Help! Big rift between MOB and MOG expectations

cmcole4509 · June 2013

I'm sorry you are being put between a rock and a hard place. Do both sets of parents know each other and get along fairly well under normal circumstances? If so, I would suggest having the six of you sit down together and each explain your side of things. Let the bride's parents explain why they want the bar, how important is it to them, what else could the money be used for, etc. Then let the groom's parents explain why they do not like alcohol, would it REALLY be bad enough to make them leave and if so why do they feel that strongly, is there any way they would consent to a limited selection of alcohol, etc. I think the best way to deal with this would be to have both sides explaining to the other side their point of view, and then trying to work on a compromise. Perhaps both sets of parents do not realize how much this is stressing you out, and if you and FI could explain your views on both sides it may help everyone come to an agreeable decision?

I hope this all works out for you.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

cmcole4509 said: I'm sorry you are being put between a rock and a hard place. Do both sets of parents know each other and get along fairly well under normal circumstances? If so, I would suggest having the six of you sit down together and each explain your side of things. Let the bride's parents explain why they want the bar, how important is it to them, what else could the money be used for, etc. Then let the groom's parents explain why they do not like alcohol, would it REALLY be bad enough to make them leave and if so why do they feel that strongly, is there any way they would consent to a limited selection of alcohol, etc. I think the best way to deal with this would be to have both sides explaining to the other side their point of view, and then trying to work on a compromise. Perhaps both sets of parents do not realize how much this is stressing you out, and if you and FI could explain your views on both sides it may help everyone come to an agreeable decision?
I hope this all works out for you.

I do not agree with this approach. The bride's parents (the ones who don't want alcohol, FTR) don't get a seat at the table in this decision - that's the whole point. They are not contributing to the wedding and they do not get a say in whether or not there is a bar. There is no compromise to be had here because the bride's parents stated they will not attend if there is alcohol. Period. Could they change their minds if it was a limited bar? Maybe. But that's for OP to work with them on - not the groom's family.

On a side note, I think sitting down with the in laws prior to a marriage to discuss something both sides feel opposite and strongly about and there is money involved is a BAD idea.

Chipmunk415 · June 2013

Kristin789 said:Well, I guess that's the way it's done in New York. Maybe all of New England. Maybe all on the West Coast too, I don't know.

But I do know about The South where I live, and this is not common here. Some couples do as you've suggested, but those would be over-35 couples with children from previous marriages, which is not the case for most Knotties and probably not the case for the OP.

I guess Florida, esp. Tallahassee (which is basically an extension of South Georgia), is no longer part of the South. My folks (both Yankees, thank you very much) have offered to pay, but have yet to discuss budget. FI (who grew up in GA) and I are moving forward with a budget of what we can afford and are paying ourselves. First marriage for us both, and while FI is 32, I'm 26 and no kids for either of us.

Thank you so much, Kristin, for showing me how etiquette backwards our wedding will be. I'll make sure to save a glass of sweet tea for you when you swoon at my photos next March, knowing that we didn't follow your definition of "Etiquette in the South."

winelover123 · June 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

cmcole4509 said:

I'm sorry you are being put between a rock and a hard place. Do both sets of parents know each other and get along fairly well under normal circumstances? If so, I would suggest having the six of you sit down together and each explain your side of things. Let the bride's parents explain why they want the bar, how important is it to them, what else could the money be used for, etc. Then let the groom's parents explain why they do not like alcohol, would it REALLY be bad enough to make them leave and if so why do they feel that strongly, is there any way they would consent to a limited selection of alcohol, etc. I think the best way to deal with this would be to have both sides explaining to the other side their point of view, and then trying to work on a compromise. Perhaps both sets of parents do not realize how much this is stressing you out, and if you and FI could explain your views on both sides it may help everyone come to an agreeable decision?

I hope this all works out for you.

I do not agree with this approach. The bride's parents (the ones who don't want alcohol, FTR) don't get a seat at the table in this decision - that's the whole point. They are not contributing to the wedding and they do not get a say in whether or not there is a bar. There is no compromise to be had here because the bride's parents stated they will not attend if there is alcohol. Period. Could they change their minds if it was a limited bar? Maybe. But that's for OP to work with them on - not the groom's family.

On a side note, I think sitting down with the in laws prior to a marriage to discuss something both sides feel opposite and strongly about and there is money involved is a BAD idea.

I agree with southernbelle. It's the POG's money and the POB have no right to tell them how to spend their money. They may not even be comfortable with talking about their financial contributions.

ETA: Stupid quoting didn't work. My response is the last paragraph.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

cmcole4509 said:

I'm sorry you are being put between a rock and a hard place. Do both sets of parents know each other and get along fairly well under normal circumstances? If so, I would suggest having the six of you sit down together and each explain your side of things. Let the bride's parents explain why they want the bar, how important is it to them, what else could the money be used for, etc. Then let the groom's parents explain why they do not like alcohol, would it REALLY be bad enough to make them leave and if so why do they feel that strongly, is there any way they would consent to a limited selection of alcohol, etc. I think the best way to deal with this would be to have both sides explaining to the other side their point of view, and then trying to work on a compromise. Perhaps both sets of parents do not realize how much this is stressing you out, and if you and FI could explain your views on both sides it may help everyone come to an agreeable decision?

I hope this all works out for you.

I do not agree with this approach. The bride's parents (the ones who don't want alcohol, FTR) don't get a seat at the table in this decision - that's the whole point. They are not contributing to the wedding and they do not get a say in whether or not there is a bar. There is no compromise to be had here because the bride's parents stated they will not attend if there is alcohol. Period. Could they change their minds if it was a limited bar? Maybe. But that's for OP to work with them on - not the groom's family.

On a side note, I think sitting down with the in laws prior to a marriage to discuss something both sides feel opposite and strongly about and there is money involved is a BAD idea.

Me neither. It's empowering bad behavior by allowing it to have a voice. And it is unnecessarily involving other parties (FI, FI's parents) in the OP's dysfunctional family dynamic. This bag of rocks is between the OP and her parents.

I'm not trying to be flippant here, I can only imagine how difficult this situation is for you, Inkdancer, but I strongly feel that you need to start setting boundaries with your parents, staring with this issue they are creating.

TKzilla · June 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

Lia -- so it's OK that the grooms parents call the shots?

Yes, and they get to provide them, too.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

CourtaniaLynn said:

NYUgirl100 said:

Lia -- so it's OK that the grooms parents call the shots?

Yes, and they get to provide them, too.

How can I give this more than one love it?

annathy03 · June 2013

CourtaniaLynn said:

NYUgirl100 said:

Lia -- so it's OK that the grooms parents call the shots?

Yes, and they get to provide them, too.

This = pure awesome.

TKzilla · June 2013

Liatris2010 said:

CourtaniaLynn said:

NYUgirl100 said:

Lia -- so it's OK that the grooms parents call the shots?

Yes, and they get to provide them, too.

I nearly choked on my lunch, and there is no one here to give me the Heimlich.

I am not liable for any injuries suffered by Knotties, nor any lost lunches.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

TKzilla · June 2013

Hey KGs, how about them anonymous flags? (sarcasm)

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

TKzilla · June 2013

Harry87 said:

NYUgirl100 said:

Lia -- so it's OK that the grooms parents call the shots?

Yes, and they get to provide them, too.

oh God I have such a lady boner for you right now.

Cool it, Harry. I'm married now GOSH!

phira · June 2013

Just wanted to add in--

If you give someone a gift, and then you lord it over them in order to control their behavior, you are being abusive. My father used to do this to me all the time, and still does it to my siblings. If the bride's parents are saying, "We're going to sell you our house at a $30k discount," that's very sweet of them, but if they DID threaten to take it away (which, from what the OP said, it doesn't sound like they are), that's manipulative and inappropriate.

And in general ... threatening to leave your wedding if anyone else drinks alcohol is like ... a 9.5 on the Manipulative Jerk scale.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

TKzilla · June 2013

NYUgirl100 said:

Somehow, it appears that OP is more appreciative than you, Court.

THERE IS ONLY ONE COURT! WE MUST FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

CourtaniaLynn said:

NYUgirl100 said:

Somehow, it appears that OP is more appreciative than you, Court.

THERE IS ONLY ONE COURT! WE MUST FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

32daisies · June 2013

There's this:

twotimemob · June 2013

This is definitely manipulation on MOB's part. She's threatening that she will leave if alcohol is served, and knows that you will cave in to her demands, because you probably have before.

This is YOUR and FI's wedding, not hers. If MOB was getting married, she could do whatever she wants. MOB already had her wedding, this one is yours, however you see fit.

Reminds me of several years ago, when my husband and I bought our second home, we put our foot (feet?) down and said that our parents would no longer be allowed to smoke in our home. My mom said then she would no longer come to visit us. We said, oh well, sorry you won't visit us anymore. Guess what, we stuck to our guns and Mom does visit quite often, and now smokes outside.

Help! Big rift between MOB and MOG expectations

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