NWR - Rude 30th bday party

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

One of our close friends decided to throw a surprise bday party for her fiancé. We got a formal invitation in the mail - the whole 9 yards. She picked a pretty expensive restaurant ($20 for mac and cheese?!) and blocked off a room. They told everyone to be there at 6:45 and they'd be showing up at 7:00.

So we arrived and ordered a drink while we waited. The bartender asked us to open a tab - weird, but whatever. Anyway, her friends had set out chex mix so we hung of and waited....and waited....and waited. At 7:45 we get the 5 minute warning - apparently her straightener wasnt working (wtf?). People were starving, all the chex mix was gone. Dinner was good. Then the server started asking who was on a tab together and who needed their own bill. What. The. Hell.

FI did not think this was a big deal. I tried explaining that you don't send out invitations to a party at a fancy restaurant, show up almost an hour late, and only offer chex mix. This couple recently got engaged and she is in the midst of planning the wedding. I'm all kinds of curious how its going to turn out...

mlg78 · June 2013

I think it'd be assumed that you're paying your own way... While there maybe should have been a bit more food, that only thing I really think she did wrong was show up so freaking late.

aurianna · June 2013

I'd really need to see the invite to judge.
Unless there was a private bar setup right in the room with you, I actually think the expectation that they'd be covering everyone's bar drinks is a little over the top.
Now... just chex mix and no apps or cake... ok... not a great party. But I also would never expect, in my circle of friends at least, anyone taking us to dinner for their spouse's party, letting us order anything off of the menu we wanted, and then paying for it for us. But if the invite was misleading, that is definitely unfortunate.

But, yeah. Being that late because her straightener didn't work? For f's sakes. Put your hair up in a pony tail and get to the party. That's definitely ridiculous.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Invite said dinner and drinks...

I'm laughing about the straightener thing today but I was not laughing yesterday...

NYCMercedes · June 2013

A formal invite where dinner and drinks are specified means to me that they are hosting. Guess the bride doesn't know that so you're sol!

loca4pook · June 2013

If you are INVITED as a "party", I would assume they were paying...but that is just me.

I also never go anywhere without cash, just in case

we had the opposite problem. We invited people to celebrate my mom's bday at a nice expensive restaurant. We planned on paying for everyone...We realized people didn't understand and were ordering skimpy meals because they didn't think they could afford normal meals. I felt awful about it..as we paid for the whole thing but they didn't realize that

zizibet · June 2013

I'm in the minority here-but yes, she was rude. If you invite, you pay. If she wanted to do it the way she did, she should not have sent out invitations for dinner and drinks-just an email or group text or something saying, something like For L's bday we're going to be at Restaurant X if you want to come. It's a surprise, don't say anything.,

mlg78 · June 2013

On the flip side... We just had this debate with my MOH who is hosting my bachelorette party. We are planning on dinner and cocktails. Obviously someone (assuming my WP) will cover my meals/drinks but everyone else is expected to be on their own. I posted about it on here and everyone said they'd assume they were paying their own way. How is this birthday party any different?

AddieCake · June 2013

It would never have occurred to me that I wouldn't be expected to pay for my own dinner and drinks in that situation.

emeejeeayen · June 2013

Yeah, I would always assume I'd be paying my own way.

banana468 · June 2013

I don't know. The mailed invitation throws me.

Something casual like email says "each party pays for what they consume" but a formal invitation says it's hosted. I probably would have called to clarify since a hosted event like that would be rare for my crowd.

AJuliaNJ · June 2013

Formal invitation + blocked room would have made me think it was hosted, too. However, like @banana468 said, that would be so rare for my crowd that I'd bring back-up money and not be overly offended if it wasn't. We usually pay for ourselves and split the birthday person's dinner on birthdays.

Being late is always rude especially for a petty reason like doing your hair. She wasn't even the guest of honor.

aurianna · June 2013

If the invites actually said dinner and drinks... then... yeah... that would be confusing.
So while I wouldn't expect someone in my crowd to pay for dinner and drinks for my husband and I... if I got an invite like that I'd definitely be surprised if they didn't at least supply plates of apps or something.
Definitely invitation fail on top of the hair straightener fail.

Lored · June 2013

If I am invited with a formal written invite to something, I'd never assume I would need to pay for anything. I would bring a nice gift and expect that everything is taken care of by the hosts. Just curious, did ppl bring gifts as well as having to pay their own way? That would make it even worse.

Sierra524 · June 2013

I also agree that with the invitation and the room block, I would expect that the host would pay for it, unless I was told other wise.

Im also curious if people brought gifts?

NOLAbridealmost · June 2013

If you send a formal written invitation to an event you should be hosting it. Or at the very least be clear about the fact that it's not hosted by indicating "Menu and pricing information is available at www.restaurant.com (or whatever)." I would have assumed it was hosted too in the OPs case.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Yes - everyone (including us) brought gifts and cards

NYCBruin · June 2013

Normally when I go out for a friend's birthday, it's assumed everyone pays their own way. However, if I get a formal invitation then I assume it's a hosted event. If it's a casual get together there's no need for a for a formal invitation.

Sending out a formal invite with no intention to properly host seems really gift grabby to me.

NOLAbridealmost · June 2013

For the record, my group does birthdays and special events at restaurants ALL the time on a pay-your-way basis, but that NEVER involves a formal invitation. If the host decides to take the party to that level, they have to be willing to put their money where their letterpress is.

Ajuliana · June 2013

Never received a formal invitation to a restaurant party that wound up being pay your own way. I have been verbally invited to restaurant parties and then pleasantly surprised when the inviter paid.

harper0813 · June 2013

@NOLAbridealmost - that is my new most favorite thing I've read on here: "they have to be willing to put their money where their letterpress is." Might have to add to my sig once I'm off mobile.

Kate61487 · June 2013

If I get an invitation in the mail I am absolutely expecting a hosted event. if you don't want to pay for everyone that is where "we're going here at 6, let us know if you want to join" comes into play.

Simply Fated · June 2013

I would have expected the host to have been paying, too, based on the formal invite, the private room, and mentioning food and drinks on the invitation.

The only birthday parties I've been to where I paid my way were ones with informal invites (phone calls, text, fb message etc) where the person said something like, "We're getting together for X's birthday at X. Would love it if you came!"

annathy03 · June 2013

NOLAbridealmost said:

For the record, my group does birthdays and special events at restaurants ALL the time on a pay-your-way basis, but that NEVER involves a formal invitation. If the host decides to take the party to that level, they have to be willing to put their money where their letterpress is.

How do I love this multiple times? I would be totally thrown by the formal invite without hosting, and it seems very gift grabby to me. If you invite me to something via email, text, FB, I'd assume it's a casual pay-your-own-way affair. If I get a formal invite via snail mail stating food and drinks in a private room, I'd assume it's a formal hosted event, and while I'd bring backup cash I would seriously side-eye needing it because I also would have brought a gift.

happyfor25 · June 2013

I had a similar invite a few years ago, though no formal invitations were sent. We were invited to a restaurant birthday party and asked to chip in for a big screen TV for our friend (his wife asked us for the money WTF?). I didn't mind paying for H and my dinner, however, it became a clusterfuck when the check (not separate checks) came and our friend's sister and her H and 3 kids didn't have enough money. Mind you, they ordered several appetizers, multiple fruity cocktails and expensive meals for all 5 of them. She may have thought it was hosted since the "host" requested one check.

Same couple...wife decided to throw her own 30th birthday party because she figured her H wouldn't get it right. She told me she was going to send out facebook invites advising people that it was BYOB and to please bring a dish. She then informs me that the dress code will be semi-formal (again WTF?) because she thought it would be oh-so-fun for everybody to dress up. I told her that I hate dressing up and would absolutely NOT get dressed up to come to her home for a party that essentially her guests were going to be hosting (I said it more gently but she got the point and changed her plans ultimately).

STARMOON44 · June 2013

In my circle I would absolutely expect this event to be hosted. We will also all go out for a birthday and split the check, but a formal invite would indicate a host.

s-aries8990 · June 2013

The mailed invitation makes me think it's a hosted event. If it were a FB/Evite or verbal invitation I'd think it was a pay your own way situation, especially if the restaurant's menu was linked.

OliveOilsMom · June 2013

I would be expecting the host to pay for this event as well, since there was a formal invitation that was mailed.

I saw this headline and freaked a little, I'm throwing H a surprise 30th birthday party in a few weeks! I too sent out formal invitations but the guests will be fully hosted and not charged a cover when they get to my door! I've been stocking up on beer, soda, and all the meats (my freezer is packed!) for the BBQ for the last month. No one will be leaving my house hungry, thirsty, or with a lighter wallet!

StephJean83 · June 2013

I'm planning a surprise 30th for my FH and will be sending invites but I am renting a condo in a local tourist town. I sent a fb message to a few of his friends to let them know the details(some will be flying out here for the weekend) and they could plan for it or let me know they can't come. Our roommate booked the condo with his timeshare points and I am paying him back and I was going to have snacks and drinks at the condo while everyone waits for us to get there.

In my crowd we usually do FB events and maybe sometimes an evite. If I got a formal invite I probably would expect them to pay but would bring cash to pay for FH and I. I would expect a slight delay with a surprise but not an hour, and I would be pissed if it was because the non guest of honor was taking their mother loving time.

Pepper6 · June 2013

In my circle, I don't think I've ever received a mailed invite for anything other than weddings or showers, so I'd be at a loss for what to expect from that invite. I suppose I'd expect at least hosted appetizers, but the thing that would really piss me off in that situation is the host showing up so late. That's ridiculous whether it was a hand delivered gold plated invite or a freaking text message.

TheBaysideBride · June 2013

I've recently been to a few invitation events at a restuarant, and all have been hosted. I've always had money wiht me, but generally if someone blocks off a room and sends invites, they've worked out a deal/pricing w/ the restuarant and they pick it up.

NWR - Rude 30th bday party

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