believe the OP stated that her parents threatened to leave the reception as quickly as possible if alcohol was served, not boycott the entire wedding, ceremony and all. 

    If I read correctly, I would try and talk with them, but if they refuse to be rational adults, meh so be it.  FI's parents are giving money toward the wedding reception, so they get a say.  The gift of the OP's parents' of 30K off of the cost of a house is irrelevant with regards to her wedding.

    As long as the OP's parents attend the ceremony, I wouldn't really care if they decided to leave the reception early in a huff because of a little EtOH.  They were present for the most important aspect of the day.

    I bet $100 they stay for the duration of dinner, then leave. . .

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


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    PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost member
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    southernbelle0915 said:
    NYUgirl100 said:
    If I were  MOB reading these comments, I might be changing my mind on the house offer. 
    NYUgirl100 said:
    Some people do not want alcohol at events.  I hardly think that is childish, just not my choice.  What seems strange to me is the notion that grooms parents give $10,000 to wedding, get say, bride's parents give, in effect $30,000 to house, get no say.  Maybe bride's parents need to restructure their gift so you do not make fun of them.
    #1  Reneging on an offer to help her daughter buy their house based on comments from internet strangers about alcohol at a wedding reception is spiteful, ridiculous and childish.
    #2  No one is saying it's childish to not want alcohol at events (PPs suggested a dry wedding) - they're saying your reasoning for taking away the house help because of strangers' comments on an online forum is childish. Also, I cannot decide if you're serious in your struggle to understand why Ink's parents giving her a $30K discount on their house =/= a say in whether or not alcohol is served at the reception. They're unrelated. 
    Reneging because of the presence of alcohol at a wedding reception is ridiculous on it's face, and manipulative and emotional blackmail.  And  would suspect this is a common MO for OP's parents.

    I'm sorry if it is, OP.

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    cmmurphy89cmmurphy89
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    We have a similar problem.  My family is Irish Catholics, and his mother has a deeply personal objection to alcohol.  There was another wedding in my family 15 years ago that was a dry wedding and I had family members who hosted a tailgate party in the parking lot and most of the family left the reception. 

    I didn't want this to happen again, nor did I want to upset my FMIL, I especially thought that if it happened again it would be more offensive then it's actual presence that the reception.

    We let FMIL as early as possible that it would be there but we would not be partaking out of respect for her. My parents who are hosting the wedding, chose to keep it to beer and wine in efforts to try and keep it minimal. The cocktail hour also has a very nice bar area right outside the ballroom, so I chose to keep the bar out there instead of having a set up in the room. I felt this wasn't going to really inconvenience the guest but help hide its presence a little bit. Plus, it left more room, and there would be no unsightly bar lines in the room.  
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    Kristin789Kristin789 member
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    Rehearsal Dinner:  Etiquette/Tradition says that the groom's family hosts this.  So the groom's mother can do taste tests at several restaurants, work on the contract details (including alcohol/noalcohol, food choices, napkin colors, etc), sign the contract, create or buy invitations and mail them, and host the event that night.  The bride's parents should not be sticking their fingers and their preferences into this event.  In your case, I'd suggest that the groom's family money goes to host this event only.

    Wedding:  Etiquette/Tradition says that the bride's family hosts this.  So the bride's mother works on all the details, goes to taste tests with the couple to the venue and to the cake shop, etc., signs the contracts, works with the bride on getting/addressing/mailing invitations, etc., and host the event that day or night.  The groom's parents should not be sticking their fingers and their preferences into this event.  In your case, I'd suggest that your family contribution pay for this event only.

    The problem has arisen because when the groom's family was going to make a contribution to the WEDDING with a condition that the WEDDING HOSTS would not approve, no one said immediately, "Oh, no.  The groom's family hosts the RD and your contribution will pay for that.  The wedding is being hosted by the bride's parents."

    If your parents were hosting a dinner party at their house and they invited your FI's parents, would you think it would be OK for FI's parents to say they were going to bring a CHERRY PIE because they would prefer that to the CAKE that your parents had planned to serve?  Of course not. Would you think it would be OK if FI's parents told your parents that they would be bringing a cooler of beer and wine to put in the corner of your parents' kitchen in case anyone else wanted to drink?  Of couse not. 

    It's a huge red flag that your FI didn't immediately step up and shut this down before YOU and YOUR PARENTS even got WIND of this.  Your FI needs to deal with his parents NOW or they will be trying to BUY YOU and TWIST YOU the rest of your life.

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    NOLAbridealmostNOLAbridealmost member
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    NYUgirl100 said:

    Winelover, why is it OK for MOG to demand her way, but not MOB?

     

    So, MOG can spend 10,000 and demand her way.  But MOB gives 30G for a house but has to stfu.  I don't think so.


    I get what you're trying to say. Obviously 30,000 is a generous gift in general. The problem is, it's so lacking in connexity to the wedding reception that you can't think of that gift the same way you think of a 10,000 gift to be put directly towards the wedding. Think about it, if one set of parents has given thousands of dollars worth of Christmas gifts over the years, that doesn't mean they get a say in the wedding. It's generous, but it's separate from the wedding.
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    NYCBruinNYCBruin member
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    Kristin789 said:

    Rehearsal Dinner:  Etiquette/Tradition says that the groom's family hosts this.  So the groom's mother can do taste tests at several restaurants, work on the contract details (including alcohol/noalcohol, food choices, napkin colors, etc), sign the contract, create or buy invitations and mail them, and host the event that night.  The bride's parents should not be sticking their fingers and their preferences into this event.  In your case, I'd suggest that the groom's family money goes to host this event only.

    Wedding:  Etiquette/Tradition says that the bride's family hosts this.  So the bride's mother works on all the details, goes to taste tests with the couple to the venue and to the cake shop, etc., signs the contracts, works with the bride on getting/addressing/mailing invitations, etc., and host the event that day or night.  The groom's parents should not be sticking their fingers and their preferences into this event.  In your case, I'd suggest that your family contribution pay for this event only.

    The problem has arisen because when the groom's family was going to make a contribution to the WEDDING with a condition that the WEDDING HOSTS would not approve, no one said immediately, "Oh, no.  The groom's family hosts the RD and your contribution will pay for that.  The wedding is being hosted by the bride's parents."

    If your parents were hosting a dinner party at their house and they invited your FI's parents, would you think it would be OK for FI's parents to say they were going to bring a CHERRY PIE because they would prefer that to the CAKE that your parents had planned to serve?  Of course not. Would you think it would be OK if FI's parents told your parents that they would be bringing a cooler of beer and wine to put in the corner of your parents' kitchen in case anyone else wanted to drink?  Of couse not. 

    It's a huge red flag that your FI didn't immediately step up and shut this down before YOU and YOUR PARENTS even got WIND of this.  Your FI needs to deal with his parents NOW or they will be trying to BUY YOU and TWIST YOU the rest of your life.

    I don't even know where to start with this there is so much wrong.  Most couples today pay for and host their own weddings/rehearsal dinners.  No one is responsible for paying/hosting other than the couple.

    Etiquette and tradition are not the same thing.  Nothing in etiquette suggests or requires that anyone's parents are responsible for hosting any wedding events.  

    In the OP's case, her parents gave her a generous gift by offering to sell their home at a large discount.  This has nothing to do with hosting.

    Her FI's parents gave them $10K to spend ON THE WEDDING.  Since they are contributing to the wedding, this means they get a say.


    Don't worry guys, I have the Wedding Police AND the Whambulance on speed dial!
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    kmmssgkmmssg mod
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    Kristin - just where again, did she say her parents were hosting her wedding?  
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    phiraphira member
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    Kate61487 said:
    Kristin789 said:

    Rehearsal Dinner:  Etiquette/Tradition says that the groom's family hosts this.  So the groom's mother can do taste tests at several restaurants, work on the contract details (including alcohol/noalcohol, food choices, napkin colors, etc), sign the contract, create or buy invitations and mail them, and host the event that night.  The bride's parents should not be sticking their fingers and their preferences into this event.  In your case, I'd suggest that the groom's family money goes to host this event only.

    Wedding:  Etiquette/Tradition says that the bride's family hosts this.  So the bride's mother works on all the details, goes to taste tests with the couple to the venue and to the cake shop, etc., signs the contracts, works with the bride on getting/addressing/mailing invitations, etc., and host the event that day or night.  The groom's parents should not be sticking their fingers and their preferences into this event.  In your case, I'd suggest that your family contribution pay for this event only.

    The problem has arisen because when the groom's family was going to make a contribution to the WEDDING with a condition that the WEDDING HOSTS would not approve, no one said immediately, "Oh, no.  The groom's family hosts the RD and your contribution will pay for that.  The wedding is being hosted by the bride's parents."

    If your parents were hosting a dinner party at their house and they invited your FI's parents, would you think it would be OK for FI's parents to say they were going to bring a CHERRY PIE because they would prefer that to the CAKE that your parents had planned to serve?  Of course not. Would you think it would be OK if FI's parents told your parents that they would be bringing a cooler of beer and wine to put in the corner of your parents' kitchen in case anyone else wanted to drink?  Of couse not. 

    It's a huge red flag that your FI didn't immediately step up and shut this down before YOU and YOUR PARENTS even got WIND of this.  Your FI needs to deal with his parents NOW or they will be trying to BUY YOU and TWIST YOU the rest of your life.

    As always, thank you for the 1950 perspective, Kristin
    Quoting for emphasis. Tradition =/= etiquette.
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