Attending Reception Only

teacherjodee · July 2013

We will be attending a wedding next month. FI is a groomsmen. We are actually traveling from out of state to attend this wedding. I've never met the couple. The groom was on FI's college baseball team. The invitation was addressed to FI, myself and my daughter (she is 3.)

Since we are traveling from out of state, we will only have one rental car. Obviously, since FI is in the bridal party, he will have to be at the church early. This leaves my daughter and I in a pickle.

Would it be acceptable for my daughter and I to only attend the reception? It is next to door to the hotel where we will be staying.

ShesSoCold · July 2013

I think you should really be at the ceremony, if possible. Why can't you drop FI off at the church early, keep the car and then come back for the ceremony?

kmmssg · July 2013

I think that is fine, especially with a 3 year old!

teacherjodee · July 2013

kmmssg said:
I think that is fine, especially with a 3 year old!

That was a concern as well. She typically doesn't do too well in ceremonial type stuff. She's never been to a wedding.

erinlin25 · July 2013

If you can, I second the idea of dropping your FI off and then going to the ceremony. But if that is not possible then yes, just go to the reception.

KDM323 · July 2013

I think it is rude to ONLY attend a reception and not the wedding ceremony.,.unless there are extenuating circumstances where you cannot be there.

kmmssg · July 2013

Well, if your DD has never been to a wedding and doesn't typically do well with ceremonial stuff I would thank completely understand if I were the bride. You have a 3 year old and a long day. Stay at the hotel, make sure she gets a good nap and head to the reception.

MoonlightSilver · July 2013

Can FI hitch a ride with another groomsman?

teacherjodee · July 2013

FI will be the only driver on the rental car.

allispain · July 2013

Since you're getting there early so your FI can be there on time for his duties, can you grab a seat in the back by an exit? That way, if your daughter does start to fuss or get cranky, you can quietly take her outside. Chances are good that the bride and groom won't even notice - and any guests who do will simply give you brownie points for not letting your daughter cry, talk, etc. throughout the ceremony.

NOLAbridealmost · July 2013

I think this is kind of a weird reason to skip the ceremony, but I don't think it's rude to skip the ceremony in general. I personally love the ceremony most of the time (no gap, not a miserable temperature outdoor ceremony, etc.) and I wouldn't skip without a really good reason. I would have FI ride with another groomsmen, or add you to the rental car (what's up with that?) so you can drop him off. Easy peezey. But if you really think it's best to skip it, then go ahead. I guarantee the bride and groom won't notice.

VadersValkyrie · July 2013

NOLAbridealmost said:

I would have FI ride with another groomsmen, or add you to the rental car (what's up with that?) so you can drop him off.

OP might not be twenty-five yet; it costs WAY more to add an under-twenty-five driver to a rental car.

I'm with allispain on this; hang out in the back before the ceremony, let your daughter run around the church if she needs to, and then be ready to go outside if she gets fussy. She might surprise you though, especially if she's never been to a wedding.

NYCMercedes · July 2013

Carpool. Either you ride with another WP spouse/SO or he rides with another member of the WP.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Yeah, why can't you be added to the rental car?

harper0813 · July 2013

When my fiance has been in wedding parties in the past, I've gone early with him - but we only ever went an hour early. I just hung out. Brought a book.

If your fiance needs to be there quite early, I find it okay to attend the reception only, since you could get in trouble for driving the rental car without permission. Would it cost extra to add you as a driver? Or are you unable to drive?

But I'm of the belief that there are some exceptions to the rule that one must attend a ceremony in order to attend a reception - there's a certain amount of inconvenience (that could have been avoided) that makes it forgivable in my eyes. I'm a little more lenient than some.

teacherjodee · July 2013

It would cost an extra $120 a day for me to drive. On top of the $700 we spent on plane tickets and the $275 for our hotel room.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

You know your daughter better than anyone here. How does she handle new situations? New people? Is she shy? Outgoing?

I think you should do what is best for your family. If you decide to stay in the hotel with your toddler, sending FI to the ceremony then joining them at the reception, just say something like "Our three-year old would have a tough time at the ceremony and we would be mortified if she started acting out at the worst possible time. To play it safe, Mom and Kid are staying in the hotel and will join the party at the reception, leaving Dad free to be in the wedding without worrying about the Kid."

teacherjodee · July 2013

She's very outgoing and inquisitive. That's the issue. She shouts questions loudly. She did this at a funeral recently. I suppose that's what's making me gun shy about the wedding. She tends to also get fidgety and she's a runner.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

teacherjodee said:

It would cost an extra $120 a day for me to drive. On top of the $700 we spent on plane tickets and the $275 for our hotel room.

Wow that's insane! I had no idea it cost so much to add an extra driver.

I personally would be uncomfortable only attending a reception. But it's not like you can arrange for child care. I'm sure no one would hold a grudge.

teacherjodee · July 2013

Oops I'm sorry $120 total not a day!

OliveOilsMom · July 2013

Can your FI inquire with the groom if there is a children's room at the church? (I think you said the ceremony is in a church, right?). Then you can attend the ceremony but stay in the children's room and your daughter can run around and ask her loud questions!

Simply Fated · July 2013

I think it's understandable in your situation to skip the ceremony if you can't hitch a ride with someone else. Honestly, it's a long day for a three year old. Do the best you can about attending both and if you can't, you can't.

MairePoppy · July 2013

kmmssg said:

Well, if your DD has never been to a wedding and doesn't typically do well with ceremonial stuff I would thank completely understand if I were the bride. You have a 3 year old and a long day. Stay at the hotel, make sure she gets a good nap and head to the reception.

^^I agree with kmmssg 110%^^ If your 3 year old is going to make it through the reception, she probably will need some familiar food and a nap before you head off to the wedding. You know your child. Do whatever you think will work best. There won't be much point in attending the ceremony if you end up in the children's room or sitting in the car because your daughter is getting restless. Besides, the bride and groom won't realize you're missing during the ceremony.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

LMc0322 said:
Wow that's insane! I had no idea it cost so much to add an extra driver.

Rental car companies are getting as bad as airline in charging for every little extra. Once upon a time, adding a spouse or work colleague as a second driver was free. Not any more.

coolwhipz1 · July 2013

StageManager14 said:

I think it's generally rude to skip the ceremony and I assume if they are inviting 3 year olds to the wedding, then they aren't the kind to be upset if she talks some during the ceremony (my favorite part of Our wedding video is our niece "singing along" with the soloist then asking her mommy to "play it again!"). But you know your daughter best, and if you think she won't do well, then skip it. Though personally, I don't know why you're spending the money to fly to two of you down there if you aren't going to attend the reason for going.

This. I would find it odd that your FI is a groomsman and your paying all that money and your not even going to attend the ceremony?? You could have stayed home, saved that money and accomplished the same thing.

I would definitely try to find a way to figure something out and make the ceremony. If your daughter starts to fuss just take her out.

Sounds like a cop out to me

AJuliaNJ · July 2013

Could you put the car on your name only? Then you can drive him and come back.

kiddodarling · July 2013

If you belong to costco you can add a second driver for free when you use their rental companies? We do it all the time.

musicalcanadianbride · July 2013

I think you should attend the ceremony. Even if you have to arrive early, is there no park or space where you could entertain your daughter for a bit? Just bring a change of clothes for her and change before the ceremony.

BarbLovesDave · July 2013

I still say the Mom know here toddler daughter the best.

If attending the wedding ceremony would be too big a challenge for the kid, then do everyone a favor and stay in the hotel.

Some three-year old kids would be fine. Some would not. Only Mom and Dad can make that decision. If the kid is like a few three-year olds I know, that decision might be made the very morning of the wedding, depending on the kid's mood that particular day and how much sleep she got the previous night in an unfamiliar hotel.

monkeysip · July 2013

In principle, I think it's rude to skip the ceremony. In practice, I didn't hold a grudge against the family that did that for our wedding. They were concerned about their young children making noise/acting up. In reality, I couldn't care less about fussy/noisy children (doesn't bother me--I'm used to them in church), and their kids were really well behaved at the reception. Then again, I'm not their parents, so maybe they knew that the children really wouldn't have done well at the ceremony... I don't know.

Point is... try your hardest to get to (and through) the ceremony. But the world won't come crashing down if you don't (or can't).

kmmssg · July 2013

I'm sticking with my buddy Maire in all of this. Want to teach a 3 year old how to behave at a wedding (which is a fine idea)? Taking her to the location incredibly early, trying to entertain her endlessly in a strange environment until the wedding finally begins and then expecting her to be very quiet is setting her up for failure.

When you teach little ones how to attend these kinds of functions you make sure they are well rested, well fed, and you do everything to encourage their best behavior. Taking this little one so early and wasting all that time with her until the wedding starts is a recipe for disaster.

Yes, attending the wedding is important but in this case I would encourage OP not to attend and just take her daughter to the reception. You just don't have the right conditions here to encourage a great outcome for your daughter.

On top of all of that, try taking a 3 year old who missed her nap to a several hours long reception. Wanna see a cranky kid at a reception? That will do it.

I find the comments about "it's just a cop out" and "you are looking for an excuse not to go" to be a bit ridiculous.

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