Hymn to remember Grandparents

mariakhristine · July 2013

Hello,

My fiance and I would like to have a moment of remembrance for the people in our lives who have died, particularly our grandparents (and my grandma, who I was close to). I'm having a hard time choosing a hymn to play during that time, though, and I'm hoping you all might have an idea or two. I love so many of the songs, but often they touch so close to my heart that I end up crying, and I don't want to be a bawling mess up there! (The hymn that really broke me down was "Borning Cry." I love the song and would love something similar.)

Have you ever seen this done/have you done it yourself? Any ideas (it has to be church music) would be appreciated. Thank you!

itzMS · July 2013

mariakhristine said:

Hello,

My fiance and I would like to have a moment of remembrance for the people in our lives who have died, particularly our grandparents (and my grandma, who I was close to). I'm having a hard time choosing a hymn to play during that time, though, and I'm hoping you all might have an idea or two. I love so many of the songs, but often they touch so close to my heart that I end up crying, and I don't want to be a bawling mess up there! (The hymn that really broke me down was "Borning Cry." I love the song and would love something similar.)

Have you ever seen this done/have you done it yourself? Any ideas (it has to be church music) would be appreciated. Thank you!

I would skip this. Your wedding is supposed to be a happy event uniting you and your FI. A memorial song could not only make you upset, but cause upset to your guests. Not cool.

Can you carry something of your grandparents with you? i.e. a brooch or handkerchief? Perhaps pin lockets with their pictures to your bouquet?

manateehugger · July 2013

The fact that you mentioned crying is exactly why most people recommend against overt memorials at weddings. Have you thought about your other family members? Please clear this with them before you do anything.

A moment of remembrance with a hymn sounds more in place at a funeral than at a wedding.

The best way I've ever seen a loved lost one remembered is by the bride/groom carrying or wearing a possession of that person. Or by putting a note in your program. Or incorporating a favorite flower/color.

I understand how hard it is to have a grandparent miss your wedding (I was close to my grandmother too - I will be wearing her earrings). But your wedding should be a celebratory time. I know my grandmother wouldn't want me crying over losing her at our wedding.

Jen4948 · July 2013

Don't evoke grief at your wedding with overt memorials, especially ones that are supposed to be tear-jerkers.

Be subtle: Give your loved ones a tribute in a wedding program, wear or carry something that belonged to or is associated with the deceased, and/or eat, drink, decorate, or entertain with things they would have enjoyed. But keep your wedding a happy occasion.

mlg78 · July 2013

There are a LOT of ways to remember someone at a wedding...a mention in a program, carrying something of theirs, leaving an open seat, having a candle lit, etc... I think that singing a hymn would be by far the most depressing of all that I've seen or heard of doing. Don't do this. You sing these hymns at funerals. You already attended their funeral...this is NOT the time or place.

fre3doms · July 2013

My friend had her mother's favorite flower as part of the bouquets for her and the bridesmaids. I thought that was a really sweet way of honoring her.

Jen4948 · July 2013

mlg78 said:

There are a LOT of ways to remember someone at a wedding...a mention in a program, carrying something of theirs, leaving an open seat, having a candle lit, etc... I think that singing a hymn would be by far the most depressing of all that I've seen or heard of doing. Don't do this. You sing these hymns at funerals. You already attended their funeral...this is NOT the time or place.

The bolded would be even more depressing.

AddieCake · July 2013

I would be very uncomfortable with this during a wedding ceremony.

mariakhristine · July 2013

Sigh. Our family loves the idea, and it is something I want to do. The church organist also has done this for other weddings and he was the one who suggested "Borning Cry." I wanted to avoid writing a book explaining exactly how this will go down, but it will not be as uncomfortable as I think many of you are imagining. We plan to list the people we are remembering in the program and will play the song during the mass. No one will be required to sing it. It likely will be something similar to when the bride and groom stand before Mary (if you're familiar with that).

I have seen the candle lighting performed at many masses and wanted to do something similar. Also, I can't think of a better place to memorialize someone who was a huge part of your life. My fiance's cousin performed a military memorial for his brother who was killed in action at their reception. Yes, people cried, but it was a beautiful and memorable moment. I had never met the man but I was not uncomfortable. I was touched. And a 1-2 minute memorial period for the people listed in our program really should not put a damper on someone's attendance at a wedding. It is something that is very meaningful to me and I would be uncomfortable not mentioning my grandma because she was such a big part of my life.

itzMS · July 2013

mariakhristine said:

Sigh. Our family loves the idea, and it is something I want to do. The church organist also has done this for other weddings and he was the one who suggested "Borning Cry." I wanted to avoid writing a book explaining exactly how this will go down, but it will not be as uncomfortable as I think many of you are imagining. We plan to list the people we are remembering in the program and will play the song during the mass. No one will be required to sing it. It likely will be something similar to when the bride and groom stand before Mary (if you're familiar with that).

I have seen the candle lighting performed at many masses and wanted to do something similar. Also, I can't think of a better place to memorialize someone who was a huge part of your life. My fiance's cousin performed a military memorial for his brother who was killed in action at their reception. Yes, people cried, but it was a beautiful and memorable moment. I had never met the man but I was not uncomfortable. I was touched. And a 1-2 minute memorial period for the people listed in our program really should not put a damper on someone's attendance at a wedding. It is something that is very meaningful to me and I would be uncomfortable not mentioning my grandma because she was such a big part of my life.

I stand by my opinion. Your wedding unites you and your FI in marriage. It is not a memorial service. If you wish to have a memorial service for your family members, or light a candle for them, do so at different Mass. If you wish to have a song played, by all means have a song. But please don't have it announced it as a "memorial song" for all of your deceased family members.

In case you think I'm being insensitive, DH & I have lost all of our grandparents, several aunts and uncles, and my father. They all are important to us. We said a prayer for them together quietly, and kept our wedding ceremony as a celebration.

NYCMercedes · July 2013

I'm in the minority and see nothing wrong with selecting a favorite hymn, whether it be to honor someone deceased or living.

itzMS · July 2013

NYCMercedes said:

I'm in the minority and see nothing wrong with selecting a favorite hymn, whether it be to honor someone deceased or living.

That's not her plan, though, if I'm interpretting correctly. The OP wants to have a moment of silence during the ceremony while a hymn is sung/played by the organist and announced in the program as a memorial to the deceased.

I'm all for using hymns with meaning. We had "How great thou art" played (my grandma's favorite) as our recessional. But we didn't announce it as a memorial to her. DH & I knew it was a memorial in our hearts, but we didn't announce it and make our guests saddened with the reminder that grandma is no longer with us. That's the difference.

ElcaB · July 2013

I've never seen this done before, but if this is what you'd like to do, I say go for it!

To keep you from falling apart, you may want to try something a little more upbeat. I've always loved "Paradise Valley," if you're familiar with it. Or, if you're looking for something a little more solemn, "Nearer My God to Thee" is a beautiful hymn.

manateehugger · July 2013

I think it would be lovely to use a favorite hymn of her grandmother as the processional song, unity candle music, etc.

But a moment of rememberance where people purely are singing the hymn to honor her memory seems like a funeral hymn. And I still strongly stand by my statement that she should clear any memorials with the rest of her family (aunts, uncles, cousins included).

mariakhristine · July 2013

I have already said that both of our families (yes, including people like aunts, uncles, and cousins) love the idea. So yes, it has been cleared. I'm not the only person who thinks this is a nice idea. (Also, again, no one will be singing. It is just going to be the organist, playing an instrumental song. My fiance and I will most likely be the only ones who know the words.)

And thanks for the idea of Paradise Valley, ElcaB. I have heard that one and it is a good idea, I appreciate the suggestion so much.

The idea of the song playing as a processional is a good idea. Maybe we could even have it playing during communion or during another part of mass, like the honoring of Mary, I guess I'll talk to the musician.

wittykitty14 · July 2013

itzMS said:

NYCMercedes said:

I'm in the minority and see nothing wrong with selecting a favorite hymn, whether it be to honor someone deceased or living.

That's not her plan, though, if I'm interpretting correctly. The OP wants to have a moment of silence during the ceremony while a hymn is sung/played by the organist and announced in the program as a memorial to the deceased.

I'm all for using hymns with meaning. We had "How great thou art" played (my grandma's favorite) as our recessional. But we didn't announce it as a memorial to her. DH & I knew it was a memorial in our hearts, but we didn't announce it and make our guests saddened with the reminder that grandma is no longer with us. That's the difference.

That was one of my grandmother's favorite hymns too! We haven't fully decided, but it might be one of our prelude songs, and we won't make an announcement about it. FI and I, and some close family might know why we chose it. It doesn't need any special recognition or public announcement. As long as I know, that's what matters to me.

Edited for clarity

Jen4948 · July 2013

mariakhristine said:

Sigh. Our family loves the idea, and it is something I want to do. The church organist also has done this for other weddings and he was the one who suggested "Borning Cry." I wanted to avoid writing a book explaining exactly how this will go down, but it will not be as uncomfortable as I think many of you are imagining. We plan to list the people we are remembering in the program and will play the song during the mass. No one will be required to sing it. It likely will be something similar to when the bride and groom stand before Mary (if you're familiar with that).

I have seen the candle lighting performed at many masses and wanted to do something similar. Also, I can't think of a better place to memorialize someone who was a huge part of your life. My fiance's cousin performed a military memorial for his brother who was killed in action at their reception. Yes, people cried, but it was a beautiful and memorable moment. I had never met the man but I was not uncomfortable. I was touched. And a 1-2 minute memorial period for the people listed in our program really should not put a damper on someone's attendance at a wedding. It is something that is very meaningful to me and I would be uncomfortable not mentioning my grandma because she was such a big part of my life.

I can-at their funeral or memorial service. Which your wedding isn't. It should be an occasion of joy and celebration, and calling too much attention to loss and suffering really does take away from that.

This is not to say they should not be remembered at all. We've mentioned other nice ways to remember your loved ones. But calling too much attention to their absence or the reason for it turns your wedding into a sad occasion, which it shouldn't be. It is not "beautiful" or "memorable" to make people cry or otherwise feel intense grief by overfocusing on absence and death at a wedding. Even a moment of silence can do that. Instead, you might mention when using, say, a hymn that a deceased loved one really liked or felt moved by: "The following hymn was a favorite of mariakhristine's grandmother Jane Smith" when it comes up in the service.

AddieCake · July 2013

I agree using the hymn somewhere would be lovely, but to call attention to it as a memorial would disturb me very much as a guest. OP, just b/c your family is liking the idea does not mean that it won't make a lot of your guests extremely uncomfortable.

mariakhristine · July 2013

Just talked to the officiant. As I said already, he has done this for several other weddings, and we are going to include the song as part of the communion. It will follow "Taste and See." Given the number of people we are expecting to take communion, there will probably be people either still proceeding or waiting for the procession to be done while the song is playing. There will be no formal/oral announcement of the song, but it will be listed as in honor of our grandparents in the programs.

I am genuinely surprised by everyone's reactions, but I have seen these kinds of memorials at many weddings and I have always thought they were beautiful, wonderful touches. No one will be able to persuade me otherwise (but I'm guessing I will not be able to persuade any of you either). I love having a moment where I can say a prayer and honor an important woman in my life, and my fiance feels the same way.

I am focusing on my family being ok with this because a few posters seemed to think other family members would be bothered by this. I do not understand why any of our guests would be uncomfortable by hearing a song and reading a mention of an important family member in a program. When I attend weddings, I recognize that family is important, and that for some people (such as those people who did honor deceased people), honoring those family members is deeply meaningful.

My grandma did not die recently, either, so it is not as though we are opening wounds. I am frequently in the minority on this website, though. But my confusion is why some responders seem to think that we are calling tons of attention to this and trying to make this into a sad occasion. We're not. We are honoring important people on the most important day of our lives together.

I guess I'm just confused about what specifically would make a guest feel uncomfortable about this. We are not asking them to do anything. The way I see it, you are sitting in a church, where you would be sitting anyway. Music will be playing (it would have been playing anyway). The only difference is that in the program, it will say that the song is in honor of important family members. Is THAT really enough to make you uncomfortable? (If so, thank God you've never met my family!

) All the guest needs to do is sit there and listen, like everyone else (or in this case, sit and wait for the communion proceeding to be finished, which can be some nice people watching). I don't see the problem.

mariakhristine · July 2013

I don't know how many times I need to say that we have talked to everyone in our family about this. Really. And we are not putting up a photograph or anything like this.

We want to play a song and list them in the program. And I have been asking for song ideas.

I'm not trying to be sharp, really, but it is frustrating to defend myself against actions I never even mentioned taking, and to have to repeat what I've already said several times.

Jen4948 · July 2013

I think the problem is that a wedding is supposed to be a celebration of life and joy. Memorials are not. Even at their most benign, they are reminders of death and loss and that evokes sadness.

I would suggest you take "it's my grandma, of COURSE we're going to do this" out of the equation and consider this from another angle before making a final decision about this. It may seem "beautiful" and "special" to you, but for too many other people, especially those who were exceptionally close to the deceased and whose grief may still be raw after many years, it's just too painful and can open old and/or barely closed emotional wounds. For whichever of your parents whose mother this was, along with their siblings, it may just be too hurtful to have her memory brought back on a happy occasion. Give their feelings some consideration.

RetreadBride in the post above yours does a really good job of explaining why memorials may make people feel uncomfortable. Even guests who didn't know the deceased may not feel comfortable with the reminders of death and loss that evoking their memories would bring out.

If you're going to do this regardless of what advice you get here, then you don't need advice-just validation. And we're not in that business.

mariakhristine · July 2013

Well, yes, I wasn't asking for advice about whether to do it. I was asking for song ideas, which I think only one person gave me. I do appreciate what people have said, but our family members all say that they love the idea. Another cousin who is getting married shortly after us plans to do the same thing. My grandpa even offered to bring a framed photograph of her to the church. I am frustrated because I have talked to parents, aunts, uncles, and cousins about this, so I don't know why people keep telling me to consider their feelings. I have, for the last three months while we considered doing this, by talking to people about it and getting a sense for what they thought. I am close enough with my family that we are honest with each other.

And I don't understand the difference between what some posters have supported (which is playing a hymn during mass) and what I am suggesting (playing a hymn during mass). Seriously, I am confused. I'm just not allowed to label it?

itzMS · July 2013

mariakhristine said:

I don't know how many times I need to say that we have talked to everyone in our family about this. Really. And we are not putting up a photograph or anything like this.

We want to play a song and list them in the program. And I have been asking for song ideas.

I'm not trying to be sharp, really, but it is frustrating to defend myself against actions I never even mentioned taking, and to have to repeat what I've already said several times.

Your original post stated you were intending on having a "moment of remembrance". To me that means an announcement is made, and everyone is asked to be silent while a song or prayer commences.

It seems like you've changed your angle a bit, and are now saying the song will just be played without a big hoopla. Okay, that's fine.

My dad died almost 16 years ago. My grandparents between 10-15 years. I still get emotional when I think about them. I'm sure I'm not alone in this. No one wants to go to a wedding to be reminded of the deceased. I'm sorry, but it's true.

mariakhristine · July 2013

Apparently I need to write a book full of every single detail before I post. I was just trying to keep it brief.

A moment of remembrance is, to me, a time when the person will be remembered. The moment will be marked in the program. There was never any hoopla. I'm sorry people inserted the hoopla without my language.

Jen4948 · July 2013

Well, we can only go by what you actually post-we can't read your mind. If you don't say it, we aren't going to think it.

While this won't work for everyone, OP, is it possible for you to do a separate memorial service before your wedding to remember your loved ones instead of doing it at your wedding ceremony itself? That way you can remember your loved ones without making anyone who can't handle it uncomfortable.

mariakhristine · July 2013

Got it. I just wasn't expecting such reactions, otherwise I probably would have included more information. Although you do have to admit, if I don't say it, many people are still going to think it (like the fact that one poster thought I was going to put up a photograph, or the fact that I never said there would be a spoken announcement.)

Either way, after talking with the musician today, we will do an instrumental hymn after "Taste and See." That's normally a time of personal prayer anyway.

Jen4948 · July 2013

Sounds good.

mariakhristine · July 2013

And Jen, I just saw the private memorial service idea. I hadn't thought of that, but I will talk about it with my family. Thank you for that idea.

Jen4948 · July 2013

mariakhristine said:

And Jen, I just saw the private memorial service idea. I hadn't thought of that, but I will talk about it with my family. Thank you for that idea.

You're welcome.

Just to clarify my position, it really wasn't my intention to hurt your feelings, so I apologize for my role in having done so.

I have deceased loved ones I miss very much, including all four grandparents, an aunt, and a great-uncle and aunt, so I can understand where you're coming from. I would like to memorialize them myself in a way that respects other people's feelings as best as possible, because it is a very delicate subject.

MobKaz · July 2013

Before you had made the comment, I was also going to suggest that the song be played during a devotion to Mary. I really like "I am the Bread of Life", or "You Are Near".

Every Catholic Mass offers a specific moment of silence for remembering those who have gone before. During any given Mass, this can offer me moments of joy or sadness. I find the idea appropriate and natural given the way you describe your intentions, Mariakhristine.

Jen4948.....Catholic funerals, while sad, are a celebration of the life lived, and the life to come. The OP is not having a memorial; she is having a moment of remembrance.

@CMGr.......if you reread the thread, not "everybody has told you that this is a bad idea."

Jen4948 · July 2013

mobkaz said:

Before you had made the comment, I was also going to suggest that the song be played during a devotion to Mary. I really like "I am the Bread of Life", or "You Are Near".

Every Catholic Mass offers a specific moment of silence for remembering those who have gone before. During any given Mass, this can offer me moments of joy or sadness. I find the idea appropriate and natural given the way you describe your intentions, Mariakhristine.

Jen4948.....Catholic funerals, while sad, are a celebration of the life lived, and the life to come. The OP is not having a memorial; she is having a moment of remembrance.

@CMGr.......if you reread the thread, not "everybody has told you that this is a bad idea."

Rather than split hairs, the majority of people in this thread mentioned that it's not a good idea. During the Prayer of the Faithful would be a good time to do this.

But either way, regardless of what Catholic funerals are about, this is a wedding, not a funeral.

Hymn to remember Grandparents

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