Guest list going up ... and up ...

16maybeless · June 2013

So FI and I are planning an intimate 60-70 person wedding. I wanted to keep it limited to immediate family (up to aunts + uncles) + close family and mutual friends. We were at 65 guests ... until our mothers got a hold of the list.

Since last night, we are now at 89, and that doesn't include 6 "maybe we'll invite them"s from MIL (these are neighbors that FI has never met).

I'm OK with a larger guest list; it's still a small wedding. However, our caterer quoted us a price for 60 guests that was already pretty much at budget. We are splitting the wedding almost equally three ways, with me + FI paying one third, parents paying one third (catering and photog), and MIL/FIL paying one third (venue + florist + other costs). MIL has also quietly and graciously offered to pay for any cost overruns.

So my question: Is it OK to request that MIL/FIL pay for the difference in catering costs with the larger guest list, and if so, how do I broach that subject politely? Or should FI and I take that cost on ourselves?

(I should add that my MIL is wonderful and amazing and I begrudge her nothing; she is just a social butterfly.)

ashleyep · June 2013

I think you could talk to your MIL and let her know that your budget is already very tight and you're not sure you have room for her 6 "maybe we shoot invite them" guests. Hopefully she'll take the hint.

I'm not sure there's a tactful way to just ask her for money. Or maybe this is a conversation your FI can have with her?

AddieCake · June 2013

If you are splitting it 3 ways, you and your fiance, your parents, and your in-laws should each get 1/3 of the guest list. Your fiance should tell them if they want more, they need to contribute more to cover the additional costs.

ETA: And remind her that additional costs includes food, possibly chair rental, centerpieces, favors, etc.

Abs211981 · June 2013

We ran into this. Big weddings with 300+ guests are very common where we live.

We got everything priced out and my parents agreed to pay for 400 guests. I thought this was gracious plenty, but when I brought this up with the future in laws I just said "my parents have graciously agreed to cover the cost for 400 guests. After dividing the guest list equally between everyone you and your spouse get x number of invites. If you would like to invite more people that is perfectly fine with me but unfortunately my parents won't be able to cover that additional cost with their budget. Any additional guests will be x number of dollars."

They were perfectly fine with this. With their extras we ended up inviting just over 700 people and a little over 500 showed up. When future in laws gave me their guest list with addresses, etc they also handed me a check for the amount of guests they went over.

It worked out great for us!

Abs211981 · June 2013

Abs211981 said:

We ran into this. Big weddings with 300+ guests are very common where we live.

We got everything priced out and my parents agreed to pay for 400 guests. I thought this was gracious plenty, but when I brought this up with the future in laws I just said "my parents have graciously agreed to cover the cost for 400 guests. After dividing the guest list equally between everyone you and your spouse get x number of invites. If you would like to invite more people that is perfectly fine with me but unfortunately my parents won't be able to cover that additional cost with their budget. Any additional guests will be x number of dollars."

They were perfectly fine with this. With their extras we ended up inviting just over 700 people and a little over 500 showed up. When future in laws gave me their guest list with addresses, etc they also handed me a check for the amount of guests they went over.

It worked out great for us!

I guess I should have clarified a bit....they paid for the additional invites at first and any later paid for the additional guests who actually RSVP'd that they were indeed coming. That way they didn't end up paying for guests who didn't actually show up.

ashleyep · June 2013

Abs211981 said:

@abs211981

I guess I should have clarified a bit....they paid for the additional invites at first and any later paid for the additional guests who actually RSVP'd that they were indeed coming. That way they didn't end up paying for guests who didn't actually show up.

I was going to say - great for you indeed!

twotimemob · June 2013

Wow, Abs, your in-laws' response was awesome! We told daughter's future in-laws the same thing - they could invite X number of guests and anything over that they had to pay per person. They said "WHAT??? We don't pay, the bride's parents are supposed to pay!!!" They eventually got their numbers down, but incurred a whole lot of stress for everyone involved.

OP - you are very lucky that all your parents are so generous. If you can handle the extra 6 people, then I would tell her, "ok we can accommodate that, but no more". Or if you really can't afford them, you and your FI need to be straight with her - "gosh, we'd love to accommodate them but we just can't". Hopefully they will understand.

16maybeless · June 2013

Abs211981 said:

Abs211981 said:

We ran into this. Big weddings with 300+ guests are very common where we live.

We got everything priced out and my parents agreed to pay for 400 guests. I thought this was gracious plenty, but when I brought this up with the future in laws I just said "my parents have graciously agreed to cover the cost for 400 guests. After dividing the guest list equally between everyone you and your spouse get x number of invites. If you would like to invite more people that is perfectly fine with me but unfortunately my parents won't be able to cover that additional cost with their budget. Any additional guests will be x number of dollars."

They were perfectly fine with this. With their extras we ended up inviting just over 700 people and a little over 500 showed up. When future in laws gave me their guest list with addresses, etc they also handed me a check for the amount of guests they went over.

It worked out great for us!

I guess I should have clarified a bit....they paid for the additional invites at first and any later paid for the additional guests who actually RSVP'd that they were indeed coming. That way they didn't end up paying for guests who didn't actually show up.

Eeek, 500 guests! I am nervous just thinking of it.

What we decided to do is just pay for the additional invites and save the dates ourselves (me + FI) and then we'll see what the RSVPs look like ... I wonder if these 6 rather random invites will even show? And if they do, we'll cross that bridge when we get there. Luckily we don't need a final number for our caterer until 45 days before the wedding.

jarednmegan · June 2013

Abs211981 said:

We ran into this. Big weddings with 300+ guests are very common where we live.

We got everything priced out and my parents agreed to pay for 400 guests. I thought this was gracious plenty, but when I brought this up with the future in laws I just said "my parents have graciously agreed to cover the cost for 400 guests. After dividing the guest list equally between everyone you and your spouse get x number of invites. If you would like to invite more people that is perfectly fine with me but unfortunately my parents won't be able to cover that additional cost with their budget. Any additional guests will be x number of dollars."

They were perfectly fine with this. With their extras we ended up inviting just over 700 people and a little over 500 showed up. When future in laws gave me their guest list with addresses, etc they also handed me a check for the amount of guests they went over.

It worked out great for us!

I feel better now about my 400-ish guest list...

VadersValkyrie · June 2013

I don't think I know 400 people... God bless you all.

thejucheidea · June 2013

I'm nervous enough about the 126 we're inviting...

smalfrie19 · June 2013

thejucheidea said:

I'm nervous enough about the 126 we're inviting...

I know right!? I am having MAYBE 110.

cmalork · July 2013

Wow... 400! My FI and I are at 120 and I'm getting nervous about that many. We ran into this issue with my FMIL. My FI's family has not paid for anything for the wedding (which we are fine with), but his mom continued to add to our guest list which would have increased the number to 140. We had to tell her that we could not afford to add 3 more tables to the reception, and 20 more people to catering and it would just make things to crowded. Luckily my FFIL agreed and promptly told my FMIL no to her guests and this was our wedding and we had a say in the guest list and not her. This was all family she had wanted to invite that either my FI has never met or cousins that have never been nice to me and never have said a word to me in the year and a half I have known them (trust me...Thanksgiving was no fun last year). So we all had to put our foot down and just say no.

MuppetOverlord · July 2013

If my parents started to invite their neighbors, I'd be asking them if we can avoid that since it goes against our plans for an intimate wedding of close friends and family...but if you're okay with that, sounds like you got it under control.

I don't know 400 people I'd want at my wedding. To achieve 400, I'd have to invite all my clients, coworkers, vendors, my friends friends... 100 would've been a comfortable number for me. We're inviting around 80, expecting 65-70...just what we could afford.

jarednmegan · July 2013

VadersValkyrie said:

I don't think I know 400 people... God bless you all.

We're inviting a lot of young couples from church, and most of them have at least one child. Also, most of my cousins have kids. I think children account for about 10 percent of the guest list...

deannagirly · July 2013

My FI and I plan on paying for our wedding ourselves, and having about 150-200 guests. So we plan on dividing up the guests equally amongst them and allowing them to pay for additional if they need to. Since we aren't having either parent pay for the wedding we are hoping this won't become a problem with them. My only worry is that FI's parents are divorced, and they are very competitive and I'm hoping that they won't compete for who can afford the most amount of people.

fearlessbrideMI · July 2013

We thought we wanted to invite 100...that grew to 210 once our parents got involved. We're each paying 1/4 of the total but its still way more people then we ever wanted. Scariest part is all but 36 are family (and close family at that)!

GetThePointe77 · July 2013

Originally mine was going to be 70-80 people. Then FFIL got a hold of the list, and said we needed to invite a ton of his family (which he is close too but still it wasn't immediate family (cousins aunts uncles ect) it was DISTANT. I finally agreed to 185, and yesterday they gave me a list of 200. I'm ready to freak out I'm not going to lie, they just dont understand the concept of budget, and seem to think my parents can just cover the extra cost if we go over which ISNT OKAY! They already have more than 2/3rds of the guest list being their family/friends, and I'm not inviting a ton of my friends

VadersValkyrie · July 2013

GetthePointe77: if your FFIL isn't paying, he doesn't get a say. Your parents are paying, so they get to determine the number of guests.

GetThePointe77 · July 2013

Well originally my parents were paying, and now they are splitting it...so I cant really say THAT much except for the fact that they expect my parents to pay for any spill over which I dont think is fair, considering its THEIR extra people (and they already have waaaay more people to begin with)

Jen4948 · July 2013

Tear up your guest list and start over.

Together with your FI, tell your FILs that they can invite X number of people of their choice, but they must cover the costs of inviting any guests in excess of X in their entirety. And stand firm.

laurammoriarty · July 2013

Good luck! These areas are soo hard! But I honestly think that if you MIL wants to invite more, and she has offered to help cover overages, it is reasonable to talk to her about the caterer budget and for # before extra, and additions causing additional costs. She sounds very understanding, and will probably completely understand. She was a bride once too.

Best wishes!

awilson6833 · July 2013

Wow! My fiance and I decided BEFORE announcing that we finally set a date for our wedding that our ceremony and reception uest list would be capped at 150 (75 each)... We are paying for everything ourselves, so we are adamant that the list not go over that amount. However, I did not really think about my family before we set that number. I have my mothers family to contend with (she is one of 12), my step father (one of 11) and my biological father whose family I really dont know too well. When I sat down and did a general list... I ALONE was at 222 guests! lol I thankfully I have a very understanding mother who just wants to make sure OUR day is what WE envisioned. So, I began the process of trimming my list.. first to go were children that were not in the wedding (my ceremony is after 5p), next up were distant relatives, next were family and associates I have not spoken to in the last calendar year. I amazingly got the list down to 80. I honestly do not feel bad about those who did not make the final list. While I love them dearly, those not on my final list are not really part of my daily life. These are are the people that we may see once or twice every few years. I am sure there may be a few ruffled feathers but I am absolutely ok, explaining why. BTW, only my siblings my bio father and wife made the list from his side - I honestly do not know any of his family well enough to invite them and I am certain he will understand when I explain it. I am blessed in that aspect! I have heard horror stories about guest lists, parents and inlaws.... since we are not asking anyone to contribute, we set the expectation up front and our familes are being very supportive. FH and I really want to celebrate our union with those who have been there with us through thick and thin! Best wishes to all of you!

LavenderHoneyBee · July 2013

I would talk to both mothers and request that they cost for the extra catering for their extra guests (on top of the 65 you agreed to).

16maybeless · July 2013

An update to all: Future husband talked to his mother and I talked to mine, and we reached an agreement ... let's nix anyone we've never met. FMIL is amazing and said, "Oh, sure, no problem." Like it wasn't even a thang. She doesn't seem fazed.

My mother was a bit more difficult and still insists on inviting a second aunt and uncle of mine who I haven't seen since I was 12. But it's not a reason to argue anymore, and we're back down around 75. It's doable. I'll live. :-)

I'm so glad my MIL is as easygoing as she is.

amazonkit · July 2013

I told my parents they could invite their friends but they had to be friends that I have met. I don't feel comfortable having strangers at my wedding and we're having a hard time keeping our list to our 240 limit as it is. They were ok with that.

KCLindgren · July 2013

16maybeless said:
So FI and I are planning an intimate 60-70 person wedding. I wanted to keep it limited to immediate family (up to aunts + uncles) + close family and mutual friends. We were at 65 guests ... until our mothers got a hold of the list.

Since last night, we are now at 89, and that doesn't include 6 "maybe we'll invite them"s from MIL (these are neighbors that FI has never met).

I'm OK with a larger guest list; it's still a small wedding. However, our caterer quoted us a price for 60 guests that was already pretty much at budget. We are splitting the wedding almost equally three ways, with me + FI paying one third, parents paying one third (catering and photog), and MIL/FIL paying one third (venue + florist + other costs). MIL has also quietly and graciously offered to pay for any cost overruns.

So my question: Is it OK to request that MIL/FIL pay for the difference in catering costs with the larger guest list, and if so, how do I broach that subject politely? Or should FI and I take that cost on ourselves?

(I should add that my MIL is wonderful and amazing and I begrudge her nothing; she is just a social butterfly.)

I'm dealing with this same issue! I'd be curious to see how this turns out!
In my opinion, just talk to your fiancé and see how he feels. If you and he *really* want a small wedding, then put your foot down. If you and he are okay with a bigger guest list, then I say definitely ask for the families to contribute. You could say, this is our budget. If you'd like to invite more people, you really need to contribute to the cost of the wedding.

KCLindgren · July 2013

16maybeless said:
An update to all: Future husband talked to his mother and I talked to mine, and we reached an agreement ... let's nix anyone we've never met. FMIL is amazing and said, "Oh, sure, no problem." Like it wasn't even a thang. She doesn't seem fazed.

My mother was a bit more difficult and still insists on inviting a second aunt and uncle of mine who I haven't seen since I was 12. But it's not a reason to argue anymore, and we're back down around 75. It's doable. I'll live. :-)

I'm so glad my MIL is as easygoing as she is.

Oh, I didn't see this. Good, I'm glad it's resolved!

Tmom1134 · July 2013

See if you can renegotiate menu with venue. I was 30 people over. We just paid the extra money but I saved a ton by renegotiating. If you're nice to deal with and the people like you, you may be pleasantly surprised. Maybe better for your future husband to mention it to his mom, she might offer to pay for her guests? My friends parents told the husbands family "everyone gets 100 invites and any extra guests cost extra to whoever invites the guests" and that worked out I think because they told them in advance though

MandyandDJB · July 2013

I have run into a similar issue and have no clue what to do!

I fell in love with a venue for our reception that can only comfortably seat up to 300 (Although other weddings in my family have been over 500). My family and I determined that each side (FI and I) each got to invite 160 people and then we would go from there (If we were under 300 after RSVPs we could go to a "B" list and invite a few more people). We simply divided the number in half and figured that my mother's list would include the people that I wanted there, and his mother's list could include the people that he wanted there. However my FMIL informed me last night that her list is over 180 and that was "cutting out as many people as she could." Not only is this over the number of people that we can fit in the venue, she refuses to take anyone off her list so that my fiance could invite people he wants there!

I'm completely frustrated because I have looked at so many places to find one that I loved, only to find out that it isn't going to work; my family does not feel that they should have to pay for his family to have twice as many as mine; and we had planned to get married May or June 2014 so dates available are few and far between. I feel that time is running out and noone is willing to compromise.

courtski2004 · July 2013

MandyandDJB said:

I have run into a similar issue and have no clue what to do!

I fell in love with a venue for our reception that can only comfortably seat up to 300 (Although other weddings in my family have been over 500). My family and I determined that each side (FI and I) each got to invite 160 people and then we would go from there (If we were under 300 after RSVPs we could go to a "B" list and invite a few more people). We simply divided the number in half and figured that my mother's list would include the people that I wanted there, and his mother's list could include the people that he wanted there. However my FMIL informed me last night that her list is over 180 and that was "cutting out as many people as she could." Not only is this over the number of people that we can fit in the venue, she refuses to take anyone off her list so that my fiance could invite people he wants there!

I'm completely frustrated because I have looked at so many places to find one that I loved, only to find out that it isn't going to work; my family does not feel that they should have to pay for his family to have twice as many as mine; and we had planned to get married May or June 2014 so dates available are few and far between. I feel that time is running out and noone is willing to compromise.

A couple things--don't invite more that you can comfortably host. If your family is paying, give your FIL's a number and stick to it. No 'B' list, that is rude and tacky--people will know if they've been 'b-listed', and it isn't a pleasant feeling.

If you can host 300 based on your venue, then make sure that the allowances add up to 300. In this case, the 160 for both is over--what if all of these guests showed up? These are only stressful situations if you let people get out of control with it. Make them comply with the guidelines you set in the beginning.

Guest list going up ... and up ...

Re: Guest list going up ... and up ...

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