s/o Drink Etiquette Poll

happyfor25 · June 2013

@MairePoppy, that makes sense, it would make serving dinner much easier on the waitstaff. At this particular wedding, though, no beverages were served through dinner, at the table or the bar. It would have been nice if we had known before it closed so that we could grab a soda for dinner. It was even difficult to get a glass of water since the wait staff was busy serving food.

When we were planning our recent 25th anniversary party, we were given the option of 5 hours full open bar OR 4 hours full open bar and wine through dinner service. I wonder why anyone would choose option 2 when guests could still get wine at the bar to have with their dinner and the price was the same.

ifeelgoodifeelgreatifeelwonderful · June 2013

I am from Philly and have only attended weddings with open bars around here. I did go to a wedding in North Jersey where after cokctail hour you could only have wine, then ithe bar opened up again, then completely closed about two hours before the wedding was over. I left early. If I attended a wedding and it was a cash bar I don't know what I'd do with myself, I normally only bring a small amount of cash to tip the bartender. (I've also never seen tip jars put out, let alone honeymoon fund jars, yikes!) I mostly lurk, but there's a lot of ideas people come up with on these boards that I hope I never see.

annathy03 · June 2013

I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar, and I would side-eye it for sure. I've been to several with limited alcohol (booze ran out 3/4 through, wine and beer only, etc) and have no issue with those. I've not been to a dry wedding either and while I know the couple has no obligation to host alcohol I have to admit I'd be disappointed if it was an evening reception, but I certainly wouldn't be pissed or side-eye it. Not offering soda or having it as cash would irritate the shit out of me, and I don't even care for soda.

blueobsidian · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

Like I said, there's pros and cons to both options. I see this as one of those issues where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

But trust me, a dry wedding is out of the question. I was a BM in a dry wedding last fall, although I knew as soon as the engagement was announced that they wouldn't have a drop of alcohol at their reception (B+G and their families are major teetotalers). And get this: When we did the toast, the head table at least had sparkling grape juice. NOTHING was provided for the guests to toast with, so they awkwardly raised their glasses of water or iced tea or whatever.

The fact that I was celebrating the marriage of a very dear friend made it no big deal in the end, but I have to admit I was a tad bit bored without at least one drink in my system.
Sorry, but while I think serving something special to JUST the head table is rude, I do not understand why raising a glass of ice tea is more "awkward" than raising a Vodka Collins or a rum and coke. Do you always expect to have a special "toasting" drink provided at weddings?

I don't really understand this either. I don't drink, and I've never felt awkward toasting with whatever I have at hand (even if other people are toasting with alcohol). It's a glass to toast with. I'm not sure anyone's ever even noticed if I toast with something different.

bunni727 · June 2013

I'm from KY, and have never been to a wedding with any kind of bar.

I still think cash bars and drink tickets are for fundraisers. Wedding receptions are hosted events, and everything served should be hosted.

LuckyAloha · June 2013

I have never heard of them or a money dance until TK.

Kate61487 · June 2013

Every wedding I have attended minus four were full open bar. Two were dry for religious reasons, one was dry for budget reasons, but was at lunch so nbd. The fourth was hosted beer and cash otherwise. I was moderately mortified when I had to walk away from the bar (and the drink I'd already ordered) to go back to the table to get my purse. and that wedding was in Indy, so not so rural...

Closing the bar during dinner is pretty common in my circle/area (chicago burbs). its partially for the waitstaff and partially to stretch the party. At our wedding we had a 5 hr open bar, we could choose if that was 5 straight hours or an hr, dinner, then 4 more hours. we went with #2, but it was announced so ppl could get a drink (or two) before they sat down.

Xstatic3333 · June 2013

I think this is such an interesting topic! I didn't know cash bar was rude until I started planning and got on TK. I'm from Central MA; even though we're a small state, the part of the state seems to make a difference here. I also don't want to blame it all on geography, but hosted cocktail hours only are the norm in our circle. People expect them, bring cash, and drink quickly that first hour! My family sees full open bars as an extravagance for the very wealthy, and getting my own wedding fully hosted without ruffling feathers has been a difficult journey that has more to do with my family and FI's values than finances.

As a guest, cash bars don't bother me. I've enjoyed myself at too many cash bar weddings to get mad at them now. However, I do assume if a server is walking around offering drinks that they will be hosted. When I am brought a drink and a bill I get slightly frustrated. Put an obvious cash bar away in the corner and there are no surprises. That said, now that I know the etiquette I would never recommend this option to anyone.

J+A 2013 · June 2013

I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar, and only one had only beer and wine after cocktail hour. I live in NYC, grew up in PA (an hour north of Philly) and the weddings I've attended have all been somewhere between Long Island and Philly. I knew cash bars existed before TK, but at things like sorority mixers and banquets in college. I would not be able to drink at a wedding with a cash bar since I usually leave my money and credit cards in the hotel, and just take my ID and a few dollars for tips in my clutch.

crunchymamaof2 · June 2013

Like I said, there's pros and cons to both options. I see this as one of those issues where you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

But trust me, a dry wedding is out of the question. I was a BM in a dry wedding last fall, although I knew as soon as the engagement was announced that they wouldn't have a drop of alcohol at their reception (B+G and their families are major teetotalers). And get this: When we did the toast, the head table at least had sparkling grape juice. NOTHING was provided for the guests to toast with, so they awkwardly raised their glasses of water or iced tea or whatever.

The fact that I was celebrating the marriage of a very dear friend made it no big deal in the end, but I have to admit I was a tad bit bored without at least one drink in my system.
What are the cons to an open bar? Besides that they cost more money? I also don't see how you're "damned if you do" have an open bar. Also, what that B&G did was incredibly rude by only giving the BP a drink to toast with.

britthitched · June 2013

I grew up in an area that has ONLY open bars, even for Sweet 16 parties or Bar Mitzvahs, and had never even realized it was done differently elsewhere.

Well, I moved 1,000 miles away from home for college and my FI is from near where we went to school and live now. His parents were convinced having a "beer, wine, signature drinks for free, + cash bar" was completely acceptable, saying, "if people really want other options, they're willing to pay for it!" My parents, who are paying, were APPALLED at the idea, as was I, as it would be viewed as tacky to anyone we know coming from where I grew up.

After some very polite discussion that could have gone MUCH worse, we were able to agree that beer, wine, champagne, two signature drinks and no other options was perfectly acceptable. I'm happy with that (especially since I've known many of my friends to get too drunk/sick at full open bar weddings).

Lowell14 · June 2013

I was quite suprised when i found out the a cash bar is norm where i am getting married. Getting married in Belfast. EVERYONE i spoke to said that you pay for wine with dinner and a glass of champangne to toast. doesnt mean im going to do a cash bar but even the wedding co-ordinator looked at me like i had 3 heads when i was asking how best to pay for drinks for our guests....

jarednmegan · June 2013

leahjwatts said:

I was quite suprised when i found out the a cash bar is norm where i am getting married. Getting married in Belfast. EVERYONE i spoke to said that you pay for wine with dinner and a glass of champangne to toast. doesnt mean im going to do a cash bar but even the wedding co-ordinator looked at me like i had 3 heads when i was asking how best to pay for drinks for our guests....

I've never heard of paying for the toast beverage...wow...

MuppetFan · June 2013

jarednmegan said:

I'm assuming this thread resulted from some discussion on an SB thread that started when I said FI and I are having a cash bar. I can see how it is considered to be in poor taste...I'll revisit the issue with my parents, who are paying for the wedding. Maybe they'll agree to just stick with wine and beer for an open bar. I guess I hadn't given it a second thought because cash bars are common in the Midwest. Thanks for all the brutally-honest input, ladies. Seriously.

Uhm. Don't assume things. I didn't see your thread. This was the original thread: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/comment/6848043#Comment_6848043

Glad it was all sorts of useful for you though!

MuppetFan · June 2013

So far we are mostly proving my theory that people are used to it in New England, less Connecticut. VERY interesting. My grandmother is actually pissed off at me that we are having an limited open bar. She actually said "don't you dare!" to me. Both she and my mother think I'm being very wasteful because I could utilize that money differently. FFIL is paying for it. I just tell them that's their gift to me so I'm not wasting anything.

I was talking to some of my CA friends this week about our best man's wedding and they were all horrified about the prospect of bringing their wallet to a wedding. I was like, don't worry, we won't charge you at ours....

A good chunk of my guests are out of town requiring over a 4 hour drive or a plane flight. I have several coming from across the country. Almost everyone is at least an hour or two away. I just can't imagine how awful it would be to welcome them and thank them for coming with a bill for their drinks.

arrippa · June 2013

I have been to weddings in CA, NY, MA, CT and NH and they only place I have seen a cash bar was a wedding in So Cal. That wedding was terrrible for many reasons, one of which being the only drink that was free was soda. They even charged for water bottles (it was on a boat and that was the only water option). I have been to a few dry wedding though (NH and one in MA). the rest were open bars.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

I live in Southwestern PA and I have been to a few weddings here and out of state with cash bars. They don't really bother me at all, and I'm never without my wallet and ID because you never know if you will get into an actual emergency.

annathy03 · June 2013

I have been to weddings in CA, NY, MA, CT and NH and they only place I have seen a cash bar was a wedding in So Cal. That wedding was terrrible for many reasons, one of which being the only drink that was free was soda. They even charged for water bottles (it was on a boat and that was the only water option). I have been to a few dry wedding though (NH and one in MA). the rest were open bars.

I would flip my lid if someone charged me for WATER.

arrippa · June 2013

annathy03 said:

I have been to weddings in CA, NY, MA, CT and NH and they only place I have seen a cash bar was a wedding in So Cal. That wedding was terrrible for many reasons, one of which being the only drink that was free was soda. They even charged for water bottles (it was on a boat and that was the only water option). I have been to a few dry wedding though (NH and one in MA). the rest were open bars.

I would flip my lid if someone charged me for WATER.

That wedding was bad in so many ways. We were stuck on boat going around and around the harbor for hours. It was incredibly windy so everyone was crammed in the little downstairs area and the food was terrible. I mean so bad that when we were finally able to get off the boat, we went to a restaurant because we were all starving.

MairePoppy · June 2013

@MuppetFan - my aunt and cousins from MA were shocked that my daughter was having open bar at her wedding. They thought it would be wasteful, that people would order drinks, leave them and order another. They just didn't understand that the venue packages included open bar, automatically. I'm proud to say, there was no alcohol wasted at my daughter's wedding and the MA relatives took full advantage : )

MuppetFan · June 2013

moemacWed30594 said:

I have been to weddings in CA, NY, MA, CT and NH and they only place I have seen a cash bar was a wedding in So Cal. That wedding was terrrible for many reasons, one of which being the only drink that was free was soda. They even charged for water bottles (it was on a boat and that was the only water option). I have been to a few dry wedding though (NH and one in MA). the rest were open bars.

OOh another contrast to my theory! How to make sense of it all? lol

oh FFS regarding the water. I would think of that every time I saw the couple for life.

@Mairepoppy Open bar wasn't part of our package at all. I just give them a credit card, consumption basis charges...except for wine, that was by the bottle so I limited it to sparkling only which will be for the mimosas too.

britthitched · June 2013

MuppetFan said:

A good chunk of my guests are out of town requiring over a 4 hour drive or a plane flight. I have several coming from across the country. Almost everyone is at least an hour or two away. I just can't imagine how awful it would be to welcome them and thank them for coming with a bill for their drinks.

...THIS.

My FI is local to where our wedding is, but I have family and friends flying 1,000-3,000 miles to our wedding and spending two or more nights at a hotel. Asking them to pay for liquor? Nothing sounds more horrifying to me.

HaylaC · June 2013

Where I live (England) paying for your drinks is the norm. Aside from a welcome drink, one or two glasses of wine (or whatever the b&g choose), toast and water with the meal, the rest you buy yourself. We actually provided beer, wine and cider for the whole day which is very unusual, but unsurprisingly went down very well. I can't comment on Belfast weddings, but it seems rude even by our standards to charge guests for a drink with their meal

MairePoppy · June 2013

bunni727 said:

I'm from KY, and have never been to a wedding with any kind of bar.

I still think cash bars and drink tickets are for fundraisers. Wedding receptions are hosted events, and everything served should be hosted.

I agree. The drink tickets and fundraisers don't belong at a wedding.

Although I've never been invited to a dry wedding, I wouldn't be offended if a couple didn't serve alcohol at their wedding, as long as soft drinks were hosted.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

I haven't been to one myself but wouldn't be offended if I went to wedding where there was limited alcohol provided or no alcohol provided for whatever reason. Yes a glass of wine or something mixed is always nice, but as long as the pop is free, I'm happy.

NYCBruin · June 2013

britthitched said:

MuppetFan said:

A good chunk of my guests are out of town requiring over a 4 hour drive or a plane flight. I have several coming from across the country. Almost everyone is at least an hour or two away. I just can't imagine how awful it would be to welcome them and thank them for coming with a bill for their drinks.

...THIS.

My FI is local to where our wedding is, but I have family and friends flying 1,000-3,000 miles to our wedding and spending two or more nights at a hotel. Asking them to pay for liquor? Nothing sounds more horrifying to me.

Yup, this is my biggest issue with cash bars. Almost all the weddings I attend are out of town and FI and I easily spend $500-$1000 between flights, car rental (if your wedding is not near an airport), hotel room, meals and a gift. Having me pay for a drink on top of all that because you wanted a bar but didn't want to fund it is inexcusably rude to me. I have no problem if you elect not to have alcohol at your wedding for any reason.

If you want alcohol at your wedding, figure out a way to pay for it.

ETA because spelling is hard sometimes.

Belle2188 · June 2013

I'm late to the party, but I've never been to a wedding with a cash bar, nor have I been to a dry wedding, or a wedding with just beer and wine. I'm entirely positive that this is because I grew up on Long Island, in a very Italian/Irish/Catholic area where anything other than a full open bar would just be appalling! (Not saying I agree--just that that's how it is!)

I have, however, been to a wedding where they ran out of almost everything behind the bar about two hours before the wedding ended. Oops...

Havana2014 · June 2013

I'm not in the US and where I'm from (Ireland) cash bars are totally the norm and no one would ever expect an open bar.. The norm here is for some sort of drinks on arrival (usually sparkling wine or maybe cocktails) then wine with dinner (usually 1/2 bottle per person), sometimes a drink for the toast, though often people will just use the wine. After the meal it's then a cash bar (which is also open from when the reception starts). But then weddings here seem to be much longer than in the US and it would be really expensive to host the bar all night. A normal wedding time line would usually have the reception start at about 2.30/3pm, with dinner served at 5/5.30pm, then a band till about 11.30pm, (there would be food served at this point), DJ till maybe 2pm and then the hotel 'residents bar' till whatever hour the last person leaves.

Jen4948 · June 2013

I've attended weddings all over the US, and they've all been open bar, limited bar, or dry. No cash bars.

No one I personally know would find a cash bar acceptable in any way, shape, or form. Bottom line: You think alcohol is so important, you pay for it. You don't pass on the cost to your guests. You also don't try to control their alcohol intake by asking them to pay for it-you put your bartenders and venue security on the alert for any drunkenness and don't let them get behind any wheels.

TheBaysideBride · June 2013

Eh, i've never been to a wedding w/ a cash bar, but I'm not terribly judgemental, and if a couple couldn't swing a bar and I had to pony up a reasonable amount of money for a drink, it wouldn't be the end of the world. The after party of a wedding I went to ended up being a cash bar, which was weird bc they rented the whole place out, and while it caught my sister off guard (no wallet) I was happy to buy a few rounds of drinks. I was there to celebrate

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