Acceptable Gap?

Kate61487 · June 2013

tammym1001 said:

Harry87 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

scribe95 said:

Isn't not inconveniencing/annoying guests sort of the point of etiquette?
That is a valid point. However, you can't avoid ALL inconvenience/annoyance for every single guest. It just isn't possible to make everyone happy. One can try to avoid these inconveniences/annoyances but some are unavoidable. All you can do is hope to make the event as comfortable as possible, providing suggestions for ways for guests to fill the gap is one way to do this.

Bottom line - having a gap is not against etiquette. It might not be ideal. But it is not "rude". There are polite ways and rude ways to handle the gap. But the gap in and of it self is not an etiquette rule breaker.
We're not talking about one or two guests, we're talking about all of them.

Bottom line, you should probably stop saying things that aren't true and that the majority agrees is rude.

I was actually only talking about 3 guests who might be inconvenienced for an hour or so and how I could fix that.

I agree that large gaps that affect all your guests are inconvenient and rude.

I think I'm going to talk to the church to see what we can do about having some refreshments at the church.

OP - I don't think Harry was talking about your situation; she was responding to the blanket statement Lavender made trying to claim that gaps aren't rude b/c at some point someone will be inconvenienced. But with most all gap situations (with the exception of OP) EVERY guest is inconvenienced by a gap.

As for the rest of this discussion, just co-sign me to everything Stage and Lia said.

Viczaesar · June 2013

plumander said:

Viczaesar said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Liatris2010 said:

Daizy914 said:

I have never been to a wedding that didn't have a gap. I always thought this was normal.

I don't think the gap is a big deal because not everyone goes to the ceremony. But that is just my opinion.

I have just learned that a gap is rude, but sometimes you can't help it. Maybe there was a ceremony prior to yours, or maybe you couldn't have the reception at the time right after the ceremony because there was an event going on prior to yours. I mean things happen.

At every single venue in town?
Unless you are in a super-small town and there are literally no other options, what you're describing isn't an excuse, it is poor planning.

You set up times with ceremony and reception venues long before your invites go out. If a venue can't accommodate you without there being a gap, pick a different venue. It isn't complicated.

Yes, at every single venue in town. That is why I pointed out that this can be a regional/cultural thing. My church will only marry us at 12 PM. Brutal - I know. There is not one venue within a 30 mile radius where we could have a reception prior to 6 PM. I'm not being dramatic. It just isn't how things are done here. For some venues it's because they host a 12 - 5 PM wedding, and then a 6 - 11PM. For others it's because they function as a restaurant during the day and close down for the weddings later. Regardless, I will provide options for my guests so they have options (which will include some type of hosted brunch/lunch). We will also be in a coastal beach town, so most guest are making a weekend out of it and will spend the time checking into hotel rooms, walking along the beach, etc. For those guests not making a trip out of it, they will be able to relax in the "hospitality suite" we will provide.

Like I said, a "gap" isn't ideal, but it isn't a breach of etiquette. How the B+G handle the gap is where etiquette comes into play.

So you take the 12-5 pm slot. Problem solved.

I really don't think you can have a 0 minute ceremony.

It really doesn't matter how long your ceremony takes. If you take the 12-5 pm slot your reception site will be ready for you whenever you're done with the ceremony. Like I said, problem solved.

Viczaesar · June 2013

Do we know where OP is having her wedding? I'm half tempted to start Googling venues.

tammym1001 · June 2013

Viczaesar said:

Do we know where OP is having her wedding? I'm half tempted to start Googling venues.

I'm the OP, but I'm not the one who said every venue in town isn't available until 6 pm. This thread kind of went in a completely different direction than how it started.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

Kate61487 · June 2013

Daizy914 said:

I am sorry but I don't know one person who planned their wedding to avoid a gap! Sometimes it can't be avoided and like StageManager said, what the B&G plan to entertain the guests during the gap is where etiquette comes into play. We are talking about a 2 1/2 hr gap not a 4-6hr gap- now that's unacceptable and I have experienced that before. I am sure that my guests will not be throwing stones at me.

And that is too long. I appreciate that you're (it sounds like) trying to properly host/entertain your guests during that time, but 2.5 hours is too much. A 1 hour "gap" (which we call a cocktail hour) is acceptable. Any longer than an hour and a half is just rude. Your guests can only eat so many passed hors d'oeuvres before they get bored and leave.

And saying "hey go check out XXXX place, it's cool" is not the same thing as properly hosting your guests.

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

@LavenderHoneybee - Catholicism has nothing to do with a gap. You get married in a Catholic church with a Catholic ceremony and then you go to your reception. I don't get why Catholicism is being blamed for a gap? I believe 100% that you CHOSE a reception venue that would not allow an event prior to 6pm, but I do not believe that there are "zero" venues in your area where you cannot start a reception before 6pm. I don't care where you live, it's simply not true. There are parks, community centers, your home, etc. etc. that do not require a post-6pm start time. It's simply not an acceptable reason.

@Daizy914 - a 2.5 hr gap is way too long. I went to a wedding this Spring that had a 2.5 hour gap because the bride wanted to ride around and take pictures. We skipped the ceremony because it was too tedious to drive there, drive home, twiddle our thumbs for hours, drive back for the reception, drive home... yea I don't think so. Also, 2.5 hours of pictures/waiting would make me want to melon ball my eyes out if I were part of the WP.

I'm taking a stab in the dark here but I think most gaps are for taking pictures when the bride and groom don't want to see each other before the ceremony. Here's what you do. You get all the pictures you can get (you with parents, you with BMs, you with grandma) without seeing each other. Then you get married and while you're taking pictures with your H and some key family shots you provide cocktail hour for your guests. Boom - you are efficient, you are considerate, you are an awesome host, your guests aren't annoyed, you have all the pictures you want!! Impressive.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

First - having a gap is not a breach of etiquette. This is a regional thing that in some areas in completely normal. I'm Catholic and have never been to a wedding without a gap. It's just the nature of the beast when you have church ceremonies.

But I digress. Your guests are adults and can figure out the time for themselves. Don't drive yourself crazy trying to plan something for three people. It's sweet you want to accommodate them, but I'm sure they will figure out something on their one. They can stay for a few pictures, and then maybe go to the venue early and get a drink at the bar, or kill time in some other fashion.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I have been to many Catholic wedding masses and none of them ever had a gap. I am planning a Catholic wedding mass, and I am not having a gap.

Please, please, please do NOT start rationalizing gaps by blaming them on Catholic Wedding Mass ceremonies. Gaps are NOT a regional thing, and they are NOT a Catholic thing- they are a Bride and Groom thing.

Gaps occur when a couple has a wedding ceremony at an earlier time, possibly due to church restrictions and scheduling, then the couple chooses to have an evening reception, rather than a reception immediately following their mass.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

Daizy914 said:

I have never been to a wedding that didn't have a gap. I always thought this was normal.

I don't think the gap is a big deal because not everyone goes to the ceremony. But that is just my opinion.

I have just learned that a gap is rude, but sometimes you can't help it. Maybe there was a ceremony prior to yours, or maybe you couldn't have the reception at the time right after the ceremony because there was an event going on prior to yours. I mean things happen.

What? Why don't people in your circle attend the wedding ceremony? That is the most critical part of a Wedding Day, lol!

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

Daizy914 said:

Liatris2010 said:

LavenderHoneyBee said:

Liatris2010 said:

Daizy914 said:

I have never been to a wedding that didn't have a gap. I always thought this was normal.

I don't think the gap is a big deal because not everyone goes to the ceremony. But that is just my opinion.

I have just learned that a gap is rude, but sometimes you can't help it. Maybe there was a ceremony prior to yours, or maybe you couldn't have the reception at the time right after the ceremony because there was an event going on prior to yours. I mean things happen.

At every single venue in town?
Unless you are in a super-small town and there are literally no other options, what you're describing isn't an excuse, it is poor planning.

You set up times with ceremony and reception venues long before your invites go out. If a venue can't accommodate you without there being a gap, pick a different venue. It isn't complicated.

Yes, at every single venue in town. That is why I pointed out that this can be a regional/cultural thing. My church will only marry us at 12 PM. Brutal - I know. There is not one venue within a 30 mile radius where we could have a reception prior to 6 PM. I'm not being dramatic. It just isn't how things are done here. For some venues it's because they host a 12 - 5 PM wedding, and then a 6 - 11PM. For others it's because they function as a restaurant during the day and close down for the weddings later. Regardless, I will provide options for my guests so they have options (which will include some type of hosted brunch/lunch). We will also be in a coastal beach town, so most guest are making a weekend out of it and will spend the time checking into hotel rooms, walking along the beach, etc. For those guests not making a trip out of it, they will be able to relax in the "hospitality suite" we will provide.

Like I said, a "gap" isn't ideal, but it isn't a breach of etiquette. How the B+G handle the gap is where etiquette comes into play.

Still not a regional/cultural thing. It is an odd trait of your particular location, not a part of coastal culture.

Source: I grew up on an island.

I am sorry but I don't know one person who planned their wedding to avoid a gap! Sometimes it can't be avoided and like StageManager said, what the B&G plan to entertain the guests during the gap is where etiquette comes into play. We are talking about a 2 1/2 hr gap not a 4-6hr gap- now that's unacceptable and I have experienced that before. I am sure that my guests will not be throwing stones at me.

You need a new circle, IMO. And I don't know about you, but "Everybody is doing it" hasn't worked fro me since I was like 5 years old. . . and it didn't actually work. My mother never fell for it.

I'd be pretty annoyed with a 21/2 hour gap. If I was a local guest and depending on how far the distance was from the ceremony site to the reception, I would probably just go home after the ceremony and not attend the reception. If I was an OOT guest I may do the same.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

Daizy914 said:

I have never been to a wedding that didn't have a gap. I always thought this was normal.

I don't think the gap is a big deal because not everyone goes to the ceremony. But that is just my opinion.

I have just learned that a gap is rude, but sometimes you can't help it. Maybe there was a ceremony prior to yours, or maybe you couldn't have the reception at the time right after the ceremony because there was an event going on prior to yours. I mean things happen.

What? Why don't people in your circle attend the wedding ceremony? That is the most critical part of a Wedding Day, lol!
Consigned, Stage. I would never attend just the reception )if invited to the ceremony too) unless it was someone I was pretty close to and I was literally unable to attend the ceremony. It seems incredibly disrespectful.

Yep, I think so too.

Pepper6 · June 2013

StageManager14 said:

Daizy914 said:

I have never been to a wedding that didn't have a gap. I always thought this was normal.

I don't think the gap is a big deal because not everyone goes to the ceremony. But that is just my opinion.

I have just learned that a gap is rude, but sometimes you can't help it. Maybe there was a ceremony prior to yours, or maybe you couldn't have the reception at the time right after the ceremony because there was an event going on prior to yours. I mean things happen.

What? Why don't people in your circle attend the wedding ceremony? That is the most critical part of a Wedding Day, lol!
Consigned, Stage. I would never attend just the reception )if invited to the ceremony too) unless it was someone I was pretty close to and I was literally unable to attend the ceremony. It seems incredibly disrespectful.

I was going to say that if there was a large gap, I probably wouldn't attend the ceremony either, but then I realized I probably wouldn't attend the event at all because I think gaps are terribly rude and disrespectful to the guests and I'm not going to get all dressed up to attend only half of an event.

[Deleted User] · June 2013

The user and all related content has been deleted.

ashleyep · June 2013

Daizy914 said:

Ok, well again, I have never been to a wedding where there wasn't a gap, nor do I care if there is a gap!! Its their wedding, and whatever they do is fine by me and I am honored to be a guest at their wedding. Gap or No Gap! Sorry I am "breaking the rules" I am not the only one who has had a gap. Sorry I am not perfect like you ladies. And to say that I need a new circle because not everyone will be at the ceremony is out of line. I know a lot of people who don't attend the ceremony, they may not think its important or maybe they won't go to the ceremony because they feel so terribly inconvenienced

Look, the only thing anyone on here can tell is that there is a recognized set of rules to follow that will keep the number of people upset at your wedding to a minimum. It's about hosting your guests as best you can.

At the end of the day, you know your guests, and you don't have to follow anyone's advice here. You can make that choice if you want, but know that etiquette considers it rude, and no one in the Etiquette board is going to tell you it's okay.

Havana2014 · June 2013

The more I read on this site the more amazed I am by how weddings vary around the world. Where I'm from there isn't any gap between the ceremony and the reception. There is usually 2-3 hours between the ceremony and the meal, during which time people eat, drink, mingle, and generally have a great time - in fact it's often the best part of the day. It's never considered a gap, it's part of the day, of the wedding celebration. The reception here is not just the dinner, it's everything from the end of the ceremony (about 3pm) to the end of the night - usually 3 or 4am!

southernbelle0915 · June 2013

Daizy914 said:

Ok, well again, I have never been to a wedding where there wasn't a gap, nor do I care if there is a gap!! Its their wedding, and whatever they do is fine by me and I am honored to be a guest at their wedding. Gap or No Gap! Sorry I am "breaking the rules" I am not the only one who has had a gap. Sorry I am not perfect like you ladies. And to say that I need a new circle because not everyone will be at the ceremony is out of line. I know a lot of people who don't attend the ceremony, they may not think its important or maybe they won't go to the ceremony because they feel so terribly inconvenienced

No one is saying you need to be perfect. Definitely not. Perfection confession - I had attire information AND "adults only" on my website before I knew it was a no-no. AHHHH! We all make etiquette mistakes - I know I did and TK has definitely helped me avoid many.

I think people just want to make sure that any lurking brides or future lurking brides don't read this and think it's OK to have a gap because of "their circle" or "regional differences" or "religious ceremonies" (none of which make etiquette faux pas ok).

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

Daizy914 said:

Ok, well again, I have never been to a wedding where there wasn't a gap, nor do I care if there is a gap!! Its their wedding, and whatever they do is fine by me and I am honored to be a guest at their wedding. Gap or No Gap! Sorry I am "breaking the rules" I am not the only one who has had a gap. Sorry I am not perfect like you ladies. And to say that I need a new circle because not everyone will be at the ceremony is out of line. I know a lot of people who don't attend the ceremony, they may not think its important or maybe they won't go to the ceremony because they feel so terribly inconvenienced

You don't have to be perfect! The point of these boards is for past and current brides to share information and help each other out.

I said you needed a new circle because your friends don't seem to know how to plan a wedding w/o a gap- "I am sorry but I don't know one person who planned their wedding to avoid a gap!"

I hadn't yet read that they also don't attend ceremonies. . . I'm just baffled by that. Sure, shit happens. People might be running late, car breaks down, child starts puking as they are running out the door, etc. . . all things that could cause ppl to miss a ceremony or reception.

But if people in your circle don't attend ceremonies because they don't feel the ceremonies are important, then that is a damn shame. The ceremony is the most important part of the wedding day, and I would be very offended if people felt otherwise and only showed up to my reception.

Kate61487 · June 2013

PrettyGirlLost said:

The ceremony is the most important part of the wedding day, and I would be very offended if people felt otherwise and only showed up to my reception.

Fun fact: my uncle joked about giving out "golden tickets" at the ceremony when he got married 10 years ago. So only those who attended the ceremony would be able to enter the reception (or possibly even know where the reception was). He was kidding, of course, but the sentiment is right on - the ceremony is the important part (making exception for circumstances when people have legitimate conflicts, of course).

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

Wow, looks like another user has requested that their account be deleted. . .

AllieBear725 · June 2013

Another one bites the dust!

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

AllieBear725 said:

Another one bites the dust!

http://24.media.tumblr.com/d140e868adaabb6e247037f4b97b212a/tumblr_mksx4fGGNS1s9k6tpo1_500.gif

LavenderHoneyBee · June 2013

Havana2014 said:

The more I read on this site the more amazed I am by how weddings vary around the world. Where I'm from there isn't any gap between the ceremony and the reception. There is usually 2-3 hours between the ceremony and the meal, during which time people eat, drink, mingle, and generally have a great time - in fact it's often the best part of the day. It's never considered a gap, it's part of the day, of the wedding celebration. The reception here is not just the dinner, it's everything from the end of the ceremony (about 3pm) to the end of the night - usually 3 or 4am!

Well said! It amazes me that on a board made up of women from all over, with different traditions and styles, so many people would think there is only one "right" way of doing a wedding. It's so narrow-minded to think your way is the only right way. Would posters on here this it is "rude" when traditional Indians have a three day wedding celebration? How dare they have a gap between day 1 and day 2!

Ultimately, ones wedding is a reflection of their culture and norms. And I do firmly believe in a set form of accepted "etiquette" across the board. However, this does not extend to cultural situations Some people may do things one way or another. All hosts should do their best to accommodate their guests (which is the root of etiquette), but it's impossible to accommodate everyone perfectly all the time. If that were the case, wouldn't we all be having weddings at Aunt Ellen's house (you know she can't travel well), serve a different dish to every guest (they should eat what they want, not what we want them to eat right?), and offer chauffeured drives home (no one should have to be responsible for their own transportation - the horror!).

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

Lavender, no one was talking about Indian weddings here. . .we were discussing Catholic weddings.

Nice try though.

Havana2014 · June 2013

While obviously LavanderHoneyBee has used extreme examples I do think she has a point. -

over here it's the norm to pay for your bridesmaids dresses, shoes, hair etc. I believe that is not generally the case in the US, but I don't consider it rude that you don't do that. I don't like gift registeries, I think they are a bit gift grabby, and ive never known anyone to have one, but I understand that this is not the case in the US. I don't think those of you that have them are rude. Same goes for showers of any description- I've never been to one and never heard of anyone here having one.

LavenderHoneyBee · June 2013

I'm not saying anyone HAS done those things, I was making a point that it is impossible to please every wedding guest bc we would be going crazy. In my culture it's the norm to have catholic ceremonies, with a gap. The elderly guests in my circle like them bc they can rest, relax, etc. My friends enjoy them because they have time decompress. But - I understand it isn't the norm everywhere. Just like @Havana2014 pointed out, different cultures have different norms.

LavenderHoneyBee · June 2013

Anyways - this has been an interesting conversation, and I enjoy hearing about how other people handle different situations. I don't think anyone will every fully agree, and thats ok. Hence why these boards exist.

artbyallie · June 2013

LavenderHoneyBee said:

I'm not saying anyone HAS done those things, I was making a point that it is impossible to please every wedding guest bc we would be going crazy. In my culture it's the norm to have catholic ceremonies, with a gap. The elderly guests in my circle like them bc they can rest, relax, etc. My friends enjoy them because they have time decompress. But - I understand it isn't the norm everywhere. Just like @Havana2014 pointed out, different cultures have different norms.

You have to 'decompress' after a wedding ceremony? Huh?

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

@Liatris2010, well it's certainly not Lupus.

PrettyGirlLost · June 2013

@Liatris2010 Thank you! I dream of a day when we can all publicly proclaim our Love on TK! And also a day when posts turn gold from Love again. . .

jenn5628 · June 2013

Havana2014 said:

The more I read on this site the more amazed I am by how weddings vary around the world. Where I'm from there isn't any gap between the ceremony and the reception. There is usually 2-3 hours between the ceremony and the meal, during which time people eat, drink, mingle, and generally have a great time - in fact it's often the best part of the day. It's never considered a gap, it's part of the day, of the wedding celebration. The reception here is not just the dinner, it's everything from the end of the ceremony (about 3pm) to the end of the night - usually 3 or 4am!

Well said! It amazes me that on a board made up of women from all over, with different traditions and styles, so many people would think there is only one "right" way of doing a wedding. It's so narrow-minded to think your way is the only right way. Would posters on here this it is "rude" when traditional Indians have a three day wedding celebration? How dare they have a gap between day 1 and day 2!

Ultimately, ones wedding is a reflection of their culture and norms. And I do firmly believe in a set form of accepted "etiquette" across the board. However, this does not extend to cultural situations Some people may do things one way or another. All hosts should do their best to accommodate their guests (which is the root of etiquette), but it's impossible to accommodate everyone perfectly all the time. If that were the case, wouldn't we all be having weddings at Aunt Ellen's house (you know she can't travel well), serve a different dish to every guest (they should eat what they want, not what we want them to eat right?), and offer chauffeured drives home (no one should have to be responsible for their own transportation - the horror!).

I'd hardly say that the WP taking off to have pictures for 2 hours and leaving their guests un-tended to is a 'cultural situation', because let's be honest, that's why most gaps exist. (don't know why this showed up in a quote block)

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