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Wedding Etiquette Forum
aurianna
member
Vent: random etiquette talk with coworkers
So my cubemate is getting married next year. I like to gab about weddings and the article had just come out about the people who gave the food basket and the brides went ape$h*+ on them. So I wondered if "covering your plate" was a thing where he was from (New York).
So I told him that I didn't any gift should be expected and asked his thoughts. He pretty much said where he comes from almost everyone always give cash, and tries to pay more than what they think it cost to feed them. He said that weddings were about helping the couple start out on their future together and most people there expected to get back what the wedding cost and then some.
And this guy isn't crazy or rude in other ways. What I know about the wedding thus far, they're following a lot of the normal etiquette rules.
He also thinks it's still expected that the bride's family pay for the wedding and the groom's family pay for the rehearsal dinner and he said he hopes he doesn't have any daughters because of that.
I'm just... what? Is this really a thing? Do that many people really think that way?
I know we hate generalizing by region here on the board, but I have a lot of family from where the wedding will be held and where the bride's family is from. I warned him the mentality might be different there and they really might not make all their money back, but it isn't because the guests don't wish them well in their lives together.
And then I dropped it and slinked away....
And then I went to lunch with a work friend of mine who is also getting married next spring. He told me his fiancee still hasn't found full time employment and they were thinking about getting married next month so she can go on his insurance.
I asked if they'd still have the wedding and he said yes because they'd already put the money down. We're buds so I decided to be candid even though I probably shouldn't have (oh well. my bad). I said "Oh dude. Don't have a fake wedding." And he said no one would know. And then I was like, "DUDE. Don't lie to your friends and family." (and yes, I usually do say "dude" when I talk to him).
I told him personally, I go to a wedding to see two people I love joined in marriage, and if I know they're already married, I really don't care nearly as much, and if I found out I was lied to, I'd be pissed. I suggested getting married now and just throwing the reception portion of the wedding next year. But then he said that his fiancee would be really sad if she didn't get her ceremony. I bit my tongue and refrained from saying, "you mean a pretty princess day" and just said I doubted the ceremony would really mean as much if they were already married.
This is when the guy in front of us in line pitched in and voiced his agreement with my friend... and said something nonsensical about when you go to a theater the actors aren't really enjoying the show they're putting on; they're just doing it for everyone else. So a fake ceremony was the same way. Or something. It made no sense.
I used the graduation reenactment anecdote and asked if you'd really want to go to THAT and he said, "depends how good the party was."
Eventually we decided to agree to disagree and he told me if he does end up getting married early that he won't tell me. I laughed and said, "good, because I'll judge you." And we dropped the subject and talked about my delicious salad.
But these are really good, really smart guys. And I'm just... what?
So I told him that I didn't any gift should be expected and asked his thoughts. He pretty much said where he comes from almost everyone always give cash, and tries to pay more than what they think it cost to feed them. He said that weddings were about helping the couple start out on their future together and most people there expected to get back what the wedding cost and then some.
And this guy isn't crazy or rude in other ways. What I know about the wedding thus far, they're following a lot of the normal etiquette rules.
He also thinks it's still expected that the bride's family pay for the wedding and the groom's family pay for the rehearsal dinner and he said he hopes he doesn't have any daughters because of that.
I'm just... what? Is this really a thing? Do that many people really think that way?
I know we hate generalizing by region here on the board, but I have a lot of family from where the wedding will be held and where the bride's family is from. I warned him the mentality might be different there and they really might not make all their money back, but it isn't because the guests don't wish them well in their lives together.
And then I dropped it and slinked away....
And then I went to lunch with a work friend of mine who is also getting married next spring. He told me his fiancee still hasn't found full time employment and they were thinking about getting married next month so she can go on his insurance.
I asked if they'd still have the wedding and he said yes because they'd already put the money down. We're buds so I decided to be candid even though I probably shouldn't have (oh well. my bad). I said "Oh dude. Don't have a fake wedding." And he said no one would know. And then I was like, "DUDE. Don't lie to your friends and family." (and yes, I usually do say "dude" when I talk to him).
I told him personally, I go to a wedding to see two people I love joined in marriage, and if I know they're already married, I really don't care nearly as much, and if I found out I was lied to, I'd be pissed. I suggested getting married now and just throwing the reception portion of the wedding next year. But then he said that his fiancee would be really sad if she didn't get her ceremony. I bit my tongue and refrained from saying, "you mean a pretty princess day" and just said I doubted the ceremony would really mean as much if they were already married.
This is when the guy in front of us in line pitched in and voiced his agreement with my friend... and said something nonsensical about when you go to a theater the actors aren't really enjoying the show they're putting on; they're just doing it for everyone else. So a fake ceremony was the same way. Or something. It made no sense.
I used the graduation reenactment anecdote and asked if you'd really want to go to THAT and he said, "depends how good the party was."
Eventually we decided to agree to disagree and he told me if he does end up getting married early that he won't tell me. I laughed and said, "good, because I'll judge you." And we dropped the subject and talked about my delicious salad.
But these are really good, really smart guys. And I'm just... what?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Vent: random etiquette talk with coworkers
You did your part. But I would totally not go to that friend's "wedding"!
SERIOUSLY. I don't know why people forget the point of the day. We went to a wedding last summer and one of FI's friends texted him to ask if we were going to "the church." You mean THE WEDDING? The day isn't about the reception!
A new husband has his hands full figuring out how to support a new wife and possibly future children. Thus, the bride's father paid for the wedding. The groom's father was prepared to help support the new couple should the groom's own funds fall short.
Those were the Bad Old Pre-Feminist Days.
Today?
Wedding planning is complex, and it's no good to have too many planners. Two planners with one line of communication is best. (Bride and her mother. Bride and groom.) When you get too many planners, there are too many lines of communication and too many chances for foul-ups.
Thus, today, in my opinion, I think it best for the bride and her family (usually mom could be dad) to plan and pay for the wedding and the groom and his family (mom or dad) to plan and pay for the rehearsal dinner and honeymoon. The rehearsal dinner gives the groom's parents an opportunity to host their own event, inviting who they choose, etc.
That's ideal, and as we know little in life is ideal.
The co-workers in the story are naïve.
I don't get the whole actors not enjoying the show they're putting on... If they hate it so much, then why are they doing it? Same goes for an already married couple.
I do try to be generous, though.
I'm in St. Louis, and I hear the cover your plate rule frequently. FI's aunt even asked how much it was going to be per head so she could estimate the monetary value of stuff we would get.
Since when did weddings become fundraisers?
Officially hitched as of 10/25/13
I don't think I've ever been to a wedding where the groom's father gives a toast. Or wait, do you mean at the RD? I haven't been to many of those, I suppose if the groom's parents are hosting, then it makes sense. But if not, meh.
yeah, i'm from NY and subconsciously always try to "cover my plate" with the gift - not out of obligation, but if I know the couple is spending about $200 a head, I'm not going to send them a $40 gift. But, I'm also older and can afford nicer gifts now than in my 20s.
I definitely don't expect that back, though. Even though our reception is about $200 a head, I'm just glad that people are traveling to be with us, and I really don't care if they give us gifts at all. Out of 150 guest, 130 have to travel 7-15 hours or more to get there, so honestly, their presence is the present!
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Giving a gift isn't rude. Demanding a large gift from your guests is.
I've never heard of the cover your plate rule, but certainly there is no problem if a guest wants to use it as their own internal guideline. The problem is when the bride starts informing people that they did not cover their plate and then demanding that they do so!
My great aunt who was on a very fixed income gave me a $15 check for my graduation. It touched my heart because I knew it was such a sacrifice for her to send me anything at all, I really had not been expecting it. So I would never look down upon a gift just because somebody did not cover their plate!
I do not agree with this. I think the couple should properly host the wedding they can afford. If parents offer to contribute because they want the couple to have a fancier wedding, fine. I think it's a ridiculous notion that parents should silo their contributions in a particular way based on their child's gender (the bride's parents pay for the dress, the reception, and the invitations, etc.; and the groom's parents for the RD, HM, transportation, etc.).
What about a lesbian couple? Do their parents split the reception because they're both women? No RD? No HM? What about a gay male couple? No reception? Just an RD and HM?
It just doesn't make sense. The couple should pay and they have the option to accept or decline any financial assistance that is offered.
Dinner & alcohol at ours was about $130pp. Throw everything else in, probably $200 per person when it was all said and done? I know very, very few couples that could ever afford to give us $400 and I would never, ever want them too. Seriously. We gave them dinner, not a new gold watch. We "got back" maybe a fourth of it all and were very grateful to have all of those gifts on top of getting to share our wedding with our guests.
Guests honor us with their presence at the ceremony.
We thank them with a reception.
I don't expect them to pay me back for thanking them.
And I totally think it's bordering on insane that anyone would expect their guests to pay for a party they had no hand in planning.
It's also not the guests' business how much we spent on the thank you gift for them so I don't even like the idea of their trying to calculate it out.
And frankly... the way the "cover your plate" philosophy is if you go to a wedding of people who had the good sense to host what they could afford and it was say $15pp, do you as a guest who might give $200 at a ritzier wedding just give them $20 and feel like a good person? It's supposed to be a heartfelt gift for their life together and you're going to skimp on it because they gave you cake & punch and not steak?
And for a couple that expects the plate back... what... do you not invite your poorer friends to your wedding?? Or do you expect them to go into debt or decline the invite? That's just sickening. And I'd certainly hope none of my guests thought I might feel that way.
A guest giving what they can afford and what they want to is the only thing that makes sense. Feeling social pressure to give more than you can afford makes zero sense to me.
Whatever works for a couple and their respective families works. I really don't care who writes the checks.
If both families want to contribute, then what I outlined above is a good place to start. Bride and family plan the wedding. Groom and family plan the RD and honeymoon. That might work for some, might not for others.
Your Mileage May Vary.
In my own case, my parents gladly paid 100% of the cost of the wedding. It was a glorious day and lots of fun. My in-laws gave us money for a honeymoon, which on their limited income was incredibly generous. My wedding was actually drama-free. It worked for us, and I wouldn't change one thing.
My parents paid 100% of the cost of my wedding, and I am forever grateful they did. We were grad students at the time and had no money. My mom did the lion's share of the planning, and I still think of her with gratitude. She was a champ. Best. Mom. Ever.