ettiquette no-no or not ?

[Deleted User] · July 2013

I am attending a destination wedding in a few weeks. Wedding is on a Sat, transportation provided to and from reception/ceremony venue, open bar etc. B & G are also hosting a get together dinner Fri nite and have now mentioned it is too far to walk to from hotel and it is a cash bar. Since this is not the wedding reception, is this ok? I thought it was a nice gesture on their part to host this as well, so I don't care that it's a cash bar. Just wondering is all .... thanks.

keochan · July 2013

Exactly what Lia said. Cash bars are never okay.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Wow thanks for the quick response. At least we have a heads up. There are a lot of people coming in Thursday as it is at a resort in Cancun and there was a Thurs Fri Sat Sun package. I guess B & G felt they had to take care of guests in Fri as well?

BangBangs39 · July 2013

Since it is not the reception I don't see a problem so long as they are paying for your dinner. They don't need to pay for transportation.

ETA: If they are just saying hey come on by we'll be here then they definitely do not have to pay for drinks or dinner.

ashleyep · July 2013

If it's informal and optional I don't see a problem with it, especially if it's more of "we'll be here Friday night if anyone wants to come."

I've had cousins who have opened up the room they had their rehearsal dinner in afterwards for anyone to come and that was a cash bar. It was really informal, basically meeting up a bar, so I don't see the problem.

[Deleted User] · July 2013

Maybe I'm misunderstanding, but if it's a "Hey since everyone will be here, we're thinking of getting together at X if you'd like to join!" it's more informal and you don't have to host an open bar. But if this is a planned and hosted event with invites, the cash bar is inappropriate. Maybe I've misunderstood what people have posted on here in the past, though.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

BangBangs39 said:

Since it is not the reception I don't see a problem so long as they are paying for your dinner. They don't need to pay for transportation.

You wouldn't have a cash bar at a BBQ would you? Or charge a guest for a glass of wine at your house? Cash bars are rude no matter what event you're hosting. If you can't afford it, you just don't offer it.

BangBangs39 · July 2013

southernbelle0915 said:
You wouldn't have a cash bar at a BBQ would you? Or charge a guest for a glass of wine at your house? Cash bars are rude no matter what event you're hosting. If you can't afford it, you just don't offer it.

Those are events at my home - not at an open restaurant. I personally don't find cash bars rude in general, but I could see if I was renting a venue out where it would seem expected but if you invite friends to dinner with you and there is a bar in the restaurant, feel free to get yourself a drink if you want, why is it expected that I buy you a drink? If your in a restaurant and there is a bar, are you supposed to say "hey I can only buy you dinner so don't go near the bar"?

Also - FYI - BBQ's are always BYOB in my neck of the woods... always

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

It's expected because you are hosting an event. It's different if it's a couple of pals and you say, "hey, do you guys want to grab a bite to eat?"

BYOB is not the same as a cash bar. If you have a BYOB BBQ, great. Sounds fun. If you have a BBQ where offer someone a beer and charge them for it... not ok.

It doesn't matter where you're hosting. If you're hosting in a park, in your backyard, in a restaurant, you don't offer something and then charge someone for it. "hey want a popsicle? that'll be $1.50."

BangBangs39 said:

southernbelle0915 said:
You wouldn't have a cash bar at a BBQ would you? Or charge a guest for a glass of wine at your house? Cash bars are rude no matter what event you're hosting. If you can't afford it, you just don't offer it.

Those are events at my home - not at an open restaurant. I personally don't find cash bars rude in general, but I could see if I was renting a venue out where it would seem expected but if you invite friends to dinner with you and there is a bar in the restaurant, feel free to get yourself a drink if you want, why is it expected that I buy you a drink? If your in a restaurant and there is a bar, are you supposed to say "hey I can only buy you dinner so don't go near the bar"?
Also - FYI - BBQ's are always BYOB in my neck of the woods... always

BangBangs39 · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:
Sure, but don't invite people to a restaurant that isn't affordable for you.

OK, but do you buy beer, and then charge the guests who didn't bring their own?

If they didn't bring something to drink to a BYOB event then they are SOL.

If someone invites me to dinner - I get water, and if I want something with an extra kick to it, I go to the bar and purchase the drink myself... invite to hosted restaurant dinner does not equal free booze. All an invite to a hosted dinner means is you get dinner... maybe dessert.

BangBangs39 · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:
ETA: So you wouldn't charge them for a drink in your home then.

It is nice of you to be a cheap date, and I definitely believe the rule "A guest orders from the middle of the menu", meaning, not the most expensive item served. BUT, if someone invites me to dinner, and then informs me I owe $10 for my drinks, I'd be really insulted. Don't invite people to dinner if you don't want to pay for their entire dinner. If you don't want to buy drinks, choose a restaurant that doesn't serve them.

So McDonalds? D'Angelo's? There are only fast food restaurants where I am that don't serve alcohol of some sort (some are just beer & wine). I mean I guess you could do that, I wouldn't go personally only because I try and steer clear of FF chains at all costs. It might just be where I'm from and how I was raised but I never assume I'm getting alcohol for free - no matter what the occasion from hosted wedding reception to hosted dinner party at a restaurant. Even at an in home party that didn't specify BYOB, I bring my own drinks. I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree on this one!

crunchymamaof2 · July 2013

BangBangs39 said:

Liatris2010 said:
Sure, but don't invite people to a restaurant that isn't affordable for you.

OK, but do you buy beer, and then charge the guests who didn't bring their own?

If they didn't bring something to drink to a BYOB event then they are SOL.
If someone invites me to dinner - I get water, and if I want something with an extra kick to it, I go to the bar and purchase the drink myself... invite to hosted restaurant dinner does not equal free booze. All an invite to a hosted dinner means is you get dinner... maybe dessert.

So do you not drink anything with your dinner or other meals? Why would dessert be included but not something to drink?

If someone says "I'd love to invite you out to dinner with us Saturday night" then that means they pay for the meal, including drinks, whether they're alcoholic or not. If they invite people to a party at a restaurant then some type of beverage must be provided with dinner, though it doesn't have to be alcoholic. Now, if that person had said "let's meet up for lunch next week" or "wanna grab a bite after work?" then each person pays their own way. Hosting = footing the entire bill; meeting up to eat (or similar) = just paying for yourself.

MuppetOverlord · July 2013

If it's something that is informal and more of a "hey we're hanging out here if anyone wants to join us and we'll have some food available" kind of shindig.... I think it's appropriate.

If it's a dinner by invitation where there is a real meal etc... I think it's rude....but I personally would be appreciative that they went above and beyond the wedding to accommodate me food-wise.

BangBangs39 · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:

But why is alcohol different than an appetizer or dessert? None are necessary.
The only reason for limiting the guests' selection would be money, and since the host picks the place, why not pick someplace you can afford to host your guests completely?

I don't have a good answer for you because I don't consider alcohol to be something that is mandatory when hosting. Alcohol is an extra treat... if the host says feel free to get some drinks too or invite says "open bar", then OK - if they don't say anything I don't order it or pay for it myself, IMO to order an alcoholic beverage and expect for it to be paid for is rude, it isn't about the expense of the restaurant for me, its the assumption that your entitled to alcohol because you were invited to dinner.

@acove2006 - I drink water with my meals. If I'm paying I drink beer or water or both. Maybe coffee.

Dessert is different because dessert is part of the meal. Dinner then dessert, IDK my family and FI's family eat dinner, take a short interval then eat dessert. Its just the normal. I don't think appetizers need to be included or alcohol. Even dessert doesn't have to be but I feel it would be more acceptable to expect dessert than to expect alcohol.

Peledreamsofrain · July 2013

I live in eternal hope that some day someone will try to charge me for drinks at a dinner party. How I will laugh on that day. It would last me for hours, my laughter would.

Then I'd leave their lamo event and warn our shared friends.

Jen4948 · July 2013

It doesn't matter how informal the event is or where it's taking place-cash bars are not okay at hosted events. If you invite someone, you pay their costs.

NYCBruin · July 2013

BangBangs39 said:

Liatris2010 said:

But why is alcohol different than an appetizer or dessert? None are necessary.
The only reason for limiting the guests' selection would be money, and since the host picks the place, why not pick someplace you can afford to host your guests completely?

I don't have a good answer for you because I don't consider alcohol to be something that is mandatory when hosting. Alcohol is an extra treat... if the host says feel free to get some drinks too or invite says "open bar", then OK - if they don't say anything I don't order it or pay for it myself, IMO to order an alcoholic beverage and expect for it to be paid for is rude, it isn't about the expense of the restaurant for me, its the assumption that your entitled to alcohol because you were invited to dinner.
@acove2006 - I drink water with my meals. If I'm paying I drink beer or water or both. Maybe coffee.
Dessert is different because dessert is part of the meal. Dinner then dessert, IDK my family and FI's family eat dinner, take a short interval then eat dessert. Its just the normal. I don't think appetizers need to be included or alcohol. Even dessert doesn't have to be but I feel it would be more acceptable to expect dessert than to expect alcohol.

No one is saying that alcohol is mandatory or expected. Just don't offer it if you are hosting and can't/don't want to pay for it.

Asking someone to foot the bill for anything that you are hosting is rude and weird.

Would you think it was odd if someone invited you to dinner and paid for your dinner (and dessert if you feel that is part of the meal), but then presented you with a check for your appetizer?

BangBangs39 · July 2013

NYCBruin said:
No one is saying that alcohol is mandatory or expected. Just don't offer it if you are hosting and can't/don't want to pay for it.

Asking someone to foot the bill for anything that you are hosting is rude and weird.

Would you think it was odd if someone invited you to dinner and paid for your dinner (and dessert if you feel that is part of the meal), but then presented you with a check for your appetizer?

No I personally wouldn't think anything of it. At the same time, I wouldn't order an appetizer either though.

Over 90% of the restaurants in my area aren't going to offer to make you a special menu. When you invite someone to a restaurant for dinner your treat you get the regular menu, and you order something your comfortable ordering on someone else's dime. If for you that means you can get w/e you want the sky's the limit, then that is your opinion, I personally would never do such a thing.

I worked in restaurants or 12 years, we had people reserve tables, and occasionally we had people ask about a "special menu" and we told them that it was not feasible for us to print a menu just for them. We also can't shut the bar down while that group is in house, that's asinine. The only place I have ever been that had special menus were function halls.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

MeganBangBangs... you keep saying what YOU do "I order water" "I wouldn't order an appetizer" "I may or may not order dessert" etc etc etc... but simply because you respond a certain way under certain circumstances doesn't mean it's proper etiquette for people to HOST a certain way.

The point here is that proper etiquette means you don't charge people for stuff you offer to them. You offer dinner? You host it. You offer alcohol? You host it. Period. You do not give someone something and present them with a bill. For anything. Ever.

BangBangs39 · July 2013

@southernbelle0915 - 1st and foremost - I think I've stated it elsewhere and also thought it was obvious the reasoning, but I changed my SN under advisement of not having my real name out and about, so please stop using it - especially since you are spelling it wrong.

Second - Just because you are in a restaurant that serves alcohol, doesn't mean you get to assume you get alcohol. If you assume your get alcohol and apps because your somewhere that serves them (whether your there or not) you deserve to get the bill for the extras you rang up. No one is being "given" anything in a restaurant unless they order it - someone had to order it - so yes if someone orders drinks for the table, and you didn't get a say you absolutely don't have to pay, but if you take it upon yourself to order it, you shouldn't be expecting someone else to pay for it.

ashleyep · July 2013

I'm not really sure how feasible it is to not offer alcohol in any capacity at a place like this. It's a restaurant, so while it's absolutely correct etiquette-wise to not offer it, you can't exactly stop your guests from going to the restaurant bar and getting a drink.

BangBangs39 · July 2013

Liatris2010 said:
Actually, that is exactly what you assume, because it is rude to offer them to your guests and then not pay for them. You should only offer what you can afford. Period, end of discussion. Restaurants are not an exception to the rule. If you don't want to buy things the restaurant offers, don't invite people to the restaurant.

I'm sorry but that to me is just asinine - you honestly expect the restaurant to re-work their whole menu to cater to reservations for groups? You can't see how idiotic that logic is?

Very large groups, yes you could use a function room at an event hall and be able to only offer specific things- however for a small gathering, most function halls have a minimum number of guests, so you go to a restaurant, where you don't get to ask for them to change/create a menu for your just because you think you are the queen bee. It doesn't work that way. If any person ever walked in to one of the restaurants I worked at and made such requests, both I and the owners would have laughed hysterically at them.

NYCBruin · July 2013

BangBangs39 said:

Liatris2010 said:
Actually, that is exactly what you assume, because it is rude to offer them to your guests and then not pay for them. You should only offer what you can afford. Period, end of discussion. Restaurants are not an exception to the rule. If you don't want to buy things the restaurant offers, don't invite people to the restaurant.

I'm sorry but that to me is just asinine - you honestly expect the restaurant to re-work their whole menu to cater to reservations for groups? You can't see how idiotic that logic is?
Very large groups, yes you could use a function room at an event hall and be able to only offer specific things- however for a small gathering, most function halls have a minimum number of guests, so you go to a restaurant, where you don't get to ask for them to change/create a menu for your just because you think you are the queen bee. It doesn't work that way. If any person ever walked in to one of the restaurants I worked at and made such requests, both I and the owners would have laughed hysterically at them.

You don't have to ask the restaurant to rework the entire menu. Just select a restaurant that is within your price range.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

BangBangs39 said: Liatris2010 said: Actually, that is exactly what you assume, because it is rude to offer them to your guests and then not pay for them. You should only offer what you can afford. Period, end of discussion. Restaurants are not an exception to the rule. If you don't want to buy things the restaurant offers, don't invite people to the restaurant.

I'm sorry but that to me is just asinine - you honestly expect the restaurant to re-work their whole menu to cater to reservations for groups? You can't see how idiotic that logic is? Very large groups, yes you could use a function room at an event hall and be able to only offer specific things- however for a small gathering, most function halls have a minimum number of guests, so you go to a restaurant, where you don't get to ask for them to change/create a menu for your just because you think you are the queen bee. It doesn't work that way. If any person ever walked in to one of the restaurants I worked at and made such requests, both I and the owners would have laughed hysterically at them.

Lia can speak for herself, but you missed the point by a mile. You don't invite people to THAT restaurant. You invite them to a restaurant where you are comfortable hosting whatever a guest order off the menu.

Can you imagine if someone took a date to Ruth's Chris and told her she was on her own for booze and any appetizers she ordered? No. If he did, it would be considered rude.

ETA quotes not separating

BangBangs39 · July 2013

@ NYCBruin - and what if in your price range at even an inexpensive restaurant only includes soft drink and main meal? But the restaurant serves alcohol, apps, and dessert items? Are you entitled to those items because the restaurant has them there?

@southernbelle0915 - I refer you to the above (your comment came in after I made this one) also I have never head of Ruth's Chris - what type of restaurant is this?

NYCBruin · July 2013

BangBangs39 said:

@ NYCBruin - and what if in your price range at even an inexpensive restaurant only includes soft drink and main meal? But the restaurant serves alcohol, apps, and dessert items? Are you entitled to those items because the restaurant has them there?

Then you pick a restaurant where those items are in your price range. Trust me, I'd love to be able to invite people to Peter Luger's, but unbelievably far out of my price range. So I don't invite people to dinner there.

southernbelle0915 · July 2013

BangBangs39 said:

@ NYCBruin - and what if in your price range at even an inexpensive restaurant only includes soft drink and main meal? But the restaurant serves alcohol, apps, and dessert items? Are you entitled to those items because the restaurant has them there?

YOU CHOOSE A DIFFERENT RESTAURANT. You don't tell a guest "you can order this, but not that. And please refrain from ordering steak because that's on the more expensive side. Also, please don't think it's ok to upgrade your salad or add an additional side... it's really not in my budget."

NO. You pick a restaurant where your guest can eat and drink what they like. Period.

daveANDkristen · July 2013

BangBangs39 said:

@ NYCBruin - and what if in your price range at even an inexpensive restaurant only includes soft drink and main meal? But the restaurant serves alcohol, apps, and dessert items? Are you entitled to those items because the restaurant has them there?

@southernbelle0915 - I refer you to the above (your comment came in after I made this one) also I have never head of Ruth's Chris - what type of restaurant is this?

Ruth's Chris is a high-end steakhouse chain. And I agree with @southernbelle0915, one should not invite someone to dinner there (or anywhere) if they are not prepared to pay for all items the guest orders.

ashleyep · July 2013

southernbelle0915 said:

BangBangs39 said:

@ NYCBruin - and what if in your price range at even an inexpensive restaurant only includes soft drink and main meal? But the restaurant serves alcohol, apps, and dessert items? Are you entitled to those items because the restaurant has them there?

YOU CHOOSE A DIFFERENT RESTAURANT. You don't tell a guest "you can order this, but not that. And please refrain from ordering steak because that's on the more expensive side. Also, please don't think it's ok to upgrade your salad or add an additional side... it's really not in my budget."

NO. You pick a restaurant where your guest can eat and drink what they like. Period.

So then you have to offer alcohol to your guests is what you're saying? It's almost impossible to find a restaurant without a liquor license, so offering a "dry" party is basically not possible, even though it's correct etiquette-wise.

NYCBruin · July 2013

ashleyep said:

southernbelle0915 said:

BangBangs39 said:

@ NYCBruin - and what if in your price range at even an inexpensive restaurant only includes soft drink and main meal? But the restaurant serves alcohol, apps, and dessert items? Are you entitled to those items because the restaurant has them there?

YOU CHOOSE A DIFFERENT RESTAURANT. You don't tell a guest "you can order this, but not that. And please refrain from ordering steak because that's on the more expensive side. Also, please don't think it's ok to upgrade your salad or add an additional side... it's really not in my budget."

NO. You pick a restaurant where your guest can eat and drink what they like. Period.

So then you have to offer alcohol to your guests is what you're saying? It's almost impossible to find a restaurant without a liquor license, so offering a "dry" party is basically not possible, even though it's correct etiquette-wise.

You can certainly host a dry party if you rent out part of the restaurant and don't make alcohol available.

Or host the party at your home and not make alcohol available.

Or host the party anywhere else that does not have alcohol.

ashleyep · July 2013

NYCBruin said:

ashleyep said:

southernbelle0915 said:

BangBangs39 said:

@ NYCBruin - and what if in your price range at even an inexpensive restaurant only includes soft drink and main meal? But the restaurant serves alcohol, apps, and dessert items? Are you entitled to those items because the restaurant has them there?

YOU CHOOSE A DIFFERENT RESTAURANT. You don't tell a guest "you can order this, but not that. And please refrain from ordering steak because that's on the more expensive side. Also, please don't think it's ok to upgrade your salad or add an additional side... it's really not in my budget."

NO. You pick a restaurant where your guest can eat and drink what they like. Period.

So then you have to offer alcohol to your guests is what you're saying? It's almost impossible to find a restaurant without a liquor license, so offering a "dry" party is basically not possible, even though it's correct etiquette-wise.

You can certainly host a dry party if you rent out part of the restaurant and don't make alcohol available.

Or host the party at your home and not make alcohol available.

Or host the party anywhere else that does not have alcohol.

True, but you still can't stop your guests from popping over to the restaurant bar and getting a drink. So you still essentially have a cash bar, even if you're not condoning it.

Though I do agree that saying "order what you want from the menu, but not alcohol" is incredibly awkward. I guess I assumed it would be a buffet type thing that many restaurants offer.

ettiquette no-no or not ?

Re: ettiquette no-no or not ?

Choose Another Board

Search Boards