Private ceremony and then symbolic ceremony with family/friends

Bel831 · June 2013

TXKristan said:

Here's what you do. Have ONE wedding. Don't insult your family and friends by inviting them to a pretend wedding. Have it in Virginia. Go to a store and buy a Sharoie. Take your Virginia marriage license and write the word "west" before the word "Virginia".

haha! Or just doctor one copy on the computer later. I'd so do this.

itzMS · June 2013

@Bel831, Out of curiousity, would he not marry you unless you two are legally married in West Virginia? I'm just beginning to think his sentimentality is a bit of a farce.

Bel831 · June 2013

itzMS said:

@Bel831, Out of curiousity, would he not marry you unless you two are legally married in West Virginia? I'm just beginning to think his sentimentality is a bit of a farce.

No, its not an ultimatum-just a request.

vineheart137 · June 2013

bunni727 said:

Oh, I have an idea. Your FI likes tangible things, rather than photos, right?

How about this: do a "sand ceremony" at the wedding, but with dirt. His jar can be from WV, and yours can be from wherever you are from. He can't "keep" the wedding, but he could keep a jar of dirt.

ETA: hell, they could both be from WV, if he'd like that.

This is pretty creative! I would so do this!

lisabeats · June 2013

shaylovessly said:

bunni727 said:

Oh, I have an idea. Your FI likes tangible things, rather than photos, right?

How about this: do a "sand ceremony" at the wedding, but with dirt. His jar can be from WV, and yours can be from wherever you are from. He can't "keep" the wedding, but he could keep a jar of dirt.

ETA: hell, they could both be from WV, if he'd like that.

This is pretty creative! I would so do this!

I saw something like this. The couple used dirt from both of their hometowns to plant a tree, which they then took with them and planted in the yard of their new home. It was slightly over the top, but kind of cute too.

Peledreamsofrain · June 2013

Post removed due to GBCK

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

@Bel831 - your FI sounds like a very sweet, sentimental guy and it's really sweet that he wants to have something as special as your marriage license to be from the state where he grew up. However, you only get one wedding ceremony and if it's ok with you to have it be a 5 minute ceremony at JOP without all your friends and family there, that's all you get for the rest of your life.

Personally, if I traveled, bought a gift, dressed up, went to - and probably cried at - what I thought was a wedding ceremony and then got to the reception and the couple said "btw, we've been married since yesterday - but thanks for coming!" I would be upset and feel really taken advantage of...

If your FI wants something to tie him to WV, take him on a trip there, take your honeymoon there and get him something while you're there to have as a keepsake. But I think this plan will hurt a lot of your friends and family and make you feel very foolish pretending to take these sacred vows in front of them.

cwaggoner07 · June 2013

We had friends who were painfully shy and did not want to be the center of attention. They also have friends from around the world, so this is the weekend they planned, and everyone was in the know about everything:

-Friday at B&B winery #1, very intimate ceremony, 10 people, legally married this day. They consider this their anniversary.

-Saturday at B&B winery #1, hosted a BBQ from 3pm into the wee hours of the night. Most of the people that came were around our age (20's-30's), but everyone was invited.

-Sunday at B&B winery #2 (bigger, more formal venue), hosted a reception, and she rewore her wedding dress. There was no ceremony, and nothing that really made them the center of attention except for the toasts and spotlight dance, but even those were really short. It was a seated dinner, then everyone danced all night.

It was a perfect weekend, and people that had to come in from all over got to spend 2 days with the bride and groom. Everyone knew that they were married on the Friday, and the rest of the weekend was just celebratory. As a guest, I loved it, and I totally respected their need to have a private ceremony.

QueerFemme · June 2013

The dirt/tree planting thing is a good idea. Have some favors that say "West Virginia" on them. Give out WV magnets or something. Skip the fake re-do. It was a request. Now, it's your turn to deny that request, or skip the fake ceremony the next day. there is no proper way to do what he is asking you to do, unless you just skip the fake wedding the next day, and just have the party.

If he is a WV "good ol boy" (I hate that phrase, it makes people sound like hicks), then he will always be one, regardless of what is on his marriage license. And you will likely NEVER look at that license again. Except to maybe do name change documents. Once that is done, chances are, you'll never see it again. If he wants WV as part of the wedding so badly, do something more significant and visible.

MuppetFan · June 2013

OP -

I think the rationale behind this is illogical and childish.

FIs memories and existence in WV ties him to the state. If he wants more than that, why not spend your honeymoon or wedding night in WV? Or take an anniversary trip there? What about making a donation to a local organization in celebration of your wedding? Bring some dirt or a plant with you when you move? Stay living in WV?

If you go through with marriage before the planned wedding day, skip the charade of a fake wedding and just invite people to the reception.

But seriously, can you not handle telling him no?

Bel831 · June 2013

I like the ideas about tying in WV by having something symbolic at our ceremony (in VA) and possibly at the reception as well, favors and what not. Our original ceremony plan is all about symbolism and our spiritual beliefs, so there is certainly room for more symbolic representations of who we are and where we come from.

My FI is very intelligent, but a very stubborn, typical male. I was born into a military family and have done a lot of moving and a lot of traveling, so I am a lot more 'go with the flow'. Which is why I was willing to do this for him, because it does not phase me. However, at the same time, I don't want anyone within our family to feel jilted on wedding day.

32daisies · June 2013

Bel831 said:

My FI is very intelligent, but a very stubborn, typical male.

At the risk getting into a different debate entirely, I have to be frank, @Bel831, that I find that sentence a little offensive. The phrase "a very stubborn, typical male" is, to me, unfair and sexist. My FI is intelligent, and he's male. That doesn't mean he's therefore given to arbitrary hangups and refuses to see reason. I think what I'm saying is: describe your FI that way if you want to, but please don't, even inadvertently, insult mine or men in general by stereotyping all men that way. Just my $0.02.

happyfor25 · June 2013

I wanted to jump in here to say that my husband was born and raised in OK and it sounds like your FI is a lot like my husband. I was born and raised in PA, we met in PA (he was stationed here) and we have lived here the entire time we've been together (married 25 years). He is over-the-top proud of his home state. 95% of his wardrobe says "Oklahoma" on it. He randomly breaks out into the OU fight song for no apparent reason. I sometimes find it a bit ridiculous BUT it isn't harming anyone so let him have at it and admittedly, its sometimes quite endearing.

I think what your husband is requesting crosses the line between endearing and just kind of ridiculous. If my husband had insisted that we fly to OK to give birth to our children so that they would have birth certificates from that state (actually, if he had thought of it, he probably would have tried), I would have absolutely refused his request. He would have gotten over it and I think your FI will too. Just have you planned ceremony and reception in VA. PPs have given you some good suggestions to bring WV into the mix.

Bel831 · June 2013

32daisies said:

Bel831 said:

My FI is very intelligent, but a very stubborn, typical male.

At the risk getting into a different debate entirely, I have to be frank, @Bel831, that I find that sentence a little offensive. The phrase "a very stubborn, typical male" is, to me, unfair and sexist. My FI is intelligent, and he's male. That doesn't mean he's therefore given to arbitrary hangups and refuses to see reason. I think what I'm saying is: describe your FI that way if you want to, but please don't, even inadvertently, insult mine or men in general by stereotyping all men that way. Just my $0.02.

I am open to opinions and discussions-hence why I posted for input in the first place, but I don't feel I should have to walk on tip-toes just to make a post and have everything corrected.

Omit the word typical if that will make everyone feel better. I didn't think I had to censor everything or that it would all be taken so literally. Geez. (Personally, most men I know are stubborn-actually, most humans I have the privilege to know are stubborn...)

misshart00 · June 2013

happyfor25 said:
I wanted to jump in here to say that my husband was born and raised in OK and it sounds like your FI is a lot like my husband. I was born and raised in PA, we met in PA (he was stationed here) and we have lived here the entire time we've been together (married 25 years). He is over-the-top proud of his home state. 95% of his wardrobe says "Oklahoma" on it. He randomly breaks out into the OU fight song for no apparent reason. I sometimes find it a bit ridiculous BUT it isn't harming anyone so let him have at it and admittedly, its sometimes quite endearing.

I think what your husband is requesting crosses the line between endearing and just kind of ridiculous. If my husband had insisted that we fly to OK to give birth to our children so that they would have birth certificates from that state (actually, if he had thought of it, he probably would have tried), I would have absolutely refused his request. He would have gotten over it and I think your FI will too. Just have you planned ceremony and reception in VA. PPs have given you some good suggestions to bring WV into the mix.

Once you've lived in Oklahoma, it never really leaves you.

But I would also insist your husband to be crazy if he wanted to make sure his children were born here.

happyfor25 · June 2013

@Liatris2010, glad they make you happy! Lucky and Paco are awesome, though I'm sure I'm biased.

Bel831 · June 2013

happyfor25 said:

I wanted to jump in here to say that my husband was born and raised in OK and it sounds like your FI is a lot like my husband. I was born and raised in PA, we met in PA (he was stationed here) and we have lived here the entire time we've been together (married 25 years). He is over-the-top proud of his home state. 95% of his wardrobe says "Oklahoma" on it. He randomly breaks out into the OU fight song for no apparent reason. I sometimes find it a bit ridiculous BUT it isn't harming anyone so let him have at it and admittedly, its sometimes quite endearing.

I think what your husband is requesting crosses the line between endearing and just kind of ridiculous. If my husband had insisted that we fly to OK to give birth to our children so that they would have birth certificates from that state (actually, if he had thought of it, he probably would have tried), I would have absolutely refused his request. He would have gotten over it and I think your FI will too. Just have you planned ceremony and reception in VA. PPs have given you some good suggestions to bring WV into the mix.

Thanks, good to know I don't have the only state obsessed guy out there.

I'm from upstate NY, VA is just where I have lived for the past decade, and he happened to be living in VA short term when we met. With this wedding business we randomly happened to find a location somewhat near each of our parents & siblings. If I had known about the certificate and how much he wanted it from WV, I would have found something in WV all those many months ago. Hindsight is 20/20.

32daisies · June 2013

Bel831 said:

32daisies said:

Bel831 said:

My FI is very intelligent, but a very stubborn, typical male.

At the risk getting into a different debate entirely, I have to be frank, @Bel831, that I find that sentence a little offensive. The phrase "a very stubborn, typical male" is, to me, unfair and sexist. My FI is intelligent, and he's male. That doesn't mean he's therefore given to arbitrary hangups and refuses to see reason. I think what I'm saying is: describe your FI that way if you want to, but please don't, even inadvertently, insult mine or men in general by stereotyping all men that way. Just my $0.02.

I am open to opinions and discussions-hence why I posted for input in the first place, but I don't feel I should have to walk on tip-toes just to make a post and have everything corrected. Omit the word typical if that will make everyone feel better. I didn't think I had to censor everything or that it would all be taken so literally. Geez. (Personally, most men I know are stubborn-actually, most humans I have the privilege to know are stubborn...)

You don't have to walk on tip-toes. You can say and post whatever you like! And then anyone can respond and say what they think about what you post. Welcome to the Internet.

Simply Fated · June 2013

I understand where your fiance is coming from. I couldn't imagine getting married anywhere but New York. But this is why, when we plan for our wedding, we'll plan for it to be in NY.

You picked a place and started making arrangements... and he only now decided the location isn't right for him? Is that what happened? Is it too late to switch locations?

happyfor25 · June 2013

Bel831 said:

happyfor25 said:

I wanted to jump in here to say that my husband was born and raised in OK and it sounds like your FI is a lot like my husband. I was born and raised in PA, we met in PA (he was stationed here) and we have lived here the entire time we've been together (married 25 years). He is over-the-top proud of his home state. 95% of his wardrobe says "Oklahoma" on it. He randomly breaks out into the OU fight song for no apparent reason. I sometimes find it a bit ridiculous BUT it isn't harming anyone so let him have at it and admittedly, its sometimes quite endearing.

I think what your husband is requesting crosses the line between endearing and just kind of ridiculous. If my husband had insisted that we fly to OK to give birth to our children so that they would have birth certificates from that state (actually, if he had thought of it, he probably would have tried), I would have absolutely refused his request. He would have gotten over it and I think your FI will too. Just have you planned ceremony and reception in VA. PPs have given you some good suggestions to bring WV into the mix.

Thanks, good to know I don't have the only state obsessed guy out there. I'm from upstate NY, VA is just where I have lived for the past decade, and he happened to be living in VA short term when we met. With this wedding business we randomly happened to find a location somewhat near each of our parents & siblings. If I had known about the certificate and how much he wanted it from WV, I would have found something in WV all those many months ago. Hindsight is 20/20.

I really do understand. It can be really tough...my husband really just goes with flow on just about everything but then he decides something is super important to him and I hate to deny him. However, its usually something that I just can't get on board with. For example, he decided we had to name our son Hoss Ray. As much as I want him to be happy, there was no way I could give my son that name. I compromised by naming him Michael Andrew Hoss Lastname. Son actually thinks its kind of cool so it worked out.

I think the plan of JOP in WV is overly complicating a day that you have spent significant time planning. Trust me that you don't have to upset your plans for this. Best of luck!

Bel831 · June 2013

@simply fated- Yes we picked a place last year, we looked in both WV and VA to be near our immediate family members. We both loved the venue we chose in VA.

This dilemma came about because FI did not know about the marriage license requirements before last night. He just assumed since we live in WV, the license/certificate was for WV. When I informed him it would be VA since we were getting married in VA he now wants to do quick marriage in WV before our planned ceremony so we could say we were married in WV. It's less than three months to our wedding and unfortunately I can't afford to lose the deposit and find something else. If it was closer to the WV border, we could have had ceremony in WV and still have the reception in VA, but its just too far apart and too much of a hassle to make everyone travel to two locations when most don't even live here.

QueerFemme · June 2013

Bel831 said:

@simply fated- Yes we picked a place last year, we looked in both WV and VA to be near our immediate family members. We both loved the venue we chose in VA.

This dilemma came about because FI did not know about the marriage license requirements before last night. He just assumed since we live in WV, the license/certificate was for WV. When I informed him it would be VA since we were getting married in VA he now wants to do quick marriage in WV before our planned ceremony so we could say we were married in WV. It's less than three months to our wedding and unfortunately I can't afford to lose the deposit and find something else. If it was closer to the WV border, we could have had ceremony in WV and still have the reception in VA, but its just too far apart and too much of a hassle to make everyone travel to two locations when most don't even live here.

Well, time to say no, and explain why this isn't going to work. And offer alternate ideas so you can include WV.

Kate61487 · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

ETA: Okay, honestly I DO think it's a stupid reason to get married in WVA. Having a piece of paper stuck in the bottom of a fireproof box in the hall closet that says WVA is going to make him feel more "connected' to the state? Really?

Yup. Once all the name change stuff was taken care of the license went in a file and I haven't looked at it since. A marriage license (like a drivers license or passport or will or hunting license... the list goes on) are not sentimental items; they are legal documents. When I get sentimental about our wedding day I look at our wedding photos or my left hand.

That said I think the tree thing with dirt from your home states is really cute.

cbrown828 · June 2013

Playing "Country Roads" is a great way to include WV (not WVA, ugh) in your celebration. Don't over-complicate it. I'm from WV and I love this state, but if we were getting married elsewhere I wouldn't give this two thoughts. Hopefully some other way of including Almost Heaven will satisfy him. Hope it goes well!

aurianna · June 2013

I understand sentimental... but pose this to him:

Which is more important, meaningful and sentimental? Having the random document (that I've pretty much only used to get my name changed on my frequent flyer programs) say "West Virginia" or actually having all of your family and friends present when you legally and officially become man and wife?

If he'd honestly say the former... I just... I don't get it.

Because the ceremony is where you become man and wife. If you have a second ceremony... what does that say to your guests? "We'd rather have this piece of paper than let you view our official, legal wedding. You can't see our wedding because we're already married. So instead, for your viewing pleasure, we will let you sit here for half an hour and watch us commemorate the event that happened 5 hours ago in a judge's dark office. Enjoy!"

You really need to hit it home that having those you love with you when you get married (those same people that were with him while growing up in WV) is more important than one word on a random legal document.

Also, you mentioned asking some other people what they think instead. You can do that... but you're not going to get totally honest feedback. A lot of people don't like confrontation. A lot of people don't have the balls to tell someone they love that they are being rude to their face. Strangers can be honest. And I can honestly tell you that if someone in my family pulled this I'd be offended and really annoyed but would probably just smile and say "whatever you want, sweetie" if they asked me my opinion on it directly.

aurianna · June 2013

dp

jlm9113 · June 2013

Bel831 said:

@simply fated- Yes we picked a place last year, we looked in both WV and VA to be near our immediate family members. We both loved the venue we chose in VA.

This dilemma came about because FI did not know about the marriage license requirements before last night. He just assumed since we live in WV, the license/certificate was for WV. When I informed him it would be VA since we were getting married in VA he now wants to do quick marriage in WV before our planned ceremony so we could say we were married in WV. It's less than three months to our wedding and unfortunately I can't afford to lose the deposit and find something else. If it was closer to the WV border, we could have had ceremony in WV and still have the reception in VA, but its just too far apart and too much of a hassle to make everyone travel to two locations when most don't even live here.

I think the fact that he'd be perfectly happy getting married in VA if he could have a WV marriage license makes his request even more illogical and ridiculous. If he's SO sentimental about his home state, the logical request, from the beginning, would have been that you guys get married in WV.

But having the license from WV, even if you get married somewhere completely different, somehow makes a difference and "ties" him to WV?

That's beyond absurd.

MuppetFan · June 2013

I'm glad you like the idea of tying in WV to make it part of the day.

What's special to WV?

NOLAbridealmost · June 2013

OjitosVerdes said:

Ditto everyone. There isn't any chance he's already legally married in VA, is there? Because that is honestly the only thing I can think of that would make him so adamant about not getting married there.

I would seriously look into this if he is anything other than complacent about skipping the whole WVA-wedding-followed-by-fake-wedding thing.

KDM323 · June 2013

Something about this request is suspicious and makes me wonder if there is some reason he does not want to get married, legally, in VA.

Private ceremony and then symbolic ceremony with family/friends

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